The sound of wind smacking against a windshield of a red convertible car opens the scene. The camera slowly pans from the front of the car and down to reveal the driver, with cans of Labatt Blue littering the seats around him, Johnny Legend sits there wearing a a bright yellow Hawaiian shirt and cheap sunglasses. His head bobs around, as the car swerves left to right, luckily on an empty highway. A few cans of Labatt Blue litter the seats around him, which explains the sloppy driving.
Johnny passes a sign that welcomes people coming into Montgomery, Alabama.
"Finally..." Johnny hiccups, ".. made it."
He pulls over to the side of the road. The clouds beyond him are dark and angry. Johnny raises his sunglasses to the top of his head and let them rest there while keeping his focus on the storm ahead.
CLICK
Johnny opens the door to get get out and stretch his legs. A few cars pass by here and there but stays pretty silent; enough for Johnny Legend to have a little conversation with himself.
"Alright. Gotta find somewhere to park and crash for the day." Johnny mentions to himself, "I'm not gonna pay for some shit motel in these times."
Sweat rolling down his forehead, Johnny wipes some of it off and up to slick his hair back.
BAAAARING BAAARRRING
A cheap ringtone cries out of the back pocket in Johnny Legend's pants. He reaches behind him and takes out the slippery flip phone to answer, "Hello?"
"Hey... It's Jessie."
"JESSIE! YOU BITCH! YOU WERE SUPPOSE TO DRIVE ME TO ALABAMA!" Johnny yells into the phone.
"..."
Heavy breathing from Johnny is the only sound, until, "You done?" Jessie asks a belligerent Johnny Legend.
Johnny doesn't reply, but this doesn't stop Jessie, "Andrew needed me for some stuff while he trains for his match in Alpha Pro."
"ANDREW BARNES!?" Johnny spits out the name of his nephew, "That fucker can get his own shit!"
"But.."
Johnny cuts her off, "I DON'T CARE!"
"I have a match to you know!? I have to go up against this Hanari Carnes blockhead! And I really need those diapers on this drive." Johnny peels off the back of his pants from his ass, due to sitting in a convertible all day in the hot weather.
Jessie sighs on the other end, "Yeah.. I know. Sorry about that."
"Say that to these poor pants. All squishy and all." Johnny wiggles a bit to let some air in his pants.
"SORRY! HOW.." Jessie was about to finish her apology, but Johnny was having none of it by hanging up on her.
"I don't need.. Wha.. What's the noise?" Johnny hears some music from the distance and over a hill.
"Pretty groovy.." The beat starts to take Johnny Legend, as he taps his right foot, which progresses into his hips swaying a bit. "What's going on over there?" He wonders as he makes his way over to the music.
Having some trouble getting over the hill, which he could've just made his way around, Johnny stumbles up the hill and to the top. His eyes widen to the sight of a group of people dancing out in the middle of nowhere. "What the fuck is going on here?" Johnny gently makes his way down the hill and towards the group of dancing freaks.
They don't even notice him as they continue to spin, twirl, flip- whatever the kids do these days. Johnny notices one that keeps spinning on her head. "I think I'm gonna be sick." Johnny tries to keep up with the spinning dancer, but his eyes can't keep up and makes him dizzy just staring at her.
"GO! GO! GO!" A couple of kids, wearing red tracksuits and gold chains cheer on the girl spinning on her head.
Johnny walks over to the kids, "What are you guys doing out here? This isn't very Alabama of you."
Everyone stops. Even the music. They stare at Johnny Legend, his belly hanging under the Hawaiian shirt and hair all over the place. "Who dis clown?" One of the kids asks the other. They shrug, the music starts up again and they go back to dancing.
Shock. Johnny Legend's jaw drops.
"Disrespect me!? You and your... Your... JAMMING GANG!!" Johnny yells, his face turning bright red. He pushes the girl who was still spinning to the ground. The kids rush to her, "WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM!?" One of them yells back at Johnny.
Johnny points to the group of kids, "Watch AND learn, blockheads." With that, Johnny begins to dance... Badly.
