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"Golpe Nocaut"




































Good evening Universe and welcome to XWF Xtreme News, I'm Spike Spitely! Today---






























The reason behind his hospitalization has finally been released, someone shot Charlie Nickles! Why it took news like THAT this long to break is a mystery but experts have concluded Charlie is an idiot. Nonetheless, bumbling Nazi Karl "Charlie Nickles" aka "Chuck the Cuck" aka "Plucky Chucky" aka "Charlie No Dick" Nichelschtein is none too pleased with the situation and has vowed to get to the bottom of it all with as much credibility as the Scooby-Doo gang. Experts suggest- and in this anchorman's humble opinion -Charlie Nickles is and shot HIMSELF in the head accidentally in comical Elmer Fudd fashion and is somehow, as Charlie fuckin' Nickles, too prideful to admit it. He- Wait a minute... "In this anchorman's humble opinion"? Why...I don't remember having an opinion... Oh for the love of Pete. Er Gilmour. Is someone tampering with the show again?? ...Oh no... AAAAAAPEEEEEEEEEX!?


Giggling like schoolgirls, Jim, Drew and Main sneak out of the production booth with the ol' universal "sneaky cartoon doofus" tippy-toe creep, leaving the production crew tied up like last time. You'd think they'd learn...


Spike Spitely, ever unshakable even in the presence of really big spiders, forges ahead.























Someone has ambushed Corey Smith! And of course we all know who it was...Thaddeus Duke, XWF Hart Champion, once beloved wunderkind now despised scat-heel, made short work of then Xtreme Champion Corey Smith while a shrieking Dolly Waters looked on. ...I'm sorry, does anyone else notice Corey is still one handsome mofo despite his facial trauma? How anyone could capitalize on such a bae face like that and steal his X away-


Off-camera. HEY- HEY!......I was jumped before the match TOO y'know! I took a fuckin' BOTTLE to the face for fucksake! Stop makin' me sound like a villain and read the goddamn prompter!


...Fans universe-wide are wondering when their hero will- if ever -make his return. Obviously Jim Caedus wishes him well.


Off-camera. Speedy recovery asswipe. Stop ad-libbing, Spike!




























Thunder Knuckles, one half of the XWF and OCW Tag Team Champions- Them No Good Bastards -is being sought for singles matches from wrestlers on the XWF active roster but continually refuses to accept. Despite his cop-out with the limp-dick excuse of being a TAG competitor while his TAG partner Robert Bourbon takes on multiple SINGLES matches, the XWF Universe has decided TK is a nutless coward whose smartass "too cool" one-liner responses to criticism are textbook pussy deflections attempting to divert attention away from his empty scrotum and he is now recognized as the most overrated "champion" regardless of his being a member of a stable full of hacks known for "writing their own ticket"- whatever that means -and carrying lame-ass fake titles meant to make enhancement talent feel like stars.


But the XWF's resident yellow-belly isn't the ONLY man being sought after...



























Cadryn Tiberius, one-time rival of then rising XWF superstar Jim Caedus, former jester for The Kings and life partner of Micheal Graves, made a brief appearance not long ago on the XWF airwaves then just as quickly vanished back into the spineless pinkish ether from whence he came. Sources say popular opinion among the XWF Universe is that Cadryn is a cock-tease who never should have shown his face if he didn't intend on sticking around to get his shit pushed in by Jim Caedus another half-dozen times. Micheal Graves couldn't be reached for comment.


Which of course segues nicely into our next story...

































Where in the world IS Micheal Graves and why is he such a 1st grade dropout dipshit that can't spell his own name- MICHAEL -correctly? Graves hasn't been seen since an ill-advised foray into Freaky Friday fucktardery, a move experts suggest stems from the fact Micheal Graves recognizes himself as entertaining only to the fringe at best and desperately seeks to be anyone OTHER than himself, even Gilly. Remembered not as the champion from the John Brown era, instead as the pedophile of the XWF who crossed the line with underage Dolly Waters- then recently "got up in that" AGAIN, casting any argument that he's mended his Tommy Wish-like ways to the winds -and in answer to reports of Graves kidnapping a child, the authorities are spread thin keeping a close eye on locations children tend to frequent in an effort to capture the menace once and for all. Widely seen as a cringe and creepy ass sexual predator, Graves is assumed to be behind a number of barely legal young women (Vita ValenTEEN for example) in the XWF as douchebag down-low manager and it is this theory (as well as the established fact Graves is a LUCHA ENTHUSIAST) that is leading some to believe he is in fact the "brains" behind 18 year old Latina Submission Machina whose clusterfuck existence gels with Graves's ability to come up with "good" (however tasteless) ideas while lacking the intelligence and talent to properly carry them out. He's simply just not that good. And as for LSM herself...







