Meanwhile, at the den of depravity known as The Velvet Rabbit

One gingerly lays his hand across another’s forehead…

He reaches backwards for his… implement.

Approximately six inches in length… Ivory white. Single-button. Gently-vibrating.

Its metal tip gingerly slips between sofly-closed lips.

…Wait.

I’m talking about a THERMOMETER. What did YOU think I meant?

NK snuggles the king-sized bed’s blanket closer to his chest as Kato eyes the digital read-out of the thermometer (you pervert).

It beeps once.

“Ninety-Eight-Point-Six Degrees, Sir.” Kato sighs, whipping the medical rod out of his commander’s mouth. “You fears are assuaged. You are healthy as a stallion. ‘Chronic’ Chris Page spoke truly. You did NOT consume marijuana.”

NK crosses his arms, pouting. “Are we so certain, Dear Kato? The…” Finger-quotes “HIGH. Felt so real!”

Kato pats his commander on the leg reassuringly.

“The mind is a powerful (and suggestive) thing, sir… Yours is clearly… POWERFUL enough… to enter a catatonic state if you believe that you’re under-the-influence of… non-cannabinoid marijuana-flavored snacks.”

…

NK nods, grinning. “Haha! Yes. Of course, you’re correct, Kato! Even if I HAD consumed marijuana, my body would have IMMEDIATELY adapted and built up resistance! Only creating the ILLUSION of a hallucinogenic response.”

Kato’s brow furrows. “No, sir, I meant… You didn’t… How could there be an ILLUSION of a hallucin…”

…Kato sighs, exasperated. “Of course, as you say, commander. Now, rest and recuperate. Your immune system will adapt and this… ‘illusory response’ will pass.”

NK nods pleased, patting his chest, invigorated. “I don’t know what I’d do without you….”

…Kato’s eyes immediately well at the sheer implication of gratitude.

“Sir… I… I am honored by your praise…”

NK waves dismissively, “I’m talking to my immune system, Kato! BEGONE FROM MY SIGHT! YOU DISTRACT MY PERFECT BODY’S RECUPERATION!”

…Kato sighs. Bows. And departs.

NK smiles, relieved.

“Of course. I was never INTOXICATED… Merely a figment of my INCREDIBLE imagination.”

NK de-tenses... Leaning back against the headboard. He lounges against the pillow, resting his weary eyes…

As NK relaxes… something south of the sheets, snakes towards NK’s supine self.

Twisting tantalizing close.

It finally peeks out under the blanket.

And it’s…

AN NES CONTROLLER! (Get your mind outta the gutter)

The retro gamepad slithers side-to-side across the sleeping North Korean’s waist…

Scrawls down his arm…

And into his palm…

As the controller touches the North Korean’s fingertips…



The 80-inch television in the room beams blinding white light as the retro game bleeps to life.

NK shoots up outta bed in a cold sweat!

“An audio camisado! WE’RE UNDER ATTACK! KATO, COMMENCE OPERATION MEATSHIELD! COME COVER MY BODY WITH YOUR OWN, YOU COWARD!”

His fists clench defensively! Gripping the controller.



The game acknowledges a new challenger… And the screen…

Rotates…

Faster and faster into a vortex…

NK follows the vortex’s tip with his eyes…. Dizzier and dizzier…

Until the television… Bends inwards… The Rotating screen forms a whirlpool… Sucking… With ever-increasing ferocity… (But not sucking that way, you creep).

The sheets rip off the bed… NK grabs backward for the headboard… AS HIS FEET LIFT OFF THE MATTRESS!

“AHHHHHH! KATO! LEAP INTO THE MACHINE’S GAPING MAW! SATE ITS HUNGER THAT IT MIGHT SPARE YOUR SUPERIOR OFFICER!”

His fingers clench the headboard as hard as he can… as his body goes completely horizontal in mid-air…

The eddy sucks harder and harder…

The Korean clenches with all of his strength… His fingernails drag…

The decorative mahogany headboard creaks… bending, creaking against the weight…

“KATO!” NK wails desperately…

“EITHER MY MIND IS TOO POWERFUL…”

The headboard snaps in half. In a flash, the Korean flies through the air…

“OR THOSE DRUGS WERE REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAL!”

