FROM THE DUNKIN' DONUTS CENTER IN PROVIDENCE, RHODE ISLAND!
SARAH LACKLAN PLUMP PIGEON TOURNAMENT - S BLOCK
CALVARY
VITA VALENTEEN
BARNEY GREEN
GENERIC HEEL
RUBY
TOMMY WISH
CALVARY
N/A
VITA VALENTEEN
N/A
BARNEY GREEN
N/A
GENERIC HEEL
N/A
RUBY
N/A
TOMMY WISH
N/A
EACH SHOW WILL HAVE THREE MATCHES FROM EACH BLOCK UNTIL ALL PAIRINGS HAVE BEEN MADE. TALLIES WILL BE UPDATED IN THE GRID AS WE ADVANCE.
FOR THIS SHOW:
CALVARY - vs - VITA VALENTEEN
BARNEY GREEN - vs - GENERIC HEEL
RUBY - vs - TOMMY WISH
SARAH LACKLAN PLUMP PIGEON TOURNAMENT - L BLOCK
LORD RAAB
CENTURION
JASON CASHE
HGH
BOOTS LICHTER
DOLLY WATERS
LORD RAAB
N/A
CENTURION
N/A
JASON CASHE
N/A
HGH
N/A
BOOTS LICHTER
N/A
DOLLY WATERS
N/A
EACH SHOW WILL HAVE THREE MATCHES FROM EACH BLOCK UNTIL ALL PAIRINGS HAVE BEEN MADE. TALLIES WILL BE UPDATED IN THE GRID AS WE ADVANCE.
FOR THIS SHOW:
LORD RAAB - vs - CENTURION
HGH - vs - JASON CASHE
BOOTS LICHTER- vs - DOLLY WATERS
BEGINNER'S LUCK BRAWL
"La Reina" Daniela Raye-Weathers
- vs -
Lloyd Armani
- vs -
"Good Time" Stevie McKeown Triple Threat
The winner will get an Anarchy Championship match NEXT ANARCHY!!
Referee: Ari Silverstein
PYRO HITS!
Fireworks screech through the arena and burst like bombs above the rafters as the capacity crowd launches into thunderous applause.
Cambot drones circle the stand and zero in on several fans holding up signs…
EYES!
ON!
ELIJAH MARTIN!
(he’s sexy)
VITA
CAN’T
WRESTLE
CENTURION IS
MY
GREAT
GREAT
GREAT
GRANDFATHER
And eventually they find their way over to where “Loverboy” Vinnie Lane and Bama T. sit at their announce positions, with the adorable Sassafras wagging his tail on the table.
Vinnie Lane: “FOLKS! It’s time for… wait… oh come on, not this again!”
EYES
ON
ANARCHY!
The lights in the Dunkin’ Donut Center turn down and a red spotlight shines down at the entrance ramp. In a blaze of flaming glitter to blind every Rhode Islander in the building, the Commissioner steps out from the curtain to start the show. With microphone in her hand, Billion $$$ Smile on her face, and dress worth more than the next building Centurion buys his daughter for her next business to fail, the show begins.
Sarah:My name is Sarah Lacklan-
Crowd: *mimics trumpet fanfare fit for the Queen*
Sarah: -YOUR Anarchy Commissioner! And I’m here today to introduce to you THE most important tournament there has EVER been in the HISTORY of professional wrestling…and…well…whatever it is that happens here on Mondays that, like, six people accidentally watch because they left the TV on after falling asleep watching that old Bob Ross show…
Sarah gestures behind her to the VinniefredJocelynLaneTron flares to life to show:
A massive pigeon shows upon the Tron and Sarah’s smile beams so proudly that half of the audience at home howl in pain from the sudden shock of light. She turns back to the crowd.
Sarah: I have chosen…well…I can’t say twelve…because Vinnie somehow snuck a few goobers into the field…and I certainly can’t say “all” because there’s a body or two missing…but…well…I have gathered kinda-sorta the elite of Anarchy history for this tournament. Now, I’m well aware that SOME people don’t understand how tournaments work, #ShowTheBrackets, so I wanted to take a moment to make it clear to everyone: Two blocks! Each group of six has to beat the snot out of each other…none of this “a shitty as flame team caught the Apex napping and wound up in the Finals” nonsense like we’ve seen on OTHER brands of the XWF…with the most points scored putting them into the prime spot. You get two points for a win, one point for a draw, and a whole buncha nothing for a loss. Now, I don’t care HOW you get that W, just get it! And the winner of each bracket? They’ll go on to fight one another at…well…somewhere…to become the winner of the inaugural Plump Pigeon Tournament, #Sar1Classic. Now, what do they win?
She smiles broadly.
Sarah: A BUNCH of stuff. Some stuff you’ll know right out the gate…like a guaranteed Anarchy Title match at a future Pay-Per-View event…and a few other things which will be hidden until the end…but are absolutely as important and memorable as that title match! Now, I’ll get out of the way so that we can have the first of tonight’s six tournament matchups. I haven’t bothered looking at the rundown…hopefully it’s not Zombieturion beating up some janitor in a snoozer to start…but I’m sure it will be fun, fun, fun before it’s all done!
Sarah turns to go but stops suddenly and looks into the closest camera.
Sarah: Oh! And! Paging Vita Valenteen!
Her smiling face falls into a stern grimace.
Sarah:My office. Now
She smiles again before heading to the back.
Sarah: kthanksbye!
Sarah leaves and the cambots once again focus on a clearly irritated Vinnie.
Vinnie Lane: “Sure, just use up all my intro time. Cool. WATCH THE SHOW, FOLKS!”
Deep within the bowels of the *INSERT LATEST DUMB ANARCHY LOCATION HERE* rests the migrating office of the Anarchy Commissioner, Sarah Lacklan. The Firestarter sits at her desk, idly petting the feathers of a particularly fat pigeon, while reading from a notepad with her thickly bespeckled eyes. She sighs as she turns away from the paper...and then sighs again at the sight of the pigeon sitting on her desk.
Sarah: Oh, Va’Shin-Ay. It really IS my fault that you've gotten so plump and pudgy. You used to be the meanest pigeon from the nests of Los Angeles there ever was! You literally murdered that dumb Hootie the Owl! But ever since I started taking time away from wrestling and focusing on the Ga(y)la Foundation, I've spent too much time feeding you my Thicc Boi pigeon feed and now-
*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK*
Sarah starts at the knocking at her door.
Sarah: Yes?
The door of the office creaks open and a pale-faced brunette peeks her head through the door, her body staying out in the hall. Her eyes peer around left and right, as if expecting an attack or trick, but only finding the Commish sitting at her desk with the namesake of the tournament.
Sarah: Vita! Oh em gee, it's been an age! Come in, come in!
Vita Valenteen cautiously enters the room, making sure to keep the door open for a hasty exist if need be.
Vita: You wanted to see me OOF!
Vita's voice cuts off in surprise after Sarah becomes a red-and-black blur who rushes forward and swallows her in a bear hug. Vita's defenses immediately kick in, her arms looking to hook into Sarah's to fight out of the hug, but she...shockingly...realizes that this isn't an attack. It's actually a hug.
Sarah Lacklan, long-time rival of the most hated flavor, was giving her a hug.
Sarah: It's so GOOD to SEE you! What have you been-
Sarah cuts off as she comes out of the hug and looks at Vita, their eyes meeting in this moment of intimacy at an even level, with their heights being the exact same. Sarah's sharp face turns downward, her angled features showing concern.
Sarah: You look terrible, dearie. Are you eating okay? Sleeping well?
Vita's face, previously still full of shock over this surprising scene, flattens at both the critique and the "big sister" tone of the Commissioner's voice. She lightly pushes Sarah away to end the hug, but she keeps the close distance.
Vita: I'm a vampire now, Lacklan.
Sarah rolls her eyes.
Sarah: Uh huh. Unless you're cosplaying as 16-year-old me, you're being super silly. Like, totes supes, as my BABY sister would say.
Vita narrows her eyes.
Vita: No, seriously. Like, literal vampire. I've said so a billion times in my promos!
Sarah's face turns blank.
Sarah: Your what?
Vita: My promos! All over the place! I KNOW you watch my promos, Lacklan!
Sarah shakes her head as she begins to chew the side of her lips, a known tell that she was trying to puzzle something out.
Sarah: Promos...promos...I'm not sure I know what those are...
Vita sputters a few times, clueless as to what Sarah was having trouble with, but then she closes her eyes and breathes out a sigh.
Vita:...my promotional videos. I've brought it up in my promotional videos.
Sarah's face breaks into a wide smile.
Sarah: OH! NOW I know what you're talking about!
She gives a dismissive wave.
Sarah: Silly, that.
Vita sighs when she opens her eyes again.
Vita: Lacklan, what is this? Don't we hate each other, or something?
Sarah giggles.