Jim Caedus is set to make his first official Xtreme Title defense this coming Warfare against Machina and the two have already levied their opening verbal attacks at one another, though it isn't expected LSM will have the opportunity for a second punch following her "Primer Puñetazo", or first punch, ironically titled when uploaded to the XWF airwaves mere moments AFTER Jim's. But, if the management theories are true, such a gaff can be expected from anyone in the Graves Camp. Despite her fumbling the opportunity, critics have described LSM's "Primer Puñetazo" as a witty promo effectively nailing Jim Caedus on-


Off-camera. Hoooold the fuckin' phone... "Witty"? "Effectively nailing Jim Caedus"? The fuck did I say about ad-libbing?


I'm sorry Jim but this is XWF Xtreme News, we are an unbiased source of information on the XWF and I cannot in good conscience continue to play into this farce.


Entering frame to walk around the desk and jab an accusatory finger into Spike's chest. You're an in-house journalist promotin' the XWF from a face position, like if "good ol' JR" was the anchor palsyin' 'is way through the top stories, and you're underminin' me as the face ya fuckin' jag-off.


Jim. "Face"? Come on. You are NOT a face.


Taking a seat next to Spike. I exhibit MANY face qualities, young man. Even as a heel I held to a code 'a conduct considered outta character for a villain.


And I quote, "like if good old J-R was the anchor palsying his way through the top stories."


Clueless. ...What.


That wasn't something a face would say, Jim. Point in fact, most of the things you say are not. You are very much so a dick.


The BIGGEST dick, Spike. Gimme what I earned. And it don't change shit because I'm STILL the HERO here.


Looking to the camera, then back to Jim. Jim......if you aren't a face, you aren't a hero.


ANTI...hero. And yes, I am.


An antihero is not the same as a hero, Jim-


It's STILL a fuckin' hero. Right there in the word- anti _hero_. By defiNITION, in paraphrase, lackin' in heroic attributes but damn sure not the villain. In other words, I'm the good guy who fights fire with fire. And in this day and age, with the rogues gallery we got goin', that's the most effective strategy to stompin' out evil.


Jim, at best you're what's considered a "tweener"- like 80% of the wrestling scene "in this day and age" -and I hate to break it to you, but Latina Submission Machina collects a paycheck under the designation "face". So to circle back around this long-winded debate over semantics, all I did that YOU consider wrong, from "the face position" as you called it, was throw support behind the "face" in your match.


Face? ......Face. Let's examine that with the same scrutiny you just showed me, shall we? A face doesn't


A. Say fucked up heel-like shit. Y'know, like when LSM called Jessica Tremor podunk white trash. Now granted, I myself have said similar- as a honky to other honkies -but in the case 'a LSM, if we're to believe she is what she says she is, then she's a latina who called a white chick podunk white trash.


Out and out racism.


And of course, B. A face doesn't lie. I mean, I can see a "lesser of two evils" choice enterin' into a face situation...but LSM lied to 'er own mother. And she lied about stupid shit she didn't hafta lie aBOUT. She won a match via interference- albeit interference carried out by one teammate on another -and instead 'a bein' grateful and takin' the win like a class act, a face, she completely fabricated the sequence of events in the match to fool 'er mammy into believin' a tall tale.


Now, ME...I don't lie. I ain't afraid to be honest 'bout everything about me, includin' my mistakes and shitty personality traits. I also ain't a racist.


So I ask you......who's closer to hero and who's closer to heel? Clearly the topic 'a my last promo didn't go over so smooth with the majority so I'll go ahead and leave that be, satisfied that what I've just pointed out has cast Latina Submission Machina in the correct light:


Liar.


Racist.


Villain.


Considering. ............You may have a fair point there Jim.


S'what I do, Spike.


Another thing I do is completely piss all over any trash talk perceived as "effectively nailing" me- and LSM can thank YOU and those "critics" you referenced for this -to ensure no _moral_ victory has been won regardless 'a who walks outta the match with the win. And oh, do I EVER love clappin' back on a bitch who deserves it...


"Witty" y'called 'er promo.


