"Folks, you’re here again with the ‘Always Composed’ Pete Rose. Earlier, we talked to… 'Cavortin' Jake Borden… Let's…"

…

"...Sigh."

"Let’s get this over with..."


”Alright, Jake. What’s gonna happen now, huh? Lemme guess… You’re gonna stammer and sputter and make me look foolish as you fumble your way through a promo where you think it’s going well… Until, through unfortunate happenstance, it turns out you failed again… And I am permanently captured as a bystander in another video titled ‘WORST PROMO EVER #FAIL #LOL #NONUTNOVEMBER.”

“How’s that, Jake? Do I have it about right?”


…

”I cannot comment on that, sir.”

“What I can comment on is my upcoming match against Roger… Some call him Roger the X-Treme… Others, a former XWF year-end award winner!”

“But one thing I know for CERTAI-”

”HOLY FUCKIN’ SHIT!”

”CUT!” Calls out the cameraman… Tearing out the tape from that suddenly-profane footage.

Rose, briefly shellshocked, covers his mouth, realizing he ruined the take, before spinning on Borden.

”Jake, what the aitch-eeee-double-FUCK happened to you?!?”

Jake scratches the top of his mulleted head.

”What precisely are you referring to, Mister Rose?”

”I ref-... I me-... er… LOOK, WHAT IS THIS? Some sorta body snatcher situation? Are you being ADR’ed from a soundbooth? Cuz the Jake Borden I know is an ignorant BUMPKIN who couldn’t get TWO WORDS out his GOB without tripping over his STUPID IDIOT TONGUE!”

…

”Er… no offense, o’course.”

”Your assessment of my past performances strikes at the heart of the truth. I could not take one ounce of offense where a message’s meaning is so undeniably accurate.”

Rose furiously points at Jake’s mouth.

”There! YOU don’t talk good like that!”

”Speak well, you mean.”

”SEE! What happened to you, Jake?!? Your word choice is impeccable, in equal parts, demonstrating a mastery of the English language, while cautiously ensuring comprehension in virtually any audience!”

“The timbre and meter of your voice is PERFECTION, as if your words were dulcet tones of melody dripping from the lips of a long-lost lover, cooing unto me the sweetest poetry to lull me into the deepest, most restful sleep of my life!”

“The volume you’re choosing simultaneously commands the entire space, while feeling like a intimate conversation between just us two!”

…

Rose leans in. And takes a whiff!

”...EVEN YOUR BREATH IS OF THE FINEST MOUNTAIN AIR!”

Rose takes a deep, deeeeeeeeeeep sniff of Borden’s mouth.

”...My God… How did you make your mouth smell like the first snow upon the crescent peaks of the Rocky Mountains?”

Rose grabs Borden by the sides of his trademark silver vest!

”...WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?!?”

---

SEVERAL DAYS EARLIER… IN 1941

”Er… and… uh… WhatImeanis… I’m tired of peop-...er, everybody say-...uh, claimin’ I don’t talk we-er, good!”

…Borden sighs, frustrated. He buries his head in his hands.

”I beg-...er, asked my best friend, Doctor Nichol-...er, Nikola Smacksya for assi-HELP, Imean.”

Borden’s lip curls downward into a frown.

”Unfort-...er, Thing is, he men-...er, said he’s il-...er,  sick.”

…

”Sick of my SHI-er… problems!”

“He said I should res-...er, fix it my-..er, no, yeah, myself.”

…

Borden leans against the wall behind him.

”It’s jus-... er, really, it’s… er…”

…

”I’m a-a-afraid.”

Borden dry-swallows.

”I’m… er, I stand there with a m-microphone and I th-er, I get nervous about the m-...uh, all the ways it ca-er, could go off-co-...wrong, I mean.”

“You c-...er, might say it… cutting promos, I mean… it’s… a… er, my…”

Jake turns his head toward the camera.

“DARKEST FEAR.”

