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Dr. Zero · (11-26-2013)

Dear Diary,

So, I've been in this place for about 2 months now and this is, by far, the shittiest job I've ever had. I can only understand 2 people here and I barely feel comfortable calling them people.

The first is a little worm guy that runs around here in a glass jar on a bunch of little robot legs that makes me remember the dean from my old college (note: maybe if I'd gone to an accredited school I wouldn't be here in the first place) and the other is my boss, Dr. Zero. He's basically a man-chicken-thing. I don't get it and I don't ask questions.

It's really dehumanizing, the whole thing. They refuse to call me by name. I'm "Number 854". I'm Scott, goddammit! Won't someone just call me by damn name, please!?

I'm sorry, diary. I know it's not you. You're really all I have to talk to. You know, I really thought it was rough growing up in Alabama, but I swear to God I will never bitch about a southern accent again.

Honestly, I'm bitching about all the wrong things right now. There's really so much that sucks. I haven't seen or heard from my family or friends since coming to this lab. Hell, I'm not entirely sure I've even seen the outside world.

I heard that Dr. Zero took out a few of the other guys to run some errands or something, and, even though he creeps me out, I felt kinda jealous.

I'm not sure OSHA is even aware of this place. Last week, there was an incident in one of the rooms where, for some fucking reason, there was a polar bear with goddamn tentacles for arms that had gotten loose and just started shitting on the floor. I mean, it's cool he didn't get violent or anything, but guess who got to clean it all up…Number 85goddamn4. Bullshit, I say.

There was a fucking Nazi walking around here. A real-life fucking Nazi. I thought we killed all those bastards already, Who the hell lets a Nazi take a tour of a state-of-the-art scientific laboratory? I'm sorry, I thought this was America.

Now that I think about it, I'm not really sure where this place is.

Did I even mention about the demon that comes in here every other week? What the fuck is that all about? Giant thing, huge horns, green skin, and big-ass plates all over his back. Always smashing up the lobby and going on and on and on and on about how we have his property or something. Whatever, man. How many times do we have to tell you to just call and leave a message and we'll try to find it?

You know, retail sucked but at least there were no demons or polar bear tentacle shits.

None of that's even the worst part. It seems like every day, this megalomaniac calls us into the theater to give us some stupid speech. Man, does this guy love to hear his own voice. Always just this shit to puff himself up. Just this weeks it was all…

"Greetings, my loyal subjects!" Ok, first of all, what fucking boss talks like that to his employees?

"Greetings, my loyal subjects! Before I get on with today's speech, I've been given a note that says someone left their lights on in the parking lot. I believe it's a '97 Ford Taurus?" Of course it's Number 6's. Who knew we even had a parking lot? What is this shit? Am I the only one that can't leave?

Then the asshole goes on. "As you know, we continue to have problems of intruders attempting to access the laboratory through the lobby. Thank you for your diligent work in stopping that problem from entering. We will be building a tower on the northeast side soon that should be able to spot that before it happens, also we are drawing up plans for a moat. It has come to my attention, sadly, that we still have the issue of food disappearing out of the break-room refrigerators. Really, gentlemen, we are all adults here." It's about time he's said something about that.

He goes on like this for a while and it all seems halfway normal, you know? But it's not too long before he starts shapeshifting. I didn't even know that was a thing. He calls it the "entertainment portion" of the whole show. The other guys fucking eat it up. Idiots. When he's giving this speech, he turns into that Nazi from a few weeks ago.

"Ohhh, look at me! I'm a fancy Nazi! I'm an outdated plebeian who only made it to the finals of the Lethal Lottery Tournament because I was paired with a mudblood freak who I'm so superior to but couldn't have won without! My hypocrisy knows no bounds!"

Then he turns into that other guy, that I actually kinda' like. Tony Santos.

"I'm a drunk and my dad's dead and that's probably for the best so he doesn't have to see me get carried all the way through this tournament by Egyptian Snow Pharaoh only to lose horrifically in the finals! I disguise all my self-loathing in wittiness!"

What a dick, seriously.

He goes on and on like this. He turns into that chick, Snow Pharaoh. Starts rambling about "Team Snow Zero" and "Team ZeroAoh". Keeps asking us all to vote on what we like better. They don't know. They're all idiots. They end up going with "Snow Zero". Whatever. One of the guys, Number 75 I think, starts whistling at him when Dr. Zero's walking around looking like Egyptian Snow Pharaoh. He just blasts him with a fucking laser. Nobody says shit.

Dr. Zero starts yelling, "EGYPTIAN SNOW PHARAOH IS NOT A PIECE OF MEAT FOR YOU FOOLS! LET THAT BE A LESSON!"

Don't know what that shit's all about, but whatever.

All the guys get nervous, so he puts on a stupid play to make them happy. It works for them, even though they JUST saw one of their coworkers get murdered.

Nurse X comes out in a suit and a chicken mask. Dr. Zero is all looking like that Shane

guy.

"Why, if it's not Dr. Zero, the XWF's greatest superstar. We would LOVE to have you in the Black Circle, but we feel like it would be too embarrassing to the other members to be outshined so terribly by one such as yourself. Your greatness is truly inspiring. Surely, you will win Lethal Lottery alongside Egyptian Snow Pharaoh and go on to bigger and greater things. Also, you are incredibly handsome."

The stupid bitch just mumbles under the mask. I'm so glad she wears that medical mask all over the place. When she starts talking, you can see the spit dripping off her chin. Fucking disgusting, man. Anyway, that's about all I've got for now. I gotta' get back to work. Apparently, the centipede thing got loose again. That thing is so gross.

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode The Diary of Minion Number 854
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