I look down at my watch. It reads 11:26. Bastards, they were supposed to be here an hour and a half ago! I've got contracts to sign, bills to pay, and various other admin duties that go unappreciated by my employees. Everyone thinks that I, Paul Heyman, have more than two arms and can magically fix all of the problems here in XWF. Yes, I am the man responsible for Monday Night Madness becoming the flagship show of the XWF. Yes, I guided Brock Lesnar while that was going on and prepared him to become the one to conquer The Undertaker's undefeated streak at Wrestlemania. And yes, I have been working diligently to bring to you the most anticipated for Pay-Per-View in the history of the XWF despite all of the setbacks. Believe me, I was given a HANDFUL of crap to work with when I took on this Pay-Per-View. Crap like Barney Green, Mr. XWF, and Jack Hoff who have no business being on a Paul Heyman show, let alone in the federation. But you see, I, Paul Heyman, am a mastermind at taking flaw and molding it into form. I did it with ECW when I turned an unconventional roster of misfits and drug addicts, and molded them into world renown, household names that fueled the Attitude Era. And wouldn't you know, I've done the same with XWF by turning those same types of rejects into superstars that fans can appreciate. It's no wonder why I was selected to take the lead on the official developmental show of the XWF.


Just think of RTX as the Paul Heyman workshop. It's a place where I can sit down and put my tools to use. I'm down there day and night, whittling and carving away, until I've turned flaw into PERFECTION.


But I don't expect an ounce of gratitude. It's always been the same with you people. All that you ever want from Paul Heyman is more. You want me to come back and fix Borefare; a show that will always rank lower than Madness in every way possible. And Madness; you all want to see Paul Heyman's Madness instead of that goon who runs it now.


Well, I'm not going to give you Paul Heyman's Monday Night Madness or Paul Heyman's Wednesday Warfare. Quite frankly, you don't deserve to have a dose of Paul E.'s genius mind every week. You deserve the crap that they're feeding you right now!


But I will meet you all half-way because I'm that nice of a guy. You want a real Paul Heyman show? You got it! Because Paul Heyman presents LEAP OF FAITH this Saturday!


There's already so much controversy surrounding the show. There's something to talk about in every match from top to bottom. You've got superstars climbing scaffolds and leaping for a briefcase that could make (or end) their careers. You've got the second battle between Sebastian Duke and Azrael Erebus which is one year in the making. And then you've got the Tag Title match where we haven't even named a partner for Peter Gilmour.


I'll be honest with you, this tag team match has my attention more than anything else on the card. I like the whole mystery element that it brings to the table. Is it John Madison, Dimallisher, or Gilmour Classic? This predicament has garnered more attention than any other match on the card, and rightfully so seeing as how I am the mastermind behind it all. More people tune in for Gilmour than any other segment on television. Did you know that a Gilmour match once went head-to-head with the Superbowl and won in the ratings? The man is most watched superstars in the XWF and he doesn't even win that often! That's why when I booked Peter's match, I had to make sure it was something extra special.


Today I meet with the man who will be Peter Gilmour's partner at Leap of Faith...


I'm cut off by my phone. I look down to see who it's from and answer it immediately.


"Yes, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? I've been waiting out here for over an hour now! You do realize that I need to get to Austin in the next day to start setting up the show, right? You're where? Okay, take the next right turn and drive straight, you'll see me in the parking lot. Park your car and meet me in my office!"


Fucking Peter, still gets lost trying to find my office.


I see Peter pull up in his Mercedes convertible. Unbelievable, the guy took a flight here and somehow managed to get his hands on another Mercedes. Does he have a car for every city or something? Once Peter makes eye contact with me from his car, I head into my office and wait.


And wait...


Damn it, Peter. Don't tell me you got lost IN THE PARKING LOT...


I'm beginning to lose my patience with this guy. But just as I'm beginning to stand up, he comes walking in with a wicked smile on his face. Damn it, did I just refer to his smile as wicked? Must be growing onto me.


"Have a seat," I tell Peter as I wipe every trace of iniquity off of my face. I want Peter to feel right at home for this next part.


"Thank you for meeting with me today," I continue as I join him at the round table. "The contract is all ready to go. All you have to do is sign and your match will be made in permanent ink."


"Paul," Peter says in a commanding tone that I shall immediately dismiss. "I don't like you or any of the other GM's playing roulette with my career. I get to make the decisions on my career Paulie, not you or anyone else! I should be choosing my partner since Fromo never pinned me. I should not be here waiting for John Madison, Gilmour Classic and Dimallisher to play Amazing Race to see who will be my partner. If I had it my way, the first one who gets here loses or gets fired. But I'm not the GM and I'm not a fat walrus like yourself! But I digress. By the way, how's Madness doing? Still the B show? And isn't that guy named Ozymandias still the GM? Yeah, good luck getting your show back there Paulie."


"Peter, we're not meeting today to discuss Ozymandias' inability to fill my shoes as a GM. We're here to discuss you. And well, maybe you should have beaten Frodo Smackins if you wanted to pick your partner. You failed in doing so which means that you left me no choice. I was torn between Dimallisher, John Madison, and Gilmour Classic, so I offered the spot to all three of them."


"So lame. Whatever, what do we do now?"


Excellent, I have him right where I want him-- following my lead.


"We wait, Peter. We wait until either John Madison, Gilmour Classic, or The Dimallisher gets here."


