Fireworks erupt from everywhere, even the backs of fans' chairs. The fans who are getting burned don't seem to mind. Seems like we're right here in the XWF where you never know what the heck is going to happen! A fan throws a pale of popcorn and it hits a lady who was breast feeding her baby. The lady's husband runs up and punches the fan who threw the pale and a small riot ensues. The fans start chanting "big ol tit... big ol tit..." because the lady did, indeed, have a big ol tit exposed to the world right now.
As security rushes in with night sticks, stun guns and laughing gas to take control of the angry crowd, Bruce Buffer enters the ring!
B. Buffer: Welcome everyone to World War X-trrrreme!
Sweat flies off of his face just from him saying that! The fans are hyped!
B. Buffer: Tonight is a very special night and we've patched in guest commentators from all over the globe to join us in tonight's show. For those watching at home, don't be surprised if you hear some familiar voices pitching in and sharing their thoughts at any given time. With an event as huge as this, everyone wanted to be a part of the show! IT'S TIME!!!!!
He screams so loud that the microphone breaks and the fans go wild! He throws it down and stomps on it before exiting the ring, still screaming IT'S TIME!
We go to the back...
A voice is heard in the back halls just before our Pay Per View extravaganza is about to kick off!
Where's that !? Where is she?
It's Sid Feder holding what looks like a fence post over his shoulder, about 3 feet long. He grabs the shirt collar of a crew member and smiles, politely asking--
Sir, have you seen that filthy fuckin' whore Jessica Diaz?
The man shakes his head no and Sid thanks him, releasing his shirt and brushing him off to the side.
Whore bag! Hey!
She doesn't answer.
Sid goes down a stairwell as the scene fades back to ringside.
We take you now to ringside where the first round match up for the United States Championship is set to take place!
Bobby Heenan: "I think Sid Feder's looking for a dirty whore bag! Hey Sid, if you find any you know my number, don't be greedy."
Jesse The Body: "You've got to be kidding me, Heenan. Could you sink any lower. Sid better hope he doesn't find Diaz or she just might break his old ass in half before he can make the main event."
United States Championship
-WWX ROUND ONE-
Mr. Radio
- vs -
Cheat Lucena Standard Rules
Bruce Buffer is all jacked up with a dress shirt on that's so tight around his neck that his veins look ready to pop.
B. Buffer: The winner of this match will not only be named the NEW UNITED STATES CHAMPION, but will also give their team the FIVE on TWO handicap advantage heading into round two elimination sequence. It's time for RRRRROUND OOONNNEEEEEEEEEE!
The top button of Bruce's shirt pops off and lands in a mentally handicapped child's mouth. Sadly, the child chokes on it and has to be rushed out by EMTs. No word yet on his condition.
After a few minutes the silence is broken by this!
The first man to make his way to the ring is none other than CHEAT LUCENA! Chosen by Eli James IV to represent his side for this round!
JBL: "Look at this guy, somebody needs to check his papers and deport his ass!"
Cole: "Actually, John, I met with him for a brief interview earlier today and his friend The Biographer assured me that all of their legal documents are in order so there's nothing stopping Cheat Lucena from becoming the rightful holder of the XWF's United States Title."
JBL: "If he becomes the US Champ here tonight I just might blow your brains out."
King: "I'd pay to see that!"
Back to the action... The proud man, Lucena, walks to the ring, delighting in his theme song, smiling and pointing to everyone like "hey yo". He is accompanied by The Biographer, as usual, who is clapping and cheering him on.
His delightful theme song comes to an end and our next participant makes his way out from the back!
Radio comes out full of life and proceeds to...
Walks...He just walks.
Taz: "I like this guy's entrance. Just walk to that ring, beat some body's ass and get the fuck out. That's how I used to do it. None of that sissy crap like Lucena, bouncing and smiling. F-that!"
Radio walks to the ring and enters it, walking around in it. Lucena is in the corner receiving some last minute instructions or possibly useless information from The Biographer.
The referee, Nick Patrick, tells them both to get ready to rumble up in this bitch and the fans go wild!
Larry Zbyszko: "Waaaait a second. Why the heck is Nick Patrick the ref for this match? Something smells fishy."
Bobby Heenan: "Check your drawers, Zbyszko."
Ding! Ding! Ding!
This match is on!
Mr. Radio in on the attack but Cheat knocks him out with SPANISH ROGUE (eye poke transitioned into a classic olschool roll up)
...1
...2
..."THREE!!!!!!!!!!"
...is what some of the fans yelled even though Radio kicked out before the ref's hand hit!
Doc Hendrix: "Holy shit! Cheat hit his trademark move early there and almost got a quick victory. How embarrassing would that have been for Michael Radio?"
