**Circles of Hell**

Them No Good Bastards arrive at the gates of Hell.


Well, you ready to do this?

Fuck, yeah. Unknown Soldier is coming home with us!


As Thunder Knuckles makes his bold statement the gates of Hell open and lead directly into the first circle of Hell. Limbo. Once inside the men notice a bunch of Vikings and Pagans no one is talking to one another.


Bo-


Once Thunder KNuckles tried to speak to Bobby Buobon, bobby’s face becomes a TV.


Well, that's fucking cool! Hell doesn’t seem too bad, honestly though, what’s everyone's fucking bitch?


The more Thunder Knuckles talks the longer the screen plays over Bobby’s face.


Fuck me! Oh, Jesus, make it stop!


Thunder Knuckles notices this is truly Hell. The TV’s playing over Bobby’s face is showing nothing but Centurion promos. Bobby notices the same thing but a little sooner. Bobby grabs Thunder KNuckles by the arm and leads him to the next circle of Hell. Lust. Once the two enter the second circle of Hell, Robbie Bourbon, is quick points out a few people.


Hey, that’s Whitney Collins!

Who?

You know!

The fuck if I do, Bobby. Just like that food network lady. I have no fucking clue who that is.

She was on season three of the Bad Girls Club. Oh, holy crap!

What now?

That’s Gia Allemand from the Bachelor.

Hey! I know that one but didn’t her NBA boyfriend find her dead?

Yeah, Ryan Andrson... I keep forgetting we’re in Hell.

What’s the next circle of Hell that we have to go through? So far it hasn’t been that bad. No fucking demons and shit. This is like taking BigD’s xbux!


Robbie thinks about the question Thunder Knuckles had asked.

This one is going to be tough...

Fuck it can’t be worse than this all these fucking ladies and dudes who are just air humping. It's weirding me the fuck out. It’s like they can’t do anything it’s… Just fucking weird.


They finally make it to the end of the Lust circle of Hell. Once entering Gluttony the smell of porterhouse steaks fried onions and deep-fried eggplant fell the air, as icy rain and slush pour down, on our two Heaven sent messengers of God, try to press on. This is a struggle of Bobby he sees his people, not just the normal people who love Bobby, but his fellow foodies. As they try to go off and grab food something bad always happens. One man tried to go after a pack of Wrigley’s Thunder Strike gum, most likely due to the fact, the flavor lasts such a long time. That man's arm was burned off. Thunder Knuckles witnesses the fact that the man’s arm, looks to be slowly and painfully growing back.


Bobby starts to reach as Thunder Knuckles tries to warn Bobby.


N-


Thunder Knuckles dives on Bobby Bourbon.


Bobby, you can’t fucking grab anything here, man.

Why not it looks so good. It’s just floating in midair. Look! Air Fried Chicken that’s what I wanted to eat before I died!


Bobby starts to reach out but Thunder Knuckles slaps Bobby’s hand.


No! Goddamn, it! I swear to fuck Bobby we don’t have time for your arm to be burned off and wait for it to grow back looks at these poor tourchered mother fuckers watch what happens when they reach for the food.


Bobby starts to witness what's happening but the smell. The smell makes Bobby almost taste the food in his mouth. Bobby starts to reach again, and again, Thunder Knuckles smacks his hand.


Oh, for fucks sake! I have an idea. How about you cover your fucking nose and I’ll just on your back.


Ha! That’s funny because that's what Doc-

Fuck that! We’ll get to that later.


Anyway, I’ll Jump on your back and cover your eye and I’ll instruct us through this mother fucker. We don’t have time to waste!


Thunder Knuckles climbs on Bobby’s back and begins to instruct to Bobby where to walk. Thunder Knuckles’s confusion between left and right cause Bobby to fall a couple of time but the two men make it to the end of Gluttony.


Fuck yeah!-


Thunder Knuckles smack Bobby’s arm.


Come on, man, focus! What’s the next circle?


Bobby wastes no time grabbing Thunder Knuckles in a giant bear hug.


Woah! What the fuck mother fucker we’re on the same team!

Calm down, Relax. This next circle I’m just going to run thought like a juggernaut you protected me against myself. Now, I’m going to return the favor.


Bobby kicks the door in on the next circle of Hell. Greed. As the door flies open XBUX start shooting outdoor. Thunder Knuckles's eyes dilate. Luckily Bobby was quick on his feet and had ahold of Thunder Knuckles so tight Thunder KNuckles couldn’t move his arms to try and grab the currency from the air. However, this didn’t stop Thunder Knuckles from trying to bite the money from the air, never once catching one.