Sarah: That's all water under the helicopter, dearie.
Vita scowls, but Sarah continues on.
Sarah: N-E-Ways, I just wanted to talk to you a bit about my tournament! Your totes my pick to win this whole thing, which is why I made sure to personally invite you.
She reaches up and takes Vita by the shoulders, gives her a little shake, then leans in further so that their noses are almost touching.
Sarah: Focus.
Their eyes stay locked onto one another in an intense moment as that word hangs in the air between them. Focus. Something Vita never seemed to have...and Sarah always did. After a few seconds, Vita nods.
Vita: Focus.
Sarah's face breaks into her Billion $$$ Smile...temporarily blinding Vita and making her instinctually wish to run from the blazing sun...and then spins Vita around. Her arm swings back and-
SMACK!
Vita squawks in surprise as Sarah swats her on the ass.
Sarah: Now go out there and beat up that #HotBoi I set you up with. Give him hell!
Vita can only laugh as she reaches for the door, her left buttcheek smarting from the friendly and competitive "Good Game!" showing, but stops as Sarah speaks again.
Sarah: Oh, hey! Vita?
Vita turns around to see Sarah back at her desk and lightly petting the obese pigeon on her desk.
Vita: Yeah?
Sarah: Two things: One...call me Sar. And two...Genevive didn't return after she dropped off that invite at your place. Did she look okay when she left? My baby girls always head straight home to the Egg after they do what Mommy asks them, ya know?
Vita's eyes go a little wide as she puzzles out who "Genevive" was: The plump pigeon she feasted upon. Between the memory of that pigeon...and the one in front of her on the desk...her stomach began to rumble.
Vita: Oh wow, would you LOOK at that time! Gotta go fight Cal! See ya, Sar!
Calvary
- vs -
Vita Valenteen
Vinnie Lane: “Let me just make sure the patented device which hinders super powers is dialed up here… good, good… now we’ll just adjust the lighting to make sure there’s no UV, as per Vita’s new contract… got it! We’re all set!”
As the opening riff of "Bloody Tear" tore through the arena the crowd jumped to their feet! Vita makes her way down to the ring, slapping hands with her fans along the way. Vita then slides into the ring and postures for the crowd as her music dies down.
As the music kicks up, The Calvary can be spotted in the corner of the arena with his chest puffed out. He flies down to the ring before slowly descending onto a turnbuckle where he gives out a mighty bellow. He pounds his chest before stepping down into the ring and cracking his knuckles.
DING! DING! DING!!!
Calvary begins the match by stepping right to the center of the ring and reaching out a hand to Vita. Valenteen looks uncertain and looks both directions to the crowd in attendance for advice… and the crowd loudly boos, indicating she should NOT trust Calvary. So, of course, she 100% does reach out her hand for a shake. Shockingly, Calvary does not take advantage with a cheap shot and simply shakes Vita’s hand and then backs up, lifting his arms slightly looking for a lockup.
Valenteen locks up, and immediately switches to a rear waist lock. Catching Calvary off guard, she quickly leaps onto his shoulders and executes a victory roll! Calvary’s shoulders are down!
1!
2!!
Calvary kicks out!
Calvary turns to face Vita and charges her with a clothesline, but Valenteen evades and hooks her legs around Calvary’s arms in a crucifix, dragging him down yet again for another pinfall!
1!
2!!
Calvary kicks out again!
Bama: “A crucifix from a vampire? That don’t make no sense…”
Vinnie Lane: “Vita is really catching Calvary off guard here, he must have expected the same shrinking violet he met before!”
As the two stand up, Calvary catches Vita with a huge big boot to the face that knocks her silly. Calvary pulls her up by the hair and then sends her right back down to the mat with a short-arm clothesline, then drops an elbow across her chest.
Calvary admires his work as Vita clutches her clavicle and coughs, then he heads to the top rope in one graceful motion and waits for her to get to her feet… THE FALL OF MAN!!! Calvary hops onto the second rope and springboards off, nailing Valenteen with a stunner that pops hr up in the air like a cork and lays her out!
Calvary with a cover!
1!
2!!
Vita’s shoulder gets up in time!
Vinnie Lane: “Big move from Calvary but Vita Valenteen survives!”
Bama: “That woulda had most people down for the count, you sure you got that anti-superduper machine on all the way?”
Vinnie Lane: “It’s on eleven.”
Bama: “Eleven? It ain’t one to ten?”
Vinnie Lane: “This one goes to eleven.”
Valenteen stumbles into a corner and Calvary lines her up… SPEAR!!! But Vita steps out of the way and Calvary eats the ring post, flying in between the lower two turnbuckles!
Calvary staggers backward and Vita once again hops up onto his shoulders from behind… POISONED HURRICANRANA!!!
Calvary gets planted right on his head and Vita folds him up for a cover!
1!
2!!
Kickout once again by Calvary!
Vinnie Lane: “Calvary is just so strong, so durable, the man can take a beating!”
Bama: “Apparently Vita Valenteen can as well!”
Once more the two stand up, and this time Vita misses with a lariat… Calvary locks on a sleeper! He tries to lift Vita up for a slam but she kicks and wiggles until she’s back on her feet… and then she sinks her teeth into Calvary’s arm!
Bama: “DID CALVARY JUST GET BIT BY A DAMN VAMPIRE!?”
Vinnie Lane: “Oh, dude, what does this mean? Did she get through Cal’s super skin? If she did, does his super blood give Vita super powers??? Or does Calvary turn into a SUPER VAMPIRE???”
Bama picks up Sassafras and starts to leave.
Bama: “I gotta go, Vinnie, I got, uh… stuff. At home. Like lots of wooden stakes and garlic.”
Vinnie Lane: “Sit down, Bama!”
Calvary looks at his arm shocked, and then he leaps for a superman punch!
VITA EVADES AND SPINS CALVARY INTO AN OCTOPUS HOLD!!!
Calvary struggles to get free but he’s stranded right in the center of the ring… eventually, he nods in agreement when the official asks if he submits! This one’s all over!
Vinnie Lane: “I can’t believe it! Vita Valenteen gets a submission victory here tonight over Calvary! WOW!”
Bama: “Simply incredible. You never know what’s gonna happen on Anarchy!”
The final bell has rung, but Calvary rises to his feet. He flies over the top rope and lands on the floor below. He reaches underneath the ring and pulls out what appears to be a large gift.
He rises once more into the air before landing on his feet in the center of the ring across from Vita. He grabs a microphone.
"Vita. As a token of my gratitude of our excellent bout, I am giving you something that I think you will find useful. Once I returned to the XWF and saw your status, I knew I had to return to Drexphar to retrieve it for you."
He sets the large box down in the center of the ring.
"Please open it."
Vita looks at him skeptically for a moment as she moves around the gift.
"I assure you, this is not a trap."
Vita takes a step forward and removes the paper and pulls out a potted plant although the coloration is out of this world. It's a vibrant blue and green with golden polyps growing from the center of it. The leafage even seems alien.
Calvary takes a step forward and grabs one of the leaves and snaps it in his fingers. As he does the leaf doesn't crumple.
It bleeds.
Blood begins pouring from the leaf as the eyes of Vita grow wide looking at the blood gushing from the leaf.
"It bleeds for you, Vita. Thank you for an excellent match. Enjoy."
The Calvary steps out of the ring and calmly walks up the ramp and to the exit, leaving Vita Valenteen alone in the ring with a bleeding plant.
Barney Green
- vs -
THE Generic Heel
We cut back to the ring and-
Holy-
Holy crap-
Is that-
It can’t-
We can’t afford-
But-
YES, IT IS
Michael Buffer: “Are you ready?”
The crowd cheers.
Michael Buffer: “I said…are you reeeeeady?”
The crowd REALLY cheers this time.
Michael Buffer: “Then…to the thousands in attendance at the Dunkin’ Donuts Center…and the millions watching at home…”
…deep breath…
Michael Buffer: “lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllET’S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!”
The crowd LOSES it this time.
Michael Buffer: “The following match is between two competitors in the S Block of the Plump Pigeon Tournament. Introducing first to my right, already standing in the ring…which, quite frankly, doesn’t bode well for his chances in this match from a historical sense…Barneeeeyyyyy GREEEeeeen!”
Barney raises his arms in the air to a few cheers from a smattering of hardcore fans.
Michael Buffer: “And introducing second…”
“baaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
Two rows of scantically clad women line the sides of the aisle, each more slutty than the last, raising their arms as they sing in unison.
Out from the curtain walks the Generic Heel, clad in a generic blue robe, with two more smokin’ hawt skanks on his arms.
Michael Buffer: “...hailing from Parts Unknown…”
The Great GH saunters down the aisle, taking a moment to give winks underneath his mask at his choir of skanks as he passes, causing them to moan and groan within their song.