Across the screen, text flashes…

PRESENTED FOR YOUR BONUS POINT CONSIDERATION

Borden nods.

”See, that’s… uh… why I trav-...er, came to you from the 197-... well, the 202-... er, the future, sir! I hear-... er, read, actually, that you can fix spe-...er, people who can’t tal-er, speak and I ne-”

A hand grasps Borden comfortingly by the shoulder.

Borden looks up into the eyes of…


LIONEL LOGUE! The Royal Speaking Coach of King George VI!

Logue beckons with both hands for Jake to stand.

Jake rushes to his feet so fast, he almost trips over himself, shivering with anticipation…

Logue, as elegantly as a fallen leaf weaving through the air, crosses the room…

To his desk… He slickly slides a drawer open… Retrieving a record!

Atop his desk sits the latest in phonographic technology… An Emerson Victrola!



As the song begins to play, Logue crosses the room…

Borden has started to breathe out of his mouth, clearly emotional at the idea of having to speak…

Logue wags his finger back-and-forth.

He draws a hand on his own chest.

And takes a deep breath.

Iiiiiiiiiiin.

…

Ooooooooooout.

…

He draws his hand from himself toward Borden.

…

Borden breathes…

Iiiiiiiiiiin.

…

Oooooooooooooooooout.

Jake’s shoulders de-tense.

Logue nods.

And his mouth opens…

…

“Hello my name is Lionel and this week I had a talk with my friend Bertie whose name is also George and is also King George and he is the sixth one of those by which I mean the sixth King George of Great Britain who lives in foggy london in a castle and Bertie said to me Lionel? to which I said Yes Bertie to show that I was listening because a speaking coach should be a good listener and part of being a good listener is acknowledging when one is being spoken to, so when Bertie spoke to me I spoke back to him to show that he could continue speaking because otherwise perhaps he would have thought that I wasn’t listening or had fallen asleep or was thinking about the dream I had the night before where I was stuck inside of a supermarket that was also my house and all of the customers were my mother and I was trying to find the aisle where the peanut butter was because I knew none of my mother-customers would be there because my mother is deathly allergic to peanuts except when I got there one of my mother-customers had eaten all the peanut butter and I had to drive her to the hospital but then Prime Minister Winston Churchill showed up in surgical garb because he was going to perform the surgery but then it turned out he said I can’t perform on this woman she’s my wife and this is my son and he pointed toward me and I looked backward but there was no one behind me so he was talking about me and then I woke up from the dream.”

“All of this is to say that my friend Bertie whose name is also King said to me Lionel? to which I said Yes Bertie to show that I was listening and not thinking about that dream and once he saw that I was listening is when he said Lionel, I need to learn to talk good because if I don’t, Adolf Hitler is going to take over our country and make everyone wear lederhosen and eat bratwurst and we won’t be able to eat beans on toast because he’ll make it against the law and my ears perked because I hate that bitch Adolf Hitler ever since he and I went to the same dance hall because everyone was going there because apparently someone had invented a new thing called ‘the foxtrot’ and I wanted to see it because I’d never seen a fox trot before, the only things I’ve ever seen trot are horses and dogs and trout and people in horse costumes and people in dog costumes and dogs in trout costumes.”

