Somewhere, at a haunted house. You know the kind, a bunch of people in costume and make-up all lurking behind corners waiting to provide jumpscares to anyone who walks past them. We’re backstage, where we see zombies, scarecrows, clowns, more zombies, more clowns, witches, a couple more zombies, and none other than Bobby Bourbon.

Bobby is bedecked in a plain blue mechanic’s jumpsuit, and in his left hand he’s holding a Michael Myers mask. He plainly towers over most of the rest of the people on hand, and looks quite bored looking at his phone, waiting for showtime. A portly, unkempt man steps into the room full of performers.

“Alright everybody, get into your places. Hey, new guy!”

Bobby looks up from his phone.

“You, no incidents tonight.”

Bobby rolls his eyes.

“Look, those guys had it coming, they were laughing at me.”

“Huh? Look, you don’t actually touch the people that are walking through, just scare them.”

“I did, after I shoved one of them they looked absolutely terrified!”

“You broke the wall when you shoved him!”

“I WILL BREAK HIM IF HE COMES BACK!”

“NO! Just…”

The director spans his hand to rub his eyes with his thumb and middle finger. This is not the first time Bobby has exacerbated him from the looks of things.

“Just keep your hands to yourself, alright?”

Bobby snorts, frustrated. He was born for violence, not cheap scares. A woman, dressed like the bride of Frankenstein, is seen chuckling as she approaches Bobby. Bobby glances at her, then stops. His demeanor changes almost instantly as a doofy smile crawls across his face.

“This isn’t like wrestling.”

Bobby nods, his eyes widening, in acknowledgment of what the woman said.

“Yeah, you’re right. How do you do this?”

She points to the big hairdo and her face.

“By spending an hour doing my make-up.”

Bobby shrugs.

“Huh, so you think I should wear face paint?”

She chuckles.

“You have a mask!”

Bobby looks down at the mask in his huge mitt.

“Do you like wearing one again?”

She continues to press the conversation, wanting to hear more from Bobby.

“It’s, I dunno, different this time. Before when I wore it I used it to intimidate opponents and also with a sense of honor, but that was before I whooped the absolute piss out of them with my bare hands. I guess it’s a new chapter in my life, since wrestling seems to be in my past.” Bobby looks sincerely downtrodden in saying this, his purpose in life deprived of him by medical issues. “I mean, how did I get gout in 2024? I never caught Covid, and if I did, I was asymptomatic. I survived being tossed off a building by Peter Gilmore. I was shot in the face by Pest. I even survived all those nights partying my ass off with TK.” Bobby smirks. “Those were probably the most dangerous nights, to be honest.”

“How so? Were you risking a hernia while wearing two championship belts?” She laughs, the flirtatious nature of the conversation heightening. “Or was it the alcohol consumption?”

Bobby nods.

“Yep, both, plus it’s a miracle we didn’t wreck whenever TK drove, that dude wakes up and has a twelve pack for breakfast.” Bobby sighs. “It’s a new XWF, though, to be honest. Maybe it was high time I hung up the boots. All sorts of new people leading the way and giving the fans the brutal, bloody combat I always brought to the fans. I had them screaming for more by having my opponents scream for less.”

“You know,” the woman begins, leaning in closer to Bobby. “I always wanted you to make me scream a little.”

Bobby blushes.

“I mean, I don’t even know your name.” Bobby cocks an eyebrow. “I don’t know a lot of names. The Mashterbater or some such is the new GM of Anarchy, some dude called Bacchus is the Xtreme champ, and I haven’t ever had the chance to eliminate like ninety percent of the field at War Games.” Bobby shrugs. “I mean, at least I still have the most eliminations in the history of the event, so much so I’m the mascot for it now.”

“How is Bouncy taking it?” The woman inquires coyly but pointedly, her gaze locked onto Bobby.

“Bouncy? Oh, she could care less, we only hung out for the sake of being awesome supervillains, but now that I’m not the greatest villain in an XWF ring anymore, I’m just moonlighting here as a horrible son of a bitch until I cook up an even bigger scheme.” Bobby rubs his chin. “Maybe something with boats, I’m not sure.”

“Oh, like being a pirate?” The woman places a hand on Bobby’s massive shoulder, somewhat to console the big guy, somewhat to feel the muscle.

“Well, I mean, to make that work really well, I’d need a submarine, and having a submarine is more of a thing Thad would do, which makes it dorky as fuck.” Bobby looks back at the woman, sensing the signals she’s sending by initiating physical contact. “I’m not into that nerdy shit. Maybe a floating casino, sail to some awesome ports of call, who knows. Pretty sure I could find some cockamamie new designer drug like I saw on The Penguin, pretty sure those guys watched me and TK’s careers and just wrote the Penguin to be cool, like us.” Bobby blinks slowly and looks at the woman. “What’s your name?”

“Teal.” She smiles. “I’m glad you finally asked.”

“Me too.”

