A BOB Production logo is shown before the epic romantic comedy music begins to play, "SPEED DATING: The movie" appears on your screen, directed by Miss Fury.





Them No Good Bastards enter The Ritz-Carlton's dining area, located somewhere in New York. It has been transformed into a high-end speed dating set up.





Thunder Knuckles dressed to the nines, has with him a pack of Extra: Thunderstrike gum and roses. Bobby Bourbon also dressed up, has roses and a whole box of half-eaten chocolates.


I guess this is where we fucking divide and conquer, big guy.

Good luck, homie.

You too, mother fucker. We got this!


Them No Good Bastards fist bump and separate. As Thunder Knuckle begins his first date notices a stunningly beautiful brunette across the room. The woman he is with currently hasn't shut up but he's not listening to her. He's still looking at the women across the way. Nothing stands out about the women on the first date, she is irrelevant, and the date is over. Thunder Knuckles is sitting at a table with his second date. He's constantly looking over her to look at another woman, the same brunette that has captured his eye earlier. Thunder Knuckles's second date is an attractive woman in her mid-thirties, who is sitting in her seat patiently. She's wearing an eye-catching dress her blonde hair falls across the nape of her neck. This woman makes Thunder Knuckles take notice.


The woman wearing the eye-catching dress: Are those for me?


Thunder Knuckles looks at the roses, then back at the blonde woman, who remains in her seat. She's still trying to get Thunder Knuckles's attention.


TK: Fuck no. They’re for someone I like, goddamn it.


The woman wearing the eye-catching dress: Thank God this is over.

TK: I couldn't have said it better, bitch. By the way, you got some manly cheekbones. You should really get that fixed.


The buzzer goes off and Thunder Knuckles gathers his things and walks over to the next table. He quickly forgets all about the blonde women he was just talking to. Thunder Knuckles is about to begin his third date. This is where we catch up with Bobby Bourbon. This makes his third date. He hasn't given out his roses or his whole box of had eaten chocolates. This is where Bobby Bourbon meets Betsy Granger. Betsy walks up to Bobby's table and seems quite intoxicated.


BB: Here let me get that for you.


Bobby stands up and walks across the table, then pulls out Betsy's chair, like a true gentleman. She starts to sit down wobbly but Bobby Bourbon helps her to a seated position.


BB: Looks like you're having a wild night.


Betsy smiles friendly knowing she's with a nice man.


BG: I mostly come to these things for the free drinks. Not like I couldn't afford not free drinks.


Betsy says with a slur to her voice. Bobby Bourbon beamingly smiles at the beautiful woman, who sits in front of him. The camera fades to Atara Themis, not a day out of her early twenties, wearing the most elegant dress you've ever seen, stands to greet Thunder Knuckles with an outstretched hand. He sets the gum down and graciously shakes her hand.


Atty: Nice to meet you.

TK: Nice to fucking meet you too. Christ, you're fucking hot!

Atty: I’m Atara. Atara Themis.

TK: Thunder Knuckles.


They both smile genuinely and sit down. Thunder Knuckles hands her the flowers a pack of Extra: Thunderstrike Gum.


TK: These are for you.


She takes the gifts from Thunder Knuckles and smells the roses, they were freshly picked, the best money could buy.


Atty: Thank you. Wow. They're beautiful.


She sets the gifts down on the table. The clock on the wall begins its countdown from five minutes.


Atty: I’ve never encountered a Thunder Knuckles before. I mean a person with your name.


Atara uncontrollably blushes.


TK: Fucking likewise, you’re my first Atara. Which country does your name come from?


Atty: Greece.


Thunder Knuckles immediately thinks of all the good things Greece has given to this world. He's also thankful that one of their goddesses sits in front of him now. The camera is switched to Bobby Bourbon and Betsy Granger.


BG: Why did you come here? You don't seem like the type.

BB: I'm only here because my best friend thinks this is the best place to meet someone.


Bobby points over to Thunder Knuckles. Betsy looks to her left to see her friend Atara Themis.


BG: That's funny, your friend is with my friend, right now.


She said as she brushes the strands of long blonde flowing hair behind her ear, with her hand. The camera changes back to Thunder Knuckles and Atara Themis. Who still seem to still be enjoying one another company.


Atty: We’ve seen three people already and you decide to give me these gifts.


Atara gently nods towards Thunder Knuckles’s previous date.


Atty: What’s wrong with her? She’s very beautiful.


Thunder Knuckles looks over his shoulder and sees the uninspiring blonde that he had forgotten about because. Thunder Knuckles from the moment he saw her, his only real intention was to meet Atara.


TK: What her? She’s nice but, she’s like a five, and you’re an eleven. I rarely meet an eleven out of ten.


Atara's lips form an encouraging smile.


