Robbie Bourbon and Leroy, a boy recently discovered to be bulletproof like Robbie, stand alone among the corpses of five North Korean agents, the unconscious body of their commander, and the corpse of a krampus, otherwise known as some kind of demon that shows up around the holidays to eat kids or some such according to a pair of Wiccan children. The snow falls heavily still, and the headlights of a huge pickup truck with a Confederate Flag flying from the bed illuminate both Robbie and Leroy.

The driver side door of the truck flies open, and to everybody's wonder, we see Axe Mannix, axe man on Xanax, step out of the vehicle. His red and white bobble hat jiggles ever so slightly as we see an axe, almost matching Robbie's save the blood and gore dripping on it from a fresh round of kills. Robbie grins and walks up to Mannix.

Hey! Long time no see! Good of you to come!

I hate myself.

Axe Mannix looks depleted.

Is that why you have that flag?

Huh?

Axe looks over his shoulder.

Oh. No, I borrowed the truck from my brother-in-law, Dennis.

So your sister married a redneck?

No, my brother. It's not recognized by the state of Virginia, but Dennis is a pure southern gentleman who waves the flag out of reverence to his daddy, not hatred of anybody.

Oh, so he's a gay redneck.

Very.

Well, I don't cotton to that flag.

I hate it.

Leroy pulls the flag down from the back of the truck. He tosses it into the snow.

Hey, that's, oh, what's the point.

Axe sits down in the snow, cross legged, looking gloomily at his axe.

You didn't take your meds today, did you.

No. I couldn't be bothered.

So you just didn't feel like feeling alright?

Nope.

Robbie rolls his eyes and walks around Axe to the truck and turns the key, killing the engine. Not literally, like krampus or the North Koreans, but figuratively, like killing the lights. As he does, we hear a zipper, and the camera turns to see Leroy from behind, the classy no nudity shot of someone with some nudity going on, pissing on the rebel flag. Axe starts to sob.

Yo, that's no way to spell your name in the snow!

The stream of urine ends and Leroy zips up, his back to the camera, then turns.

I spelled Leroy all over that flag, though.

Well, heh, you sure did.

Robbie walks over and beckons for Leroy to turn. As Leroy does, Robbie pulls his member out and starts to relieve himself on the rebel flag in the snow.

I guess we'll do a collab and get this done right.

Leroy shrugs, his expression simple but happy. He walks over to the downed North Koreans and picks up a pair of uzis. Robbie notices.

Hey, be careful with those. You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

No I won't.

Heh.

Robbie blinks hard as he puts his pecker back in his pants, thoroughly finished with pissing on the rebel flag. Axe Mannix curls up in a little ball on the ground, hugging his axe.

Oh this is horrible.

Hushabee.

Robbie opens the truck again and rifles around inside. He pulls out a bottle of pills.

Here, take this.

I don't wanna.

You don't know that until you took one.

Nah uh.

Yeah huh.

Look, man, take your medicine. It'll make you better.

Axe looks at Leroy with teary eyes.

Okay.

Axe takes the bottle of pills and takes a Xanax. The tune from Popeye that happens whenever Popeye eats spinach...


...happens, and in a flash Axe is on his feet, fit and fresh, chipper and grinning.

Thanks!

No problem.

Well, how long have you known?

That I'm bipolar? Probably since I was thirteen.

No, doofus, I was talking to Leroy.

Known what?

That you were bulletproof.

Since I was five. There was a shooting, my dad...

Leroy looks down.

Shit, I'm sorry Leroy. Do you remember how it happened?

How I got this way?

Yeah.

No.

Huh. We should go talk to someone about that.

Who?

An old friend of mine. If they're still alive. Did some experiments around nine years ago, I was one of the subjects. I believe...

Robbie looks at Leroy.

I believe someone gave you a gift around the same time I got mine.

As Robbie says this, a sickly hissing sound comes from the ground where the pissed on rebel flag set.

Oh shit, what's that?

I dunno, sounds like Bob Main sucking the air out of the room like he sucks sperm from the urethra of a one-eyed baboon!

It sounds like Bob Main blowing like he blows birthday clowns for leftover balloon animals.

It sounds like Bob Main's asshole after whoring himself out to a Louisville Slugger and a whole crate of Magnum Brontosaurus ™ dildo-buttplugs at a Chili's for a second helping of rice with his burger.

It sounds like yet another Bob Main promo where he repeats himself ad nauseum. Make like the High Holy Hypocrite, kid, and come up with something fresh.

Now I would dabble in how Bob whores himself out in not-gay-ways, but, well, he doesn't. No woman in their right mind wants to touch Bob, who knows what shit he picked up from Jim Caedus...

Robbie, Leroy, and Axe each retch.

Sorry. But at least Jimbo FINALLY showed all of us what him and Bob meant whenever they brought up a "shitty youtube promo". Yikes. How about we leave playing with videos to those of us who are actually talented, guy. No reason to tax my gig.

As Robbie finishes, we see a figure emerge from the pissed on rebel flag. It rises stoically, clad in a gray Confederate Army uniform.

Holy shit, it's Stonewall Jackson!

NO! I AM THE VAMPIRE WEREWOLF MUMMY FRANKENSTEIN STONEWALL JACKSON!

Stonewall Jackson bares his teeth, showing fangs. As he does, fur begins to cover his whole body, followed by bandages covering his whole body, then he sprouts a couple of bolts from his neck, each going 'boing' when they pop out. His gray Confederate Civil War hat stays tidy atop his head.

Shit!

THAT'S RIGHT! NOW I'M GOING TO GO TO HEAVEN AND KILL JESUS AND BECOME SANTA!

As this is said, we hear the telltale report of a pair of uzis, and a hail of bullets mow through the vampire werewolf mummy Frankenstein Stonewall Jackson. Its face twisted in terror, it along with Robbie and Axe Mannix turn to look at Leroy, who is holding said pair of uzis as the words "NEW BOURBON MAN ALERT: IT'S A NINE-YEAR-OLD WITH A GUN THIS TIME" scroll across the bottom of your screen. Robbie turns to Leroy, and both exchange a wide-eyed look of wonder and glee.

Nice shootin' kid, don't get cocky.