“This morning on CANews, what seemed to be a quick grocery run has turned into thirty car pile up, which XWF star is responsible? The families of victims are speaking out!”

“A grocery run is supposed to be quick and easy. Rose Smith became Renee Young!” says a present man in a present truck at the present scene of the present accident where present traffic has present slowed to a present crawl.

“Several homosexual couples wed in Utah, and there is a protest in San Francisco against corporate greed. Is it a protest or a hippie camp? We’ll break it down with bullet points!”

“All that and what exactly is a ‘Peterfile’? We’ve been looking on the Internet for the definition of this word YOUR kids may be using right now!”

Tri Bute present pressed the 'fast forward' present button on his present remote. For the first present time in present months he was present experiencing future perspiration. He future stood alone in the present living room of his Present California present home. Bute present pressed ‘play’ as the present commercials present ended and the present news feed went right into their present opening story.

“Marcus Grundis, a twenty year old male, on his way to Charlotte’s café in Del Mar ran a red light and drove directly into oncoming traffic. Thirty cars were totaled and twenty-five people, including Marcus, are dead.”

“Marcus’s reckless driving was apparently fueled by lust. Tri Bute, a XWF star, and so-called ‘Future Warrior’ inspired this trip to Charlotte’s on his ‘Ask Shirley-esque' section of his website. There is a link to the blog on our website, CANews.org. Mr. Grundis thought he was off to meet the love of his life and now he’s dead!”

“Don’t believe everything you see on TV folks!”

“Unless it’s CANews!” the present news broadcasters present laughed and present pointed at the present picture of Tri Bute behind them as they present moved on to the next present story.

Tri Bute present turned off the present television; one future tear escaped his future eye.

---

“Dear Readers,

Issue #18 Part #13 will be delayed for the time being. The news of Marcus’s death has put me in a sour mood and there is absolutely no way it will be finished today as I planned.

Grundis was destined to do great things, but then he watched a John Austin promo. Let’s let this be a lesson to all of us. Just because you feel the intensity and energy in every strum of a guitar it doesn’t mean you should be spontaneous or quick to do something out of the ordinary.

If Grundis didn’t see Austin’s promo and write to me about it, he’d be there in Charlotte’s as I future type this. It just really bugs me. Austin’s promo wasn’t even that good, nor was his latest one, either, awful. Marcus Grundis allowed himself to be swayed by mediocrity, by Austin trying really hard to play the guitar, and it just makes me think about why I even bother.

How do I know the rest of my avid readers won’t do the same? You all have done nothing to prove you’re any better than Marcus; how many other perfect lives were destroyed by that John Austin promo? Did any of you get on planes heading to Toronto to watch some boring fight play out?

The news may be saying that this is my fault, and maybe it partially is, but John Austin started it. His damn guitar, his damn intensity, and his damn energy have sent twenty-five men, women, and children to their graves ahead of schedule.

Now my propeller shoes are going to be a shittier make and model than they should.

I’ll leave you with a future saying, “This is why we can’t future have nice future things.”

Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion”
“One Third of The XWF Trio Tag Champions”
Tri Bute
“The Future Warrior”

---

Future Letter To The Future Editor:

"Dear Tri Bute,

So, I regrettably watched the latest John Austin promo. He had some words about a future comic, but he actually had a physical copy. How do I get my hands on a physical copy of these future comics?" - Adam, 17, NJ, Present Earth

Dear Adam,

I watched it too. John Austin seems to have bought a fan-made publication. There have been no authorized releases of my future comics in book form. The future comics are only officially posted in the 'Future Comic' section of my website.

Telling you where to purchase unauthorized publications of my works would be pretty stupid of me. Please keep reading the future comic from my website for free, it's a win-win situation. I get ad revenue, and you get free content.

Love,
“The 8000 Time SSAW King of The Universe Warrior Grandslam Mega Murder Mother Flippin’ Champion”
“One Third of The XWF Trio Tag Champions”
Tri Bute
“The Future Warrior"

"Pink is my signature color!" - Elle Woods