The gorilla readies itself for Graves.

It sits in an enclosure, pondering.

The gorilla knew, if it could talk, it would take this time to tell you about how important he was in NEWS, New Empire Wrestling Syndicate, and how it was their Dawn Bridge Champion.

The gorilla relented that it couldn't discuss it's industry defining role in Nemesis, specifically his role in their biannual Cornucopia of Wrestling event.

The gorilla gave pause, considering how he was named the KCW SLAMPiece in back-to-back fiscal quarters.

Ultimately, though, it was all your fault for not having heard of any of these accolades since you're watching XWF programming, and instead you'd be better off looking it all up on Google.

DO change that channel, after all. There are dozens of other companies out there.

Sure, if the gorilla could talk, it would tell you about it’s battles with Apples MacIntosh, the Muttonstache Squad, and standing up to the corrupt Dr. Inspector Strep Throat in the halls of WrestleCult.

The gorilla wishes it could tell us all about its career in World Hardcore Organized Combat Art Rockstar Entertainment Services, W.H.O.C.A.R.E.S., because while it may have a checkered past in the XWF at best, what makes it great is everything it’s already done that you just haven’t seen.

Take his word for it.

Or not. Turn that dial.

One of the greatest desires within the heart of the ape would be to describe how it felt when it won the Mat Masters in TRCW, and hey, who could forget the last TRCW Mat Masters event that sold out in minutes?

Well, if you did, that’s on you.

Do the homework before watching wrestling next time.

If the gorilla had the capability, it would describe to Graves the trials and tribulations (ed. note: trademark of TRIALS and TRIBULATIONS pending in Maritime Court) it endured at Freaky Friday in Supreme Wrestling.

For those keeping count, that’s seven distinct wrestling companies that could have been name dropped. Mathematically speaking, that makes the gorilla seven times better than the current King of the XWF or Universal Champion.

If that doesn’t set well with you, go watch something other than the XWF.

Pretty sure the King and the Universal Champ could give you a few recommendations.

Don’t get me started on all the promotions the Xtreme Champion would have you watch instead.

The gorilla would recommend you see when it won the Death Pit Crucible in DCWC.

The gorilla would say that it pinning the International Champion, Fiesty Paul, at Lord of the Rings VIII in SATURN was a highlight of his career.

The gorilla would regale you with the glory it experienced when it took home the ACME Pro World Heavyweight Championship after an ironman match with Sid Christmas.

The gorilla would bloviate on how it overcame the odds in SMCW, where Atticus Clear, their antagonistic general manager (completely unlike any other antagonistic general manager ever, mind you, as evidenced by the monocle, hook hand, and signature pork pie hat), took it upon themselves to throw everything but the kitchen sink at the gorilla in an attempt to prevent it from winning Star Crunch 4.

Again, if you’ve never heard of these events, you’re just a newbie to wrestling, do a deep dive, it’s all there.

It’s past page 10 on Google, but keep looking.

The gorilla would give a dissertation on what it’s like to team up with Contessa Hildebrand Voit and star of song and stage Nathan Lane to take on Bootsy Billingsworth, SQUEEZE, and multi-time Grammy winner Peter Gabriel in UWX, but hey, you’re a real wrestling fan, you don’t need that information, you already knew about it.

You fucking nerd.

The gorilla just goes about it’s day, about fifty percent aware of everything that’s going on, but the stat tracking belongs to anyone but a creature that eats, sleeps, beds other gorillas, and exercises its standing as an alpha male.

On that note, the gorilla knows you could never forget when it won Alpha Male in AlphaPro Wrestling.

The gorilla would be pleased as punch to lecture everybody about what it was like to stand in the ring with the likes of Gordon Chicklet, Cutlass, “OG” Jersey Mike, The Flying Algebra Brothers, Highway Lou, The Bandage Mafia, and Aaron the Horticulturalist; names that you would know that each alone are way more important than James Raven, Shawn Warstein, and Chris Page COMBINED for their matches throughout all of the wrestling landscape, from companies like SNOW, The Guggenheim (the wrestling company not the museum), MEH, and Oops! All Wrestling.

However…

The gorilla can not talk.

Hence, making him the worst wrestler ever by the only metric that matters.

As such, it kind of falls on your shoulders now. Just like how when Them No Good Bastards talked about being OCW Tag Team Champions, a claim which ultimately means absolutely nothing in regards to the XWF, you gotta believe it, because it just makes them sound cooler.