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King Kieran · (01-29-2023)

"Yo Cheyenne, you listening?

You might not have thought it given the song and dance I've made about everything, but for three weeks I've actually been speaking directly to you. Did you hear? No, no, no. That's not what I said. Did you LISTEN?

I figure you wouldn't have, so here I am on my supposed last day on Earth taking time to spell out my last bequeathing for you in the clearest terms that I can.

I've been getting my affairs in order. Right there on Twitter for everyone to see! That's what you asked for, isn't it? Aren't you getting everything you dreamed of? Isn't this exactly the fucking thing that should be moistening your loincloth or wicker-knickers or – what do witches wear? A robe? That's… underwhelming. Whatever. That gate to hell between your legs should frothing at the thought. Yet, still you find cause to moan about me. Well say my name, motherfucker. Three times in the mirror like I'm Bloody fucking Mary. You're coming for me? Haven't you seen? I am fucking RELENTLESS when I start coming for you.

I know it'll seems all fun and games on my end, but rest assured I have been taking this DEAD fucking serious.

…Get it? 'Dead'. 'Cause you're going to MURDER me?

…Get it version 2.0? 'Serious' while making a pun?

See… I can do both. I can take my lot in life, even as pertains to you, completely seriously all the while still finding things to laugh at. Because I'm a real human being who has a multifaceted personality. While you are– just what in the blue fuck are you? The aforementioned witch? A voodoo priestess? A satanic serial killer who gains eternal life after slaughtering devilishly handsome wrestlers for some reason or another? OOORRR - and hear me out here - maybe, just maybe, you're like every other 'dark and spooky piece of shit that's walked in the door of the XWF. You want me to do the list? You know I love to.

Raziel? Fuck him.
Cyren? Fuck him.
Darkhan? Fuck him.
Dynamic Dynamite? Fuck him.
Default? Fuck him.
Maximus? Fuck him.
Dark Shadow? Fuck him.
Famine of the Vile? Double fuck him.
Scott Charlotte? Fuck him.
Soul Bearer? Fuck him.
Ranma Saotome? Fuck him.
Dr. Emo? Fuck him.
The Engineer? Fuck him.
Kitten? Fuck her.
ALIAS? Fuck him.
Doc D'Ville? Fuck him.
The Baphomet? Fuck him.
Lycana? Fuck her.

Should I go on?

John Madison? Fuck him.
Unknown Soldier? Fuck him.
Morbid Angel? Fuck him.
Angelus? Fuck him.
Nightmare? Fuck him.
KnightMask? Fuck him.
TJ Raven? Fuck him.
The whole Black Order? Fuck them. Every incarnation.
The White Order? Fuck them too.
Weapon:Ashen? Fuck him.
Shane

himself? Fuck him!

I can do this all day!

Marf? Fuck him!
Spice One? Fuck him!

ALL. DAY.

Assholes like you are a dime a fucking dozen here in the XWF. I have that lens. I have that experience. You don't.

Oh, but you're special, right? You're different! Get fucked, no you're not. 'I've never faced anyone like you before.' Ugh - that's the sound of my eyes rolling. It's what they all say.

Some of those cunts I mentioned? They decapitated people on the reg. As in heads clean off their bodies. Some of them fucked literal dead bodies. Some of them decapitated motherfuckers then fucked THOSE dead bodies. The depths of depravity that the XWF has sunk to over time has dredged up the most vile, depraved sonsofbitches that have ever walked this horrid space rock, and I'm supposed to disregard my lived experience in dealing with those cocksuckers and be scared of YOU?

What have you done?

What do you even fucking do?

You're not even the best Halloween-inspired shithead on the Madness roster!

I'll be dealing with that particular issue in due time, but you? You're a fucking bottom feeder. And not in the 21st Century Woman, fun, ass-eating kind of way. You're fucking scum just trying to drag me down to your level, and that is not a metaphor for you being some sort of supernatural underworld being. It's a statement of goddamn fact. I was forged in the fires of this very place. I fucking AM this company's history; the dried up blood at the corner of its scabs; a beautiful reflection of its fucked up soul! Born and bred, baybay. You are NOTHING compared to that and you are NOTHING compared to me.

You want to criticise me for not putting in the work? Unlike you, Cheyenne, I have the fucking track record RIGHT HERE on the stage we're going to be dancing on to back up every single dulcet tone that fists its way into your ear hole. I've won the highest prize this company has to offer. I FOUGHT for that! I maintain that I am still owed a shot at it after FIGHTING through twenty damn competitors to EARN it. The fires you want to burn me with are the ones that I fucking lit. Meanwhile the only fire you were forged in was the dumpster fire of a cunt that you fell out of.

Here's the fun part, love: in case you hadn't noticed, I am EXTREMELY comfortable playing in the fucking mud. Those people I listed are MY PEOPLE. Those heinous acts? Not my cup of tea personally, but THAT is the world I'm coming from. And that experience is what's going to be behind the force with which I swing my foot up your Blair Bitch Project ass.

