Robbie and Pest seem to have found the solution to all the problems they have caused in a time machine brought to them from the year 3000. Ready to call it a wash, the men are prepared to step back in time and undo the events of the past few hours that have left DC in utter ruins.

IN DUE TIME

We open to see The Black Hand standing beside the time machine, which looks like an 80's phone booth.

Pest: Robert, I must admit I am impressed with the way you procured this device.

Well, that was why you wanted me, right?

Pest: Not entirely, no. I saw a talent for destruction, not solutions when I started to scout you.

You mean stalk, right?

Pest: Perhaps.

Awesome. Now, uh, I have no idea how this thing works.

The decapitated body of Memnarch, the man who arrived in the time machine, lays on the ground, blood flowing from the open hole at the top of the neck where a head used to be.

"Just dial where you need to go."

Just dial? Damnit, you murdered the one guy who could show us how to use this thing to fix DC. Instead, now what, we have to play a guessing game? Jesus. Morbid, I'm proud to have a strong man like yourself on my side and all, but, um...

Bourbon stalls as he tries to think of something to say next.

Pest: Have you been to the National Holocaust Museum, Kyril?

Morbid's eyes go wide as he starts to rub the bronzed penis of Peter Gilmour hanging around his neck and his crotch simultaneously.

"Sounds hot."

Robbie points in a direction.

Right over there, big guy, knock yourself out.

Morbid turns and walks away as he sticks his hand down his pants, thoughts of the Holocaust running through his head. Robbie turns to Pest.

Well, looks like we have to figure out how to use this thing.

Pest: I do not feel it can be that difficult, he came from a society who thought you were a prophet.

True.

Robbie and Pest step into the time machine and Robbie presses a few buttons. Nothing happens.

Pest: Did you hit the buttons right?

I have no fucking clue, man!

Pest: Here, allow me to try.

Pest hits a few buttons, and with a flash the time machine is no longer in the middle of the sidewalk in DC, but in a patch of weeds.

Woah. Okay, did it work?

They step out of the time machine and look around. They're on the side of the road, somewhere. Suddenly, we see Robbie's van coming down the highway.

Hey, I think it worked, here I come!

As the van passes, the driver unrolls the window and uses a pair of tongs to lob something out of the window. A small, fleshy object flies and smacks the time machine before hitting the ground.

Ha! Alright, you bastards, you messed with Robbie Bourbon, and he's a man's man. He's the guy who...

The Dick of Peter Gilmour looks up and sees he's next to Pest and Robbie.

Robbie! Right on time. Your planning is impeccable. I thought you were just in the van! So, let's get down to the docks and infiltrate that sub!

Oh, crap, we went back to before me and TJ beat Peter and Dim.

Pest and Robbie step back inside the time machine.

Wait, guys, we have a critical mission at the docks!

With a flash, the time machine is seen in the rafters someplace. Robbie and Pest step out and look down to see they're above the arena at an XWF event. In the ring, we see Trax and Ryan Hunter squaring off in a lumberjack match with LH Harrison presiding as referee.

Pest: This seems familiar, Robert.

Yeah, yeah it does.

Trax connects with a devastating Trap Silencer, knocking Hunter out cold. DMX watches from outside of the ring, and as Trax covers Ryan Hunter for the pin, DMX tries to run in, but is stopped by Thunderbolt X.

Why does this seem so familiar?

As the fall is counted and Trax's hand is raised, Dim sends a trio of KKK members into the ring. After they attack Trax briefly, Edison's film of the electrocution of an elephant plays on the X-Tron.

Shit, nah, we don't need to be here for this.

Pest and Robbie step into the time machine. In a flash we see them in a lush forest.

Pest: When is this?

I have no clue.

Pest: Robert, we can not be trapped in time.

We sure can, we just started pushing buttons like a couple of toddlers with a smart phone to see what happened. What did you think was going to happen?

Pest: I felt the future generations, as gullible as they seem, may have been more intuitive in their design.

I guess not.

Robbie sits down on a fallen log.

Man, we've really gone and done it, haven't we? We've not only destroyed my city, but now we're here, whenever this is. Fuck.

Pest: Robert, now is not the time to give up.

Give up? Since when do I ever fucking give up? When does Robbie Motherfucking Bourbon say when?

Pest: You do not.