Nevermind about what I said about fucking Limbo… This has got to be fucking worse. Come on Bobby just let me grab some!


No.


Bobby Bourbon squeezes his grasp on his bear hug harder as Thunder Knuckles tries thrashing to break loose.


You helped me! I’m going to help you!

This is fucking bullshit, Bobby!

Say that to the porterhouse steak!

Fucking fine! Hurry up and get us the fuck out of here! This is worse than The Disappointments’s last promos!

They were pretty bad weren’t they, everything to say, and nothing at all.

It’s a goddamn shame! Like-


Thunder Knuckles says as he’s trying to bite currency from the air.


-trying-


Thunder Knuckles, still trying to bite the currency.


-to-





-grab-


Bobby wrenches that bear hug in harder. Bobby knows that Thunder Knuckles is trying to still grab the xbux from the air with his mouth.


Fuck Bobby! That fucking hurts!

You’ll be fine! quit trying damn it!


Finally, Bobby makes it to the next door. Bobby Bourbon doesn’t stop moving his legs, however, and both men crash through the door, both men fall to the ground in a heap. Bobby Bourbon being the first man back to his feet explains to Thunder Knuckles which circle of Hell, they are in. It’s so loud in this circle of Hell, it’s hard to hear.


Anger!

What?!

We’re in the Angry circle of Hell!


Thunder Knuckles looks around and notices that this area of Hell is full of the dickheads. You know, like the people in line at Starbucks that starts yelling at the barista, a who’s working as hard as he can, but they’re too busy for a two-man staff.


This place is fucking awful!


Bobby looks around and notices another group of scum. Road rage drivers.


Yeah! Let’s get out of here!


The Lord's workers continue on their linear path until Thunder Knuckles notices a man who is literally yelling at the sky. Thunder Knuckles smacks Bobby’s should to get his attention.


No fucking way, is that?

Oh, shit! It is!


Both men in together exclaim the name.


Shane Carver!

Who knew he was fucking dead?!

Not me!

Oh, well, keep moving! There’s nothing we can do anything for the stupid mother fucker!


Bobby nods his head in agreement and they continue on till they reach the next door.


Which is it, Bobby?!

It’s Heresy! Should be a walk in the park!


Thunder Knuckles opens the door and they walk through into the sixth circle of Hell. People are entombed here in flaming crypts.


This place is pretty old school, isn't it?

Fuck yeah, it is! Real Gloom and fucking doom. Why the fuck does, The Left Hand love this fucking place so much?

Who knows?


As the men move along to the seventh circle of Hell. They see several former United States Presidents, Oscar Wilde, Walt Whitman, and George Carlin.


Aw, they got fucking Carlin! That fucking sucks!


The son of man’s, two-man hit squad, reach the seventh door. Bobby looks over at Thunder Knuckles.


This one is going to be one of the hardest, Thunder Knuckles. Are you ready?

After everything, we’ve already gone through? Are you fucking serious?! Let’s fucking go!

**Preach**

See, this is normally where I come in hard and heavy on my opponents but honestly going up against this worthless tag team in The Disappointments just take the air out of your fucking sails, man.

You can power through it, Thunder Knuckles. Just point out what they said about us.

Fine. Where to start?

Start with Marf. Like how he said BOB is piggybacking off the Left Hand’s success.

More like fucking suckiness. We ran off all the fucking heroes before they got here, making it too easy. Now we got these shitty little fucking cultists walking around. This guy even tried to bash on BOB's ties to RMI, come off it will ya? BOB’s whole involvement with RMI is pretty fucking cut and dry. They sign the checks and we cash them. All we’re supposed to do is fuck with these fucking makeup-wearing nerds. It’s not our fault they’re too fucking stupid to get paid. I fucking bet they all sign their checks over to Baph too, all those cults are the same, man, just like the Ministry of FUN!

I still can’t believe you drank the Kool-Aid.


Thunder Knuckles has an extremely cocky smile.


We’ll get to that Bobby, we’ll get to it. Check this out though, Bobby. Ol’ Thunder Knuckles had a full breakfast the morning before we died.

Oh, yeah?

Fuck, yeah, I did!


Thunder Knuckles looks into the camera off to the side.