“Anyway, so I got to the dancehall and I’d brought my opera glasses because I knew the people of foggy london would come in droves to see foxes trot and I knew if I couldn’t get close enough to see the foxes trot, I’d be able to see them through my opera glasses and also people nearby would be like Lionel brought opera glasses, that’s such a cool thing to do, we should be his friend and invite him to tea and we can all watch the footie which is what we in foggy london call watching football eventhough it is exactly as many syllables as watching football and doesn’t save any time saying ‘footie’ versus saying ‘football’ but when I looked through my opera glasses into the dancehall, it wasn’t foxes trotting it was people dancing and I said to myself Oh, those are people dancing, I thought I would see foxes trotting and I didn’t realize that bitch Adolf Hitler was next to me and Hitler put down his opera glasses through which he was watching the foxtrot and said Ja! Did you guys hear zat? Lionel Logue thought that ze foxtrot was actually foxes trotting! and he pointed and laughed at me and several people also laughed and several other people said it was an understandable mistake and that they also came to the dancehall because they thought they would see foxes trotting, but then Hitler said “Guess vhat?” to which I was admittedly curious what I should be guessing and wondered if it had to do with this World War Two thing I’d heard people talking about so I asked him What? to which he replied ”Chicken Butt!” and then he pointed and laughed at me again and then hopped in his car with his wife Eva Braun and made out with her and then said ”Ja! Smell you later!” and drove off.”

“Needless to say, I swore that day I’d destroy that bitch Adolf Hitler and also one day learn what World War Two was, so I asked my friend Bertie who name is also Sixth Hey, what’s World War Two? to which he replied ”Lionel, We’re in World War Two right now! That’s the thing I’m trying to stop Hitler from winning by asking you to help me learn to speak!” and I said ohhhhhhhh. I didn’t know. To which Bertie said ”Well, World War Two is all about Hitler an-” and I covered my ears and went LA-LA-LA-, because I hadn’t seen World War One yet and I didn’t want to spoil it by hearing about what comes after.”

“So, I agreed to teach my friend Bertie whose name is also Britain how to speak and that included doing things like rolling him on the floor and having him shout vowels out his window and playing the phonograph record with headphones on his ears so he can’t hear his own voice  and having him lay on the ground and putting his feet in the air so I could lean onto his feet with my stomach and pretend I’m an aeroplane and he asked ”Lionel, are you sure this will help me get better at speaking?” to which I replied Yes. but I really just wanted to pretend I was an aeroplane and after we did all that Bertie said “Lionel, I can talk good! I did it!!” To which I replied ”No, Bertie. *You* did it.” to which he replied ”I know, that’s what I said.” to which I replied, ”Oh sorry, I wasn’t listening.”

“Anyway, while I was telling you that story, you and I did all of those things I did for my friend King whose name is also George and now you also talk good.”

“Thank you for completing my speech therapy program.”

The record stops.

…Jake looks at himself.

His shoulders broader… His previous uncertain slouch replaced with the stance of a powerful warrior-poet!

As he breathes, he feels a flood of words enter his mind… as if the English language were a river and he was a trotting trout who called that river home.

”Doc!” Jake smiles from ear-to-ear, feeling freedom, as if the chains holding his tongue imprisoned had been broken! "I’m cured!”

Lionel smiles, before humbly shaking his head. ”No, Jake. *You* did it.”

…

”Sorry, I wasn’t listening.”

---

…

”So, you’re telling me, you used the time-travel portal in your locker to go back to 1941 where Lionel Logue taught how to speak the King’s English.”

”The King’s Speech, as it were, Mister Rose.”

”Ah. Good reference.”

”I don’t know what you refer to, Mister Rose, as I am from the 1970s.”

…

”That story was the most insane, rambling drivel I’ve ever heard in my entire life.”

…

”But God DAMN it.” Rose plants a proud hand on Borden’s shoulder. ”I was *mesmerized*... I couldn’t take my eyes off your mouth, Jake. You turned that rambling mess Lionel Logue sputtered into GOLD when you said it to me! I FELT LIKE I WAS THERE!”

Rose wraps his arm around Borden and pans his hand across a vast open field of possibility.

”You and me, Jake! Are about to cut the greatest wrestling promo of all-time! A clip that wrestling fans can share around the world with the caption ‘BEST PROMO EVER #FIREEMOJI #NONUTNOVEMBER!”

”What you have just expressed, Mister Rose, is my deepest wi-.”

Rose shoves a finger against Borden’s golden lips.

”Shhhhhhhh… Save it the camera.”