Michael Buffer: “...and weighing in at a trim, fit, lean two hundred and forty pounds…”
GH the Great stops for a moment so that he can swivel his hips. The skanks on his arms hold their free hands to their mouths and giggle while looking at one another.
Michael Buffer: “...with a career spanning over 27 years…with nearly 50 recognized World Championships…and a staggering record of uncountable victories and ZERO losses…”
As he and his entourage approach the ring, several members of the choir…while still singing…rush forward to create a set of steps with their bodies.
Michael Buffer: “...and now with a wrestling training school which is churning out future legends, people who owe everything to this great man, who recognize that they have learned all of their knowledge and sharpened their skills from his forge, small-time-but-future-hall-of-famers like Johnny Bonecrusher…”
He has to pause halfway up the human stairs to catch his breath, but GH eventually makes it into the ring.
Michael Buffer: “...he is the Master of the Piledriver…the inventor of the Body Slam…he is….THE GENERIIIIIIIIIIC-”
GH sticks his rear backwards.
Michael Buffer: “-HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLL!”
GH thrusts his crotch forward as fireworks go off, ticker tape explodes front the turnbuckle, and the crowd chants as one:
Crowd: YOU ARE OUR GOD *clap clap clap-clap-clap*
Crowd: YOU ARE OUR GOD *clap clap clap-clap-clap*
Crowd: YOU ARE OUR GOD *clap clap clap-clap-clap*
Crowd: YOU ARE OUR GOD *clap clap clap-clap-clap*
Anarchy has to go through two commercial breaks, but eventually the fervor dies down.
DING! DING! DING!
Barney stands in the center of the ring, motionless, staring at his opponent. GH walks slowly towards him, his chest pushed outward, until they stand almost nose-to-nose, with Barney having a height advantage. Moments pass as the two stare at one another, with Barney motionless and GH shaking his head a little and mouthing words to him from underneath his mask. The tension builds as this irresistible force meets this immovable object. Still, the tension builds, with GH shaking more and more. Finally, Barney moves with a sudden quickness and
SHOVE!
Two arms push GH backward. The masked man looks around him, surprised by the push from the behemoth. He then rushes forward and shoves Barney back, though the Master of the Green Dream gets his arms up and blocks the majority of the offensive move. He then comes in for a big right hand, but GH blocks it and tags him with one of his own! A second punch! Left hand holding the face and BLAM! A third right hand from Generic Heel rocks Barney! The Great GH then reaches down, hooking Barney underneath the inside leg and at the shoulder, and hoists him up for a Generic Body Slam!
But he only gets one leg up! Back to standing and
CRUSH!
Barney lands on top of GH and keeps him down with a lateral press! The referee slides into position and counts GH’s shoulders down after that powerful counter.
1!
2!!
Shoulder BARELY up!
Even though the shoulder was COMPLETELY blocked by Barney’s girth and there’s NO WAY the ref could have seen GH get it up, the ref counts it as two and confirms it for the time keeper. On his knees, Barney also holds up two fingers, though in confusion, disbelieving that GH could possibly sneak out from underneath him. Barney thinks he had it won, thinks he had the three, but the referee is adamant in his confirmation. Meanwhile, GH is crawling away from Barney, using the time to try to get to his feet. Holding his back, a lower lumbar area seemingly strained and hurt by going for the Generic Body Slam so early into the match, GH gets to one knee. But-
BOOT!
A powerful boot between the shoulderblades from Barney sends him back to the canvas. GH tries to get to his feet, but the strike to the back has slowed him down. Impatient, Barney grabs him by the shoulders, picks him up, and locks him into a front facelock. But just as we wonder if he’s going to adjust his hands to transition into a Swedish cravate, he instead simply brings up his right arm and brings it DOWN onto GH’s back. The Sexiest Man Alive falls to his knees in pain, then on down to the mat with his face, while Barney taunts him, telling him to get to his feet. GH slowly gets there, slowly pushes himself up, but Barney grabs him by the arm, perhaps looking for an Irish Whip, but instead brings his arm up wide again and-
CLOBBER!
Another massive strike to GH’s back again sends the masked man to his knees, screaming in pain. Barney’s forearm shots are starting to make this match look easy, perhaps bringing to question the idea that Generic Heel psyched himself out in all of the pageantry of his entrance. Getting back to one knee, and then his feet, GH is again driven down by a massive Barney Forearm Strike to the back, but only to one knee. But the crafty hardcore legend that is Barney isn’t going to let the opportunity go by, and he grabs GH by the mask, places his face on his knee as he lifts it up, and then drives them both down, smashing GH’s face into his knee and forcing him back down to the ground with a vicious kneelift. Barney doesn’t rest, though, and pulls GH to his feet, hoists him up, and-
BODY SLAM!
With authority, GH is driven down onto his injured back with the very move which caused him so much pain to start with. The ease which Barney did it with is beyond scary, and the legend motions for GH to hurry up and get to his feet…but then ANOTHER body slam sends him down. GH flips onto his stomach, his wrestler’s instincts forcing him to stay out of a pinning predicament, but Barney then simply steps onto his back and walks over him, forcing his massive weight to the injured spine. GH tries to crawl away while Barney taunts the crowd, but he doesn’t get far before he is picked up from behind and pulled to his feet by his tights. Next to the ropes, Barney uses them for momentum and flings GH across the ring, forcing him into a far turnbuckle. GH has enough awareness to turn his body around before impact, his arms and sides absorbing the impact. The referee warns Barney to stay out of the corner, but he doesn’t listen, instead taking GH by the arm and whipping him all the way to the other side and slam him into another corner. GH falls to his knees as Barney walks over, but he’s pulled up to a standing position by his opponent before-
SHOULDER BLOCK!
Barney slams his shoulder into GH, squashing him in the corner, damaging both his chest and his back in the process. A second shoulder block is followed by Barney turning around, pressing his back into GH’s face, and then a hip attack straight into GH’s midsection. The damage continues to come in, GH’s entire torso being battered by the clubs and blunt shots from Barney’s crushing attack. Barney then slowly turns, grabs GH by both sides of the mask, leans back, and-
HEADBUTT!
The impact sends GH even further into the turnbuckle, his hands immediately coming to his face in protection, but it seems to be for no avail. Barney takes both hands and chokes him, holding him in place while the referee counts in futility, and then comes into for another massive headbutt.
DODGE!
Barney’s head slams into the turnbuckle as GH drops down underneath and then crawls underneath his legs, finally getting a small reprieve. As Barney groggily turns around, GH gets to his feet and shakes his body, trying to get adrenaline pumping for some kind of comeback before it’s too late. The masked man lays in a Generic Right Punch! And another one! He runs backward and hits the ropes, coming back with a THIRD Generic Right Punch, which rocks Barney! But the big man still won’t go down, so Generic Heel again goes to the ropes, looking for even more power, this time leaping into the air a little bit and connecting with a flat elbow to the face. Barney is staggered! GH takes advantage, looking to continue his best offensive flurry yet, with a-
CHOP!
CHOP!
CHOP!
Three chops in the corner has Barney blinded with pain. GH grabs him by his oily hair and slams his face into the turnbuckle. And again! And again! Rapid fire all the way to 10! Barney is dazed with a strange look in his eyes as the crowd cheers for this Generic Comeback. GH goes to the other corner and runs at his dazed adversary, his arm out for another clubbing forearm, and-
BIG BOOT!
Barney takes GH down with a reactionary big boot in the corner, his body pulling down the ropes to give him enough height to get to GH’s head. The masked man falls to his back after running straight into that size 22/24 boot, and Barney is back on the attack. He picks up GH, gives him a massive chop, and then-
BEAR HUG!
Barney keeps the bearhug locked in tight as the referee continually asks Generic Heel if he would give it up, if he will give up and lose his very first match ever in a 30+ year career. GH tries to ram his right hand into Barney’s head to break the move, but Barney swings him left and right, sinching in the hold even tighter, making it hard and painful to breathe. GH tries to get the crowd behind him, but he fades as Barney shows his strength. The referee holds up his hand and lets it go. It falls! A second time…and another fall! Just one more time and-
THE HAND STAYS UP!
Generic Heel keeps his hand high in the air, but he needs to break the hold. He shakes, trying to get that blood and adrenaline pumping, pulls back and BLAM! Generic Punch to the ear! A second one! A third! Over and again, GH opens this flurry of punches on Barney, only getting the Green Man to release the energy-sapping bear hug after a staggering fifteen unanswered punches. Barney is dazed, blinking in pain and sweat, and Generic Heel runs against the ropes and comes back, head full of steam, and SLAMS into Barney with a body block. Barney stays on his feet, but is clearly stunned by the series of attacks. Again, Generic Heel hits the ropes, looking for a big running strike, and BOOM, a shoulder block that pushes Barney back a few steps, his back now against the ropes. A third run and-
CHOP!