For usin' a trading card plot device intended to disguise the fact she essentially took the path 'a least resistance in goin' over my profile posted on the Official XWF website point for point? With 'er elderly mother playin' the racist stereotype "sassy, inexplicably ignorant immigrant" card for comic relief to LSM's racist liar straight-man?


How is LSM's mother elderly by the way? Robyn Gonzalez is 18 years old for fucksake. Jim shakes his head in embarrassment for the writer of LSM's material. Oh well, I'm fairly certain there's a racist stereotype explanation she'll prob'ly hit us all with when given the opportunity, so I'll go ahead and return to the original line 'a condemnation: that "mint edition" XWF Jim Caedus tradin' card which provided so much entertainment for the viewer.


A tradin' card somehow displayin' damn near word for word every bit 'a information displayed on my profile- and yes, info provided by myself -includin' portions 'a physical description like that "ovary scars" reference. That's called a mistake, Robyn, and an amusin' one, I'll give ya that. The intended descriptive was "ovoid". I admit, while electronically fillin' out my information it was difficult to come across as eloquent as I desired while homeless and malnourished at the time. Shame on me. And that right there is called ownin' a mistake as opposed to compoundin' one with a lie like a pussy would. By the way, for an alleged latina and factual pocha you sure do have a masterful real-time workin' knowledge of America and the English language LSM; sussin' out by that ovary botch that I meant oval shaped. And yet, you also stated Rice Krispies are a sugary breakfast cereal. But you're also well versed in American-release cult films like Tremors. I guess your familiarity with this country and the English language along with your overall intelligence go in and out like your Spanish. Also, again, round of applause on you, the "legitimate" latina, bein' named Latina Submission (Machina) Crane. A much less serious mistake than a single word on a profile.


Anyhoo...this oh so witty attack began with-

Quote:The nurse leaned back in her chair as she began to read the trading card's details out loud.

Jim has been a fighter since elementary school.

So he’s always been a bully. With his small stature, he was probably a fifth grader picking on the kindergarten class!

He was probably picking on the smaller kids in the special ed class...

WOW...L-O-L... I gotta say, your mom is a sensitive soul and deserves some serious sympathy. If all 'a her is to be believed, her medical predicament ain't at all karmic in nature. I see now where y'get your staggerin' deductive logic and IQ, LSM. 'Cause short kids, those are the ones universally known to be the bullies. And if a short kid is fightin' he must be a bully and not defendin' 'imself, amirite?


That's what we call a whopper, ya trio 'a triggerin' twats, goin' to great lengths far beyond the simple truth to contrive for one's benefit. Like LSM lyin' to 'er mother about how she won that tag match against Elijah and Edward, like a pathetic fuckin' scumbag.


Fast forward through a load 'a incredibly dusty D-grade Graves-like hack trash talk game, some cringe moments of "hilarious" and not at all racist "ignorant immigrant" inability to comprehend words and phrases beyond literal definitions, spiced up with some more eyeroll racist commentary- all the ingredients for a masterpiece -we arrive at LSM takin' a jab at me for holdin' two titles at once. Doesn't really matter which ones, "Robyn Gonzalez", the wrestler with one title- and a fake title at that -the mostly-loser lame who ain't held two OFFICIAL titles at once, let alone ONE, is cuttin' on my holdin' two titles at once. And then her mom joined in. The highly decorated legendary luchadora poked fun at another wrestler for holdin' two titles at once, which, isn't at all nonsensical nor a desperate attempt to insult while inadvertently fuckin' yourself up your own ass.


Not to mention, in the process of insultin' ME, they insulted Marf Swaysons and Atara Themis as well. That's odd. Why them specifically outta ALL the names on the roster from current era and throughout the history 'a the XWF who also held a singles and 24/7 title simultaneously?


🤔Hmmmmmmm...... The one thing they both specifically have in common is that they've both run afoul 'a BoB. But wait...why would a "face" like Latina Submission Machina target two people outta hundreds whose only true connection is pissin' off BoB, a heel stable? I wonder if it has somethin' to do with the theory that Micheal Graves is behind LSM, 'cause he was let into BoB not long ago by Oswald and would definitely simp for 'em. We all know ain't no one got a bigger hate boner for Marf than Graves after Marf legit made a laughin' stock out of 'im in the ring and as a member 'a BoB, he'd dislike Atty's display 'a support for APEX last Warfare against BoB. And while LSM can argue her run-in with Marf in the Freestyle Hall is her motive for insultin' 'im, what's the reason behind hittin' Atty? Far as I know, the two of 'em ain't ever had any contact nor issue... Curiouser and curiouser... It's like Micheal Graves IS the secret manager 'a LSM and is such an incompetent piece 'a butthurt shit over my words last hype cycle comparin' his failures to Fury's that his ass is showin' through the script he wrote for his client and 'er dumbass mama. I mean, why else would LSM of all people say somethin' like THIS in her first promo:

