The scene opens to the opening of a sewer pipe just outside of Tijuana. The trio of John Madison, John Samuels, and Theo Pryce had just crawled through miles and miles of feces before a current came through and carried them the rest of the way to the end of the pipe. We watch from afar as they get washed out of the pipeline and fall into a pond that's about waist-high.

Theo: "SHIT!"

Samuels wades to the shore while John Madison runs up behind Theo and in a playful manner, dunks him back into the water. John laughs while forcing Theo into the murky water.

Samuels: "Haha!"

Madison: "That all you got, Theo?!"

Theo flails his arm around before he's able to grab John by the neck and push him off.

Theo: "Get the fuck off of me!"

Samuels: "Come on, Theo. He's just having some fun with ya."

Theo: "Fun? Oh, I'm sorry. We're having fun here, is that right?"

Samuels: "Yeah man."

Madison continues to swim casually in the contaminated pond like he's in a pool at the Hilton. Meanwhile, Theo joins Samuels on the shoreline to observe the mad man.

Theo: "Madison shot five people like it didn't fucking matter. He then he flips our vehicle and in the process, kill the head of cartel's wife."

Samuels: "Well yeah..."

Theo: "No, I'm not done. He then proceeded to get us into a gun fight with the cartel. During that altercation, he pointed a rocket launcher at me because I shot his fucking burrito with a crossbow."

Samuels: "They were Frittatas."

Theo: "I don't care! And then he made us crawl through fifty miles of sewage. Then he tried to drown me in this oversize toilet! And after all of that, you still think that John Madison is 'just having fun?'"

Samuels: "Relax, Theo. Alright?"

Theo: "No! FUCKING LOOK AT HIM! How he's doing backstrokes in a shitty pond like it's no big deal!"

Samuels: "Yeah... he is, isn't he?"

Theo: "John, get out of there you fucking idiot!"

Theo's on his feet trying to lure in Madison before he catches some disease, but Samuels pulls him back in.

Samuels: "Theo, Theo... Chill, buddy. Let Madison do whatever the fuck it is that Madison does. I mean, are you really surprised by what you see taking place in front of you right now?"

Theo takes another look at John swimming.

Theo: "Well.... no, I guess not."

Samuels: "Exactly. Sit down and relax. Trust me, Theo. This is the state of mind that we want John to be in."

Theo and Samuels look up at Madison who's now spitting shit water out of his mouth like a fountain. He chokes on some by mistake.

Theo: "You have a point..."

Samuels: "Look, I ain't saying that we let the crazy bastard call the shots out there. But there's always a method to his madness. I was gonna say something back at the motel about the Gauntlet City Pay-Per-View before John started to run his mouth about how he "ran through" all of those opponents. You've seen the match, right?"

Theo: "Yeah."

Samuels: "There's no way in hell he should have won that thing. Hell, if you watch all his matches closely, John shouldn't have won any of them."

Theo: "Yet he still does..."

Samuels: "Exactly. The guy is a mess, no doubt about it. But when it comes down to it, John knows how to get his hand raised in the end."

Theo: "Alright, what you've said is true, but we should probably get him out of the water."

Samuels: "Yeah, he's been in there a while. HEY JOHN! I think I saw a bar up the road! Let's go, buddy."

"Excuse me, gentlemen."

Samuels and Theo turn around and come face to face with a border patrol agents approaching from a distance.

Theo: "Just beautiful. Look officers despite the fact that we all look a little brownish and smell like something that came out of Peter Gilmour's asshole..."

Madison: "Oh my God! Oh my God"

Theo and Samuels turn around to see John coming out of the shit filled lake.

Theo: "What's the problem John?"

Madison: "What if this actually is Peter's shit?"

Theo: "Then it would be the icing on this literal shit filled cake that has been today."

Samuels: "Awww you did watch my promo. Thanks pal."

Theo: "Look officers, my name is Theo Pryce. I'm an American. In fact I'm on the Government payroll. This is John Samuels, well respected Senator from Texas."

Samuels tries to straighten up his shit covered collared shirt.

Madison: "Theo, Theo! what if this is Peter's shit?"

Theo: "And that guy, well he's actually a Mexican so you can have him."