A knife-edge chop sends GH down to the mat, the countermove from Barney slow but effective. Barney shakes his head in an attempt to clear the cobwebs from the attack, and pulls GH to his feet, likely looking for a way to finish off the Great GH and earn two points in the Plump Pigeon Tournament. He sends his opponent into the ropes and sends a flat boot straight into his stomach. But since the kick was low, instead of knocking GH down to the mat, the powerful blow sends him backwards, falling through the top and middle ropes and to the outside.
Barney goes right after GH, not satisfied with the idea of winning by countout, not in 2022. Once outside, Barney picks up GH and slaps him with a flat chop so hard that it sends sweat flying and pushes him into the ring post. Barney then takes him by the scruff of his neck, reaches back, and drives his head forward for a headbutt-
DODGED!
GH drops down and pulls on Barney’s clothes, pulling him forward and smashing his head into the ring post! The headbutt to the post dazes Barney and GH crawls away, getting some space. Back up to his feet, GH takes the chance to remove one of the pads on the floor and expose the cement floor underneath. Nodding to himself, GH grabs the dazed Barney and pulls him to the cement floor, bending him over and placing his head between his legs. He’s going for the Generic Piledriver! ON THE CEMENT! HE-
BACKDROP!
Barney stands up and takes GH up and over, sending him to the floor, though GH was able to angle his body so that only a small part landed on the cement, likely saving himself from the career-ending injury that he himself was trying to give to his opponent. Recovering, Barney pulls the unsportsmanlike GH to his feet and rolls him into the ring, hoping to finish this once and for all. Barney rolls under the ropes and pulls GH to his feet, takes his arm, and whips him into the ropes. He lifts that heavy leg as GH comes back, looking to connect with his big boot to the head this time, but GH ducks! The confused Barney turns around and eats another big clubbing forearm, which sends him to the ground!
GENERIC UP!
GH shakes his head and pounds the mat, trying hard to get his adrenaline pumping. As he does so, Barney gets to his knees, then his feet, his eyes glazed over from that vicious forearm clothesline. He stumbles forward and-
GENERIC BODY SLAM!
He got all of it, this time! In one scoop, GH is able to turn Barney up and over and slam him to the mat! Generic Heel hits the ropes, leaps into the air, and-
GENERIC LEG DROP!
His leg crashes down atop Barney’s chest and face. He makes the cover!
1!
He reaches over to the far leg.
2!!
He barely hooks it.
3!!!
Bama: “IT’S OVER! UNBELIEVABLE! I NEVER THOUGHT IT COULD BE DONE, VINNIE!”
Winner by Pinfall - The Generic Heel
Vinnie Lane: “Bama, hold on, there’s some sort of commotion…”
At the entrance ramp, a cameraman flies off the aisle and goes crashing down through a table full of AV equipment, sending up a sea of sparks into the air.
A gaffer gets booted in the chest by a massive foot from behind the curtain, sending him sprawling into the chest of a boom mic operator - and they both fall off the stage!
IT’S BIG MONEY OSWALD!
Big Money bursts through the entrance and runs down to the ring just as Generic Heel was hopping down to the floor, and Ozzy doesn’t hesitate for even a moment before scooping him up onto his shoulders and sending him careening into the stairs with a vicious F-5!
Heel is out like a candle in the wind, and Oswald doesn’t even slow down his pace as he slides into the ring and helps Barney up to his feet… AND THEN HE ATTACKS HIM!!!
Big Money grabs Barney by the FACE!
Holy CRAP, Barney’s empty eye socket goes bloody and his body starts to quiver as Big Money holds him up in the air, his feet kicking and dangling a full foot off of the mat!
Oswald then lifts Barney up by the head and sends him crashing down to the canvas in a massive modified double-handed clawhold slam! Barney is OUT! Medics immediately swarm the ring as Oswald gestures toward a ring tech for a microphone…
"It looks like one of your Plump Pigeon competitors can’t make it next time… so PUT ME IN!!"
Oswald throws the mic down and leaves the ring, sneering at Generic Heel as he passes by him before heading up the ramps alongside all of the wreckage he’s caused.
Ruby
- vs -
Tommy Wish
Vinnie Lane: "Alright dudes! We’re back for another matchup in the Sara Lacklan Round Pigeon Tournament"
Bama: "Dang, baby, you ain't wrong!"
Vinnie Lane: "That sounded like some sort of prompt response."
Bama: "Dang, baby, you ain't wrong!"
Vinnie grabs Bama’s shoulder and shakes him a bit,
Bama: "That’s right, Vinnie baby! Ruby and Tommy Wish! Two competitors that a very familiar with one another in the ring."
Vinnie Lane: "That’s more like it… and they’re two competitors who have to be considered favorites to win the whole tournament."
Bama: "One of them is gonna’ be well on their way to doing just that after this match."
Ruby hits the entrance way and waves at the fans while Bama, as he usually does, begins gyrating to her music.
Bama: "It’s the crown jewel of Anarchy, baby!"
Ruby walks to the ring.
Vinnie Lane: "And here comes her opponent. One half of the THUGS, Tommy Wish."
The lights start flickering in the arena, and we see smoke blowing out from the stage, and we see Tommy coming out in a light jacket with the hoodie on his head. He then comes out, and he does some shadow boxing on the stage. Then he walks down to the ramp, and he looks at the fans and gives them all a fist bump as he's walking down. Then he slides into the ring, and stands in the middle of the ring poses to the crowd as his theme fades off.
Tommy and Ruby begin to circle one another in the ring as the bell sounds. Ruby is smaller and shiftier, she slides on her knees to avoid a grapple attempt, and goes to dragonscrew Tommy down to the mat. But Tommy shifts and uses his weight and strength advantage. He turns and scoops Ruby up, shooting her back down to the mat with force before mounting the masked warrior and striking her in the face repeatedly. Quickly, the match has turned in Tommy’s favor who is now lying down on the mat next to Ruby, his arms wrapped tight around her throat while he locks in a textbook sleeper hold. Ruby’s arms are swinging around, then grasping at Tommy’s forearms trying to get separation, but it’s no use.
Vinnie Lane: "Bama, it looks like Tommy has taken full control here in the early going.."
Bama: "Dang, baby, you ain't wrong!"
Vinnie shakes Bama again,
Bama: "Dang, baby, Ruby is fading!"
The ref runs over and grabs Ruby’s arm as she appears to be lifeless in the center of the mat, and not able to reach the ropes.
The arm falls once!
The arm falls twice!!
The arm falls JUST SHORT OF THE MAT!!!
Ruby finds a second wind as the crowd starts clapping for her to break the hold, but Tommy only wrenches on the hold tighter. Her lifted arm fades back down.
Bama: "WISH I MAY! WISH I MIGHT BABY!"
Vinnie Lane: "You can say that again, Bama!"
The ref grabs for Ruby’s arm again.
The arm falls once!
The arm falls twice!!
The arm falls JUST SHORT OF THE MAT AGAIN!!!
Once more the crowd is willing Ruby to life, but Tommy still has the sleeper hold locked in to perfection. Ruby starts kicking her feet violently, to the point that one of her boots flies off. Tommy’s eyes bulge from his head, and something else appears to be bulging below.
Tommy lets go of the sleeper and stalks his way to Ruby’s bare foot while she lies on the mat still, gasping for air. Tommy grabs ahold of the foot, and regards it with the deepest, sickest of spots of his mind and fantasies. He brings the foot up to his nose, and gives it a good whiff. But Ruby kicks Tommy right in the face, busting his nose open. Tommy falls back towards the ropes, but recovers quickly, as he sees Ruby running toward him, he springboards from the ropes and turns for a dropkick. But Ruby rolls underneath the attack.
As he falls to the mat, and pops back to his feet, Ruby is already running from the ropes and leaps in the air with a front dropkick!
BUT TOMMY CATCHES HER WITH A J-BOMB!
HE COVERS RUBY!
1!
2!!
KICKOUT!
Tommy seems unphased by the lack of victory there, and is instead still focused on that pale and creamy skin of Ruby’s bootless foot.
He picks her foot up again, examining it, caressing it, before flipping Ruby onto her stomach as he clutches the foot for the Fetish Lock!
But Ruby’s other leg catches balance, as she flips with one leg behind held by Tommy, she spins and catches him in the head with a perfect enziguri!
Tommy crumbles to the mat.
Bama: "OH BABY!"
Vinnie Lane: "I think Tommy is about to get all of Ruby’s foot that he wants!"
Ruby scales the ropes and dives off towards Tommy.
RUBY IN THE ROUGH!
The diving double footstomp catches Tommy in the chest and face and Ruby makes the cover!
1!
2!!
3!!!
Winner by Pinfall - Ruby
Bama: "Ruby once again proving why she's a three time champ!"
Vinnie Lane: Put another one in the win column for the Super Dear'O, Bammer, Ruby just won her first Plump Pigeon match!"