Rose shifts Borden into position in the frame, dusting his shoulders so his interview subject looks immaculate.

”Let’s GO AGAIN!!” Rose turns his finger in a circle at the cameraman, who hits ‘RECORD’.

---

"Alright, Jake! You’ve undergone quite a transformation recently! Why don’t you take this microphone and show us what you’ve been working on."


”Ye-*KRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSH*””

The microphone fizzes and sparks in Rose’s hand.

”CUT!”

A technie walks up to Rose, who frustratedly hands over the microphone.

”What the hell’s going on?!? You’re fucking with my EMMY!”

The technie unscrews the microphone’s base… And peels out.

A busted tube.

”Jeez, how old is this microphone, Pete?”

”Shuddup! It’s my lucky mic! Fix it!”

The technie turns the busted tube over, shaking his head.

”I mean… I don’t know if they’ve made THIS kinda tube since… the 1970s…”

…

”Seriously, I couldn’t imagine fixing this microphone without a time machine!”

…

”Like you’d have to travel BACK IN TIME… To the 1970s… To find a tu-”

”Shut up. I get it.”

…Rose sighs, knowing this will go horribly wrong…

Before turning to his interview guest.

”Jake.”

”Yes, my dear Mister Rose.”

Rose snatches the tube out of the techie’s hand.

”Can you *please* use your time portal to go back to the 1970s? Get a tube that looks like THIS.” He holds the tube up to Borden’s eyes. ”And come right back… Without anything fucking up your velvety, perfect promo voice!”

”Why, my dear Mister Rose, it would be my utmo-”

”GO! DO IT NOW!” Rose screams.

Borden swats nervously, before sprinting away to his locker.

That moment that Borden disappears, a mover comes in with a pair of lockers, side-by-side, in a hand truck…

”What the Hell is this?” Rose calls out incredulously!

”GM’s orders! Mister Principle asked us to move some roster lockers to make room for the spooky stuff they’re shipping in for Spooky Savage!”

…

”So… Lemme guess.” Rose sighs, already anticipating where this might be going. ”Does one of those lockers belong to Jake Borden?”

…The mover checks his worksheet on its clipboard, before nodding.

”Yip.”

”Aaaaaaand… *sigh*... what did you replace Borden’s locker with?”

…

The mover flips to the next page on his clipboard.

”Oh… A, uh… Portal to a Hell-town.” He nods, flipping back to the front page nonchalantly.

…

Rose throws his ‘lucky’ microphone to the ground.

”I’ll be in my trailer.”

---

Jake carefully steps sideways out of the locker…

Into…


…

”My word! This doesn’t appear to be the 1970s at all!”

Jake tip-toes, his lungs struggling against the thick damp air… his face contorts in puzzlement at the knee-deep fog covering his feet.

”Goodness gracious! Everpresent fog! Noxiously poisonous atmosphere! The sudden looming feeling that around every corner is a hideous creature that would kill me!”

Jake scratches his head.

…

”I must be in foggy London!”

Jake tries to adjust his hair into a more cultured gentlemanly mullet, (business in the front, an elegant soiree in the back)

”I best try to fit in among the local rabble! Lest they detect I am an outsider!”

Jake clears his throat.

”OI OI, GENTS! LET’S RABBIT IN THE NUCLEAH! GAH SAVE THE QUEEN!”

…Jake nods.

”Perfect!”

He steps deeper into the town…

---

Jake creeps along the foggy streets… Stretching his arms in front of him, trying to clear a path in the fog.

”I can’t see a thing… How am I supposed to find a tube when I can’t see my hands before my face?”

Borden continues pressing his hands forward, like a blind Marco Polo player!

Just in front of him…

A LYING FIGURE! A WRITHING PILE OF LEGS AND ARMS UNNATURALLY EXTENDS AND CONTRACTS IN THE STREET!

