“HAHA! STEVE! I DIDN’T KNOW YOUR TYPE WAS WEALTHY HEIRESSES!” YKW playfully shoves Steve on the arm. “I ALWAYS PICTURED YOUR TYPE AS MO-”

Steve’s medically-undersized right-hand presses against Y’all-Know-Who’s mouth.

Sayors dons his widest-fakest smile, as he revolves toward his date-slash-fiance-slash-ticket-out-of-debt, currently swiping irritatedly on her phone.

“Claudette… dear?” He attempts some verbal affection.

Claudette’s brow wrinkles, disgusted. Yet, her eyes remain on her device.

“This man is myyyyyyyyyyyy…”

…Steve struggles to fabricate a lie.

Sayors had never been particularly quick-witted, on-the-fly or otherwise.

In fact, he’d been frequently picked last in his improv classes.

…Improv wasn’t even a team activity where you pick teams.

Yet, he was picked last.

“...yyyyyyyyyy…”

…

“Steven.” Claudette cuts in, disinterestedly. “I don-”

“TENNIS INSTRUCTOR!” Steve blurts out.

…

“Sorry, continue.”

“I don’t CARE who this man is to you.” Claudette spits, lifting her phone to her ear. “Listen, I’ve spent FOUR MINUTES, TORTURED by your company. Now, I must handle business. If you MUST speak, please do so three tables over while I VERBALLY THROTTLE this paper mill manager.”

Claudette furiously hits ‘talk’. Her face softens. She effortlessly and gracefully disappears into a world of million-dollar deals.

…Steve once overdrafted his bank account, purchasing a gumball.

Without revoking his hand, Steve backs-up YKW. YKW, despite walking-backwards, effortlessly balances his cake in one hand.

Once they’ve walked three tables away, Steve releases YKW’s mouth.

“SHE SEEMS LOVELY!” YKW beams, genuinely delighted that Steve’s found… love? He sets his cake down on the table. “YOU’RE A LUCKY MAN, STEVE!”

Steve glances at… ol’ TP-Money.

Indeed, Claudette’s so focused on her business call, she wouldn’t notice if her head caught fire.

Steve exhales, relieved.

“TELL ME ALL ABOUT HER! HOW’D YOU MEET? COFFEE SHOP? THE OFFICE?”

“...You sent her my contact info on OnlyFans. She decided I was pathetic and ineffectual enough to adopt as a prop husband.”

“...HAHA! TALE AS OLD AS TIME.” YKW smiles, gently elbowing his cake like it’s some inside joke between the three of them. YKW taps his ear, playfully. “DO I HEAR WEDDING BELLS?”

Steve raises both hands, defensively. “So. I don’t want to be mean...”

“NATURALLY NOT, STEVE. YOU’RE A HEARTBREAKER… BUT WITH A HEART OF GOLD!” YKW nods, touched at what he perceives to be Steve’s vulnerability. “JUST BE GENTLE WITH THAT DELICATE CREATURE!”

“No, listen… Whenever you come around, I lose money.”

“WH-WH-WHAT?!?” YKW recoils his whole body, like this news shocks him to his core. “HOW DO YOU MEAN, STEVE?”

“I owe the XWF $500,000! I violated federal labor regulations interviewing you! Accidentally!”

“TRUE, STEVE! HENCE, WHY I GAVE YOU A $500,000 SLEEPING BAG! THAT YOU SET ABLAZE!”

“...Also, accidentally. Okay, but THEN, I sold my own blood! To buy BarnCoin!”

“YOU DID, STEVE! AND I STOPPED BY, OFFERING YOU AN ALTERNATIVE FINANCIAL ROUTE: DARK MAGICS!”

YKW playfully elbows Steve. “ARE YOU REALLY BLAMING ME ON BARNCOIN’S VALUE DROPPING?”

“Okay, fine! B-b-but then! I setup an anonymous foot-fetish OnlyFans account… a-a-and you DOXXED ME!”

“CORRECTION, STEVE! I BORROWED YOUR DATING ACCOUNT, DISTRIBUTING MESSAGES WITH A CONFIDENT OPENING LINE!” YKW nods, with a 1000-megawatt smile behind Sayors. “THAT’S HOW YOU MET THAT BEAUTY BEHIND YOU!”

…Sayors’ brow wrinkles.

“So… You’re not here to…” Steve gulps. “Financially ruin me?”

“OF COURSE NOT, STEVE!” YKW winks. “WE’RE OLD FRIENDS!”

…Steve’s still suspicious.

“Then… Why are you here?”

“HAHA! SAME REASON YOU ARE, STEVE!”

YKW raises the cake.



“LOVE!”

…

Steve looks at the cake.

Then, YKW.

Back to the cake.

“...So.” Steve joins his fingertips beneath his nose, seeking a diplomatic route here.

…

“No.”

“...PARDON?”

“No. Uh… If possible… I’d like to opt-out now, please.”

…YKW touches his heart, genuinely hurt. “STEVE. I… I’M CONFUSED.” He smiles, in disbelief. “I NEVER BELIEVED I’D FIND LOVE AGAIN AFTER MY ONE BILLION GIRLFRIENDS LEFT ME. I… I THOUGHT YOU’D BE HAPPY FOR ME.”