The director of the haunted house reenters the dressing room.

“Places everyone!”

As he does, Bobby’s phone goes off. The sound of the theme from Return of the Living Dead is heard throughout the dressing room. Bobby answers his phone.

“Hello?” Bobby listens to the other end of the phone call. “Yes, this is he.” Bobby continues to listen. His eyes widen as a grin forms between his lips. “That’s awesome! Thank you!” Bobby nods. “Yeah, have a great night, Happy Halloween!”

Bobby lowers the phone from his head as he looks at Teal.

“I don’t have gout!”

“Yay!”

The director approaches.

“Guys, I said places, the first group will be coming through any minute.”

“Oh, I fucking quit! Sorry Phil, this just isn’t my calling! I make people go splat, I never starred on anything produced by SPLAT!”

“But, who’s going to be Michael Myers?” The director, Phil, looks incredulous that his big monster wouldn’t be in attendance tonight. Bobby hands him the mask.

“Be that movie psycho, Phil. You know you want to, you don’t have to be big, you just have to act big, and ignore the original movie it was way too slow. It’s a classic, but it’s dated.”

Bobby eagerly picks away at his phone. He puts it to his head. Phil, still completely baffled by what’s going on, looks at the Michael Myers mask in his hands. Teal puts it on him as Bobby places a phone call.

“This smells like uncooked spam.”

“Shut up, you look awesome, Phil.” Phil whimpers at Teal’s reassurance, herself being several inches taller than he.

“Peter Principal?” Bobby blinks. “Oh, pronounced with a P-L-E, sorry, my bad.” Bobby nods, physically communicating unnecessarily. “Yeah, I’m doing okay, you can’t keep Bourbon down.” Bobby blinks. “No, I’m not making fun of your acid reflux.” Bobby swiftly nods, once again using body language over the phone as though he couldn’t contain his own excitement. “Yes, I’m still going to emcee War Games, but I have good news! The doctors made a misdiagnosis, my test results came back and I don’t have an overabundance of uric acid!” Bobby shakes his head no. “No, that’s not the kind that’s a drug, that means I don’t have gout! I’m medically cleared!” Bobby nods. “HELL YES I WILL WRESTLE AT WARFARE!” Bobby sounds almost giddy, twice as excited, and absolutely pleased as punch. “Oh. Well, okay. I’ll see you there!” Bobby blinks. “You won’t be there?” Bobby nods. “Yeah, video game worlds are pretty scary.”

Bobby hangs up.

“I’m wrestling again!” Bobby looks gleefully at Teal as Phil stumbles around, adjusting within the mask and it’s complete lack of peripheral vision, walking into a wall. “Do you want to come with me?”

“YES.” Teal immediately responds with joy. “But, just so you know, I don’t want to rush into anything, you know, I’d like to get to know you.”

Bobby smirks.

“Cool.” Bobby’s lips purse and cut to one side of his face, his bashfulness on display with the stunning woman dressed like a classic Universal monster. “I, uh, like the thought of getting to know you. Did you say to call you ‘Teal’? Because I dated someone named…”

Teal shakes her head no. “Yeah, it's what I go by, it sounds cool, but I didn't come up with it because of your ex or anything. I mean I think you’re hot but I’m not a fan girl or a stalker or anything.”

“But who’s going to be the bride of Frankenstein if you’re not here?” Phil pouts from underneath the mask, looking up at the both of them. Teal smiles and places a hand on Bobby’s shoulder.

“Oh, I am, just not here anymore.” Teal looks at Bobby. “Give me a sec, I’m going to go wash up.” Teal turns and walks away. Bobby watches as she does, his eyes immediately staring at every movement of her hips. He unzips the jumpsuit, revealing his wrestling gear underneath.

“You were wearing that the whole time?” Phil is puzzled by the peculiar nature of Bobby.

“I’m always ready for a match.”

“Huh, you’re that afraid of becoming irrelevant, aren’t you?”

“What? No! Jeeze, Phil, why don’t you say how you really feel!” Bobby looks at Phil. “To be honest, I’m terrified of hospitals. The smell of blood and bleach, the weird dull hum of machines, all the nuclear materials, and nurses were all bullies in high school who couldn’t make a dime in customer service.”

Phil nods. “Wow, that’s a really direct response to a question I didn’t even ask.”

“Right. Well, you said places.” Bobby gestures for Phil to walk away and be Michael Myers at 5’5” while ostensibly obese and wearing black jeans and a Fear Factory t-shirt.

“I can’t leave you here backstage, Bobby, you just quit.”

“Phil, look, I’m going back to wrestle, I don’t think I’m going to take anything backstage, and I still consider you to be a pal. You hired me to do this thing.”

“I cast you, Bobby. Big difference.”

“Right, and the show must go on!” Bobby turns Phil around and walks him out of the room.

“Okay, but don’t take any of the props, I know you wanted the blast goggles for no good reason.”