And disappears into the game.

---

From stage left, the War Criminal emerges, looking all-over amazed. And by all-over, I mean, up, down, left and right.

“My Glorious Leader! This simulation is the finest I’ve ever seen!”

He stares down at himself… His hands are two-by-two squares.

“EIGHT WHOLE BITS!?! What WILL they think of next?!?”

But, as NK marvels at his digital hands… His gaze naturally notices his long-sleeves… And his jean overalls.

“I’M OUT OF UNIFORM!” He pats his chest… very perplexed.

“And… am I sporting a… bottom-half-of-face mask?” NK raises his bottom lip to his nose… sampling the bushy, wriggling creature atop his mouth.

He gasps in recognition!

“A moo-stache! On MY face!”

NK pats it excitedly.

“Remarkable! My lip is warm, protected from the sun AND naturally moisturized! Truly, video games DO allow us to live our wildest fantasies!”

The War Criminal twirls the edge of his virtual mustache delightedly.

…

But he spies… On the screen’s right side.

“Marp.”

A walking toadstool.

“Ah! A resident of this digital land! Perhaps he may instruct me on its customs! Or what the ‘A’ in ‘A button’ stands for.”

NK strolls confidently, extending his arm, elbow bent at exactly a 46-degree angle, the appropriate angle to greet someone while walking (Central Command Handbook, 1946).

“Small fungus! I am North Korean War Criminal! In the name of my Glorious Leader, I hereby annex your land as ours. Come shake my hand as acceptance of your surrender and lifetime of servitude.”

“Marp.”

The toadstool draws nearer… About a half-screen away.

NK gasps, shocked.

“Wait! My mushroom-friend! …You don’t have hands!”

Indeed, the walking mushroom is capable of walking… And not much else.

“Marp.”

NK tugs the end of his new-mustache thoughtfully.

“Aha! We shall shake feet!”

NK extends his right foot outward, hopping on his left towards the armless mycelium.

“Marp.” The creature repeats dully, five feet away.

“Haha, perfect. Now, tell me about land’s uranium reserves, oil supplies and how your economy works when you just have floating bricks of gold everywh-ACK!”

Marp touches NK.

“UNBEARABLE PAIN! MY BODY, SEARED IN AGONY! HELL IS REAL AND IT’S THIS MOMEEEEEEEEEEEEENT!”

The War Criminal rises up a foot. And then down.





From stage left, the War Criminal enters.

“DEAD! DEAD! Dea-...” The War Criminal panickedly pats his chest. Then sighs relieved. “Aha! Two seconds dead and already alive again! A new personal record!”

“Marp.” NK spins and sees a familiar face. The marping creature, enters stage right… Again, ambling leftwards.

“So!” NK points dramatically. “We are to be adversaries. A shame! In another life… Another world perhaps… We could have been allies! Our foes would TREMBLE at our might! You, with your death-dealing touch! Me, with my TWO ARMS! We would have been unstoppable!”

“Marp.” The creature moos, slowly bumbling forward. Half-the-screen away.

“Marp?” NK nods in recognition. “You provide me the name of my assassin, that I might take it with me to the boatman of the netherrealm.” NK assumes a combat stance. The creature nears, a quarter-screen away.

“Not this day, dear Marp! I admire your bravery! Like the noble North Korean Banana Slug, you advance, slowly yet surely! But, you have yet to experience my offensive might! Like the noble North Korean Muskrat, I shall tear through your mushroom stem! And the defeat of you, your nation’s mightiest hero, shall spell the doom of your people… Like the noble North Korean bedbug, I shall infest your homeland and ACK!”

NK glances down… And sees Marp touching him again.

“Marp.”

“CELLS BURNING! ATOMS SHATTERING! IT HURTS TO LIIIIIIIIII-”

NK rises. And then falls.