Cheat seems to think he's won. He's running in circle with his hands up.
Radio catches him coming around with a super kick. Radio pins Cheat.
...1
...2
Kick out!
Radio picks up Cheat and throws him into the ropes. Radio goes for a Samoan drop, but Cheat shifts his weight and lands behind Radio. Cheat takes Radio down with a crucifix pin.
1
2
Kick out!
Cheat picks up Radio and throws him into the corner. Cheat then delivers an eye poke in the corner. Radio falls down to one knee, holding his eyes. Cheat then begins to hammer Radio in that same region with his elbows. This is a clever tactic but Cheat; how often do we see someone target the eyeballs of their opponent?
Cheat throws Mr. Radio into the ropes and tries to catch him on his way back with a vicious haymaker-like eye poke, but Radio ducks under and catches Cheat in the jaw with a drop kick. Radio picks up Cheat and gives him a judo throw. He then puts Cheat into the End Transmission (Texas Clover Leaf).
Radio is giving Cheat hell with that End Transmission; what a maneuver!
But wait-- Cheat's manager, The Biographer, grabs Cheat's hand and puts it on the bottom rope! The referee turned his attention away for one second and it's costing Radio as he's forced to release the hold.
Bobby Heenan: "That's good ring presence and team work right there!"
McMahon: "Are you kidding me you stupid old bastard? That's cheating!"
Bobby Heenan: "Why do you think they call him THE CHEAT, McMahon? News flash! He cheats! And he does a good job of it too!"
Radio stomps his foot into the back of Cheat, and drags him back into the center of the ring in order to reapply the End Transmission. But this time Cheat kicks Radio in the eyeball, pushing him back. Radio's eye has to be in a lot of pain right now.
Cheat gets up and throws a running elbow to the eyeball of Radio. Radio kicks his feet in pain as he holds his hurt eye.
Cheat climbs to the second rope, and goes for an eye poke off the second rope, but Radio rolls out of the way, and Cheat smashes his fingers on the ring mat!
Radio spears Cheat and pins him.
1
2
Kick out!
Cheat is very dangerous right now with those eye poke attacks, but the key here is him being able to land them properly.
Radio throws Cheat into the ropes and catches him with a sleeper hold. Radio has this locked in like a pro. But wait-- it's that God damn The Biographer again; he's standing on the apron arguing with the referee! Turn around ref-- Cheat looks like he's about to pass out.
MULE KICK! Holy shit, Cheat just mule kicked Radio in the testicles. Referee didn't see that shit.
Cheat then goes down to the mat and forces his thumbs into the eyeballs of Radio. My God, he's trying to dig his thumbs into the eye sockets. This is not a man who you want touching your face.
But wait, Radio kicks Cheat in the head, knocking him off.
Booker T: Oh mah goodness!
Radio kicks up and walks around the ring. He's half blind right now but he's trying to figure out where he is. Once he's got his senses together, he runs off the ropes and takes down Cheat with a jumping DDT. Radio with the pin.
1
2
Kick out!
The Biographer goes up on the apron again, but this time Radio knocks his old ass down with a running drop kick.
Cheat comes up behind Radio and takes him out with a Back Stabber. Cheat pins Radio
1
2
Kick out!
Cheat grabs Radio and goes for the Spanish F (Leaping Reverse STO), but Radio knees him in the chest and pushes him away. Radio then hits Cheat with a Stunner and pins him!
1
2
Kick out!
Radio gets Cheat back up to his feet and throws him on his shoulders.
Jesse The Body: Nice knowing ya, Cheat!
Flair: Go for the eyes! Go for the eyes! WHOOOO!!!
It looks like he's about to go for the Around The Galaxy (F5) but Cheat breaks out of it following an eye poke!
Ron Simmons: Damn!
Of course it had to be an eye poke from this cowardly fighter. How is Radio able to see at this point?
Cheat takes Radio down for an inside cradle.
1
2
Radio kicks out.
Cheat gets up and positions the heel of his boot onto Radio's hurt eyeball. He's digging into that eyeball of Radio's with the heel of his boot, sick! He eventually lets up on Radio and gives him an elbow drop.
Macho Man: "Ooooh Yeah! Dig it! I'm liking that elbow from Luceeeena, YEAH!"
Joey Styles realizes Mach Man is alive and well.
Joey: "OH MY GAWD!"
Cheat picks up Radio and sends him running into the ropes. Cheat tries to catch Radio on the way back with an elbow strike, but Radio ducks under and gives Cheat a neckbreaker. Radio pins Cheat.
1
2
Kick out!
Radio drops an elbow and goes to pin again but Cheat rolls to the outside. Radio reaches through the ropes to grab him but is on the receiving end of an unexpected eye poke! Radio falls back, holding his eye and looking ready to lose his mind from all these eye shots.
