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Christopher: Seriously, Tommy? You made me sit through what felt like an hour of uncomfortable incest foot porn for a lousy 'fuck you'? I mean, I know you're comfortable hanging with the Job Squad, but I didn't think you were lazy along with that.

Dustin: Did that foot porn really last an hour?

Christopher: No, that was exaggeration. But I think it took an hour for me to stop vomiting in my mother's puke bucket and get those sights out of my head. I mean, good for you for having a fetish, but for one, not everyone in this federation is sick enough to find that shit arousing besides you. Maybe your sister might find it that way too, but if that's the case, you're one step closer to fucking each other and making a deformed Wish baby. Is that how you were conceived? Is that why your mother looked like she wanted whatever the fuck you were trying to do to go on?

Honestly, it'd be like me adding jumpcuts to this promo of me having a shit-splosion at a Korean restaurant we were at in Nevada. It'd be fucking gross to listen to and not all hat fun to watch.

[We cut to the bathroom of said Korean restaurant in Nevada, where we hear a nasty and wet fart and Christopher groaning in pain. And just as the fart ceases, we cut back to the present day Christopher.]

Dustin: He said that he was stoned when he did that.

Christopher: Trust me, brah, that's not what stoned people are like. I know a guy named Joseph that used to get stoned with us all the time. The drugs we smoked were natural depressants, and they knocked us flat on our ass until we were damn near unconscious. I can tell ya one thing when I was like that, dude. I had no reason to walk up towards any of my buds and suck their big toe until they climaxed, if that was even possible. All I could remember while on that couch is asking if people could pass me the Cheetos. Oh, you're going to tell me that she was the one that was stoned and you decided to take a gigantic whiff of her breath before you passed out?

Brah, taking advantage of your own sister? That's fucking messed up, dude. I know no woman would want to be in a ten mile range when you're in public, but come on, your sister? That's lower than Pest levels, dude. You feel proud of yourself now that you heard it from the mouth of someone else? Trust me, that's nothing to be proud of.

Dustin: Did you see the look on the mother's face when she caught them in the act?

Christopher: Nah, brah, I was too busy shedding a few pounds like the supermodels do after seeing him suck that toe like a lollipop. What did it look like?

[Dustin hesitates for a moment before telling him.]

Dustin: Honestly, brah? It looked like she wanted to join in and make it a threesome.

[Dustin had a good reason to hesitate, as Chris could be seen slack-jawed and having pupils as big as a golf ball. The look Chris is giving the camera can only be described as traumatized. After a good ten or so seconds of that face, we cut back to the Korean restaurant incident. This time, Chris can be heard yelling against the door. It sounds like he's getting manhandled in the stall while trying to empty his bowels. And when the yelling stops, we cut back to present day Chris with a little bit of vomit around his mouth. Instead of the look of sheer mortification we saw on him earlier, he looks ill and pale.]

Christopher: So I guess I was right about the brothers fucking sisters thing. That answers that.

Dustin: How about his ability to shit talk you, brah?

Christopher: Does it also contain foot porn that makes me upchuck every time I watch it happen?

Dustin: If it did, I would've told you already.

Christopher: Okay dude, I guess we'll find out. Play that shit.

[Dustin pulls out his phone and proceeds to play footage from Tommy's promo. He skips to the bit where he starts trash talking, saving Chris from another trip to the bucket.]

Some Fucking Sicko Said:Now, Japan world tour and I am kicking it off against a guy who has a friend named Dustin and another guy who apparently is a major rip off of Michael Shawn Hickenbottom.

Christopher: Speak in a language we can understand, brah. I have no idea how you managed to listen to yourself saying that and decided it was good enough to post. I mean, I slur my speech from time to time, too, but it never really gets that bad.

Dustin: Mishap aside, what about his thoughts on your notable feature?

Christopher: Oh, you? It makes me think he's so lazy and so uncaring about getting his ass kicked that he can't look at look at some of my other shit to call me something like 'wannabe wrestler' or 'backyard trash' or something similar. Come on, dude. Try or get your ass kicked, that's all there is to it.

Some Lazy Fuck Said:Chris, what can I say about you,

Christopher: Well you can't say shit if you haven't watched my shit. Well you can, but you'd come off as clueless as Marek.

Dustin: That didn't stop him, dude. Listen to what he says next.

Some Clueless Idiot Said:I know you would be trying to come up with a terrible punch line that only Dustin would understand?

Christopher: Not everything has to be a joke, dude. That foot porn you had no problems putting up there? Not a joke. My tone of voice? Not a joke. How I'm going to beat your ass blue and black in front of everyone in Osaka? You guessed it, not a fucking joke.

Some Guy Bad at Comparing People Said:You’re not much better in terms of being an annoying person who makes Hero look like Hogan hoggin the spotlight with his fake prayers like people like Dimpster would fall for.

Christopher:I don't con people out of their money and blame my loses on some lookalike that's going to be fighting for him for a whole month. Nah, when I lose, I admit it. I'm not like the man bitching to management to give me matches that have absolutely no way of getting on the card. Come on, when you compare me to someone else, get it right, dude.

Someone That Cant Listen Said:Plus, what can you do besides having conversations with Dustin?

Christopher: Like I said before, dude, I recorded the clips you saw on my promos years earlier. If you wanted to see me in a match, watch the results that you don't want to bother with instead. They aren't very long either, so it shouldn't kill too much time watching me shut my opponents up after they told me that I wouldn't last here. Death to them and death to you, motherfucker. See how that works?

Anyways, that's just about all you said on me that's worth mentioning. Ryan can defend himself 'cause he's a big boy that knows how to speak, unlike you. You want to make that impediment of yours worse? Don't worry, once your skull hits the canvas, you'll be wishing you tried harder than you did. While waiting, I'll keep my eyes on this website and wonder why the hell Ryan isn't speaking up. Come on, brah, don't keep the Warfare crowd waiting.

[Dustin lowers the camera as the scene cuts to black.]