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**Vincent Lane** · **03-01-2015, 08:05 AM**

How could you possibly mistake my glorious member for yours, dude? Mine has an elegant left hand curve right around the seven inch mark, just as it begins to taper. Yours? Well, dude, let's just say whenever you run around in those floppy Bermuda shorts we can all see you brought a .22 to the gun range.

Calypso, dude, listen, I called you ugly because you're ugly. Real friends don't sugar coat the truth, man. You want me to fluff you up like Theo and Samuels before they spit roast Madison? If I did that, and you somehow managed to land a date from Craigslist or something, it would just end up breaking your bacon grease-clogged heart when your 60 dollar an hour girlfriend can't fake being into you during the small talk she has to come up with while trying to get Little Calypso going.

Does a mother bird toss her baby out of the nest before he's ready? No. Can I have a healthy conscience knowing I let Calypso leave this room today thinking he doesn't look like a photoshopped picture of a human face with a rectal prolapse over it? No. It's fucking irresponsible, man.

You sound way too desperate to get other dudes in your Hair Club For Men lifestyle, dude. It's not cool. It's not sexy. You don't look like a modern warrior, you look like a neo nazi with AIDS. AIDS and cancer. And maybe lupus. Although it turns out that my natural handsomeness extends even to the perfectly symmetrical arcs and curves of my cranium, the "just got treated for lice" look isn't for me, man. You can corner that market all you want, in the meantime I'll just be adorning my admittedly beautiful scalp with the finest crafted wigs money can buy. Gotta respect Locks of Love, man, they're doing good work.

Are we done here, man? Even a brain dead clown like you should realize he doesn't have what it takes to pin me, dude. Maybe you should have started smaller, like that slope-brow, Justin Sane?

Loverboy kicks out at one, because the Clap is a shitty move.

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