Pocha "Latina Said:"I’m going to open the show on a Warfare highlighted by some of the all-time greats like Jim Caedus, “Chronic” Chris Page, and Corey Smith- who I almost pinned! I was only half-a-second away! But anyways, I’m on the same card as these legendary names! That’s so cool!"

Chris Page? Who the fuck but BoB or a simp for BoB refers to Chris Page as an "all-time great"? Perhaps BoB underling Micheal Graves is that bad at hidin' his theoretical though very much lookin' likely involvement with Latina Submission Machina. LSM, a face, callin' one 'a the most despised heels in recent years one of the all-time greats? Seems my theory holds some serious weight. Especially when combined with all the other pieces to this elementary ass puzzle.


Elementary shit like this spoonful 'a refried ]

Quote:Following a short stint as the founder of a powerful at one time 6 gold strap holding stable in Ax3 and his first XWF Universal Title reign, Jim (with a 21 year history of being targeted by teammates) once again had been bludgeoned with backstabbery, solidifying what he already feared: in this business...there ARE no friends.

[color=#DDA0DD]I think they call that the ol’ Eobard Stone treatment….disappoint the team get a bludgeoning backstabbing.

No the only disappointment in Ax3 was Micheal Graves, the one of us who couldn't seem to win matches, but I kept 'im around anyway 'cause I felt sorry for 'im. Then for no reason whatsoever, durin' my Uni cage rematch with Blingsteen, the ever loyal Gravy interfered and cost me the win and my reclaimin' of the Universal Title. That's where the betrayal comes in. Funny, the elderly woman (with the 18 year old daughter) who knows so much about the XWF- name dropping Eobard Stone and Atara Themis as well as XWF events for example -overlooked all that? Huh... Again, this is somethin' that fits with the notorious rapist of minors, Micheal Graves, and what he'd say, he bein' the only person with any face to lose by accurately describin' the betrayal in Ax3 or even bringin' it up in the first place...somethin' extremely outta character for a rookie signee with no previous ties to the XWF to say, like Latina Submission Machina or her token comic relief pity-play mother.


And if I'm bein' honest, like I love to be, I gotta say the rest 'a LSM's personal assault don't really justify any response. Anyone can take dated material and twist shit around to insult someone, especially a baby dick piece 'a shit like Micheal Graves or an established liar like Latina Submission Machina.


The latter who focused the meat and potatoes of 'er actual promo on shin music. Makes me feel a lil' guilty for goin' in so hard on 'er when 'er entire "Primer Puñetazo" amounts to tongue-in-cheek threats and the lowest quality of insults.


You go right ahead and focus on the shins LSM, you got a 50/50 shot at causin' me a bit of pain- in an Xtreme Rules wrestling match, lulz -or gettin' gifted a no-sell after kickin' a steel enforced leg. In either case, I'll respond in kind by splittin' your skull from forehead to upper jaw with a single stiff Point Blank headbutt to the face then deliver the golpe nocaut with a Purgatory Punch.


For all your talent at mouthin' off, you've otherwise proven yourself to be anything BUT a contender, not only for the Xtreme Championship but for a man with the talent and credentials I possess. That ain't ego, that's just fact. I ain't the one walkin' around sayin' Jim Caedus is one 'a the all-time greats or legendary. I ain't the one that decided to put Jim Caedus on the Top 50 and I ain't the one who decided to kick the initial rankin' up to #6.


What I AM is a former Universal Champion with a tally sheet longer than your ridiculous bored racist whitebread-brainstormed ring name, a member of one 'a the greatest stables to ever exist in the XWF and YOUR current XWF Xtreme Champion.


I'm Jim fuckin' Caedus.


I'ma be the one who hits you so hard in the head your eyes pop outta the sockets and hang from the connective tissue so you can watch when I bury my foot up your cooze with one swift kick.


Bitch.


Staring silently at Jim. .................................For the love of God, Caedus.


XXXIXMXXXTXHXEXXXWXRXOXNXGXXXOXNXEXXX

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