“Hello everybody my name is Roger–”

Or at least that's what I said to the butterflies and the bees and the iguanas when I woke up here in foggy London to another sunny, lovely day. But that's when all the trouble began!

“Is that your real name?”

The mysterious question came out of left field, because everybody knows that questions are allergic to the right field. At first, I thought it was a dumb prank played by a dumb idiot. Someone was clearly trying to trick me about who I was and only dumb idiots do that! But just like I did this precious morning, I always make sure everybody knows my name is Roger even though it sometimes leads to my darling rabbit being kidnapped by that bitch Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

So I wondered who would be trying to trick me? Even my wicked brother doesn't pretend to be anybody other than a master necromancer, Hollywood man of sex and fastidious fishmonger.

That led me on a wee investigation and so I followed the direction of where the sound had come from. Thankfully it wasn't ‘up’ because I don't like that direction very much even though I'm much braver and tougher about it these days. It led me ‘down’ instead, into the XWF memorabilia room that I had converted the old haunted dungeon in my basement into.

“Behind you!”

I followed the voice past the pile of Barney Green-scented wash towels that I treasure, and there, in-between a floppy disk containing a bootleg copy of the Kenta Kobayashi Maru video game and the only remaining photo in existing of Sean Graves (widely acknowledged as the best of the Graves brothers by everybody who enjoys Fanta), was a mirror!

Having learned lots of stuff in my lifetime, I knew exactly what to do with mirrors. So I had a wee look, and to my surprise there was a weird mask on my face!

“Wait a minute!”

Wait a minute! That was my voice but not my voice!

“What’s going on here?!”

I had another look in the mirror…

“Hello everybody my name is Micheal Graves and not Roger right now. Sometimes I will be Roger, but not when I wear my Micheal Graves mask!”

It was me all along?!?!

I'm Micheal Graves! Was Micheal Graves! Will be Micheal Graves!

As long as I was wearing his mask that is, because apparently that's all it takes.

I wondered if I should tell Vita the Valenteenie?

Or Mr. Mark Flynn?!

I was sure he would know what to do! He DEFINITELY seems like a clever guy and not a dumb idiot who would wear a dumb mask and put on a dumb Batman voice and pretend to be someone else - especially when he's already a future Hall of Legends inductee!

It would make absolutely zero sense for him to ever pretend to be the worst Graves brother!

But then I thought: A clever guy like him has probably already done a wee mathematical analysis of my win-loss record and deduced that it's probably not too different from Micheal the worst Graves's except that I probably have better luck at the events that require Payment Per View.

So since Mr. Mark Flynn was such a clever, un-dumb non-idiot, I don't even need to tell him that I am Micheal Graves! He would have already figured it out!

So that's why I very quickly went out into the streets of foggy London and started Gravesing all over the joint before Mr. Mark Flynn had a chance to stop me.

One of the best places I Gravesed at was the local primary school's production of that time that someone whose name was allegedly Micheal Graves already defeated Mr. Mark Flynn at the Game of Wars. It gave me lots of insight into how I can defeat Mr. Mark Flynn if he tries to uncover the plot that I am Micheal Graves - because if I am Micheal Graves then I already beat him so I can just do that again.

After then Gravesing with my sweet Molly who is fourteen months pregnant with my child, I then took my rabbit Elmer for a stroll and I started noticing the signs that someone else had been Gravesing about the streets.

I was concerned that this was a trap set by Mr. Mark Flynn because of how super smart he is and not at all a dumb idiot - but that's exactly why it couldn't have been him! He would never be so dumb as to Graves about the place. This is super logical, non-dumb stuff we're talking about here!

So I used Micheal Graves's super-smelling powers and we followed the trail of Gravesing throughout foggy London…

— — —

“…And that's how I found you!”

There in front of me, a dog wearing a Micheal Graves mask was floating condoms full of toxic waste across the river Thames for Gravesing-based reasons.

“Woof! Woof! I'm Micheal Graves! Woof!”

In the dog's excitement he jumped out of the poopy water and pranced around all over the place until his mask fell off!

It was the world famous doggo Bark Flynn!

“Oh my lanta, I am stunned!”

Out of respect for the legendary Code of the Canid that I learned at Sunday School, I also removed my mask.

Becoming Roger again, I immediately realised the error of my ways.

“Never in a million years would I ever have suspected that the legendary Bark Flynn would secretly be Micheal Graves! The only thing possibly more ludicrous than this would be if Mr. Mark Flynn himself was the dumb idiot behind all of this mischief!”

I helped fasten the mask back onto Bark's face and he joined Elmer and I in our little walkabout. Bark and Elmer soon became best friends though now I have to worry about a lot more toxic waste condoms than I used to.

Thank you for listening to my tale.