Atty: Thank you, Thunder Knuckles. Is physical attraction the only thing you care about?


Thunder Knuckles devilishly grins back at her.


TK: Well, I wouldn't say it was the only fucking thing.


Thunder Knuckles winks at Atara which makes her blush just slightly.


Atty: So, tell me. Why are you here?

TK: Same goddamn reason why you’re here, I fucking guess. To find fucking love. A goddamn companion. You know, a true to fucking form soul mate.

Atty: Well, I like to reserve judgment. Too many players these days. I’m just here because my friend dragged me along.


Atty points over to another table where Bobby Bourbon is sitting with Atara's friend, Betsy Granger.


Atty: That's Betsy.


Thunder Knuckles looks over and sees the stunningly beautiful woman with blonde hair flowing down her back like molten gold. She's sitting across from his tag team partner. They seem to be possessing a good time. Thunder Knuckles has never seen Bobby Bourbon be so happy before.


TK: Looks like they're hitting it off.

Atty: Yeah, she never looks that happy when doing this.

TK: Neither does he.


Thunder Knuckles knows he has a time limit and tries to get things back on track and off their individual friends.


TK: Do you believe in love at first sight?

Atty: Never. But my mother always says never say never. So, maybe.


Atara drinks what's left of her cocktail down. Then raises her glass to gain the attention of the waiter. The waiter approaches.


Waiter: Another?


The unimportant waiter takes the glass and places it on his tray.


Atty: Any cocktail will do as long as it’s a strong one.

TK: Yo, grab me another one while you're at it, dickface.


Thunder Knuckles gently smiles at Atara and she smiles back. Without a hitch, Thunder Knuckles says something that usually ends conversations.


TK: Do you like blow jobs or sex on the beach? I’m talking fucking cocktails of course.

Atty: As long as it’s strong and hard, I don’t care.

TK: I can make that work.


Trying to sway the conversation away from blow jobs and sex on the beach drinks.


TK: So what the fuck do you do for a living?

Atty: I’m an underwear model, wrestler, I do MMA, television star on splat tv. You?


Thunder Knuckles quickly lies and tries to be as clever as possible.


TK: I’m a private detective.

Atty: Whatever are the chances? What do you detect?


The very unattractive, hardly worth noting, waiter returns with their drinks. She takes it from him and sets it on the table. Atara looks over to the waiter.


Atty: Thank you.


Thunder Knuckles picks up his beer from the waiter's tray.


TK: I know!


Thunder Knuckles waves the waiter away.


TK: Usually jealous spouses who suspect their significant other sleeping around.

Atty: Tell me something interesting or unique about you.

TK: I’m an orphan. Left at the fire station.


Thunder Knuckles grabs his beer and takes a big gulp. He playfully smiles back at her. She affectionately smiles back. She too also takes a snip from her cocktail, and then another.


Atty: I was not expecting that. Tell me something nerdy.

TK: I’m not the fucking nerdy type. Although I’m told my dick has a fucking mind of its own.


Thunder Knuckles raises his eyebrows only for a millisecond.


TK: Don’t know if that counts?

Atty: I see.


The camera shifts from Atara Themis and Thunder Knuckles, back to Bobby Bourbon and Betsy Granger.


BG: So, tell me about yourself.

BB: Only assholes do that.


Betsy and Bobby smile at each other once more. the camera changes back to Thunder Knuckles and Atara.


TK: I’m enjoying our super quick date.

Atty: Ditto.


Atara and Thunder Knuckles both smile at each other, obviously enjoying each other company.


BB: What one of your favorite things to eat in the world?


Without hesitation and giddy, she answers.


BG: Burritos!

BB: Oh, I love burritos!


Bobby's smile couldn't be any larger. The two end up talking about food the entire time they're together until the end. The camera pans back to Thunder Knuckles and Atara.



TK: So, how about those digits?

Atty: Huh?

TK: Phone number. How about you give me your phone number.

Atty: Sure.


Atara takes out a pen and then writes down her digits onto a napkin. Thunder Knuckles then enters the digits into his phone and dials.


TK: I’ve never entered an Atara before. Digits into my phone that is.


Her phone rings. He hangs up. Fanny looks over at a large clock. The countdown is nearly finished.


Atara: We’ve got a minute left. Tell me quickly, do you have any hobbies or a bucket list?

TK: Sex. That’s a hobby, right?

Atty: What a surprise.

TK: Top of my fucking bucket list right now is to kiss Atara Themis.

Atty: Oh my.

TK: How about you? Do you have any hobbies or a bucket list?

Atty: Not really. I love flowers and gum. Thank you for the gifts.

TK: That gum has some serious fucking lasting time, for real! Seriously though, It’s made my fucking day putting a smile on your goddamn face.