…

As Jake palms forward…

He accidentally shoves it over! It lands on its back like a turtle, its half-dozen legs kick helplessly into the air!

”SCUZ ME!” Jake calls out in his terrible British accent. ”BIT PISSED! JUST TRYING TO… FIN AN’ OFFIE ON MY WAY TO WIMBLEDON, BRUV!”

Jake palms forward…

…As he hears… A distant buzzing…

”...What’s that?” Jake cups a hand around his ear…

…His eyes light up with hope!

”...Is that… a radio?!?”

---

”Radio…”

Harry Mason lifelessly says, trying to find his lost daughter with all the passion in his voice of a sleepwalking computer scientist with seasonal depression.

”What’s going on with that radio?”

…Harry, shambling awkwardly across the room, like he operates on tank controls, sort-of crab walks from one end of the diner toward the only other thing in the space…

The bright red radio fizzes, spitting static.

Mason approaches… Until his hand hovers over the dev-

SWIP!

That moment, Borden snatches the radio into the air…

Unscrews the back!

And pulls out…

The tube he needs!

”FANKS, GUVNA!” Borden tosses the radio to Harry.

It bounces off Mason’s face… Borden immediately slips back out the door.

…

”...Radi-”

KERASH! That moment, a winged demon sails throught the diner window and tackles Harry Mason!

OH THE HUMANITY!

IF ONLY HE HAD AN ITEM THAT MADE A SOUND TO WARN HIM OF APPROACHING MONSTERS!

…

Anyway, back to a better character.

---

Back outside the diner, Borden carefully slips the tube into the front pocket of his silver jacket…

”Nice… Now, I just have to find my way back h-”

…Borden stops in his tracks.

…

Before him… the fog clears just enough to make out…

A sea…

An OCEAN of writhing lying figures…

Their legs kicking in the air!

”Ohhh g-g-god… Foggy London’s C-c-chimney sweeps!”

Covering every inch of the street!

They slowly creep toward him!

Terror grips the Cavortin’ One completely!

”H-h-hoooo… O-o-o-ohh, man… M-m-my s-s-stutter when I get s-s-scared! It’s b-b-back!”

The Lying Figures creep closer…

Closer!

He feels himself getting lightheaded as the monsters are nearly open him…

He knows he should run… But his legs refuse to obey…

…Jake's lungs rapidly pump out of his control…

…

When he puts a hand on his chest…

Breathe iiiiiiiiiiiiin.

…

Phew, ooooooooooout.

His shoulders de-tense.

”O-okay…” Jake stammers, trying to keep his composure. ”W-what did Mister L-Logue teach me?”

Jake looks up and to the right, as a big thought bubble appears above him.

Quote:I covered my ears and went LA-LA-LA-, because I hadn’t seen World War One yet

”...D-d-doesn’t apply to this situation…”

Quote:I was trying to find the aisle where the peanut butter was because I knew none of my mother-customers would be there because my mother is deathly allergic to peanuts

”...N-n-not really h-h-helpful… c-c-c’mon, Mister L-l-logue…”

The creatures have crawled less than a foot away… Their legs wildly kicking after Jake!

Quote:that included doing things like rolling him on the floor and having him shout vowels out his window and playing the phonograph record with headphones on his ears so he can’t hear his own voice  and having him lay on the ground and putting his feet in the air so I could lean onto his feet with my stomach and pretend I’m an aeroplane...

”EU-EU-EUREK-er, that’s it!!” Jake snaps his fingers!

The disjointed abominations of writhing legs reach Borden’s feet…

Just as the Cavortin’ One…

Leans forward…

And lets his belly lean again the Lying Figure’s feet!

”Oh g-g-gosh! H-h-hope this works!”

He extends his hands out into a Superman pose…

…

AND BEGINS TO AEROPLANE ALONG THE LYING FIGURE’S FEET!

Like a two-foot high crowd surf! A KIDDIE POOL CROWD SURF!