Dragging himself through the hallways, Jason Cashe was coming to the back after his match. He had a headache and was ready to shower, see his Woo Saah (girlfriend) and get his smoke on. All the moving parts backstage could honestly tell a story in their own right. Yet as Cashe passed the different areas, he couldn't help but to gaze at the surroundings. Groups of people gathered near catering, an open door to a locker room had some weirdo meditating in the middle of the room sitting Indian Style. Likely a pre or post match ritual, there were many forms of both.
As he turned the far corner, he realized he wasn't going in the direction of his own room. Almost as he decides to turn around, he walks past an open door. A commotion inside catches his eye as two men are stomping away at someone on the ground. A boot crashes down onto the head of the current Anarchy Champion, Elijah Martin.
Jason Cashe: "The fuck?"
Rushing into the room, Cashe didn't recognize the two men but he had grown to have some respect for Eli.
CRACK!
Cashe plows into one of the men with an overhand lunging closed fist. The man stumbles and falls into the far wall. As he pops off the wall and turns to Cashe, the man is met with a KILLER Elbow, a move Cashe calls 'Mark of Jason' and it was useful in a fight regardless of location. It drops the man as he slumps back against the wall and slides down into a seated position.
His friend, the other unknown assailant crashes into Cashe, with clobbering forearms and punches. Grabbing the man as he beats into him, Jason Cashe spins and throws shoves him away to place distance. As the man rushes back at Cashe, Elijah Martin shoots up from the floor and lays the man out, using his own momentum along with a forearm of his own. Dropping down over the man as he hits the ground and Elijah begins drilling down into the guy's face. His nose splits and begins gushing with blood that fills his facial features with puddles of sticky, warm and red wetness. Cashe laughed as he reached and touched Elijah's shoulder.
Jason Cashe: "Let's not need a location to hide a body.."
Ripping his shoulder away, Elijah grunts as he stands up. Leaving one lumped up and bruised for the next few weeks, Elijah turns and runs past Cashe, drilling the other one still seated against the wall and crashes a knee into his face. You can hear a bone somewhere in his face crack but he falls to the side.
Elijah Martin: "Bitch.."
The Anarchy Champion spits at the downed body of the guy against the wall. Cashe grins as he pats Eli on the back.
Jason Cashe: "You good?"
Elijah Martin: "I am now.. Appreciate the assist. Chicken shit motherfuckers acted like they were fans! Sucker punched me from behind."
Jason Cashe: "Maaan… Fans turn Haters on a single sentence. Everything has an expiration date, can't place trust in a friendly face."
Elijah Martin: "That's the fucking truth!"
Snatching up his NY Ball Cap off the floor, Elijah was still worked up and heated. Cashe was sure that he was mad at himself in part because you always question what you could have done differently in every situation. He might be standing now but getting jumped, you take a misstep somewhere and it can eat you alive mentally, even if the feeling is temporary.
Jason Cashe: "Don't stress it too much.. Just think, I got jumped by Bing Bong Twinzz.. At least these fools have legs to walk on."
Through his frustration, Elijah still let out a laugh. Picking up and placing his Anarchy Championship over his shoulder as if to reassure himself as a Champion, Eli sticks out a hand to Cashe. An offering shake to again pass his appreciation.
Elijah Martin: "Yeah, well, like I'm sure Bing Bong will get, these two are getting tattooed with a reminder at the mistake they made here tonight.."
After the handshake, Cashe got to searching the pockets on the fallen men. Checking the wallet, he takes the couple of bills inside and tosses it to Elijah.
Jason Cashe: "Who brings they wallet to do dirt? Stupid ass people thinking they can be criminal but don't have the mindset for it."
Elijah Martin: "All the way from Phoenix, Scott Done."
As Cashe checks the other guy and checks his credentials, he again removes the money and a gift card to Wendy's.
Jason Cashe: "There is about 300 in funds between them.."
Elijah Martin: "And a gift card I see."
Handing Elijah the second wallet. Cashe shrugged and held the money and card in his gripped hand. Still in his ring gear, he was without pockets.
Jason Cashe: "They came to act up and got robbed in return."
Placing the back of his hand against Eli's chest, Cashe added.
Jason Cashe: "You know how it goes.. They just stepped up without timberlands on, who they think they stomping? Not you, not I!"
Elijah Martin: "You don't have any rope or duct tape by chance do you?"
Cashe smiled. He knew the deal and how Elijah was thinking.
Jason Cashe: "Heh.. Nah, I left the kidnap kit in my other car! But you got this, yeah?"
Now Cashe was extending a hand. Elijah slaps his to it and the two shake up and release the grip.
Jason Cashe: "I'm gonna dip. Got my Woo Saah waiting on me so I need to shower and get that honey ya dig?"
Elijah Martin: "I hear you! Again, thanks man. Good looking out!"
Jason Cashe: "Oh, the pleasure was mine. Clowns get joked on.. Be easy Champ!"
Leaving as he came in, Cashe headed to his own locker room. Elijah unlocks his cell and makes a call as he looks at the two unconscious men who tried to take him out.
Elijah Martin: "Chris.. I'm gonna need you to come through."
Lord Raab
- vs -
Centurion
Monster by Skillet plays over the sound system as Lord Raab comes out through the curtain wearing his green and black wrestling trousers with his nickname The Green Disease German Monster on the front of them with Monster Energy logos on the side of his trousers with black gloves on both of his hands and wears a black and green mask and ignores the fans as he goes up the stairs before going in-between the ropes and crouches down in the corner moving backwards and forwards, rubbing his hands and moving his neck around with anger in his eyes while waiting for the match to start.
Vinnie Lane: "Raab is a dangerous man! The guy is always one second away from going completely bezerk!"
Bama: "Pretty sure the man is a serial killer, Vinnie. We need Joe Kenda, the homicide hunter!"
Centurion walks to the ring, all business. He actually pulls out his cell and makes a few stock transaction on E-Trade on his way down the ramp, barely paying any mind to Raab at all.
Vinnie Lane: "Has anyone had the XWF success that this man has had? Over the course of decades, he has remained right in the thick of things. Always relevant. Now he's a former Anarchy Champion!"
Cent gets in the ring and stands calmly in his corner as the official looks for the timekeeper.
DING! DING! DING!!!
The bell rings, and Centurion circles with Lord Raab. The two go for a tie up, but the veteran Cent ducks under and wraps his arms around the waist, immediately going for a suplex. Raab is able to block, however. Cent goes for another, and Raab blocks, getting out of the waist hold with a series of elbows to the side of the head. Cent's hands loosen, and he eventually breaks off. Raab spins, trying to catch Cent with a sharp shot to the face, but the legend is ready for anything and ducks it again, this time wrapping the waist and connecting with the suplex.
Vinnie Lane: "And that is why we pay him the big bucks! Dude is a legend! He has seen it all! He is ready for ANYTHING!"
Bama: "Decaf, boss. Decaf."
Raab pops up quick, and Cent knocks him back down with a short armed clothesline. This time when Lord Raab gets back to his feet, it is because Cent pulls him up. He whips him into the ropes, running and connecting with a forearm. It has been all Cent early as he whips him into the other turnbuckle, and he crashes back first, stumbling into the middle.
The crowd is buzzing in Providence, excited about this tournament, but Centurion doesn't even hear them. He is locked in. He picks up Raab again, hitting a thumb to the eye then a kick to the gut.
DDT!
Cent covers!
Vinnie: "That was easy."
Bama: "That's what she said."
1!
2!!
Kickout!
Cent doesn't look pleased, but all business. He picks Raab back up, the the Lord isn't done. He fires off a few shots to the face to back Cent off, then a standing drop kick sends the legend back into the turnbuckle!
Raab seems to be ramping himself up and charges, going for a smash in the corner but Cent once again is able to move, slide behind for a roll up, but Raab pops out before a 1 count. When he rolls out of the count, however, he gets a boot to the face. Flat on his back, Raab blinks a few times before beginning to try to get up. Cent kicks him a few times and lifts him back up, locking him in a full nelson. He begins to stretch the shoulders as Raab tries to battle out of it.
Vinnie Lane: "Cent is proving a point here. He is trying to make an example of Lord Raab for the rest of the tournament competitors to see!"
Raab, trying to figure out how to get out of it, begins to lift his feet off the ground, and the legend Centurion takes advantage hitting a sit-out powerbomb.
He goes into the cover.
1!
2!!
3-NO! LORD RAAB KICKS OUT.
Bama: "Wow! Lord Raab has struggled to get off the blocks here, but he is showing a lotta moxy right now!"
Vinnie Lane: "Refusing to quit! That's what I expect out of my superstars!"
