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**Vincent Lane** · (10-31-2016)

Doc, I respect you, but I have to get something off of my chest. So, turn up your hearing aid and pop a squat in the corner.

Listen, Cryptkeeper, I’m not here to gamble my soul on a fiddling contest, I’m here to fulfill the vicarious dreams of the out of shape and hopeless XWF fanbase. Those dreams do NOT include having your liver-spotted skin rubbing on me and leaving me stinking like Ben-Gay and this morning’s early bird breakfast, so please, gently take your withered body off of me before you get your MedicAlert bracelet caught in my wig.

Oh, I have a wig now, did you know that? It’s cool.

Anyway, seriously, get off of me before I show you that the only thing worse for your bones than I am is osteoporosis.

God damn, Doc, up close you know your whole body looks like a shrunken head? That’s not a beauty mark on your lip, dude, it’s a fucking melanoma. You need to start getting more regular check-ups at this age, dude, and I’m not talking about getting your prostate flicked in the broom closet. That guy’s not a real doctor, just FYI. No dude, I’m talking about getting the full round of tests to keep your ticker going – mammograms, pap smears, etc.

If you could just let me move my arm a little that would be cool… I have this phone app that pops up with a silver alert every time you get out of the home, you know, and I want to make sure I do my due diligence and get you back before I get accused of anything shady. Can you believe they bought it when I signed those papers claiming to be your grandson? That insurance is looking pretty sweet.

This reminds me though, I’ve been meaning to tell you… your drumming hasn’t been at all the same since your last stroke. Neither has your wrestling, honestly. I mean, since we tangled all those months back, you fell from grace faster than Lucifer himself… weird, right? I mean, getting taken to the limit by Pest and Austin Fernando? Doctor, doctor, gimme the news… I’ve got a bad case of pitying you.

You got pretty lucky in that rumble coming out as late as you did. You must have sighed with relief when you saw how tired I was by then, huh? Lucky man you are… but right now, I’m the lucky one old timer.

Get off of me dude, it’s time for you to take your pills.

Loverboy kicks out and air guitars.

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