04-02-2013, 11:34 PM
The scene opens up back to the familiar one story, brick suburban house of the Man Preaching Nothing. Tonight, MPN is found in his kitchen, sitting, smiling at the camera. He’s in his usual Hawaiian shirt (this time purple) and dress pants, seated, arms on the table. He’s surrounded by a plethora of cereal bowls, at least ten, all surrounding him. He stares at the cereal bowls, then the camera, flipping back and forth incessantly.
MPN: I did it! I beat Big Bad Leroy. For the first time since I entered the XWF, I’m beginning to feel as if the people are underSTANDing me…they, they get me. Finally they’re beginning to see that the gurus, the Buddhas, the books, the sciences, it all amounts to a big, fat zero. They’re beginning to see that a man this talented in the ring, able to dominate his opponents so well must speak the truth. Legitimacy stands with him!
MPN stands up and walks closer to the camera, pointing at all of the cereal bowls near him.
MPN: Chris Hartt! You’re next on my list according to the “powers that be,” the bookers who run this show. Hartt, I’ve studied your tapes, seen what creative has put before you and frankly…I can’t say I’m impressed. Other than adding an unneeded extra “t” to the name of one of the most famous wrestling families in history, I don’t GET you!
And at the same time Hartt, I guess I shouldn’t worry about getting you, should I? “Getting” anything kind of contradicts my philosophy - there’s nothing TO get, really. But regardless, I see you as nothing, CH…you’re another stepping stone to my re-education process as far as the XWF universe is concerned.
You have the physique, the build of an Adonis CH, but you know what?
You’re nothing but a bowl of CEREAL…
Take these bowls of cereals. They have the flash, the sizzle, the bright colors, the logos that appeal to the eye…
MPN points to a corner of the kitchen where the various boxes of these cereals are located. Fruit Loops, Cheerios, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Frost Mini Wheats, etc., all full of bright colors and logos.
MPN: Take a strong look, CH. These logos are designed to entice the consumer into purchase this crap…the bright colors, the intense logos, the incredible characters on the boxes. It creates that “MMM,” butterfly feeling inside!
But what do you have in the end? NOTHING! A failed attempt as fulfillment, satisfaction. Cereal can’t fill you, CH! It’s grain, it’s empty! It means nothing. Now I suspect some of you in television land expect me to then say that “healthy” choices are better? Celery, broccoli, green beans, carrots? CERTAINLY NOT! That hippy crap that serves to “answer” the questions we have, fill our emptiness, is just as bad as cereal itself! It’s empty…
I’m all about…this!
Suddenly MPN opens a pantry full of fast food! McDonald’s, Burger King, Frisch’s Big Boy, DQ, and the like. He opens random bags, devouring French fries, McNuggets, chicken sandwiches, and everything else, bag-by-bag.
MPN: This is where it’s at! I admit, it’s not healthy, but mass produced food should be embraced! We don’t live in the Paleolithic age where man must hunt his food all day and possibly risk death to eat! I live in a world I love, a world where I can drive down the street and eat anything I want cheaply! I choose to embrace this idea, and the hippies and the empty cereal heads must crumble beneath their own arrogance. You see Chris Hartt, you are cereal - appealing to the eye, muscular, catchy, fun - but you have no fulfillment.
This FAST FOOD - it’s full of MEAT! It can fill a man up, make him full. It tastes great, and I love it. Tonight on Wednesday Warfare, the Golden Arch will be in my corner and Toucan Sam in yours - and I shall be above you as you count lights, and the ref makes the count of his own: 1, 2, 3. Man Preaching Nothing shall emerge once again victorious!
In the ‘80s my philosophy would have been embraced, but in 2013 the world is so obsessed with “healthy choices,” and turning one’s heads to the gurus and left wing activists who seek to rip everything to shreds, convincing you that they’re the answer.
They’re not.
Neither are you, Cereal Boy Hartt.
Because…
MPN stares deeply into the camera, yelling, as the scene fades out…
MPN: THERE IS NO ANSWER!
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