Cent appears to have tweaked his shoulder lifting Raab for that last powerbomb. He winces a bit, holding his shoulder as Raab begins to stir, using the ropes to pull himself up. Cent signals for the end. Cent lifts him up, going for the 1000 Mile Slam, but Raab slides behind, he whips Cent off the ropes, goes for a clothesline but the legend ducks, and on the rebound Lord Raab flies through the air, connecting with a Lou Thez press, hammering clubbing forearms down onto Cent's face! He rolls off, yelling as he amps himself up and Cent, who is back on his feet, walks right into a spinebuster!
Lord Raab is on the offensive now!
Bama: "He's cookin now, Vin Man!"
Vinnie Lane: "Damnit, now I'm hungry!"
Raab goes for the cover.
1!
Centurion gets a shoulder up at one! Raab kicks him once and when Cent rolls over he locks in the Boston Crab! Cent immediately recognizes the situation and reaches for the ropes, but realizing he cannot reach be begins trying to spin and kick Raab off. Lord Raab sits deeper into the hold.
Cent is eventually able to spin, kicking Raab in the buttox and shoving him off, towards the ropes. Catching himself on the ropes he turns, and Cent rolls out of the ring before Raab can come back at him.
As Cent is outside the ring, gathering himself he notices something. There are 4 "things" duct taped to the ring posts. One on each one. Small items, about the size of a 5 hour energy. He furls his brow, confused. The one closest to him says
P M I E C E K E
Raab is now outside the ring, however. He goes for a sneak attack, Cent sees it, and slams Lord's head off the object. He falls to the mat. Centurion, not in the mood for games, rips it off the post.
Bama: "Why didn't we see these before? What the hell are they?"
Vinnie Lane: "They are tiny! I was focused on the action, not the ring posts! Have those been there all night?!"
Centurion has pulled it off the ring post, and looks at it in his hand.
It is a small roll of quarters!
He looks entirely confused.
Bama: "That's ten dollars there, Vinnie! It's Cent's lucky day!"
Raab is back up, Cent rolls him into the ring. He hits a standing drop kick into a Saito Suplex. He doesn't go for the cover, though, but instead a leg drop off the ropes. Now he covers.
1!
2!!
Kickout!!!
He picks Raab back up and signals for the 1000 Mile driver, but Raab again slides behind, shoving Cent away. He rolls out of the ring and this time it is Lord Raab who notices the taped item. He looks at it curiously.
P M I E C E K E
He pulls it off and looks at it. It is a roll of pennies! Disappointed, he tosses it aside just as Centurion hits Bloody Symphony, sending him crashing back into the barricade. The ref begins to count again. He grabs Raab by the head and walks him to the other ring post, bouncing Raab's head off of it.
P M I E C E K E
Now frustrated, he rips it off. This time, a roll of dimes.
Bama: "That's another 5 dollars!"
Centurion's eyes narrow as he puts it all together.
Pennies, Dimes, Quarters.......all that was left was............
The last piece of tape he rips off in frustration......
It's Jenny Myst's Pepper Spray! He looks at it, utterly confused now. When he turns around he walks right into a spear by Lord Raab!
Vinnie Lane: "Lord Raab almost broke Centy in half there! And he is being antagonized, taunted by Charlie Nickles here! What the heck is even going on with Charlie and Jenny?"
Bama: "How do you know it's Charlie?!"
Vinnie Lane: "Pennies, Dimes, Quarters......DUH!"
Bama: "Pennies.....Dimes, Quarters....Mace? I don't follow."
Vinnie Lane: "Ugh!"
Raab rolls Centurion into the ring. A scoop slam in the center of the ring and he signals for the chokeslam with the thumb across the throat.
Cent is up and Raab grabs the throat.
Bama: "Damnit! Don't tell me he's gonna steal one here because of Nickles and that lunatic Myst!"
He lifts Centurion up, but Cent counters with a chop to Raab's throat, and the Lord drops him. Raab clutches his throat and stagger, vomiting on his boots in a corner. There are white floaty bits. It's pretty gross. Cent props him up.
Vinnie Lane: "He's not!"
1000 MILE SLAM!!!!!!!!!
The cover.
1!
2!!
3!!!
Winner by Pinfall - Centurion
Vinnie Lane: "Wild match with an inexplicable finish! Someone needs to get to the bottom of all this Chuck and Jenny stuff! ARE THEY LOVERS???"
Centurion looks at the ramp way with a concerned look. The mind games almost cost him a match. The camera pans in on the bottle of mace that says "CENTY'SSCENTY" across it as Anarchy cuts to commercial.
Jason Cashe
- vs -
HGH
The crowd begins to boo as Harmon Grayson Hays walks out to the stage with Tommy Slavino in tow. HGH smirks, unphased by the crowd's jeers. He makes his way to the ring, where Tommy holds the ropes apart for him to enter.
Bama: "This guy right here has all the tools, Vincent, you mark my dang words this boy is a HOSS and is gonna be the Anarchy Champion by the end of 2022!"
Vinnie Lane: "That's a huge prediction, Bama, but I agree, HGH is one of those guys that's going to put it all together one day and BOOM! The game changes!"
The hymn-like hum vibrates through the area before Lauren Hill soundfully brings in the chorus. Jason Cashe comes out from the back with Josslynn Spencer holding his hand. His eyes are covered by sunglasses. Looking around the arena at the live audience, his eyes stay hidden behind the shades. Taking a long drag off an air joint, Cashe howls up into the sky, a few fans howl with him. Josslynn gives him a 'good game' slap to the butt and they head down to the ring.
Vinnie Lane: "On the other side of that coin, Jason Cashe has seen and done it all in this business... he brings a real veteran challenge to a young upstart like Hays!"
Bama: "Sometimes the way you gotta learn is to stand with the best. Sometimes you just stand with Cashe instead, though!"
Vinnie Lane: "Rude! But really funny."
DING! DING! DING!!!
The match is off to a quick start as the two start things off by trading blows in the center of the ring. Jason Cashe unloads a flurry of slaps that serve to confuse the young HGH and open him up for a big knee lift to the face that drops him to the mat! Cashe takes off towards the ropes as HGH scrambles to his feet, but just as HGH rises, he's met with a running headbutt that doubles him over and brings him to his knees. Cashe fires off a couple of jabs to keep HGH compliant then leads him to his feet, but HGH makes a move to escape Cashe's grip! Only it doesn't work out as Cashe slaps on a side headlock and holds the young rookie in place to his disdain! Cashe grins ear to ear having HGH locked down tight!
Vinnie Lane: "The level of experience that Jason Cashe holds over the rookie, HGH is on full display in the early goings of this match dudes!"
Bama: "HGH is being made to look a fool, baby, and I blame it all on that big fat lame he has as a manager!"
HGH tightens his grip around Cashe's waist and runs him into the corner chest first. HGH stumbles away as Cashe releases his grip. The two lock up in a grapple and reach a stalemate as they test their raw power against one another. Cashe struggles against HGH's power. A cocky grin forms on HGH's face as he pushes Cashe down towards the mat, but Cashe being pretty damned strong in his own right, isn't done yet! Jason Cashe digs deep with the support of the crowd behind him, he gives it his all and pushes up from the mat, bringing him and HGH back to equal footing! HGH knows that he's in trouble when Cashe begins to gain leverage over him and so does Tommy, who jumps up on the apron and acts like he's going to enter the ring. The official rushes the ropes to detail Tommy, and this distraction allows HGH to land a low blow to end the test of strength much to the crowd's disdain!
Bama: "Right there! RIGHT THERE! That's exactly why y'all shouldn't allow that fat goof at ringside, baby!"
Tommy drops off of the apron as HGH peels Cashe off of the mat, but Cashe still has fight in him and throws a wild punch to try and fend off HGH, but HGH blocks the blow and fires back with a blatant eye rake! The official warns HGH, but he shoves past him and continues the assault on Jason Cashe by stomping a mudhole in him! HGH takes a moment to interact with the fans as they shower him with jeers! HGH is all smiles.
Vinnie Lane: "You know, we have a lot of talent in the XWF that don't exactly fight for the people, but HGH seems to actively fight against them!"
Bama: "That's because everyone backstage and at home hates the spoiled brat, baby! The only person that he's fighting for is that dirty old man in his corner!"
HGH turns his attention back to Cashe too late and gets leveled with a left-armed clothesline! HGH hits the mat back first and springs back to his feet as Jason rebounds off of the ropes and takes him down with an aggressive crossbody! Jason Cashe returns the favor with a series of rapid-fire chest stomps! Cashe plays to the crowd who are loving every minute of it!
Vinnie Lane: "The XWF fans have taken to Jason Cashe very quickly!"
Bama: "Yeah, and why wouldn't they? Did you really think they'd cheer for HGH tonight, baby?"
Vinnie Lane: "I... No... I..."
