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Travis McCoy · (04-06-2016)

Travis watches the Union form.

He doesn't give a fuck.

He eats a sandwich.

It's a really good sandwich.

He strokes his beard which he cleans and brushes often.

He still doesn't give a fuck about the Union.

He tries really hard to care but he just can't

He decides to stop trying

He's a happy man.

Story over.

Now onto the real stuff.

“We're just making stuff up now eh? We say things about our opponent and they're fact? I was not aware those were the rules. I've been trying way too hard! See I've put time and thought into my promos when I could of just been spewing gibberish.

Scully has no penis and an empty nutless scrotum that flaps in the wind like the Union Jack.

His mother likes when my beard tickles her inner thighs.

Scully was born in Washington DC. Tush knows, but has agreed to keep it secret as long as Scully doesn't grow facial hair. So when Tush closes his eyes it feels like a woman is blowing him.

It's totally true.

I just made it up but it's fact because we're playing by Scully's rules now.

Holy fuck this is easy.

I'm very proud of you buddy. You went and checked out my roster page. You think I'd put my family history out there if I gave two shits what people thought of it? I mean, honestly dude, I come from a family of losers and I broadcast that shit. You haven't found a chink in my armor. You read a billboard I put up and think you're some grand sleuth. DEDUCTION my dear boy! You smirk and giggle your way through it like you're some brilliant wordsmith. Honestly, it sounds like you read my roster page verbatim and added some insults. You mystery science theater'd my background, and you didn't even do it well. You ever see eight mile? It's about a white boy who raps, uh, your people call it a chav I think. In the final rap battle he throws everything out there that the black guy could use against him. The chav beats the black guy, who looks a lot like Dave...? Ted...? The black one.

I know you're white. I'm not colour blind. Are you an idiot? The British school system must really suck. You seem to be stumbling over a metaphor. I guess I need to only speak in similes eh? Because I'm speaking to England's best! A certified moron but the best they have to offer. I need to pound it over your head that I'm comparing you to a black guy blaming his legal troubles on his blackness.

OK, let me do this really slow.
You,
Scully,
think you've been held down for being British.
This is a very stupid thing to think.
Much LIKE
how silly it is for a black guy to blame being caught committing a stupid crime on his skin color.

See, I don't think you're black. I think your claim of being held down for being British is LIKE the situation with the black guy. See, metaphors compare things with subtlety, assuming the reader has an ounce of intelligence. SIMILES use the word LIKE so dullards won't be confused.

Look! I'm teaching the English man English!

You knob.

I don't know much about my great grandfather. Truth is, I don't really care about him. I'm sure he was a loser like the son he created. Your story is obviously bullshit. I feel dumber even having to acknowledge that, but considering you can't understand a simple metaphor then I guess I need to spell things out. Even if somehow you mysteriously had knowledge about my family I wouldn't mean jack all to me. Shit, now you're gonna think I'm claiming that story is true.

Fucking hell talking to an idiot is tiring.

OK, the story about your family and mine is bullshit.
Well, it's not literally bullshit.
It's LIKE bullshit.
It's not true, OK?
You with me big guy?
You keeping up?

But, even if in some magical world it was true. It wouldn't get under my skin. What gets under my skin is having to explain things super slow to you. My story was true. The one about the place I was before. I knew you wouldn't be all that interested. I said multiple times, no one would really care. I'm planting seeds for what's going to happen next. It's called foreshadowing. Fuck you, I'm not explaining what foreshadowing is. Look it up. Your tag partner is MacBeth dude. His adventures with Ted and Dave are roughly two thirds of everything he puts out there. He spent the better part of two weeks talking about a fucking BANK HEIST. In a wrestling promotion. Seriously. Think about that for a second. That's your homeboy, and you're gonna shit on me for telling a true story about my life that relates to what we are doing right now?

You're a bloody moron

Congrats MacBeth. McCoy is a brand of chips. Here's a another fun one for you. The singer of Gym Class Heroes is named Travis McCoy! Fucking crazy huh? Some times things have the same name but aren't the same thing! Just like you aren't a brand of footwear created by Tom Delonge. Just like you aren't the main character of a Shakespearean play. Just like your buddy Ted isn't a talking stuffed animal and Dave isn't David Letterman. I know the school system is weak across the pond. But fucking hell, you've got to understand this right?

Chris, you don't see what threat I could be? You make me laugh boy, and not in a good way. Ask Tush how much of a threat I am. If he can speak a coherent sentence after I dropped him on his head, he might tell you to watch what you say to me. He'd probably tell you to let whatever Ophelia says go. Because a single thought that isn't devoted to how you're going to survive me is all I need. I'm not like the other new guys in X-treme Wrestling Federation. If you'd kept your mouth shut all week I would of still ended you just so Ted and Dave might disappear. Your promos need a strong edit my boy. Ninety percent shitty stoner comedy 10 percent utter bullshit. Tell fat Sami Zayn and knock off Jamie Fox to kick bricks. Then, walk down to university and enroll in a public speaking class because you're bollucks.

Yep, I said bollucks.

You know you guys aren't special cause you're Brits right? Your British lingo isn't really all that unique since the internet brought us all together. Oh dear, he calls a cigarette a

, how quaint. Aw, he sounds like he's got marbles in his mouth when he speaks, how cute. I knew McCoy's were crisps, and I knew crisps were chips. We all loved Shaun of The Dead, we all discovered our love for Cumberbatch because we binged Sherlock on Netflix. We've all seen The Office, and the American version was better. Everything you do, that's worth while, we do better. American movies and TV are full of British actors hiding that disgusting accent so they can get a job that doesn't pay in crumpets and scones.

I don't even have a problem with you guys being Brits. I don't even really have a problem with you being proud of it. But this monopoly you claim to have on being proud of your heritage. This little man syndrome that results in thinking where you were born is holding you back. That's where I start to have an issue. I actually thought you guys were the same person until this week. If you want to succeed then perhaps you should start by standing out. Not by banding together over some imagined slight. What have either of you done to deserves breaking through this imaginary red white and blue glass ceiling? Grabbing desperately onto Tush, in the hopes that the single bit of British talent here will make you anything more interesting than baby faced dick 1 and 2 simply will not work.

Yes I admitted Tush is talented.

I still beat him.

Just like I'm going to beat his anytime blow job boys.

By the way I'm saying you're baby faced, and LIKE a dick. Not that you're literally a baby faced penis...

ah fuck it.

Be smarter.”

FADE

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