…Steve doesn’t want to hurt this man, but stays firm.

“Listen. I understand how it works at this point. You present a ridiculous scenario…”

“IS TRUE LOVE SO RIDICULOUS, STEVE? I JUST WANT WHAT YOU AND CLAUDETTE HAVE!”

…Steve glances backwards at Claudette.

Claudette’s delivering a VICIOUS middle finger to a Taiwanese business man she’s video-calling.

Steve shakes his head. “You describe some bizarre circumstance. I repeat it back to you skeptically. Then, you re-iterate it, followed by an elaborate musical number to emphasize the point.”

YKW, through his pained ters, humbly grins. “ELABORATE, EH? I APPRECIATE THE KIND REVIEW.”

“...But, genuinely, I don’t need a whole song-and-dance about how you’re… dating a cake.” Steve’s nose wrinkles. “Furtherm-”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” YKW doubles-over, slapping his knees!

He laughs so heartily and for so long, you might think his lungs’d run out of air!

“STEVE!” YKW finally squeezes in between bouts of delirious laughter. “ME DATING A CAKE? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME?”

…Steve’s met YKW half-a-dozen times… And still has no idea how to answer that question.

“I’M NOT DATING THIS CAKE, STEVE.”

…Steve nods, pleased that this man he constantly runs into wasn’t some… confection-fucker.

“W-w-well. Good. For a moment, there, I tho-”

“I’M DATING THE PICTURE OF THE WOMAN ON THE CAKE.”

…

Steve tilts his head to one side.

…

He shouldn’t ask.

…

He knows what’ll happen if he asks.

…

Steve exhales, defeated.

“...Sorry. But… You’re dating the picture of the woman on th-”

“I AM DATING THE PICTURE OF THE WOMAN ON THE CAKE.”



…

Steve… frowns!

“Listen, SIR.” Sayors says, fed up with this absurdity! Demanding, for once, a reasonable world around him!

“You’re telling me that you’re dating… an EDIBLE PHOTOGRAPH SHEET… ATOP A CAKE.”

“LOVE IS AN AGREEMENT TO ACCEPT EACH OTHER’S FAULTS, STEVE. KATHY LOVES ME EVENTHOUGH I CAN’T SPELL KINESIOLOGY. I LOVE KATHY EVENTHOUGH SHE’S A PICTURE ON A CAKE THAT I GOT FOR SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT OFF DUE TO FROSTING ERROR!”

“...She’s a LAYER OF SUGAR! Made to LOOK like a picture! Made to LOOK like a woman! She’s A MULTI-LAYER CAKE OF FANTASY!”

…YKW shakes his head. “DON’T SAY THAT, STEVE! KATHY MAY BE A DREAM… BUT SHE’LL NEVER HURT ME…” YKW sniffs. “UNLIKE MY ONE BILLION GIRLFRIENDS…”

…Steve swallows. So, that’s what this is about.

…

“Listen!” Steve declares! “I’ve got something to say! And I won’t be interrupted! Y-”

A cough.

Steve immediately sits in his chair subserviently.

…Beside him, a waiter.

“Uh… the lady back there ordered for you.”

…The waiter drops off a cheeseburger and a glass of water.

Then, walks away.

…

“Uh…” Steve stutters. “Where was I?”

YKW smiles! “THAT YOU WON’T BE INTERRUPTED, STEVE!”

…

Steve stands back up!

“Look! You can’t do this!” Steve shakes his head, refusing this fantasy-world of love with discounted-cake-women. “I get wanting to escape… I understand being afraid of being hurt… Maybe more than anyone else! I’M CONSTANTLY AFRAID of harm! Physical AND emotional!” Steve smacks the tabletop to emphasize his point!

…His hand immediately purples, bruised.

It takes every fiber of Sayors’ being not to suck on his hand like a toddler.

…But he perseveres!

“...Sir! You’re using this cake! Because you’re afraid of being hurt after losing your… one-billion girlfriends! But… this isn’t the way!” Steve shakes his head! “You can’t just pretend that a cake could substitute for something real!”

…

YKW…

Smiles.

“I DISAGREE, STEVE.”

“I’m telling you! There’s no way that cake can take anything’s place!”

“IF THAT’S WHAT YOU THINK…”

YKW stifles another laugh.

“TRY EATING YOUR FOOD.”

…Steve’s eyebrow arches curiously.

“W-what?”

“EAT YOUR MEAL, STEVE. BEFORE IT’S COLD.”

…Before Sayors’ face, steam rises off his bacon cheeseburger…

Steve shrugs. It’s been a while since he had a good meal…

(Plus, if he doesn’t eat what Claudette ordered for him, she might… stab him?)

He reaches forward…

Buns toasty, fresh from the oven… The aroma of beef, bacon and cheese, intoxicating.

Steve’s mouth kicks into overdrive, salivating.

“THAT’S RIGHT…”

Steve licks his lips…

He allows himself a bite.

…

Sayors’ face contorts into…

Confusion?