“Blast goggles are cool, Phil.” Bobby pushes Phil out and turns. He picks up a plastic sword and a pair of blast goggles from the nearby prop table. “I’m going to play with these when I get home!” Teal reenters the room, her hair down, dressed in very modest jeans and a plain black t-shirt, her natural olive tinted skin radiant, freckles adorning the bridge of her nose, and bright hazel eyes beneath cascading curly hair. Think Aiyana Lewis but better. Bobby can’t help but stare, his head tilted slightly as a dumb smile appears on his face, his mental faculties completely occupied with beholding the creature in front of him with all the capability of a fourteen-year-old speaking to a girl for the first time. “Hi.”

Teal giggles as she takes the plastic cutlass. “You sure we can’t be pirates?”

“We’ll talk about it. Let’s go!”

“Where are we going?”

“I dunno, Raccoon City or Mordor, one of those places you’d think was purely fictional except it’s really not and the XWF has the best travel coordinators ever.” Teal shakes her head, looking at her own phone.

“Silent Hill.” Teal looks impressed. “Not bad.”

“Wait, for Halloween we’re going to a Sonic the Hedgehog level?” Bobby shakes his head. “Fucking nerds.”

“No, Bobby, you're thinking Green Hill Zone. Silent Hill is a horror survival game. Do you know who you’re facing?” Teal scrolls down the XWF website, XWF99.com. You should visit it sometime, it has all the latest hot gossip on the XWF! Woah, YOU’RE ALREADY THERE!!!

“Not really, Peter Principle told me I’m the Mystery Opponent and that I’m replacing Cyph3r since he’ll be farting around at a minigolf pro-am.” Bobby shrugs. “Doesn’t matter, does it? I mean, whoever it is I’m going to just crush into paste.”

“Well, you’re fighting Atara Raven.” Teal cocks an eyebrow.

“Oh. Shit. I actually like Atara, she’s like a sister to me. If it wasn’t for James Raven she’d constantly want to hang around me for clout.”

“Right, well, you’re also fighting her in an abandoned hospital.” Bobby’s face goes graven at the notion.

“I fucking hate hospitals! And a haunted one sounds like the pits! Do you know how many dead babies probably happened there? All of them, all the dead babies, and baby ghosts just going around sounds like a bummer and a harang, not fun like Slimer, or Casper, or the one with the massive rack from 13 Ghosts!”

“Well, Pyramid Head will be hunting you both.”

“Who?”

“He’s the big bad from Silent Hill, pretty much unkillable, and he murders everything. He’s a terrifying presence?”

Bobby shakes his head. “I’ma beat his Pyramid Ass, fuck that noise. Nothing hunts me, I’m the biggest and baddest.”

Teal smiles. “The big bad, big bad of big bads.”

“You know it!” Bobby confidently nods.

“Well, what about Atara?”

“Well, when it comes to Atara…”

”I guess I gotta be the Sultan of Smacktalk now."

I destroy
Completely
I wreck
No remorse
Set in front of me I set the par for the course
Legendary with the violence that I source
Your ally is your hubby, mine is pure force!
It’s momentum, an equation, force times mass
You bent the fuck over and showed Jimbo the whole of your ass!
Sorry if I’m uttering utterances that you discover without class
You can hate your booking, dove, but take it up with the brass.
You married a man and made a mountain out of a molehill.
You need to fight beside him because it’s the brand you want to shill.
I’m a Bastard, half of the greatest tag team ever made to this day, still.
We’ve proved ourselves to be the best while your lineage is nil.
Sorry brosis, seems you’re shit out of luck
You might be something, dove, but you’re not my brand of buck
You’re the hot sale on Carvana, I’m the beat up old truck
Except nobody ever valued me on who the hell I fuck.

I have come to wreck.

Bobby snorts.

You have been put in front of me.

You have come to play cheerleader for a motherfucker I have beat the piss out of and will beat the piss out of.

I won’t stand down.

It’s people like you that make the Universal Championship seem like a cool kids club.

You could say you hate Bryce, and a month later, your husband would show up, and he would say he hates Bryce, and a month later, nothing would fucking happen because it’s what your crowd does.

If I would say I hated Bryce a month later I’d be Universal Champion because I pinned Bryce.

Bobby casually takes a slow deep breath.

You and your husband know the difference already.

Thing is I actually like Seb.

He doesn’t chase clout, he fucking earns it.

Same as me.

You just want to share a bed with it.

What’s the best you can say, that people fuck me because they want me, not because they’ll go places for it?

Christ, first match back, and instead of a wrestler they put me up against a third rate influencer who spends too much time on Elon Musk's platform and not enough in the gym.

”I think that’s how that goes, I haven’t done that in forever it feels like.”

“That was sexy.” Teal looks genuinely turned on by Bobby’s dissection of his opponent. Bobby smirks, glancing at her as he opens a door, exiting the haunted house.

“Cool.”