Samuels: "Theo."

Theo looks over at Samuels.

Theo: "What?"

Samuels: "Come on we need him for the match, even if he is old and weird."

Theo: "Fuck. Fine."

Theo: "Ok that guy is John Madison and despite his odd fondness for human feces he too is an American."

Agent: "Nothing we haven't seen before, senor. You fellas have any Identification?"

Theo and Samuels each start patting themselves down looking for a wallet or something else that might hide their ID's but come up with nothing.

Madison: "Here."

Madison reaches backwards towards his ass and after a few weird noises and an odd face or two John produces three US Passports and hands them to the head of the Border Patrol.

Theo: "John, how did you get our passports and why did you have them hidden up your ass?"

Madison: "For a situation just like this. One time at the airport, I hid a brick of coke for Luc-"

Samuels claps a hand over Madison's mouth as Theo takes over the conversation.

Samuels: "Good thinking John. See I told you Theo, a method to his madness."

The Border Patrol guard looks over the ID's and after he is satisfied that the three men standing before him are all in fact US citizens hands the ID's back to the men. Madison takes the passports away from Samuels and Theo and shoves them right back inside of him with zero effort. Theo just shakes his head.

Agent: "Right... Well you two gentlemen, and whatever the fuck he is, are free to go."

Theo: "Would it be possible to get a lift back to your station so we can shower up?"

Agent: "Looking and smelling like that? Absolutely not. You guys can walk the 5 miles to our station. I'll leave a hose out back."

Theo: "Really?"

Agent: "Yes really. Better get going. It's going to be dark soon."

The border patrol officer gets back in his car and drives away leaving Theo, Samuels and Madison to hoof it for 5 miles looking like literal shit.

---

I'm glad that Vinnie has decided to sit down and speak with me. For a minute I thought that I wouldn't even appear on his radar due to the description of me given in his promo. You know, the descriptions where I'm basically summed up as not being relevant for the nine hundred and fifteen time.

"Doesn't make it less true" is what I imagine Vinnie would say like the countless other shitsheads have. So I suppose that I shouldn't leave on that note because I would hate for Vinnie to have to cut the same promo that everyone else has. Regardless of that; yes, me acknowledging my irrelevance does not make it less true. Now, before I get into why none of this matters, let's first clear up a number of points made in Vinnie's masterpiece.

Yes, I am past my prime and likely not fit for competition. After all, I break a sweat just from walking out to the ring.

And I suppose I am pretty gay for sucking on cocks and all that good stuff.

And I also imagine that if Vinnie Lane got me in the ring that he could bloody me up and have his way with me.

Yes, Vinnie. I'll go ahead and sign off on all of those things as being true. I've got your promo right here in front of me in the format of a letter and I'm signing my name next to each of these lines that I've highlighted.

I'm signing off on "Madison, is a fat, out of shape pencil pusher with a fuck ugly harelip."

I'm signing off on all the parts you brought up where I'm a who practices his trumpet on the teacher.

Vinnie, guess what? I'll even sign off on the part where you said I've done "jack shit."

So there. I shoved my finger up my asshole and signed each statement with my own shit. I'm in agreement with you on multiple issues brought up in your promo.

So now that we've cleared all of that up...

Do you want to know why I'm so content on agreeing with you on those items, Vinnie?

Psss, come in close and put your ear up to the speaker. Don't worry, I won't kiss you with my shit and semen covered lips-- yet.


Wait, WHAT? Hold the fuck up.

Vinnie Lane just spent like fifteen minutes crafting a ball bashing/soul crushing promo where he points out every flaw and weakness that he could think of to John Madison. There's no way that his efforts were made in vain. That was a textbook promo he delivered. It had historical references, funny pictures, and cute jabs. Did Vinnie Lane really waste his time in focusing in on all of John Madison's weakness?

I'm sorry Vinny but it's the truth. It's as true as all of those claims about me that you worded up to sound so harsh.

Like I said, Vinny. If you and I were put in a singles match against each other, I would get my ass handed to me. It wouldn't even be a contest.

Wouldn't I though?

