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Hero Xtreme 7.9 · **04-07-2015, 04:38 PM**

NOCMM: Bruce sure looked like a

in his last promo. Is that how heroes look? Like

? The original hero, Hero Xtreme 7.9, doesn't look like a

, but I guess things change. Some people think a 'Hero' is a stupid

in a mask who catches murderers. There's nothing new about that. Ben Affleck was a stupid

in a mask, Toby McGuire was a stupid

in a mask, Michael Keaton was a stupid

in a mask, Guppy Parsh was a stupid

in a mask, and now Bruce Blingsteen has chosen to join their ranks.

NOCMM empties a box of masks into a bonfire.

NOCMM: It's a natural movement. Rookies like Bruce Blingsteen always think they're being so original. They always think they're doing something 'new' when they put on a mask and decide to be a

. How about we stop pretending we're so original? Let's stop lying to the old skool fans. They can see right through it.

NOCMM hears a David Bowie cover band in the distance. He can't help but smirk. He walks off in that direction and hopes to see someone else dressed like a

.

NOCMM: Bruce, I watched your promo ten times over searching for this 'new brand' of hero. Hipster

hero has already been done though, so I guess you're just a liar. A green rookie shit liar with a gay mask and a gay cape. I've already seen Kick Ass, Bruce and so have the old skool fans.

NOCMM arrives at the stage where the David Bowie cover band is playing. They're pretty shitty and the guy singing with a one-sleeved shirt looks like a mask-less

. Apparently those exist too. Everyone else there looks bored and they're playing Candy Crush on their phones, they'll go to Hell for being so misogynistic.

NOCMM: The Stomper. I bet that's from a shitty superhero comedy too. Maybe I should tell you what a new brand of hero is Bruce. A new brand of hero would be a hero that hasn't existed before. It's in the name. Maybe you could be a hero that isn't a

and doesn't wear a mask? There aren't that many of those, so it won't be that obvious when you lie.

The David Bowie cover band, Fallen From Earth, starts doing their shitty cover of a shitty David Bowie song. Several people in the audience ran out of lives in Candy Crush so they move onto a different misogynistic video game.

NOCMM: God knows when you're lying. God isn't afraid to dismantle an old brand of hero. God works in mysterious ways. Your hero cliches cannot change the will of God. Maybe if you truly were a new brand you'd be spared. The old skool fans and I have come the conclusion that you're a liar, and tomorrow your pants will be on fire.

NOCMM leaves the

convention and takes a deep breath when he gets outside. Being the only man good enough to go to heaven in the room sure is exhausting. NOCMM sees a hot cisgendered chick, asks for her consent, and starts banging her as the scene fades to an Xtreme shade of black.

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode If you want to be a hero
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