The van kills it’s headlights deep in the woods and comes to a stop. Ned Kaye wakes up, fluttering his eyelashes as he does.

“Are we in space yet?”

No, Ned, and I have to come clean.

“Damn it.”

Ned sits up. Bobby Bourbon is seated on the floor of his van. Genevieve Tote is with her tablet as always. Cyberjaw, the man with the cybernetic jaw, and Diamondback, the man who can blend into any crowd, get out of the front of the vehicle and open the sliding side door, retrieving the massive black orb Bobby was leaning on.

“I knew this was too good to be true. What are you going to do now, take my wallet and give me a swirly?”

What?

No.

A swirly?

Mr. Bourbon, a swirly is when you dip someone’s head in a toilet then flush it.

I am familiar, Miss Tote, but, damn, Ned, you think I’m a swirly giver?

“Well, I mean, you told me we were going on a fun trip to hype wrestling and meet other celebrities, instead you drove me into the woods.”

“Wait. Are you going to murder me?”

No!

“I need to go clear my head, excuse me.”

Ned steps out of the van and walks off. Bobby whispers off to him.

Ned!

Get back here!

It’s dangerous in the woods!

Ned raises his right hand and sticks up his middle finger, still walking away from Bobby. Ned lowers his arm and continues to walk until he sees a glowing light in the distance. A fire. Intrigued, Ned couldn’t help but walk towards it. As he got closer, he saw the fire was very large, and almost of distinct shape, and the type of people who were here. White hoods, and robes, and flags of the Confederate States of America and Nazi Germany abound around a burning cross. Ned freezes. As he does, from behind him, he hears a familiar voice.

I really don’t know why the fuck he brought you along for this.

Charlie Nickles is beaming at Ned, teeth missing from his grin.

You’re not the hero he needs to coach up, you ran and didn’t let him explain himself.

Dolly Waters is behind Ned, who spins. The signs of a B.O.B. ambush were piling up. Ned panicked, and ran from the devils he knew to those he didn’t. The pack of white supremacists all pause, staring at Ned as he scampers out through the woods. Ned looks around at the racists with disgust. One man pulls a pistol out and points it at Ned; this was worse than Ned expected. What the hell was Bobby thinking? With that, a massive curious black orb drops into the center of the group of racists. It begins to hum, and vibrate, and suddenly the pistol can’t help but point itself at the orb. Ned watches as fourth grade science ensues.

Gentlemen, and I use the term loosely.

Ned, don’t look so shocked.

Bobby steps into the clearing beside Ned.

“I’m absolutely shocked though! It’s legit shock!”

Yeah, well,

stop.

The white supremacists all shout as their firearms all careen to the massive electro magnet Bobby brought with him. A few massive belt buckles also come clean off of some very stinky denim, which causes a few pairs of jeans to just fall to the ground.

Thank you for surrendering your arms and agreeing to a fist fight.

Hahahahahaha, it’s been too long, Bobby!

For real.

Yeah, Bobby, let’s kill these nazis.

Thunder Knuckles walks into view, cracking his knuckles.

“Sorry I’m late, guys.”

Mr. Oz appears at the cross burning, looking at the confused white supremacists there.

Me Too.

Barney Green comes out of the woodwork.

“Count me too.”

Unexpectedly, "Chris Page" walks out. Ned blinks slowly.

“I though he…”

Nah, this is a B.O.B. reunion, man, we get together to beat up nazis, you’re invited.

“Wait, I don’t see Jenny anywhere.”

She’s not invited anymore.

Anyway, Avengers!

“Dammit, you’re doing the line.”

Bobby nods.

Assemble.

Ned rushes in and nails a guy in the jaw with a flying knee, breaking his jaw and sending teeth flying along with a spew of blood. The rest of B.O.B. all look on in awe.

Uh, Ned, this is a wrestling promo, buddy, we were all going to monologue for a bit before we got to that part.

Ned turns and grabs a nazi by the face, and punches him in the throat, dropping him instantly. Crash Rodriguez walks in holding a stick with some marshmallows. B.O.B. D walks in too, grinning.

I’m glad Ned’s joining!

He’s not, bro.

Oh, then why did Bobby invite Ned along then?

Ned Kaye continues to thrash nazis.

This was more fun when we didn’t have the electromagnet.

Yeah, yeah it was. Miss Tote, next time, no electromagnet.

Genevieve looks absolutely livid as her tablet is now pressed firmly against the electromagnet and as useful as a paperweight.

Mr. Bourbon, you owe me a new iPad.

Yes, Miss Tote, of course. Now, if you’ll excuse me, we have to get to wrecking.

Bobby and the rest of B.O.B. all blitz the group of white supremacists and join in with Ned Kaye in destroying them.


=


OLD TIME STYLE HAIR CREAM!

The voice booms out at you.

FOR THAT OLD TIME STYLE LOOK!

We see an average man who is obviously a model with an impeccably sculpted body, absolutely the opposite of average but perfect for the sake of advertising. He's our average man because he’s who insecure people wish they saw in the mirror. That’s how advertising works. So, this guy who’s looking in the mirror, pulls out a small decanter of Old Time Style Hair Cream. He applies some to his hair, and it’s suddenly as rigid and tamed as Ricky Ricardo’s from the 50’s. The whole scene goes black and white. A disclaimer runs across the bottom of the screen as the booming voice echoes it.

OLD TIME STYLE HAIR CREAM WILL NOT TURN YOU BLACK AND WHITE!

The average man smiles into the mirror and gets dressed. He’s wearing eighties hip hop chic, chains, sneakers, more of a vibe than a look, but with fifties hair. He looks good.

OLD TIME STYLE HAIR CREAM IS GOOD FOR THE FIFTIES! FOR THE EIGHTIES! ANY DECADE BOOMERS WISH WERE STILL AROUND BECAUSE NOSTALGIA!

The average man goes to a grocery store and picks a grape off of a bunch and squishes it.

OLD TIME STYLE HAIR CREAM DOESN’T THINK YOU SHOULD DO THAT, IT’S WEIRD.

The average man goes to a public bathroom in a Burger King. He goes into a stall and pees all over the seat, aiming for it instead of the water.

OLD TIME STYLE HAIR CREAM THINKS THAT'S ALSO A LITTLE FUCKED UP, WHY BRO?

The average man is seen under a bridge. He gives a seedy looking man some money, who hands him a syringe. The average man injects himself, then starts to make out with the seedy looking man.

OLD TIME STYLE HAIR CREAM REALLY ISN'T TRYING TO JUDGE, BUT IS THIS ANYBODY'S BEST LIFE?

The average man goes into a fast food restaurant, walks up to the online order stand, takes a random bag, and walks out. He opens it and starts eating it.

OLD TIME STYLE HAIR CREAM WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU ORDERED THAT.

The average man shakes his head 'no'.

OH COME ON MAN.


=


We come back and see a pile of beat up Nazi’s all knocked silly and stacked up, naked, and being photographed. Ned, slightly out of breath, looks at Bobby quizzically.

“Why are you photographing them, Bobby? It seems inhumane.”

Eh, they’re nazis, get inhumane with them.

Plus, blackmail schemes.

“Oh.”

Does that disappoint you, Ned?

“Kind of, I mean, but, well no.”

“No it doesn’t.”

“I’m glad you’re keeping tabs on them.”

Thanks Ned. Did you have fun?

“I did!”

Neat. Better than space camp celebrity softball?

“I just wanted to see how that would even work, Bobby.”

Me too, Ned. Me too. Maybe someday.

Until then, we can always kick the crap out of people.