Bush did 9/11!

The scene opens up to Carson Waters, clad only in boxers and a pair of socks, sprinting down the aisles of a Target, screaming conspiracy theories at the top of his lungs while knocking items off their shelves. Alright, let’s back up a little bit.

What the fuck, Carson?

Yeah, this seems like a much better spot. The scene opens to Carson’s apartment, which looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in a month at the earliest. Crushed pizza boxes and pop cans litter the floor and the whole place reeks of burning kush. In the background, Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg’s classic “The Next Episode” plays. The lights are off, except for the glare off Carson’s laptop, currently open to 911truth.org. Kylie, glaring at the screen, rolls her eyes and laughs. In response, Carson reaches backwards and backhands her without looking back. Which in actuality amounts to brushing her cheek with his middle and index finger.

This is serious business, Kylie. Dick Cheney made money off the Iraq War.

Lots of people made money off the Iraq War. What are you smoking?

I think it’s called Kushpiracy or something like that. Got it from Paco down the block.

The Ecuadorian with the harelip?

Yeah him.

Shit… got any more?

Carson doesn’t say anything coherent. Instead he grunts and points to the bong sitting on the coffee table. Kylie grabs the instrument and takes a hit as Carson goes back to aimlessly scrolling through the website.

Shit man, did you know that Aspartame causes cancer? Fuck, all I got in the fridge is Diet Coke. We gotta go to Target.

Smoking causes cancer too.

Yeah, cigarettes. Weed’s fine though. Name one person who’s died from smoking weed.

Didn’t Joey?

Nah man he smoked some shit laced with Pikachu, thought he could fly, jumped out a window. Then died when he got ran over by the ambulance some dude on the street called for his stupid ass.

Jesus Christ!

Kylie covers her mouth and laughs into her hand. Suddenly, she stops.

That isn’t funny, that isn’t funny, that isn’t…

She cracks up laughing again.

Okay yeah, that actually is really fucking funny.

Anyway, back to shit that matters, we need to get some non-diet Coke and probably some more bud. I think the whole squad might head over tomorrow to celebrate 4/20 and we oughtta have an all you can smoke buffet. Shit, we need to get one of those buffet things with all the troughs to put that shit in, too.

Where the fuck are we going to get weed in bulk? Not like that shit’s at Sam’s Club.

Yeah it is.

Sam’s Club doesn’t sell weed, Carson.

I know that. But Sergei sells shit out behind it and he sells that shit only in bulk. Go big or go home, he says. Dude carries duffel bags fulla the dankest of kush. He’s also a part of the mob I think but I don’t know for sure.

Sergei? The Albanian with the toupee?

Yep.

I thought his spot was the corner of…

Yeah some old dude thought he was a child molester and threatened to call the cops. He hasn’t been down there since.

God damn old people.

Yeah, first organizing 9/11 and now putting the homie Sergei outta work for a couple days, what won’t they do next?

Exactly! So, we going to Target or nah?

Yeah, I ain’t in any shape to drive though and I don’t trust your wild ass sober so we should probably call [THE MYSTERIOUS AND HANDSOME STRANGER].

Yes, he is so mysterious that his real name just got censored. That just happened.

Carson whips out his phone and dials a number as the scene fades to black.


’Ey yo wassup XWFam? Yeah right now I’m riding in a car on my way to a Target, ‘bout to get that cancer free Coca-Cola. Y’all don’t need to see me riding in a car, right? Nah, you don’t need to see that. So let’s get to the reason why I’m even recording this car ride at all instead of just going about my business normally. Scully and Maverick versus Flynn Andrew Cole-Ericson and myself on Wednesday for the Tag Team Titles. Team versus Brick Squad or in a broader sense I guess it’s the Black Handjob versus Brick Squad again because we’re a real squad who don’t need a bunch of monikers for every combination of us. Which is how you can tell Brick Squad is the more cohesive of the two stables showcased here, but I digress.