Cheat hops up onto the apron and springboards off of the top rope with a flying double eye handle... but Radio moves! Cheat crashes down hard and Radio puts the boots to him, kicking and stomping away while holding his eye in pain. Radio stomps away on him and then pulls him up, whips him to the ropes, but OH SHIT the referee was in the way! Cheat and the ref both go down!
Radio moves in to grab Lucena but EYE POKE! No shit! Another eye poke! Another! He is eye poking like mad right now, poke poke poke.
Kick to the groin! Radio goes down hard.
Lucena passes out from all that physical exertion after taking such a beating.
Both men are down and the fans are rising to their feet. Somebody is hobbling down the aisle very slowly.
Jim Ross: "By gawd, if he walks any slower he'll be-- Oh holy mother of god, it's Sid Feder! And he's got a 3 foot long steel pipe in hand!"
Sid eventually gets to the ring, slides in, walks over to Radio who was just starting to get up and Sid locks him in a cobra clutch with the pipe around his throat.
Choke, ! Choke like we all knew you were gonna do!
Sid applies more and more pressure until Radio's body finally goes limp. Sid releases Radio and just walks to the back like nothing happened, carrying his pipe over his shoulder and smiling at fans on the way out.
Jim Ross: "Get that creep Feder outta here! He should be taken to the back of the shed and shot between the eyes like a wounded dog!"
The referee finally starts to wake up as he sees Cheat Lucena crawl over to Radio and mount him. Cheat does a ground and pound to Radio's eyeball for a few seconds and then pins him...
...1
...2
LUCENA BREAKS HIS OWN PIN UP!
HE PULLS UP RADIO! SPANISH ROGUE (eye poke transitioned into a classic olschool roll up) HE NAILS IT!
...1
...2
...THREE!
He's done it! Lucena has captured the United States Championship and secured the first round victory for his team tonight!
Regal: "This Cheat as you call him has demonstrated to us a true science in the way he targeted that eye and exploited it throughout the entire match. What a master cheat."
The ref helps Lucena up and hands him the title... EYE POKE! Cheat just eye poked the referee!
Booker T: "Did you see that!"
The Biographer rushes into the ring and tells Lucena to stop eye poking and that he's won the match. Lucena holds the title high above his head as many of the fans boo his cheating antics. Somebody throws a banana peel and it smacks Bio right in the side of the face and Lucena laughs about it. What a night for that Cheat Lucena!
Cameras take us to the back where we're told there is some commotion happening. It turns out we see Alexandra Callaway, Mandii Rider, Morbid Angel and Dean Moxley McGovern all beating down their own partner for round two! ANN THRAXX!
Angel: Stupid whore did nothing! NOTHING!
They hit her with anything they can find, including cans of paint and windshield wipers from what somebody claimed was her own car but probably was just making it up! OH SHIT! Eli James is walking up to Ann Thraxx now!
He leans down to look at her swollen face...
Eli: I forgive you.
He walks away allowing the beating to continue! Now Eli's side must prepare to take only a FOUR on two advantage instead of five!
In another part of the arena we see a very different scene as Scorpio and Mr. Supernova both look fully prepared for action and Theo Pryce is seen saying something to them. They see the cameras watching and turn away to discuss some last minute strategies in private before round two begins.
Help!
Somebody is screaming for help! It's a random backstage worker who has stumbled upon a collection of beaten and battered bodies...
Dr. Zero, Christine Nash, Liz Hathaway, Cam Lang and Smoke are all laid out and have chairs and other objects thrown on top of them.
Larry Zbyszko: "This doesn't feel right, Tony. Who would do this?"
Tony Schiavone: "Well it seems obvious to me Eli James' goons are taking care of some business ahead of time. Hathaway looks dead."
Officials check on them and some of them start to move but Liz Hathaway is unresponsive.
..........................
Voice: "Aaaahhhh! Help!"
From down the hall and around several corners is another cry for help and by the time cameras get there, a new scene scares the shit out of Joey Styles.
Joey: "OH MY GOD!"
It's Roman Reigns and he's laid out, covered in blood. He is completely unconscious. A few feet away are... OH SHIT! Amos James Jr. and Jebediah James, both out cold with large chests filled with equipment dumped on top of them!!
Larry Zbyszko: "Still think it's Eli's crew?"
Tony Schiavone: "This could be a quick retaliation for what we just saw a few moment prior. Theo and his men move quick, Larry."
Larry Zbyszko: "Something smells like shit around here."
Bobby Heenan: "Well I keep telling you to check your trousers already, Zbyszko!"
We'll be right back after this message from our sponsor, Sir Michael Tyson.
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