See what I did there, Barf, you fuck-wit? If you didn’t you’re not as smart as you think you are. Speaking about not being smart. Your whole fucking group of abortion mistakes acts like Ol’ Thunder Knuckles has been around forever.


Bobby Bourbon begins to laugh which draws a smile from Thunder Knuckles.


While I think it’s fucking cute that your ragtag bunch of satanic cuck-lords think I’ve been here forever. You’d be dead ass wrong much like your tag partner but we’ll get to that long-winded bitch later. I’m going to take this time and educate you simple-minded mother fuckers. I debuted at Relentless 2019. Before that, I was just some dude who watched XWF on Television. Yep, before Jimmy talked me into getting into the ring, I was unemployed. He was working as a bag boy and some fucker in the parking lot tried ripping Ol’ Thunder Knuckles off. Yeah, I know right? Fucking stupid! Jimmy saw me deliver the Thunder Strike to that poor fuck and from there the rest is history. Which is something I did within my first year here. Hashbrown Legend1Year.

I think it’s called “hashtag”, Thunder Knuckles, but I sure could go for some hash browns, right now. Oh, ham, and bacon. Oh, God, bacon. Spare ribs. We have to find, Unknown Soldier, and get back! The third circle of Hell was rough!


You right, Bobby, my bad and we’ll get back in enough time to train Barney and take care of those college dick heads. Hashtag Legend1Year. You know what, Bobby? I’m done talking about this goddamned mongoloid mother fucker. Hopefully, he fucking learned something.

You might as well talk about his tag team partner then.

Do we have to?

While I feel the same way, we have to, so let’s just get it over with.

Fine, let’s fucking begin with the fact this bitch called Corey a twink. Now it’s not normally on me to defend my fucking opponents but this has got to stop. I mean, stop right the fuck now! It’s 2021 you fucking ignorant cunt. You just can’t walk around calling, mother fuckers, twinks, and shit. I mean, for fucks sake, not even I come hot off the fucking presses with that shit. I’m 36 years old much like you degenerate fucks, worshiping Satan with your uniforms distributed by Hot Topic, homosexuals, though they don’t have a uniform, are a minority. Peter Gilmour was booted from this company for such fucking talk, and you need to watch your tongue before you’re cast-off to Banishment Island, chained to a fucking lonely palm tree.


Bobby Bourbon bellows out a hearty laugh.


In fact, I'm just going to do a checklist on this bitch and see what she knows considering her partner is a fucking idiot and this whole squad is a bunch of mindless drones. Let’s just fucking see what she said, I’d say.

Sounds fun, let’er rip.

First, she hit me with the Fucking goths. Err wrong.

Second, fucking not as good as BOB. Err wrong, but now that you mention it, you did kind of joined the wrong group of baddies. I mean, when the Left Hand is gone and as long as we’re at odds. You fucking dumbasses don’t stand a snowball's chance, well, here, In Hell.

Third, fucking beat Geri. Err wrong. Like that was ever going to be debated. If this was the great American sport of baseball, this bitch would be fucking out.

Fourth, her track record. Err wrong. Everyone knows you’re a fucking loser.

Fifth, fucking BOB is the real deal. Err wrong. Just stepping on your own toes now, repeating yourself off jump street, You’re whole-ass promo was the best marketing tool to join BOB I've ever witnessed! Why join The Left Hand and be a follower when you can #JoinUsBob and be your own goddamn person. Think before you talk you fucking homophobic twat.

Now, you did nail the obscenities and the fact that Them No Good Bastards are going to win. I’m so fucking proud of you! Out of seven tries, she got two right!

Then we got this fucking gem of goddamn higher learning. In not so many fucking words you said Ol’ Thunder Knuckles would say the same thing about the Doctor and Corey.


Thunder Knuckles shakes his head in displeasure.


You and your whole fucking group don’t know shit or take the time to learn shit, but you sure want to be pushed into matches that you simply are out fucking gunned in. What else does this Instagram, clickbait, bitch have left in the tank?

Oh, yeah! You said I’d say, You’re not worth Ol’ Thunder Knuckles’s fucking time.


Thunder Knuckles smiles knowing she’s right. That she, and her partner, are not worth his time.

Now that you mention it, Ol’ Thunder Knuckles has wasted enough time on you. Plus, I'm fucking sick and goddamned tired of picking on the low hanging fruit.