Damn skippy I don't. That has never changed. There seems to be a certain someone out there, You-Know-Who with the vanilla style. You know, the guy who watches promos with a pen and paper, taking notes for what exactly he should say, who thinks the strength of a superstar is in their ability to debate and refute points he makes. Wake me up when he's made a point yet. You know, the guy who showed up to, well, we won't say he was riding anything in particular, but he sure showed up to be in the presence of Old Man Feder when I called his stupid ass out for being a waste of the people's time. And the fun thing was You-Know-Who was there, along with the other chimps who came out of the woodwork, when I shut Old Man Feder the fuck up with a few examples I was talking about. Sorry to bring up past loves, You-Know-Who, and sorry to your current beau, Luca, if he starts to get all jealous of how many times you've been a dingleberry on some other superstar's ass hairs.

Luca, you know if the Old Man actually had the heart to stick around and face me, him and Dim against me, two-on-one, you wouldn't have a date right now, right? Instead, he bailed on Dim, and for good reason, because I'll never get tired of fucking that big dumb sumbitch up in front of live crowds, and he bailed on You-Know-Who, leaving him to find some other hand to hold his to greatness.

The only problem is that you-know-who is skirting a really big detail while contradicting himself. He says I'm the same-old, same-old, then says I'm inconsistent and keep changing in the same breath. You know what that means? It's on the tip of his tongue, but he won't admit it.

I got better.

That's how I changed, Pest, that's how I changed. I grew, I got wiser, I got stronger. It's something You-Know-Who isn't going to freely admit, because he wants people to see the hype for this match and think that since he hasn't grown, since he hasn't become better, it means he's the best. That doesn't matter, not now. You-Know-Who can sit back with his pencil and paper, nitpicking shit. Nothing he brings up is going to matter, not at all. You know what matters? We matter. We are the Black Hand. We are the thing that goes bump in the night, we are who watches the watch men. We are checks and balances. We are force, and we are energy, and we are time itself, eternal and ready, minute by minute, for any kind of fool. We are inevitable, and we are going to walk out of Snow Job the XWF Tag Team Champions of the Universe. You-Know-Who? Well, I guess he'll go watch a few more promos and ask some pointless questions.

Robbie and Pest re-enter the time machine and Robbie presses a few buttons. With a flash, we see Robbie and Pest are behind the original Bourbon Dojo. It's sunny out, and the sound of an ice cream truck is heard.

Pest: Robert, where are we?

We're at my old dojo. It's hot out, this snow gear is killing me!

Pest: I agree, Robert.

Pest lights a cigarette as Robbie takes off his winter hat and coat and tosses them against the wall of the dojo.

Jeez. Man, I wonder when we're here. Maybe before I beat up Wyatt Reynolds?

Pest shrugs.

Can I get one of those from you?

Pest looks oddly at Robbie.

Pest: You want a cigarette?

Sure.

Pest shrugs and pulls out a cigarette and hands it and a Zippo lighter to Robbie.

Thanks.

Robbie snaps the cigarette in half and throws it away.

Man, that was refreshing.

Pest: Robert, that was not amusing.

Robbie chuckles to himself as he lights the Zippo. He starts to flip it around in his hands, playing with it.

Pest: You know how to handle that thing?

Yeah, watch.

Robbie flicks the Zippo open and lights it in one fluid motion against his forearm, before fumbling it like a buffoon and dropping it on his winter clothes. The coat and hat go up instantly.

Damn!

Pest: Robert, you owe me a new lighter.

The flames from the coat and hat touch the curtains of an open window, which start to burn. Suddenly, the dojo is on fire.

Pest: Robert, what have you done?

Oh shit. I'm the one who burned my dojo down!

Robbie starts to swat at the flames with the burnt coat, but to no avail. The fire grows and the room that was facing outside is now engulfed in flames.

Shit, shit, shit!

Robbie and Pest run into the time machine, and Robbie punches a few buttons. Pest starts to laugh, which catches Robbie completely off guard.

What is so funny?

Pest: I, heh, I thought that you tried to frame me for burning down your dojo with a replica of my lighter. You now know why I kept you from beating Game Girl.

Robbie looks at him and starts to laugh as well.

Heh, I guess it's all in the past now.

They continue to share a laugh as he pushes a final button, and in a flash the time machine appears in front of the National Holocaust Museum.

Heh, alright you creepy old bastard, let's get Morbid and see if we can't fix this whole mess.

Robbie and Pest walk into the National Holocaust Museum, and we hear a ruckus happening somewhere within. They walk towards the noise, and see Morbid Angel is in a room full of shoes of Holocaust victims. He's sniffing them while fondling himself.

Pest: Kyril!

Morbid stops and slowly turns around, a sheepish grin across his face with his hand down his pants.

"You got the time machine to work?"

Sort of, and for fuck's sake, as if today couldn't get weird enough. You're masturbating in the National Holocaust Museum.

"VICTORY FOREVER!"

Whatever, go wash your fucking hands and let's go.