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Shawn Warstein · (01-29-2020)

Immediately After Noah’s promo the camera cuts the ME! Surprise.

“Aww look at him sleeping like an angry little angel.”

I pick up both of Noah’s titles and place them in the locker. I grab a towel and toss it over him as a makeshift blanket.

“Now what was he going on about? That’s right. Hard work. You see Noah and I just did what most people would call impossible. We had our back firmly planted against the wall, and wouldn’t you know….”

I drop my shoulders and wince in pain.

“We came out one the other side only slightly scathed. Yet here we both are moving on to the next city, the next show, all for the fans.”

Noah rolls over and audibly groans in pain.

“Shut up you cunt! Can’t you see I’m dying over here?”

“You’re not dying. Rub some dirt on it, you’ll be fine.”

“That sounds unhygienic…”

“Probably.”

Noah grumbles and once again is out like a light.

“Where was I? Oh yeah the fans. The fans pay to see the best of the best. Night in and night out. Well we knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but here we are ready for Anarchy. Noah going against two door knobs, and I’m going against a guy who is best friends with a toilet bowl.”

I shake my head in shame.

“Yet now I’ve got to get hammered just to fight? Just to keep my own title around my waist? That seems a little fishy to me. Noah what do you think.”

“Piss off…. I’m dead here remember?”

“Right, how inconsiderate of me. Either way. I get to face Boris in a match destined for him to come out on top. There’s no way any normal person with more than two brain cells can function on that much alcohol in their system. But since Boris doesn’t have any brain cells left to speak of, I’m already behind.”

I begin to rub my chin and the quickly point upwards with an idea.

“I know I’ll just simply choose a lower proof of alcohol and while Boris eventually passes out I should have enough wherewithal to make the pin. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’ve been fucked up in the ring before, just never drunk. High off of my ass, you betcha. Yet even when I was high I never once felt like I was out of control.”

I bend over and pick up the X-Treme title and hoist it on my shoulder. I do the same with the Tag Team Title over the other shoulder. Finally I pick up the briefcase and hold it to my side.

“Boris, you don’t get all of this by being out of control. You don’t make Vinnifred Lane eat his words… and what were those words again? Oh yes I remember now, if you guys were so good you’d be draped in gold already. Well Oprah Vinfrey How do we look now? It wasn’t that bad before, but now two people hold three fifths of the Major titles here, and you’re going to send me right into Boris?”

I get a shit eating grin on my face.

“Okay, that makes sense, so what has to happen now? The deck, yes I already talked about it but this time it seems it’s just for me. First off Boris was born with a BAC above the legal limit. Secondly when I’m out there anyone at anytime can take advantage of me being in an inebriated state. I’m not worried about Boris beating me, I’m worried about everyone else. I’ve set goals for myself and you are trying to ruin them.”

I take a deep sigh.

“But I must endure. Boris while you’ve done nothing of note here in the XWF, as you can tell by the shimmer in the camera I’ve done a fair bit more. Hell I’ve got a car that’s undefeated in the ring, and as of this recording a title. A Subaru is more prolific than you here, and if you think that for one fucking second that I’m going to allow you the “slightest” chance at walking out with MY title, you are sadly mistaken. I haven’t held this title this long for some backwater drunk come along and steal it from me.”

I nod with a stern look on my face.

“And that’s what it would be, theft. There is no way on this earth you could beat me. Short of an act from god, you and I are not in the same league. I’m seriously considering leaving this fucking brand. I get matched with people who don’t deserve to be in the same ring as me on a weekly basis. Then when I wanted a shot at the Anarchy title I get told no. Now Barney is fighting for it? This show is a goddamn joke. The only people that made it watchable were Sarah, Noah, Ruby and Myself. Sarah’s gone, and I’m pretty sure I’m not long for this garbage truck on fire.”

I give Noah a slight kick to wake him up, but there was only a minor grunt.

“Well take a good look at me people. This might be the last time you see me in an Anarchy ring. Two titles and one briefcase will walk out of those doors never to return.”

I reach over to the table and grab a bottle of vodka. I twist the top off as it clings on the ground.

“Better start the celebration now…”

I take a deep swig from the bottle. I fight it down and look at Noah and shake my head.

“At least this vodka will help numb the pain from the Helldome. It hurts all over, it was a dumb idea that worked out in the end…”

I take another large swig from the bottle as the camera fades to black.

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