Cashe leads HGH back to his feet, but HGH begins to fight back with shots to the midsection! HGH whips Cashe into the ropes and follows closely behind, clotheslining him over the top to the outside! The official begins the ten count as HGH follows to the outside. HGH whips Cashe towards the steps, but Cashe reverses the momentum and sends HGH crashing into the steel instead! Cashe breaks the officials count at 4 as HGH struggles back to his feet. Cashe grabs him from behind, but HGH breaks free and fires back with a series of jabs followed by big wild gorilla hands that place Cashe in a seated position against the barricade! HGH takes a few steps back and rushes in with a knee that pancakes Cashe's skull against the barricade! Jason Cashe slumps down as the official reaches 6! HGH rolls in and right back out of the ring to break the count before leaning Cashe towards the ring post. HGH shoves Cashe face-first into the post, but Cashe grabs the pole and blocks the move before slamming HGH face-first into it instead! Cashe throws HGH under the bottom rope and into the ring! Cashe follows close behind! Cashe leads HGH to his feet by the arm and looks for The Mark Of Jason, but HGH ducks the shot and hooks Cashe into an inverted DDT! HGH smiles wide before hitting the rolling cutter that he called The Injection Shot!
Vinnie Lane: "This could be it! HGH has won most of his matches with that very move!"
HGH doesn't cover him though! Instead he paces the ring pointing at his brain like it's the biggest. Tommy barks orders from the outside for HGH to get back to it. HGH doesn't though, instead he seems to be looking to finish this match with Double Dose as he looks to lock in the hammerlock!
OHMYGOSH
Jason Cashe just jams his erect thumb right up into the taint of HGH as hard as he could muster!
Bama: "Did Jason Cashe just thumb HGH in the grundle!?"
Vinnie Lane: "I think that's exactly what happened, dude... that's AWFUL."
HGH reaches down to his nethers and doubles over and Cashe grabs him by the arms... SCRAP ACTION DRIVER!!!
Cashe floats over HGH and hooks a leg...
1!
2!!
3!!!
Winner by Pinfall - Jason Cashe
Bama: "IN THE GRUNDLE, VINNIE!?"
Vinnie Lane: "Jason Cashe with a win in his first round matchup... man I hope HGH didn't get a bruised perineum...
After the match, as Jason Cashe starts to leave the ring…
HE GETS DOUSED IN A TSUNAMI OF YELLOWISH GREASY STUFF!!!
Cashe slips around in the goo and falls on his face and the arena fills with laughter echoing from above. Cambots look up and find…
IT’S DA BING BONG TWINZZ!
Cashe cusses up a storm, shouting up into the lights in the arena ceiling as the Twinzz keep laughing.
MC C-Munqqquee: “Thought we’d give you some vaseline so you could get your head unstuck from your own ass, BITCH!”
Li’l Ca$h-App: “Yeah BITCH!”
MC C-Munqqquee: “Both of us are your daddy now. Come see us in Hawaii, we gonna take turns getting your girlfriend LEI’d!”
Li’l Ca$h-App: “Yeah BITCH!”
They keep laughing as Cashe continues to struggle to get to his feet in the ring.
Dolly Waters
- vs -
Boots Lichter
Vinnie Lane: ”Radical, dude! After three gritty L Block matches, we’re moving into our final L block match of the night!”
Bama: ”And brother, we saved a doozie for the finale!”
First out of the curtain is O-Bay T-Law… Looking mighty grumpy!
Vinnie Lane: ”Whoa! Despite Father Jefferson Chaney’s pep-talk to both these MAGA dudes, O-Bay is looking like one unhappy hombre!”
Bama: ”Shiiiit, Vin. If you were in your physical prime, and the most star-studded tournament in Anarchy History came ‘round… Then, your manager benches you in favor of a 54 year-old disgraced politician with one win on his belt? You’d be madder than a wet hen, too!”
”No doubt! Can’t argue with Papa Chain-Chain’s math though, dude! One win is more than zero!”
After a lot of pushing and struggling to get the curtain open from the inside, O-Bay exasperatedly yanks it to the side. Boots looks perplexed, then waves at the audience.
”THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL! COMING TO THE RING FIRST! ACCOMPANIED TO THE RING BY O-BAY T-LAW! AT SIX FEET! WEIGHING IN AT 189 POUNDS! BOOTS LICHTER!”
Boots strolls down the ramp, flanked by O-Bay.
Vinnie Lane: ”Barty Lichter is looking a little lost out here, Bama!”
Bama: ”Lost like a fox, Vinnie! You just wait, there’s some cunning at play here from the Moral Army of Godly Americans! They’ve been biding their time, feeling out the XWF… Watch for them to use this tourney to turn things around!”
Boots finally jogs up the steps, already looking a little winded, before stepping through the ropes and making it to the ring.
Vinnie Lane: ”A sight for sore eyes, Bama! Finally, after a few months gone recovering from that ACL tear, Dolly Waters is back on Anarchy!”
The stadium spotlights rush up toward the ceiling and Waters appears under the XTron. She marches to the beat of Ode To Joy, the crowd roaring, her gaze set squarely on the squared circle. However, her march is slightly off its usual timber… She’s sporting a knee brace on her previously injured leg.
Bama: ”...Dolly is all the way recovered, right V-man?”
Vinnie Lane: ”I asked her if she had medical clearance from a doctor and she said she’d been looked at by the finest medical professionals in Coreytopia! She’s good to go!”
Bama: ”...Well, if Dolly is healthy, she’s a favorite to sweep L-block!”
Despite some clear pain in her face as she walks down the ramp, Dolly climbs through the ropes and takes the center of the ring. Raising a single fist into the air.
DING! DING! DING!!!
Boots isn’t quite sure what to make of Dolly’s leg. As the bell rings, he remains in his corner…
Before he can move, Dolly springs forward and leaps! She grabs Boots’ old frame and…
MONKEY FLIP!
Boots goes soaring four feet in the air, landing on his back!
Vinnie Lane: ”BODACIOUS HANGTIME!”
Bama: ”You ain’t lyin', man! Dolly’s still got it!”
While Boots is slow to rise to his feet from being 54… Dolly is a little slow to regain her stance as well… She beats Boots off the ground by a half-a-second. She runs to resume the attack!
But she lands flat on her face! O-Bay reaches in the ring from the corner and hooks Dolly’s ankle! Dolly lands right on that braced knee and looks agonized!
Vinnie Lane: ”The official is asking O-Bay what happened!”
Bama: ”And O-Bay is insisting Dolly tripped over her own feet!”
As Dolly writhes on the ground, Boots steps up and starts stomping on the back on Dolly’s injured knee!
Vinnie Lane: ”Ugh! Gnarly! Boots is taking advantage striking at Dolly’s injury!”
Bama: ”Gnarly like a fox, Vinnie! What Boots lacks in wrestling ability, he makes up for in mental acumen! O-Bay created an opening for Lichter and Lichter is doing everything in his power to strike while the iron is hot!”
Indeed, Boots gets the oldest-fashioned heel hook and secures it to Dolly’s injured leg!
Bama: ”Boots has Dolly heel-hooked, center of the ring! We might be looking at the biggest upset of the first round if Boots can torque Dolly into calling it quits!”
Vinnie Lane: ”Brah, I thought you said Boots was smart! If you ever think you can get Dolly to quit, ya didn’t do your homework, kemosabe!”
Indeed, Dolly looks in terrible pain from Boots’ heel hook hold… But she does not tap!
Instead, she wrenches back her free foot!
And kicks Boots straight in the face! Boots’ grip loosens but does not break!
She kicks again! Boots looks woozy, but holds on…
Dolly is desperate! She needs out of this hold!
She reels back… Boots braces himself…
But Dolly brings her foot straight to the air!
BOOM! AXE KICK STRAIGHT TO THE TOP OF BOOTS’ DOME!
Boots cradles the top of his head, which is all the time Dolly needs to somersault backwards out of safety!
Vinnie Lane: ”Dolly may not have her full faculties, dude! But she’s still got that warrior’s spirit!”
As Boots crawls up to one knee, Dolly hobbles forward and SHOTGUN DROPKICKS Boots back into the corner!
Boots’ spine crumples against the turnbuckle and he falls flat on his face!
Boots stays limp on the ground… Dolly tries to take advantage, but her leg is still severely limiting her mobility.
As Waters reaches Lichter, O-Bay sets a Bible down on the side of the ring… Then hops on the ring apron!
Vinnie Lane: ”Bama! What the H is going on here?”
Bama: ”Not sure Vin! O-Bay might be trying to call a timeout!”
The official steps over to demand O-Bay leave ringside!...But at their feet, O-Bay kicks the bible over to Boots!
Dolly steps over… and shoves O-Bay off the apron to the outside!
O-Bay lands on his back! The official leans outside the ropes and yells at him to head to the showers! HE’S OUTTA HERE!
Dolly turns around… THUNK!
A loud, metallic strike echoes! Boots just clocked Dolly with that Bible!
