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Tony Santos · (12-23-2013)

Hey, McBride! I've been watching some of your stuff lately, and I have to say, something just doesn't seem right. Things are just a bit... off. Odd. Not authentic.

See, I was sitting in my local KFC this afternoon... and let me tell you, they really don't know how to even get pretend Southern cooking right around here in Miami..., there's like, plantain pieces mixed in with the fucking steak fries, salsa incorporated in their Famous Bowls, and even, dare I say it, fucking avocados and sour cream as side dishes for your fucking fried chicken! Avocado and sour cream!!!

But I digress. I was at my local KFC this afternoon, and as I was picking the plantain pieces out of my french fries, I noticed something... wrong. I dug through the basket of fries and Mexican dick fruit, and I noticed a discoloration on one of my fries. Something that was clearly spoiled. I was disgusted, so I poked my fingers through the fry pit and pulled that sucker out with the precision that only one of those steel claws at the AMC theater could dream of... or maybe not, considering that it doesn't want you to win. But either way! I lifted that fry's corpse from the rubble and brought it to my face. I examined it for a moment, and, it has the typical brown coating that comes with seasoning and a good deep fry, and I watched the salt glisten from its body. However, beneath that false exterior were gooey bits of green and blue. Disgusting! How does this even happen with a processed potato?! I was outraged.

Outraged!

I stormed up to the counter and dropped that sucker on, well, whatever that fucking material is that makes up those cookie cutter counters, which are blatantly colored and treated so as to look sanitary. The cashier looked down at the fry, then at me, his dopey, GED-lacking Haitian brain unable to understand my outrage. I pointed at the finger, and yelled, with all of my rage and might...

"My potato is moldy and could have killed me! I want my money back, as well as a free bucket of chicken! No pissy little nuggets, either. I want the best cut you have! You know, the stuff you sell for the premium price of $5 a bucket at this pocerty-addled joint. Now!

His response?

Jorge! Hey, Jorge! I found yo' thumb!

I was livid! LIVID! Those minimum wage wetbacks... is that the right terminology for them? Probably not... whatever! Those sons of bitches managed to lose a thumb and thought nothing to check their products. The fact that he managed to slip his thumb in to a fucking vat of french fries, fries that are kept in frozen bag up until mere minutes of being cooked, makes it even more astounding! How did this happen? How could he not have noticed this after losing a fucking piece of his body?! Why was I less offended by this than the fact that there were chopped plantains in my fries?!

I DON'T KNOW!

But what I do know, is that everything about this experience was phony. From the plantains, to the salsa, to the delicious avocado and sour cream (I gave in), to the fact that no worker had an inkling of an idea as to what Kentucky was, let alone the roots of their own company.

Phony, like your accent. It's gone, isn't it, Michael? Gone like the wind. Gone like raYne on a sunny day.

I've watched your stuff, and I've noticed your lack of an Irish accent. Where'd it go, McBride? Back to fucking Dublin? Was it lost after you got toasted on Irish car bombs, only to get smacked around by a bouncer with a vendetta against stupid fucks who he can't comprehend? What happened? I feel like you're pulling a good ol' god damn repeat of this infamous incident...

And I don't like it. I don't like your phony behavior. Not one fucking bit. You're as rotten as a moldy potato thumb. Admit your devious ways. Admit that you tried to carve a niche for yourself in this company to reach the top, only to fail, and realize that, shit, I show this much of a lack of effort in the ring, I might as well fucking give up on this stupid ass schtick as well! Admit your ways, and then go suck on ESP's tits some more for beating you.

Fuck you, Michael McBride. Fuck you and your resemblance to a dead, human thumb.

Threaded Mode \| Linear Mode Michael McBride! I Smell a Rotten Potato
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