”Tis BENEATH me, Eugene!” Lionel paces the floor! ”A classically-trained actor of my stature and station! Performing in a HAUNTED HOUSE!?!”
”Lionel.” Lionel’s agent, Gene Branagh, sighs exasperatedly… ”The XWF is looking for talent… to enhance the experience! They signed a promotional deal with Spirit Halloween!”
…Lionel checks the calendar in his office.
”Its still mid-August! Who will even be attending these damnable houses of haunt?!?”
”Lionel, I’m begging you!” Gene drops to one knee, pressing his hands together! ”XWF Owner Vinnie Lane called my corporate number! Branagh Talent could actually get a foothold connecting talent with a multi-billion dollar industry like wrestling! This is like the Splat Network… but in reverse!”
“Instead of wrestlers in television shows… It’ll be actors… IN the wrestling ring!”
”FEH! I’m a real actor, Eugene! I’ve performed with Malcolm McDowell!”
…
”...’s Sister, Judy. I’m ABOVE a Haunted House.”
“...But you don’t know how much the XWF is offering…”
…Lionel’s eyebrow wriggles, intrigued.
”...How much?”
”It’s… generous.” Branagh winks.
”....I’m not falling for this one again, Eugene. I want a number before I say yes!”
…
”Okay. I will write it down.”
…Branagh pulls out a slip of paper and starts writing a number on it.
…Lionel tries to peer the slip.
Branagh carefully hides it.
…
”Gene, just tell me the figure already!”
”Lionel.” Eugene grins. ”I’m not done writing the number.”
…Lionel’s brow waggles intrigued.
…Eugene continues writing.
…
”My word, really?”
…
”N-no way! You’ve filled up half that slip with numbers, Eugene! What is the figure already?!?”
…Branagh holds the number up.
Lionel reaches to take it.
”Y’know, Lionel. Now that I think about it… This gig might not be for you.”
”What?!? I was born to haunt houses! Homes! Abodes! Apartments! I live to be a spirit! I am the life of the party of the dead!”
”...Eh…” Branagh strokes his chin. ”I already offered it to you… But… maybe if you’re not ready to accept, I should shop around my other clients!”
”I ACCEPT! Give me the gig!”
”...No backsies?”
”...NO BACKSIES!”
Branagh grins before pushing the number toward Lionel…
”Pleasure doing business with you!”
Lionel grins ear-to-ear as he greedily snatches the paper.
”And to you, dear Eugen-”
…
Lionel sees the paper.
And his expression sours.
SPIRIT HALLOWEEN HAUNTED HOUSE
RRESENTED BY THE XWF
Lionel walks with a zit-covered teenager in a Spirit Halloween shirt through a spooky, dimly lit house.
”And that, Stewart, is how I learned you can just write zeroes in front of ‘Three hundred dollars’ and it remains three hundred dollars.”
”I get minimum wage.”
”ENOUGH OF YOUR WAGE COMPARISONS, STEWART! We are ACTORS!” Lionel raises a boot on the spooky chair in the haunted house’s parlor. ”I, Sir Lionel Pennyfarthing, shall elevate this simple haunted house to a true production of terror!”
”Now! What is my role? Am I perhaps, the caretaker of the haunted home? A satanic dealer in the demonic arts, with many a monol-”
”Zombie.”
”...Aha… The living dead… I imagine we shall spend hours together in a makeup chair, molding, shaping the visage of horror its-”
Scrit-scrit-scrit.
…Mid-monologue, Stewart started drawing Lionel’s face green with a crayola marker.
”Done.”
…Lionel pulls a stage mirror from his sleeve. Disappointed in his green visage…
”...Well, there are no small parts! Only small actors! We shall fill the cochlea of our prey with SHEER TERROR!”
Two teenagers wander through the haunted house, jumping at moving shadows… Totally spooked!
”Oh Gosh, Tyler… It’s really cr-cr-creepy…”
”Y-y-yeah… I’m totally w-w-wigged out.”
”Heh… I do feel… a little b-b-better, with you holding my hand…”
…
”Tracy, I’m…”
”I’m not holding your hand.”
…
Tracy looks at the hand she’s holding…
And follows it up the arm…
Of a hairy, monstrous green-faced zombie.
The zombie eyes her silently.
”eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh…”
”...nggggggggggggh…”
The teenagers grunt, horrified, staring at this foul creature…
He eyes them silently, as if subsisting on their fear.
…
”Dammit.”
“STUART! LINE!”
Stuart peeks out of the next room… Three lines on each cheek, like a kitty.
”Sup?”
”I had them in the palm of my mind… Remind me my line! From the script!”
”Uh… you don’t… have those. This is, like… unscripted.”
”The script in my mind’s eye, Stewart! Jog my memory!”
…The teens stand awkwardly and confused.
”...Uh… is that zombie… British?”
”Drat. I have given the audience a peek behind the curtain!”
Tyler breathes easy. ”Phew, it’s okay, Tracy… This guy sucks at scaring people.”
”How dare you, Tyler, you blithering fool! I am a titan of terror! A summoner of sublime shocks!”
…
”I’ve simply forgotten my lines.”
”Again, there aren’t ‘lines’, per se…”
”Dude, it’s a haunted house. Don’t you just say ‘Boo!’”
…
”No, that wasn’t the line… It had a… hideous ghastliness… As if the phonetic sound itself would chill your bones to their coil…”
”Ehhhh, let’s get outta here, this guy creeps me out, Tyler…”
”Please, babe! This guy’s just a weird British actor guy… He’s too dumb to scare anybody! He doesn’t have the brains!”
”Ah!” Lionel snaps his fingers! ”Brains! That was the line! We resume the scene!”
”...What?”
CHOMP!
Lionel bites into Stewrt’s skull!
”AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Lionel’s eyes twist like a feral ghoul, as his humanity leaves him, leaving a hollow, soulless husk…
Its lips part, as a single sound floods out…
”BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS!”
”AHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
”RUUUUUUUUUUN!”
The two teens run screaming!
…
Lionel bows.
”And scene!”
Lionel cups his hand around his mouth, calling after his audience! ”Take a headshot by the exit! And google me! INCREASE MY IMDB STARMETER!”
“I’M CURRENTLY FIVE PLACES UNDER JUDY MCDOWELL!”
…
”Excellent screaming, Stewart. I think they believed your amateurish scream was genuine.”
…Stewart pats his skull, realizing he’s not dead, nor bleeding from the skull.
”...Wait… is this ketchup?”
”The actor’s ultimate tool.”
”...This is a Spirit Halloween, dude. We *have* fake blood, y’know?”
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