WARNING: UPON RETURNING TO THE UNITED STATES, MARK FLYNN PROVIDED A TAPE TO XWF SUPERSTARS OF HIS ESCAPADES, WITHOUT A CAMERAMAN IN TOW. IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION ON THE MISSING CAMERAMAN, NAMED GABRIEL JACOBS, PLEASE REPORT IT TO XWF.COM DIRECTLY BEFORE SUBMITTING IT TO THE AUTHORITIES.

WITASTICK ENTERPRISES IS PREPARED TO OFFER A LARGE REWARD FOR SUCH COOPERATION.

THE FOLLOWING IS RATED TV-Y7.

Walking through the streets of Singapore, passing through a loaded marketplace, fruit being passed, currency slipping from buyer to seller rapidly. The heavy rain leaves water half a foot up the legs of the market dwellers, but this doesn’t seem to slow down transactions a bit.

The camera hangs heavy in Jacobs’s hands, trying to desperately to keep up with the Most Hated Man in the XWF, who sprinted from the beach into the city, still in wrestling tights. Demonically pressing forward without a word. Jacobs wishes he had something in his stomach beyond the bag of Dorito’s in the plane and the pack of Saltine crackers he got off the lunch table when sicked two goons on him so he wouldn’t run.

Pff. Like he was one of those rookies that still wept when put on assignment like this.

In a brief moment of self-examination, Jacobs realizes he works in less than stellar conditions.

As he takes out a towel to wipe the lens clear of rain, he makes a mental note to request some form of health insurance.

The cameraman adjusts the zoom to better capture the bustling economy in Singapore. Worst case, if Flynn can’t get him home, he could always join Singapore’s tourism board. That probably pays some form of cur-

The cameraman slams into the back of a frozen Flynn. His camera jiggles in his hands but he quickly gains control over it. Jacobs considers delivering a curse (which would probably have been censored humorously) but instead notices that Flynn has paused walking to read a sign in simplified Chinese characters preceding by an arrow…

The cameraman is fascinated as he re-focuses the camera on Flynn. “Can you read that?”

Flynn doesn’t respond. He keeps walking until he reaches a busy vegetable stand, surrounded by residents of Singapore, screaming and waving dollars for food.

Flynn slips his hands around the transactions and grabs a large bottle of vodka. The owner of the stand screams for him to come back but he quickly slips into the crowd.

Jacobs follows Flynn into the alley, covered by a light awning which prevents the heavy rain fall from drenching them further. Flynn has popped off the cork and is in the process downing the vodka. He gets halfway down the bottle before turning and offering it to the cameraman.

The cameraman eyes it uneasily before taking in with a free hand and pressing the bottle to his lips. He needs something in his stomach… The sour swill sinks down his throat and his eyes close in horror. He tries to bring it from his lips…

Flynn presses his finger on the bottom of the bottle to keep it going down his throat! The crew member chokes down liquid before coughing the drink out of his mouth and onto the alley…

“If you’re the kind that wastes alcohol, then you’re right.” Flynn mutters as he eyes the rest of the bottle. Jacobs looks up, still trying to gag the last of the drink one direction or the other.

“You’re not going to enjoy Singapore.” Flynn grins as the rest of drink slides down his throat.

Flynn wipes his arm across his sleeve as he admires the design of the bottle. Jacobs coughs the last of the devil juice out of his system as he keeps the lens on Flynn.

Flynn turns back to his involuntary traveling companion. “Do you have a written list of those rules you mentioned before?”

Jacobs scrambles for the list in his pocket. “Did you have one you needed repeated? put in a sound-proof room with a cassette player glued into my ears for 48 hours and strapped my arms to my side so I couldn’t pull it the headphones out. I’m pretty sure I have it about memorized.” Jacobs sheds a single tear that moment… He didn’t mean to.

“Nah.” Flynn pinches a pen from Jacobs’ front pocket. Jacobs struggles to keep the camera balanced as he nervously recoils from Flynn’s reach.

Flynn flips the sheet of rules over to its blank back and presses the page to a wall. He begins to write.

‘HELP!

ILLEGAL DR(AGO BRAND BEAN, THE LEADING COMPETITOR OF WITASTICK BRAND FOODS. WITASTICK: THE AMERICAN WAY!) TRADE IN SINGAPORE COMPLETELY NOT BENEFITING ANY AMERICAN BUSINESSES!

SEND CIA OFFICIALS IMMEDIATELY!

Love,

Wanted Criminal Mark Flynn

XOXO’

As Jacobs admires the censorship filter on his camera that successfully blocked Flynn writing D-

R-(AGO BRAND BEANS)!...

(…Man, even spelling the word ‘ugsdray’ gets ensoredsay…)

Flynn then rolls the note up and presses it into the bottle. He pops the cork back on and steps carefully down the alley.

Jacobs follows him until he gets onto the street. Flynn pauses a moment, water up to his knees.

Flynn peeks to the left…

Then, peeks to the right…

Then bends down to running water…

And slips the bottle into the running water…

Jacobs and Flynn watch silently as it begins following the current down the street…

“All right. That’s Plan A. We’ll see if that seed flowers later…” Flynn begins walking the opposite way down the street.

Jacobs switches dumb-founded from Flynn, to the message in a bottle, back to Flynn…

“Wait…”

Flynn stops and turns around, surprisingly patient…

“That was Plan A?”