Just out of curiosity, what kind of violent things would you do to me, Vinnie? I'm just wondering seeing as how there isn't a chance of that happening on Wednesday night. I'd love to hear all about this fantasy of yours. I'm going over your list of moves and it's pretty impressive. Would you use the pump handle driver? Leg drop off the second rope? Or that vicious Black Label Driver of yours?

Those are moves that I can only dream of performing in the condition that I'm in, Vinnie. Well, I could probably do a leg drop off of the second rope. I mean, is that really a move that people do now? Why only the second rope? If you're gonna take time to climb the ropes, why wouldn't you do it 100%? Do people also do 450s and other flippy holds from the second rope? Seriously, leg drop from the second rope sounds like a move that my lazy, old ass would try to use. Fuck, I'm sure Vinnie will explain the logic behind that seeing as how he's the real wrestler here.

Look, I don't even have entrance music like a real wrestler should have. What the fuck tune am I supposed to walk out to on Wednesday? I can't play my own song seeing as how I spent more time practicing on my music instructor instead of my instrument.

Anyway, you know why I don't have these athletic wrestling moves or a cool theme song to strut out to? Just take a wild guess as to why all of these elements seem to be missing.

Because I'm not a wrestler anymore, Vinnie.

I'm an agent. And from time to time, I pull agent duties from the comfort of the ring apron.

Theo Pryce didn't pick me to protect him, nor did he pick me to get involved in the match as a wrestler. Come on, John Madison wrestling? No one wants to see that.

Theo picked me because I bring more value to that match as an agent than anyone in the locker room does as a wrestler. Let me be perfectly clear: I do not want to wrestle you, Vinnie. All of this energy that you're directing at me is totally unnecessary and I'm afraid it's going to cost you.

It's a tag team match, Vinnie. Theo doesn't have to tag me in, and he won't because he knows that the wrestling ring is not my place.

Did you honestly believe that Theo Pryce chose me because I'm the best wrestler? Oh no, not at all. I'm just a hell of a support, Vinnie. Far more valuable as a tag partner or manager than you or any of these other XWF wrestlers.

Vinnie, I'm gonna be a thorn in your side on Wednesday night because I have something that you don't: immunity. See, you can bash my skull in all you want. It won't matter as long as I don't tag in.. In fact, you coming after me in any way will only hinder your performance. You'll do it, I know you will because you already want to.

You know why I have immunity, don't you Lane? Because I suck management's dick. I can have whoever I want run out to the ring and interfere on my behalf and the referee won't lift a finger because I'm sucking his dick too. You see Vinnie, this mouth of mine holds more power than you think. I can use whatever weapon that I please; cattle prods, pepper spray, handcuffs, steel dildo...

However, if you or your teammates break the rules. Who knows? Maybe I run to the back real quick to swallow some more cock, and then Shane magically appears to have the title change rules overturned.

Vinnie, you made the mistake of thinking that you had just the pudgy, old, gray haired John Madison. Do you actually believe that you're gonna get a fair fight on Wedneday? Oh my God, that's hysterical.

A fair fight.

In a match.

Involving John Madison.

Vinnie, they've erected cages with barbed wire and electricity and they still couldn't keep me from being a giant asshole.

Who knows? With Duke and NAZI being on vacation, maybe I'll pick up my X-purse and go shopping to find some people who are interested in some temp work with The Black Circle and The Three Kings.

You want me to watch what you do to Griffin MacAlister? Why, Lane? Why would I need to do that? For one, me and countless others have already beaten The Mechanic. Secondly, you and I are not having a singles match and probably never will. Heh, seriously? I don't give a shit about what you and The Mechanic are doing on Monday night. I'll be busy getting my cattle prod ready for your butt hole.

"Watch while I kick Griffin from corner to corner." Hahaha! That's hilarious, Vinnie. Hey Luca! He wants me to watch what he does to Griffin MacAlister!

As for your proposition which involves me "keeping my distance or I'll get knocked or tapped out."

Well, Vinnie. When you put it that way, I just have to get in your way now. I might just handcuff our ankles together, seeing as how I'm not going to be the legal competitor and you're determined to make me tap. The best course of action would be for me to anchor you to the mat while Theo and Samuels take turns bouncing your head off of the mat. "48 hours," oh Lane, you're funny.