Like... Really bad.
Sweat flies off him as he tries to do some half-ass spins on the cardboard one of the kids set up. It smacks in the faces on some of the kids.
"No... ow.." Johnny coughs up, huffing in air, trying not to pass out from all the spinning himself.
"The pièce de résistance!" Johnny says without looking the word up on his phone.
Johnny points to the sky and attempts a back flip with a twist in the middle. Obviously, due to sitting on his ass and eating Doritos all day. Johnny Legend is no special person. And trying to do a back flip... When he has never done one before? Well...
CRUNCH!
He falls smack down right on his back. The kids start laughing their stupid little asses off, as Johnny grabs his back and screams out, "FUCK!!!!"
"I JUST GOT OVER THE PAIN FROM LOGAN!" Johnny shrieks.
A kid points and laughs at Johnny, "YOU HEAR THAT! HIS BOYFRIEND FUCKED HIS BACK UP FROM BUTT FUCKING HIM!"
"NO.. FUCK... SHUT UP!" Johnny attempts to get up and attack the child, but the pain is too much and he drops back down. Johnny, knowing that he can't do anything with this generation, starts to crawl away from the children.
"HE'S TRYING TO GET AWAY!"
"HUH!?" Johnny lifts his head up with worry.
The stupid song continues to play in the background as the kids smile at Johnny, who slowly turns his head away and hope he can crawl faster than their little legs.
"GET HIM!" They scream in unison and rush over to the crawling ball of lard known as Johnny Legend.
"OH GOD! HEL!"
Well... I'm dead.
The kids killed me.
Now you can't beat me, Hanari.
Sorry.
...
Alright.. I'm not dead.
They did whoop my ass, but I swear I thought I could land that back flip!
I mean, I'm JOHNNY LEGEND!
A couple of kids won't end this career. My back, though. That's a different subject.
You see, my back hurts so much, Hanari. It hurts because it knows that I'm going to be carrying this match.
I don't even think you're taking it seriously! This whole time and NOTHING! You had plenty of chances to mock me about Logan... NOPE! I'm Hanari.. I'm so cool. I have monies and probably don't have to pay for sex. LOOK AT ME!
You sit in your big houses. Drinking your expensive liquor. Laughing at people like me! People who made this business!
Wrestlers these days can't talk smack. They just spew the same garbage over and over again. I bet Hanari is thinking of ways to make fun of my last name? LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!
"Oh look, Johnny Legend has Legend in his name! I'm just gonna be a lazy shit and say he's no legend. Say his last name is a joke... Or I'll just say I'm a Legend killer! THAT'LL PLEASE THE CROWD!"
FUCKING BLOCKHEADS!
You think all that matters to me!
Well.. IT DOES!
Like I said, I have worked my ass off in this business. The business of making every one of your stupid little federations look good. In an ocean of witty douches in suits... I STAND OUT! Also, I already went through that phase. It's like, the starter kit for being a heel. It's not hard to point at someone and call them names, or say they don't mean shit.
PLAYED OUT!
You try looking like this and still be able to hang with the superstars of today. I know my record here will be shit because I'm a joke and no one remembers me.
WHO CARES!
It's best people think that. Let them look at me like I'm no danger. PERFECT! I want that! I want everyone here to witness this pile of shit winning your little gold titles. Make the roster riot over a single loss against Johnny Legend.
I WANT THAT!
Nothing gets me off more than a roster of egomaniacs thinking they are above everyone.
I'm hoping this happens to you, Hanari. I'm gonna jam whatever I can into that pretty little mouth of yours. Shut you up. Shut those tender lips up by shoving my MEATY hand down your throat. THAT'S WHAT!
And now that Jessie forgot my diapers... I'm gonna make sure it stays wet down there for you, Hanari. It's time to smell the ass of a working man. Not some rich little dandy.
...
Or I get my ass kicked.. Either way.
I GET PAID!
The KING of static televisions in promos and god dammit this sig is off-center!
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