“Sure.”

“That was your best plan?”

“Oh God no. I start with the least likely plan and build my way up. You want to save your good plans for later if you can… C'mon, kid, keep up.”

Flynn then turns and keeps walking…

Jacobs revolves, just in time…

To catch on film the bottle spin and fall down drain inlet into the sewers…

Jacobs yells to report this to Flynn…

Who is already half a block down the street, almost lost in the crowd…

…Jacobs struggles after him…

His only hope of getting home…

***

Isn't this nice?

It feels like we threw the captain into the ocean no more than five minutes ago.

And already we get three bumbling buffoons struggling to get some semblance of control over the ship.

Missing that their battle will only steer them into...

A darker storm...

Who do we have here?

Three bumbling buffoons who aren’t worth the waving of arms it would take to put any of them down for a three count…

How do I hate thee, scum-sucking salamanders... Let me start from the bottom and work my way... sideways...

World-1 International. Ironically, the guy who’s name sounds like a talent agency has the least talent of the three of you. Seriously, how big of a joke are you when you find out your match schedule the same time the nerds that are constantly on xwf.com do?

No agent, World-1? Sorry, I guess that would imply someone would be stupid enough to think you have skills that warrant managing. And since I can’t imagine you breaking that losing streak, I guess you should continue alongside hapless rookies like Bryce ‘The X-Treme Loser’ and keep accepting whatever matches the higher-ups give you. Maybe someday you’ll get lucky and face the Crimson Dong. Imagine how famous you’ll be then.

The first man to ever lose to the Crimson Dong. There are few that I think are capable of achieving this feat. But, I’ve seen you in the ring. I think you can do it…. But, until then…

Get the f(RENCH) out of my ring.

Chris MacBeth. The only thing I find surprising about you losing is that the f(LOCK OF SEAGULLS’ 1982 HIT ‘((I RAN) SO FAR AWAY) LOV)ing LA Sports Weekly found it interesting enough to be front page news. Then again, when the LA Sports Weekly’s front page story is ‘KING’S LOSE’, maybe that periodical written by mentally challenged children is exactly the one that should be keeping track of your career’s inevitable continuous failures.

Side note: Do you think this is the front page that Tyler Decker keeps bringing up? Because suddenly that ridiculous catchphrase implying that any news reporter cares about him makes sense…

Sigh… I honestly don’t care. You don’t have the decency to actually address the United States Champion that makes me flinch. There’s not a moment where I don’t hear you talking about me and think I need to retort. Why should I address XWF’s newest no one that isn’t going to do anything of merit in this company?

I don’t think any of you f(ROLICK)ing children get it. THIS IS YOUR CHANCE! THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY AGAINST THE UNITED STATES CHAMPION! You don’t pick up the win against Mark Flynn by ignoring him, by covering your ears and hoping he goes away.

And yet, that’s all any of you have done. You’ve pretended I don’t exist. You’ve either dropped a single promo that only confirmed how mentally deficient you are, in the case of World-1…

Grouped me in with these other losers without differentiating me as your concern, in the case of MacBeth…

Or… you did whatever the Hell Knightmask has been doing this week…

The only positive thing I can say about Knightmask’s promos is that he’s done a lot of them…

It was mostly gibberish and entirely forgettable but he sure said a lot, I guess…

Knightmask. Way to say the most nothing of the three of you. Congratulations. This week, you dropped six promos for the biggest opportunity of your career and I can’t understand a word of it. You seem at one point like you’re going to drop some trash talk against me and the very next second, you’re talking about someone’s buttcheeks? Seriously, what the Hell is wrong with you? You’ve got six people doing nothing in the background of every one of your pathetic little shoots, why do you think I know any of their names?

Hell, I didn’t know your name before this week started. How is it that you’re a bigger idiot than Mighty Kid when you both have identical gimmicks?

Do you think I’m losing to a nobody even the Power Rangers would reject? I don’t know what I find funnier…

The fact that while everyone had the decency to have actual pictures of themselves on their XWF profiles, you decided to use the Seventh Grade Doodles you left on your trapper keeper while everyone else in class was learning how to SPEAK F(AMILIAR, AMERICAN, GOD-LOVING, JOB EARNING LANGAUGE:) ENGLISH…

Or your in-ring work…

…

You three kids seem a little down in the mouth. As if I’ve just clarified how meaningless and uninteresting your lower card rivalry really is. But, don’t worry. You kids are the future of the XWF... according to no one but yourselves and each other.

Seriously, how can anyone wait for Gauntlet City where Knightmask will again beat World-1 International to a resounding ‘Bathroom Break!’ from capacity crowds.

I’m just thinking about the match and my bladder’s filling up.

I want you three jokes to listen very carefully. I want you idiots to really pay attention here.

This Battle Royal is the most important match of your career.

This coming Warfare is the night that your name becomes synonymous with a new age in the XWF.

Because tonight…

I begin my tour for the re-instatement of the XWF Championship…

And the first paragraph of the final chapter of my life story…

Will begin ‘Mark Flynn destroyed the ankles of World-1 International…’

‘The arms of Chris MacBeth…’

‘And the stupid purchased-from-Party-City mask Knightmask kept on his face…’

‘To prove to the world’

‘The king has returned’

…

Heheheh…

‘Long live the King’

The Mark Flynn story.