Vinnie Lane: ”Bama, I gotta confess, it’s been a minute since I’ve picked up a scripture? Do they usually sound that… metal?”
Bama: ”Nah, sir, Mister Lane. That bible’s gotta be weighted, must have an extra six or seven commandments in there to increase swinging power!”
Boots kisses the bible, then tosses it outside, just as the official turns around to see Dolly collapsed flat on her back!
Boots desperately hops into the cover!
1!
2!!
3!!!
Winner by Pinfall - Boots Lichter
Boots hops up like he just won an election, pumping his fists and waving to his booing audience. O-Bay rolls under the ropes, still obviously miffed that he isn’t in the spotlight, but begrudgingly applauds his teammate.
Vinnie Lane: ”What a low-down, no-good dirty trick.”
Bama: ”Low-down, no-good dirty trick LIKE A FOX, V-Man! You may not like it, but Boots Lichter, representing the Moral Army of Godly Americans, picks up a huge round 1 victory over L Block Favorite, Dolly Waters!”
BEGINNER'S LUCK BRAWL
"La Reina" Daniela Raye-Weathers
- vs -
Lloyd Armani
- vs -
"Good Time" Stevie McKeown Triple Threat
The winner will get an Anarchy Championship match NEXT ANARCHY!!
Referee: Ari Silverstein
Lloyd Armani pulls up to the arena in a limo, with a cigar in his mouth and wearing a suit - he then swaggers up to the entranceway and walks slowly down the ramp while taking off his suit.
Vinnie Lane: "Now that's a heck of a first impression... let's see if it translates to beginner's luck!!"
Bama: "The man is going to wrestle in designer slacks. Unbelievable."
"Good Time" Stevie McKeown struts to the ring with a big smile on his face, obviously excited to be here.
Vinnie Lane: "I've talked to Stevie. The guy is super nice! Definitely a good time!"
Bama: "Well hopefully he doesn't have a bad time in the ring here tonight, we don't need to be scaring off these new recruits on day one, Vin-Man!."
The crowd pops for "La Reina" as she emerges from the back, since they are familiar with her from her previous appearance on Anarchy.
Vinnie Lane: "Last time out on Anarchy, La Reina was able to defeat Lord Raab! That was an impressive debut, so let's see if she can keep it up here tonight!"
Bama: "Or if her beginner's luck has already worn out!"
DING! DING! DING!!!
The bell rings and all three competitors prepare for war in the Main Event.
Vinnie Lane: "Here we go! It's been a wild show so far, and this match is a hell of a way to cap off my show!"
Bama: "You mean Sarah's show."
Vinnie Lane: "Shut it."
La Reina is the aggressor early, as she explodes off the blocks and begins to attack Lloyd Armani, backing him into the corner with a series of chops and punches. Stevie McKeown grabs her by the hair and pulls her back, and he begins to rain down punches, putting her on her back, Armani rushes out of the corner, and McKeown grabs him, hitting a back body drop. La Reina is back up, and the two lock up. McKeown gets the upper hand, putting her in a side head lock. Having nowhere else to go she runs, running up the ropes with him still attached, and attempting a bulldog. He throws her off, and she lands on her tailbone. But before he can process the situation, he gets blindsided by Armani, who clubs him in the side of the head. Stevie rolls out of the ring and Armani quickly covers Weathers.
Ari Silverstein slides down for the count.
1!
2!!
La Reina kicks out. Armani slaps the mat, convinced he stole one there. He picks her up by the hair. She twists him around and hits a neckbreaker. She goes to cover by McKeown is back in the ring now and breaks it up before Ms. Silverstein can get a hand down even once.
He pulls her off Armani, and throws her into the corner. Lifting him up, he whips him into her in the corner, but Daniela shoulder blocks him, knocking him back into the middle. McKeown boots him in the gut and delivers a DDT. Weathers grins as he pins Armani.
1!
2!!
She breaks it up at the last second, clearly playing with him a little.
He looks up at her and she grins again before kneeing him in the face. She grabs Armani, lifts him to his feet and delivers a DDT of her own.
Bama: "Armani taking a lot of punishment so far. It appears her is the Guinea Pig here."
Vinnie Lane: "These two appear to be trying to out-do each other at Mr. Armani's expense. I dig it."
She goes for the cover.
1!
2!!
McKeown breaks it up!
He stands up, getting face to face with Weathers. The two exhange some words, and Good Time Stevie shoves her. She falls backwards, onto her ass. She gets up, clearly a little upset, and a tad bit embarrassed. She gets back in his face, but the time they spent arguing, Armani got his bearings. He walks up next to them and grabs both of their heads, slamming them together. They both stumble back and Armani hits a drop kick on Weathers, sending her over the ropes and out of the ring. He turns his attention to McKeown, but Stevie sees him coming, ducking the clothesline then grabbing Armani around the waist, throwing him back for a suplex.
Bridge!
Silverstein slides down,
1!
2!!
3--Armani kicks out.
Bama: "Wow, this triple threat has been complete anarchy so far!"
Vinnie Lane: "You're welcome!"
Bama: "Did Sarah make this match?!"
Vinnie Lane: "I am gonna have your mic cut, dude!"
He picks Armani up and whips him into the corner. Weathers is back in the ring and attacks McKeown, this time going for the leg with a chop block. He drops to one knee, holding the back of his leg. She comes off the ropes with a running knee to the face and quickly hooks the leg for a cover.
Ari Silverstein is getting his exercise tonight as he slides back to the mat for the pin.
1!
2!!
McKeown kicks out but Armani, now out of the corner, drops an elbow on her back. She is still on top of McKeown, and he throws her off. He drops a knee down across the throat of McKeown, Good Time rolls over, holding his neck as Armani turns towards Weathers. He goes for a clothesline, she ducks, and tries to lift him but he becomes dead weight. When she fails to lift him, he lifts her, delivering a pump-handle slam and coming off the ropes with a leg drop. He looks at Ari and tells him to count to three.
He slides down and slaps the mat.
1!
2!!
3--WEATHERS KICKS OUT.
Armani is clearly frustrated now.
Weathers comes off the ropes with a Savant kick!
Armani crumbles.
She covers.
Silverstein gets down again.
1!
2!!
3---McKEOWN BREAKS IT UP AT THE LAST SECOND!
The roar of the crowd can be heard as all three competitors look spent from this fast paced match.
Weathers is the first to her feet. She climbs to the top rope as the crowd roars in anticipation of a potential high flying move.
Bama: "She gets one per show! She better make this good!"
Vinnie Lane: "Oh stop it! She can do as many as she wants, dude!"
McKeown gets up and she hits a missle drop kick off the top. He tumbles backwards and she uses her momentum and carry her into a summersault, pinning him in a small package with her feet on the ropes!
1!
2!!
Ari Silverstein stops the count, pointing to Daniela's feet which are clearly on the middle rope. She begins to argue with the ref as McKeown crawls away.
Armani is back up now. He grabs Weathers and spins her around, getting in her face. She slaps him. He backs up. She continues into the corner, chopping him across the chest.
She chops him particularly hard, and he falls into a sitting position in the corner.
She turns around directly into a spinebuster from McKeown!
She is down!
He takes a moment to look at her and Armani explodes out of the corner.
Night Night Time! THE MILLION DOLLAR DREAM CONNECTS!
The Providence crowd roars as he covers.
1!
2!!
3!!!
Vinnie Lane: "And as always, good prevails, dude! McKeown is gonna get an Anarchy Title shot in only his second ever match! That's some incredible beginner's luck for sure!"
Bama: "A hard fought match and what a way to end the show! I'll tell Sarah what a great product tonight was!"
Vinnie Lane: "I hate you so much sometimes, dude."
Winner by Pinfall - "Good Time" Stevie McKeown
Vinnie Lane: "That's all we've got time for tonight everyone! Tune in again in two weeks for the next installment of the Plump Pigeon tournament, and see our NEW number one contender Stevie McKeon get his title shot! Thanks for watching!"
Anarchy fades to black as a shocked Stevie McKeown continues to smile in amazement in the ring.
SPECIAL THANKS:
Jenny Myst
Sarah Lacklan
Dolly Waters
Vita Valenteen
Calvary
Jason Cashe
Da Bing Bong Twinzz
Mark Flynn
We see Tommy in the backstage, with his busted nose as it's being treated by some nurses. He then pull up Ruby's boot as a "trophy" as he decides to air out his match.
"Like I said before... I wasn't gonna advance in this pidgin gimmick thing, nor i care on that. I already beaten Ash Q on the B show last time, and haven't gotten my hands on her boot yet... Ruby, she did a number on me so well... but i want her to remember this...
She might have won the fight, but i still got her boot as my collateral, she can afford some more anyways.
I wish you all the best... now fuck off!"
Then the nurse come back to check in as he held her boot.
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