Yarr mateys, so you want to hear the story of how Captain Ayy-Hab came to be? Well here, I wrote a little rap about it! Hit the music!


YARR, NOW CUT THAT MUSIC OFF!

The scene opens to deep blue seas of the Mojave Desert. The man, the myth, the legend, Captain Ayy-Hab lays flat on his back, bleeding from the bullet hole in his stomach. He weakly brings one hand to the wound, trying in vain to cover the wound. In the distance, his place of birth, The Night's Pearl races away from the scene of the crime, rowing against both the dirt current and the light wind.

He forces himself to sit, staring at the horizon that The Night's Pearl disappeared beyond, squinting against the sun, and waits for death.

That is, until a man riding a horse comes into view.


Captain Ayy-Hab rubs his eyes as the horse comes to a stop and the man atop it climbs down to the ground. The horse rider reaches out and grabs one of the good Captain's hands, helping him up to his feet.

Are you alright?

The captain presses his hand hard against the wound and winces, before coughing up a mouthful of phlegm and spitting it at the dirt.

Yarr, I'll live. I think. How did ye even find me, matey?

Funny you should ask that. My employers sent me. They heard something about a ship rowing through the middle of the Mojave Desert and figured the type of crazy to do something like that is the type of crazy they need working for them. You don't happen to know how to wrestle, do you?

The captain cocks one eyebrow and glares at the horseman.

No.

You'll fit in perfectly then.

The man climbs back on the horse and motions for the captain to join him.

Yarr matey, I am not riding bitch seat.

You'll ride whatever goddamn seat I tell you to if you don't want to die out here.

The captain weighs his options. On one hand, riding bitch seat sucks octocock. On the other, being dead sucks octocock while getting railed by Davey Jones himself. Needless to say, the captain begrudgingly joins the man on the horse and rides off back towards civilization.

What's your name anyway?

Yarr, call me Ishmael.

Nice Moby Dick reference.

YARR! DON'T SPOIL IT FER ME!

...

…

It's literally the first line in the

YARR I DON'T KNOW HOW TO READ!


The scene opens back up on Captain Ayy-Hab behind the wheel of a stolen 2015 Cadillac Escalade, swerving in and out of traffic, stomping the pedal, and jamming out to the tunes blasting out of the speakers.

YARR MATEY WATCH ME WHIP! WATCH ME NENE!

He's got two eyepatches on as well as the puffiest of shirts for maximum sex appeal. The sound of sirens blaring is loud enough so that he can hear it over the hottest rap song of 2015. He looks in the rearview mirror to see three police cars swarming him from behind.

IT'S THE BRITISH!

Obviously, the captain knows what the fuck's up, with these fascist British dogs hot on his tail. So he does what any self respecting pirate would do, he hits that emergency evasion strategy. Which in this stolen Escalade means stomping the pedal even further into the floor and juking in between the lanes at such blinding speeds it'd make even the jukiest of NFL running backs explode in hype. The sheer level of swagger the car exudes is too much for one of the drivers, who swerves uncontrollably and crashes head on with a minivan, exploding like a Ford Pinto upon impact. Sorry kids.

The other two cars hardly even notice their friend's fiery death at the hands of a wild minivan (FACT: Minivans kill more people a year than Ebola. Friends don't let friends drive minivans), and press on, swerving just as expertly in an effort to not let our hero go free.

YARR! THESE LANDLUBBERS ARE GOOD! BUT ARE THEY THIS GOOD?

I hope you are.

That's when everybody sees that guy who was on the horse a while ago in the passenger's seat, grabbing tightly onto the seat and pleading that this stunt doesn't kill them under his breath.

The captain guns it like it's never been gunned before, aiming for the big glass window of a H&R Block. YEAH, FUCK TAXES!

The car explodes through the wall, sending shards of glass and brick scattering across the empty interior. Then it slows to a stop.

YARR!

The police cars surround the giant hole in the side of the building and quickly exit the car, guns drawn. They point them at the Escalade, demanding for the good captain and horse guy to get out. Both do, enthusiastically in horse guy's case, reluctantly in the captain's.

You're under arrest!

YARR ALRIGHTY OFFICER. BUT WHAT IF I TOLD YOU, I WASN'T UNDER ARREST?

The officer who shouted the request opens his mouth to speak but gets cut off by the good captain.

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU, I CHALLENGE YOU TO A RAP BATTLE?

All the officers on the scene burst into laughter.

Fine, tell you what. We'll have this rap battle. Hell you can even go first. Then you're going to jail you fucking idiot.

ARR MATEY, YE SHOULDN'T HAVE LET ME GO FIRST! I'M ABOUT TO END YOUR WHOLE LIFE RIGHT NOW!

AHEM.

CALL ME

The captain looks to horse guy.

Ishmael?

YOU A BITCH-MAEL!

YARR YARR YARR

MATEYMATEYMATEY YARR!

The officer who accepted the challenge spontaneously bursts into flames. After a few seconds of flailing around, he drops to the floor, dead because of all that FIRE spit in his direction. The remaining officers are too busy being hype as fuck to even notice there's still a guy left to be arrested and pile into the police cars and drive off.

YARR MATEY, I GOT ME A GET OUTTA JAIL FREE CARD!

The captain laughs before horse guy points out something important.

The building is on fire.

A flaming piece of debris falls from the ceiling and pins ol' horse guy to the ground.

YARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

What the fuck did I get myself into?

FADE TO AFFIRMATION!