And that's what you're missing. You look at someone like me and you think that I'm actually a dime a dozen too.

You are a fucking idiot.

See there are people who talk the talk and there are people who walk the walk. And then there are people like YA BOY here who do it all.

In my first official match back after twelve years without one, I took the CURRENT Universal Champion to the brink for over 25 minutes! I've fought Legends and Kings, and I'm still standing. I've fought Avengers and Goats. I've been locked up with the key thrown away. I've been starved, beaten, and spat on. I've crawled through glass, leading nose first like I'm Hunter fucking Biden or something. I've survived five car wrecks, two stabbings, and four gunshots - and those were just the ones that hit. And yes, I've been burned too. If Steve Jason and Jem Williams hadn't already claimed it, I'd call myself 'Unkillable'. Instead I'll settle for clarifying that when I said I titty fucked Death, it was an understatement. I've blown my load on the reaper's face so many times that there are more lives dripping from her chin in the form of my unborn seed than the skeletal bitch has taken throughout the rest of human history.

Fuck Death!

I tots would fuck that version of her too.

Speaking of! You know, I see them likes and retweets coming in on Twitter from Death or whoever the fuck it is, and the rest of The Real Housewives of Salem you've got rallying for you. It's pretty sus if you ask me, but fuck it! If the entire shitty, all-female Universal Monsters reboot team wants to come party, then send the damn invites. Bring sexy Dr. Frankenstein; bring the Monster, Bride, and kid too. Bring The Mummy and The Invisible WOman (hopefully the Jessica Alba version, 'cause I'd call her 'mami'). The Wolf-Woman can come as long as she shaves her pits. Shit, expand the list of attendees. Let's make this the biggest gathering of half-wits Kiribati has ever seen! Bring Count Dracula; Count Chocula; the Count from Sesame Street. Oscar the Grouch! Fuck me, he lives in a trash can, he's not busy. Groucho Marx; Karl Marx. They're both dead, right? That's your shtick. Or is it? Fuck, I don't know. So mysterious! Karl Rove - is he dead yet? Dead on the inside counts, so bring him along! The Creature from the Black Lagoon; Swamp Thing; Man-Thing; THE Thing - both Marvel and John Carpenter versions. John Wayne Gacey; John Wayne; Wayne Gretsky; that bitch Gretchin who I used to sit behind in calculus whose dad got busted for running a ponzi scheme. All the terrible people, beings, characters, or entities you can think of - I want you to call 'em up and get their asses to Kiribati. Chances are I introduced a bunch of them to their better halves. It'l be a neat reunion. They can all get a first hand view of YA BOY setting fire not just to your physical body but to whatever bullshit mystique you and the rest of the Riverdale extras have unsuccessfully tried to craft for you.

Just who in the fuck do you think you are? What do you contribute to the world, period? This one or the next?

I'll tell you who I am: I'm the most naturally gifted athlete to ever step foot in the XWF; I'm a fucking magnet for the eyes and ears of the masses; and I'm the guy who is not just going to clear the extremely low bar that you've set for me, but FLY over it. And the bar is low. Really fucking low, Cheyenne. Literally all I need to do to flush your entire shtick down the shitter is take just ONE breath after the final bell tolls. That's what my message has been, Cheyenne. I gave you a fucking out! I gave you an opportunity to not be like all the others. But no, you had to go and throw out your vague threats and empty promises. You had to go and try your darnedest to play the 'mysterious' card and instead, you've said nothing of value. I'm the fucking reason anybody cares about this match! I'm the fucking reason that you're RELEVANT, even if just for a week. Congratulations, and you're welcome.

You said that I'm the most disrespectful man you've ever met. Well why should I respect you? What reason have you given me to do so? I saw a summary of your wrestling style, and under the weaknesses it said 'nobody has figured it out' or something to that effect. I guess I cracked the code! 'Cause all I needed to do was literally just play by the rules of a Triple Threst and pin your ass CLEAN in the middle of the ring. And then afterwards you have the fucking gall to say that I don't have respect for you? How can I respect a moron who used 'I wasn't ready' as an excuse instead of just owning that I got the better of her? Where in that is your respect for ME? Non-existent, is where. And that’s actually fine by me. I'm not about to start throwing out DEATH THREATS over it. Fuck you and grow up. You're so pathetic you can't handle a fucking loss. The question to ask now is, what're you going to do with all that blood-lust?

I'd suggest that you turn it on yourself, and that I hope you get ass cancer, but honestly?

I just don't care that much about you.

You're a fucking side quest.

After I knock you down, I'll collect my gold and XP and in just two months I won't ever think of you again. And nor will anybody else.

#RIPYABOY?

Nah, fam.

#RIPYOURRELEVANCY."

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Kieran King in: That Time I TOTALLY ACTUALLY DEFINITEL LEGITIMATELY PROBABLY DIED
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