Thunder Knuckles shoots an infectious smile as he drinks his beer.


Atty: Your smile has made my whole day. But anal will make my whole week.


Thunder Knuckles coughs and chokes on his beer. He's caught off guard and surprised by what she just said to him.


Atty: You okay? Seriously, do you not have any hobbies? Sports, board games, photography, anything?

TK: I’m fine thanks. You caught me off guard. Screenwriting is my hobby.

Atty: Interesting. What was your last story or are you currently working on something?

TK: Fuck it. I’m currently working on a pretty fucking clever idea. It’s a romantic comedy about a fucking vampire who is in love with a bitch who is deathly afraid of the dark.

Atty: Interesting. I look forward to seeing it someday. It sounds amazing!

TK: I’m just hoping people like the fucking story. That's if it ever gets made,


Thunder Knuckles shrugs effortlessly because none of this is real and made up solely to win over Atara's affection.


TK: I’ll be pretty fucking surprised.


The camera pivots from Thunder Knuckles and Atara Themis over to Betsy Granger and Bobby Bourbon.


BB: Looks like times up.

BG: that's sad I had a great time with you.

BB: It was my honor to have your company.


Bobby presses out his roses and Betsy graciously excepts them.


BG: Thank you.

BB: I'd give you the chocolates... But... I ate half of them.


Betsy is in stitches laughing.


BG: A half box of chocolates?

BB: No, more like, I ate half of each chocolate.



Betsy is laughing even harder now. As she settles her laughter she says,


BG: That's cute.

BB: I was hungry on the way over and... Well, I messed it up.

BG: It's okay I'll still take them.


Bobby hands over the whole box of half-eaten chocolates.


BB: Say, you're a little bit drunk. Maybe I could take you home and make sure you make it there alright. What do you say?

BG: I am pretty drunk...


Bobby looks down at the floor knowing he probably sounded like an idiot.


BG: Sure, I trust you.


Bobby Burbon stands up and walks across the table once more. He collects Betsy Granger's hand to help her up. The camera goes back to Thunder KNuckles and Atara for the final time.


Atty: Don’t wait too long to call.

TK: Ol' Thunder Knuckles doesn’t wait for happiness to fucking come to him. Ol' Thunder Knuckles grabs the goddamn opportunity with both fucking hands.

Atty: I think Atara likes Thunder Knuckles.

TK: And Ol' Thunder Knuckles likes Atara.


Thunder Knuckles leans in. The two of them then engage in a fierce and decidedly unvirginal kiss. That's when the buzzer signals and the date is technically over.


TK: You wouldn't want to fucking get out of here, would ya?


Atara Themis looks over at her friend Betsy Granger. Betsy looks to be leaving with Bobby Bourbon, as he puts her coat on for her.


Atty: You know what? That sounds like a great idea!


Atara Themis leaves with Thunder Knuckles and Besty Granger leaves with Bobby Bourbon. As the pairs are leaving Thunder Knuckles fist bumps, Bobby, as they walk near.





The next day Thunder Knuckles and Bobby Bourbon are in a dinner talking about their dates. A waitress approaches Bobby Bourbon and Thunder Knuckles's table. She places a cup of coffee in front of each man. Bourbon grins as he sips from the mug and boyishly smiles.


BB: This is some good ass coffee!

TK: Mmm. So good, not bad tasting at all! Oh, by the way, I fucking saw you leaving with that smoking hot blonde!

BB: Her name is Betsy Granger and she's a delight! We talked about everything: food, burritos, chocolate, and... food. She was a little tipsy so I took her home and made sure she made it there safely.


Thunder Knuckles's smile flickered across his face like a hologram, as he takes a drink of his coffee. Thunder Knuckles knows that Bobby Bourbon isn't a man to kiss and tell, even if there was something to tell.


BB: How was your date?

TK: Well, the date was pretty fucking fun, but the real fucking fun started at the kiss.


Thunder Knuckles cuts a mischievous smile and the credits roll.












































CREDITS






















Thunder Knuckles .......................................................................................................................................................................................................... Himself

























Atara Themis ..................................................................................................................................................................................................... Emily Didonato


























Bobby Bourbon ............................................................................................................................................................................................................... Himself


























Betsy Granger .......................................................................................................................................................................................................... Blake Lively


























Woman in eye-catching dress ................................................................................​................................................................................​........... Emma Stone


























Waiter .................................................................................................................................................................................................................. Ryan Reynolds




















































Post-Credit Scene.


Thunder Knuckles is perceived to be in the movie's editing room.


What the fuck do you mean? I can't believe they took out the hardcore sex scene! FUCK HOLLYWOOD!


The shot of Thunder Knuckles succumbs to the darkness that is the end of the film.