“Whaffe?” Steve says, his mouth full of…

…Cake?

“HAHA! ANGELFOOD CAKE, STEVE!” YKW pumps his fist triumphantly! “YOU JUST GOT CAKED!”

YKW spins around. “COME BACK OUT HERE, MIKEY!”

…

“Mikey?”

The waiter returns… With a receipt?



It’s SNL’s Mikey Day!

“And the Host of Netflix’s Is It Cake!”

“HAHA!” YKW wraps his arm around Steve’s shoulder. “YOU SAID CAKE COULDN’T SUBSTITUTE FOR A REAL THING, STEVE! THAT’S EGG ON YOUR FACE!”

“Egg like what goes in cakes!” Mikey adds, like he’s contributing something to this conversation.

…

Steve frowns, shrugging.

“I-I-I mean, neat trick.” Steve says, struggling to swallow the somewhat-dry angelfood cake. “But, that’s just one thing!”

…Steve coughs, trying to clear his airway…

He grasps the glass of water beside his cake-burger… He feels the weight of liquid shift in his hand. He hears the cubes clink inside…

He lifts the cool, refreshing drink to his lips…

…

His eyes widen.

“...WHAT?!?!” He reels back his head! “IT’S CAKE?!?!”

“HAHA! CAKED TWICE, STEVE! YOU’RE GETTING CREAMED!”

“Cream like what sometimes goes on cakes!” Chimes in Mikey Day!

Indeed. The water? The ice? The glass itself?

All cake. Convalescing into mush and frosting in Sayors’ shivering hands.

“STEVE!” YKW chortles openly, gleefully! “NOW, YOU *MUST* ADMIT A CAKE CAN BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CERTAIN THINGS!”

…Flustered, Steve stands up indignantly!

“I-I… I don’t have to admit anything!” Steve sweats. “I… I just want to pay my bill and leave!”

…

“More accurately, I want Claudette to pay my bill! THEN, leave!” Steve stomps!

“WELL, BRING HER THE BILL THEN, STEVE!” YKW giggles…

Steve reaches for the bill, eager to leave this awful sce-...

…

No.

No, no, no.

How could Steve not see it before?

The black licorice stitching. The white frosting texture.

…

The receipt? The pen? The after-dinner mint?

Cake.

It was cake all along.

The table Steve smacked?

...Sags to one side.

...A towering cake.

…

YKW’s laughter…

Getting louder.

…

Steve must escape.

Now!

He grabbed the knife beside his plate! And defensively, awkwardly, feebly slashed.

“G-g-get away from me!” Sayors cries, back-pedaling toward the exit.

“STEVE!” YKW smiles, as he raises his arms defensively. “I MEANT NO HARM! IT’S JUST TOO EASY PRANKING YOU! IN FACT, IT’S SO EASY, IT’S CAKE!”

“Cake like what cake is!” Mikey Day adds.

Every minute Mikey’s on television, he makes $24,000.

Steve retreats backwards to Claudette, his refuge. His saving grace.

“Claudette! I’m sorry!” Steve begs. “I know you wouldn’t want me speaking to you… at all. But, we HAVE to leave!”

Steve grabs Miss de Toilette’s arm.

…

It squishes inward…

Like a jenga tower. ‘Claudette’ topples.

Into a pile of pink buttercream frosting… and marble cake.

“HAHAHA!” YKW MANIACALLY LAUGHS, CLOSER AND CLOSER! “GET IT?!?  WEDDING CAKE, STEVE! NOW, WHO’S IN LOVE WITH A CAKE!?!”

In pure fear, Steve tries to run.


…But trips over a patch of frosting!

Sayors falls to the floor!

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Steve’s gripped with absolute terror! His eyes wrench back-and-forth, looking for something…

Anything…

…There!

…The knife!

Death’s sweet release!

Steve dives for the blade!

“HAHA! …HA?”

Sayors presses the blade against his own throat.

“WAIT! DON’T!” YKW’s smile fades… To a reassuring grin.

“D-d-don’t hurt me! No more cake!” Sayors begs!

“STEVE! I APOLOGIZE!” YKW’s eyes, fully sincere and apologetic. “WE WENT TOO FAR! DROP THE KNIFE!”

“My life’s over!” Steve weeps. “Claudette is cake!”

“SHE’S JUST OUTSIDE, STEVE! TWAS A JOKE!” YKW pleads, pleasantly. “NO MORE CAKE, I PROMISE!”

…

Steve drops the knife.

YKW breathes a sigh of relief.

“PHEW. THANKS, STEVE.”

In a flash, YKW helps Steve to his feet.

“C’MON! I’LL WALK YOU OUT TO YOUR LADY’S CHARIOT!”

…

YKW guides Steve toward the exit.

Steve winces, rubbing his throat.

He must’ve nicked his neck with the knife…

Sayors rubs the sore bit with his thumb.

…

He looks down.

…

His hand covered…

In red.

…

Red velvet.

***

HAHA.

WILLY WHISKEY.

BEATING YOU AT WEEKEND WARFARE.

WILL.

BE.

CAKE.