Thunder Knuckles pulls out his Left Hand Bingo Score Sheet™ and makes a mark.





Great segway, Thunder Knuckles.

Thanks, man.

Next up-


Thunder Knuckles cuts Bobby Bourbon off and pats him on the shoulder as if to say, I got this.


You see, Corey, this is why this is the worst version of you. After you come back you watch just enough tape to think you know what you’re talking about. Then you just stopwatch all together. The world didn’t just stand still while you were gone and much like these Left Hand idiots you need to be educated, as well.


Thunder Knuckles smiles knowing Corey doesn’t believe him for one second.


See at War Games, you know, while you were off licking your wounds from the beating the Engineer received at the hands of Warstein’s cash in. Ol’ Thunder Knuckles was abducted by a cult! Yeah, crazy shit, right? Anyway, much like Baph has corrupted the minds of the Disappointments, This cult fooled me into drinking the Kool-Aid.

Ah! The Kool-Aid story! You said we’d come back to this.

Goddamn right, I did Bobby. This weird-ass Bartholomew dude kept calling me the chosen one. Long story short, Ol’ Thunder Knuckles stood in front of the Lamb of God, The Word, The fucking Almighty!


Thunder Knuckles would up his arms to summon the power of Christ.


He then told Ol’ Thunder Knuckles about the thirteenth commandment. Thou shalt not sell out teammates. All I had to do, to get back to my body, was follow that one commandment. Pretty fucking simple and straight forward. So, unlike Grandma Lemon Tits, you don’t get to pay to walk out the winner of this one, you little punk ass bitch. I mean, you obviously watched the tapes, even your weak mind knows that the XBUX were the only reason, she got to walk out the winner. That’s no joke. So, why don’t you just, EXE. the fuck out, so we can have a real fight?

Thunder Knuckles says while brushing off his shoulder.


Know what’s more contagious than some random virus, kid-o? The word of Christ. Get with the program. Get it? The program.


Thunder Knuckles fakes twitching and over dramatically saying,


EXE., EXE., EXE..


Until finally, he stops, gives the finger to the camera. Thunder Knuckles is still only taking Corey as seriously as he’s taking this match.


Now it’s time for half of the tag team champions, Doctor Louis D’ville! You know what he didn’t talk too much shit, Bobby.

Well, it’s because Doc isn’t taking you seriously.

Wait, what?

Well, in doing so he’s deemed you insignificant. Actually, he said you were a .5, not even a whole digit.

Wait, wait, wait, this mother fucking Geritol eating, mall sitting mother fucker, thinks I'm dragging you down, Bobby?

That’s what he said. Not me.

Well, I'm calling bullshit on that, right now! Oh, mother fucker, you think I’m insignificant, a fucking .5 to a whole-ass number, and riding Bobby Bourbon’s coattails to the top? For someone with a PhD., that's pretty fucking stupid. I’ve built a career out of defying the odds. Do you think anyone thought Ol’ Thunder Knuckles was gonna beat Noah Jackson? The answer to that is fuck no! Do you think they expected to win back my Television Title from Chronic Chris Page? You know him, the very man who beat the boy. Well, the answer to that is very similar, fuck-to-the-goddamn no!


Thunder Knuckles shakes his head as if to say, okay, cool.


Look here, you creepy eyed, fuck. Do you think Ol’ Thunder Knuckles isn’t game enough? Think I can't be dark, creepy, and the scariest mother fucking thing that invades nightmares?


Thunder Knuckles looks up into the darkened skies of Hell. He’s hoping Todd knows what to do.























































When you wake up from your nightmare Doc, and those tag straps are missing from around YOUR waist. I want you to remember that scary face, ya old fuck. Remember that if it wasn’t for that face, and the fact your actual partner was too worried about HIS title and not YOURS, you’d still be tag champions. .5, shake my damn head, you saddled yourself with a negative one and want to talk numbers.

No matter how you slice it or dice it, Them No Good Bastards are walking out of Lambeau Stadium the XWF Tag Team Champions. We DID NOT come here to contend, or have a good fucking showing, that's what The goddamn Disappointments are here to do. No, we’re here to Bludgeon Obsolete Bitches! Doesn’t matter if we have to hit’em with Chairs. Beat them with ladders. Hell, set a fucking table on fire and put their asses through them. We’re going to do what we do best. Beat Odds Baby! You thought you were coming here to feed, Doc.


Too bad you didn’t know that you were the one on the menu.