See, as of right now, the dumber half of Team is the only one of the pair to say anything at all regarding our match, which should come as no surprise. He doesn’t have a mental filter because he’s a . I would be kinda hesitant to use that word because you know, slurs ain’t kawaii bro but he calls himself a so I can only guess he’s cool with it. But it also ain’t a surprise that he’s the only one to talk because Maverick’s scared shitless of us. He’s probably already reverted to his old title shitting ways as a last ditch effort to keep Flynn and I from coming for the only thing that gives him any kind of actual relevance above being the joke he’s been for, what? Most of his XWF career? Yeah, sounds about right.

So of course he hasn’t said shit. Dude tried to back out of this already once he realized how fucked he was so we all know how terrified he is of Brick Squad and who can blame him? We’re undefeated as a group and it’s only going uphill from here. It’s clear that we’re the next big thing in the XWF and there ain’t nothing the Black Handjob can do to put a damper on things. Not this week when we walk into The Forum in Inglewood and take the titles from Maverick and Scully to the resounding applause of our loyal hometown crowd, nor on the 11th when we walk into Madness and leave them laid out to walk out with a second consecutive victory over the Team of Misfit Toys.

Then we’re gonna spread the wealth with the whole Brick Squad. See, Brick Squad ain’t just the five guys you see representing it. Brick Squad is the XWFam, the dudes and dudettes you see in the crowd wearing the Brick Squad shirts, waving the flags, smoking the dankest kush. That’s why they love us, because we give that love back. Gotta explain that to y’all since Scully’s too slow to understand emotion and Maverick’s a robot so fixated on “holes” in trash talk that he can’t see the bigger picture.

The one where he loses like a bitch over and over again.

Man, not even his own stablemate wants him to win! You know that Maverick, or have you been hiding from everyone and not just us since you tried to get the fuck outta dodge with your belts? Pest has been vocal about how you’re not acting like a champion or some shit. Pretty shitty when not even your own guy wants to support your ass. Now now, don’t get all pissy and moany, just come to The Forum on Wednesday and take your loss like a man. Then wherever Madness is on the 11th, and take your loss again. Swallow both pills real quick and easy. And just remember, you’ve been a stepping stone on Brick Squad’s meteoric rise to the top. We’ll always remember it.

You will go down in history. Sure, it’ll be as “One of the guys who lost the tag titles to Brick Squad” but it’s more than you would be otherwise. See, we’re helping you even more than you’re helping us.

You’re welcome.


You alright?

The scene opens up to Target again, pre-insanity. Kylie’s standing, one hand on the handle of the shopping cart in front of her, looking at a sweating Carson.

How are you going to ask me if I’m okay when jet fuel can’t melt steel beams?

Suddenly Carson rips his bro tank off and kicks off his shoes. He tosses the former into the cart before ripping off his shorts. Kylie cringes and backs away slowly before Carson takes off sprinting down the aisle.

Bush did 9/11!

Aaaaaaaaaaand there he goes. Repeating that phrase over and again, running down aisles and smacking shit off shelves, cackling like a madman.

Fuck it.

Kylie looks down and contemplates following suit completely but ultimately decides against it. She does however, sprint down the aisle after her client, hooping and hollering along with the wild memetic conspiracy quotes. She doesn’t make it very far before seeing a security guard tackle Carson to the ground.

This is oppression!

Carson wiggles and spasms, slipping through the bigger man’s grip and hopping up to his feet. He takes off down the aisles, not missing a beat. Kylie shakes her head and laughs, before following suit.

Jet fuel can’t melt...

She doesn’t finish the sentence before the same security guard tackles her. As she falls to the ground she hears something over the intercom.

Hey fam peep my mixtape on the Soundcloud. Shit’s called “Bush Did 9/11” and it’s more bomb than the ones that blew up the Twin Towers!

This was all a publicity stunt for your mixtape? GOD DAMMIT CARSON!

Fade to black.