Borden is delighted! ”Th-th-this isn’t e-e-exactly how I pictured c-c-crowd surfin’ but I-I-I’ve ALWAYS wanted to cr-cr-crowd surf! Y-y-you might call it m-m-my…”

“DEEPEST DESIRE.”

Borden looks into the camera, as the text flashes across the screen…

PRESENTED FOR YOUR BONUS POINT CONSIDERATION

---

…Jake doggie-paddles to the end of the pile of writhing legs… And reaches the outskirts of Silent Hill!

He somersault-rolls forward through the town’s outskirts! And dives into the locker he first stepped through!

---

Rose has his head buried in one hand… As the other holds an open bottle of scotch

”I just wanted to be the first wrestling commentator to win an EGOT… Is that so much to ask?”

…

Pete Rose takes a glug, as scotch drips down his chin…

He shakes a fist toward the ceiling.

”WHY GOD… WHY DO YOU GIVE ME YOUR TOUGHEST BATTLES?!?”

…Rose takes another swig… Rubbing his forearm against his chin.

”IS THIS BECAUSE I HIT THAT KID WITH MY CAR AND KEPT DRIVING AND NEVER TOLD ANYONE?!? …Who would tell anyone, God?!? That’s my…”

”DIRTY SECRET.”

Rose looks into the camera…

PRESENTED FOR YOUR BONUS POINT CONSIDERATION

”M-m-mister R-r-rose!” Jake jogs around the corner, with a tube in his hand. ”I g-g-got it! I got the t-t-tube you n-n-need!” Borden jogs up to Rose excitedly holding the object he was sent to retrieve!

…Pete sighs. ”And, of course… On your trip to retrieve it… now, you can’t talk again…”

Pete pushes off the gr-... Whoop!

…

He almost fell over on the way up! But, he’s okay.

”I’m okay.”

Yeah, he’s okay.

Pete somewhat dizzily shoves his scotch bottle into his pocket.

”Alright. There goes my award-winning, historically good promo. Let’s get this o-”

”Er… uh… just one s-s-sec, Mister… er, R-r-rose, sir.”

Pete drunkenly sighs… He checks the scotch in his pocket… And there’s a little backwash at the bottom. ”Make it quick.” He spits, as he starts to unscrew the top.

…

…..

Jake puts a hand on his chest…

Breathe iiiiiiiiiiiiin.

…

Phew, ooooooooooout.

…

Jake smiles.

”I’m ready, Mister Rose. I’m ready to cut the single-greatest promo anyone has ever… No, WILL EVER HEAR… IN WRESTLING HISTORY!”

Pete almost chokes on that last sip!

”J-j-jake! Your FLAWLESS VOICE! It’s back!”

Rose sputters excitedly… as production rushes into place!

”Er… uh… q-q-quick! You take the tu-... yes, perfect, now, put it i-... Yes! Okay!”

Rose wipes his face clean, straightens his hair… And gives himself a few face smacks.

”C’mon, Rose, you can do this! Stardom awaits!”

…Meanwhile, beside him, Jake Borden…

For the first time in his career…

Looks cool.

Calm.

And collected.

Like he feels like he belongs here.

…

Showtime.

---

”I’m here with “Cavortin’” Jake Borden! Jake, you just promised me you were gonna cut the greatest promo ever to grace the ears of the entire XWF Universe! Do I have that right?”


”Yip! That’s ri-”

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Suddenly, the production feed cuts out. Sound and images flash and fail.

As Jake speaks, Rose panickedly looks into the camera, howling!

”Wh… u mean the fe… is cutting i… ut… who’s RUNNING th… oduction!?”

…We zoom out from the screen.

To the production control room.

Behind the switches and knobs.


…The Shiba Inu behind the control desk, randomly flips knobs and switches…

Before turning to look down the camera.

”Well, they said when Theo left, this show would go... to the dogs!”

FIN