I hear someone pull into the parking lot. So does Peter... Shit, I better act quickly.


"Who is it?" Peter yells as he leans out of his chair to see who just pulled in. We both have a clear view from the doorway that faces a window to the parking area. "FUCK IS IT THAT FAKE ASSHOLE GILMOUR CLASSIC!?"


He's about to jump out of his chair and run out there to beat the shit out of Gilmour Classic or whoever it is. That's the last thing I need right now.


"Peter, look! POPPA FEDER!" I say to distract him, pointing to the opposite side of the office.


"Where?!" Peter asks excitedly, jerking his head. That's when I dart out of the room and flip the switch. At the flip of the switch, a metal cage slides down from the doorway and traps Peter inside of the office.


"I've trapped myself a Gilly!"


"WHAT THE FUCK!" screams Peter as he slams into the cage. "Let me out of this at once, you insect! You'll be hearing from my lawyer, you gay walrus!"


Ignoring Peter, I run outside. Sure enough, John Madison has arrived in his rental car with the windshield bashed in and side mirrors hanging down to the side. He stumbles out of the car, reeking of whiskey, like John when exiting any motor vehicle. The guy is actually a dick behind the wheel when he isn't drunk, so I prefer him in this state believe it not. John walks up to me, takes off his shades, and screams the first thing that pops into his head.


"I'm here to sign a contract, bitches!" He says before shattering a glass bottle on the cement.


"Glad you made it, John. You look great! Anyway, I have have the contract all ready to go. All you have to do is sign it and be on your way."


At that moment, I notice that I've lost John Madison's complete attention. What could it be that he's so focused on?


"Oh shit, do you got Peter Gilmour all locked up in that office like an animal?"


"As a matter of fact-"


"I gotta see this!"


What the fuck? It's like I'm taking one of my nieces to the zoo to see the monkey exhibit.


"John, please don't-"


I probably should have thought this part over some more. I don't like where this is going. I follow John into the office where Peter is caged up, hoping that I can do some damage control.


"Peter! You look FUCKED right now! Maria Brink is fat! Rose Smith is a man! You dong worship the devil! You like to fuck other men! Oh man, this is awesome. Why can't Luca be here? He would LOVE this!"


All of a sudden, Luca comes crashing through the ceiling.


"FUCK YOU MADDY!" Peter yells in a fit of rage as he kicks the cage, trying to break through it.


"Damn, Peter. Have I mentioned how gay you look right now? Are you fucking another man inside there?"


John continues to taunt Peter, saying everything he can to rile him up. He moves in close to the cage, and Peter tries to grab after him.


"Paul, let me out of this fucking thing so I can kill this asshole. I'LL RIP HIS FUCKING FACE OFF!"


I ignore Peter's request as I try to take back control of my office. This is getting way out of hand.


"John, can we please move on with the contract signing? You can torture Peter when you guys are the Tag Team Champions."


John decides to take my advice... and shit all over it. He pulls out a crowbar and begins to poke at Peter through the cage. He laughs while Peter continues to rage on. Then I hear the door behind me creep open.


And it's... GILMOUR CLASSIC.


"Hey fags!"


Yep, I've definitely lost all control now.


"I'm here to sign a contract to become the Tag Team Champion!"


Peter loses his mind at this point. He's coming very close to bringing down that steel cage. I probably should have added electricity to it. Then again, nearly every match that Peter's has involves an electrified cage so what good would it have done?


"Fuck you, you fake asshole! Get away from here!"


I watch as John Madison turns his attention to Gilmour Classic. They come face to face right in front of me.


"Hey GC, I see you got your fat back."


Gilmour Classic SPITS in John Madison's face, burying him in a matter of seconds. Oh my shit.


"I see you brought your crowbar with you. Why don't you try shoving it up my ass like you did at the house show? Go ahead, TRY IT! I DARE YOU!"


"FINE I-- Wait, what?"


"YOU HEARD ME, BITCH. TRY TO RAPE ME!"


Gilmour Classic is actually DEMANDING that John Madison attempt to rape him with the crowbar.


"What? NO! STOP!"


In one of the strangest acts that I've ever seen, Gilmour Classic pulls his pants down and begins to chase John Madison while performing the Goatse (bent over, ass cheeks spread) battle stance.


"Stick that crowbar up inside me! Do it!"


"Get away! I don't want to do this anymore!"


Gilmour Classic manages to corner John Madison and then begins to back his bare ass into him! John tries to push GC away with the crowbar, but GC's asshole engulfs the fucking thing like its a vacuum. I have no idea what I should even do at this point. I just watch as it all unfolds in front of me.


Once the crowbar is wedged in there, Gilmour Classic turns around to face John Madison. He then pulls out the crowbar and snaps it in half like he did to Frodo's dick when Frodo raped him in front of the Eye of Sauron! GC tilts his head back and laughs wickedly to the heavens. That laugh; it's so wicked.


"Alright guys, are we done now? Gilmour Classic, you've proven your strength. John Madison, I'll replace your crowbar for you. Let's be civilized about this-"


But before I can finish my sentence A FUCKING POLICE CRUISER WITH BLARING SIREN AND LIGHTS SPEEDS THROUGH THE PARKING LOT AND RUNS OVER GILMOUR CLASSIC! Gilmour Classic goes flying through the air and lands on top of his head, knocking him out. Jesus Christ...


The driver steps out...


It's The Dimallisher.


"I'm here, Peter! I made it!"