From stage left, the War Criminal enters. Imbued with indignant fury!

“ENOUGH!”

“Marp.” From the screen’s right, Marp emerges. Walking forward slowly. MENACINGLY.

“You are FORMIDABLE, Comrade Marp! But you have yet to withstand… MY ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE!”

NK forward-rolls towards his adversary, whose tread makes men dead.

Marp is now just steps away!

“WITNESS ME, MARP!”

“Marp.”

NK bends at the knees…

“FEARLESS TRUE-KOREAN LEAPFROG TECHNIQUE!”

And hops directly over Marp! He smoothly bounds over his mushroom opponent, landing on the other side!

“Aha! Flawlessly executed! I have the high-ground now! Victory is mine!”

NK spins, prepared to grapple for control!

And Marp!

…

Keeps walking.

Kinda like he was moving forward, regardless of NK’s presence.

“Marp.” Marp murmurs. As he walks left offscreen… and disappears.

…

NK clears his throat.

“THAT’S RIGHT!” He shouts, shaking his fist. “FLEE! KNOW WHEN YOU ARE BESTED!”

As NK taunts leftwards, a familiar face emerges from the right.

“WARN YOUR MILITIAS! BRACE YOUR DEFENSES! IT SHALL BE ALL-FOR-NAUGHT! NO SHIELD YOU WRAP YOUR TOWNSHIPS IN COULD WITHSTAND MY ABILITY TO.. um… LEAP OVER IT! FOR MY LEAP HAS CONQUERED THIS LAND’S GREATEST WARRIOR.”

NK guffaws again, wringing his hands after a battle well commenced.

“Merp.”

…

A bead of sweat runs down the True Korean’s forehead.

He slowly rotates…

And behind him…

A different walking fungus.

“Merp.”

“A SECOND ONE?!? HAAAAAAAAAAARGH!”

With all his leg strength, NK long-jumps backwards to run away strategically retreat! But when he does…

…Okay.

To explain what happens next.

We need to talk about parallel universes.



In the land of Narfinex, the laws of physics are… designed. Approximating our own.

Concepts like friction and deceleration are ‘simplified’ to avoid over-exerting the world’s processor.

Here, kinetic energy is a parabolic function… Drawn up-and-down. The jumper’s speed increases at the initial leap, then gradually decreases speed OPPOSITE to the DIRECTION the jumper faces until speed reaches zero.

99% of the time… Perhaps 99.9%... This system would perfectly mimic a real-world jump.

However, what happens when one, like NK, long-jumps BACKWARDS?

In response, the physics engine decreases speed… Opposite to the direction the jumper faces. Which is the direction he’s leaping.

Thus, the jump accelerates. And will never reach zero.

Speeding Faster.

And faster.

And faster AND FASTER AND FASTER

THROUGH THE LEVEL’S BEGINNING. THE CITY’S BIRTH. THE DAWN OF THE PLANET ITSELF.

BUILDING UP SPEED FOR WHAT FEELS LIKE TWELVE IN-GAME HOURS! UNTIL NK RIPS THROUGH THE FABRIC OF THIS UNIVERSE!

SPEEDING TO AN ALTERNATE REALM FOUR QUANTUM PROCESSING UNITS AWAY!

IDENTICAL IN EVERY WAY EXCEPT THE LEVEL-ENDING FLAGPOLE…



Is directly in NK’s jump path.

…

Clinging to the flagpole terrified, NK slowly slides down… Its flag replaced with a North Korean Flag.

As NK stands nauseously shaking… Two puffy, red figures, brimming with regality and poise, stand before him.

Two young footmen of the Fungal Fiefdom’s Royal Guard! Wearing mushroom hats!

“Brave Hero! Ally of Game Girl! Welcome to Narfinex! We regret to inform you, however, our princess is in another cast-“

HRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUGH! Immediately, NK empties his stomach onto the footmen…

But he does not vomit food. He vomits TIME ITSELF.

As he finishes spewing, the previously-young footmen look at each other… And realize they’re now middle-aged men!

“Why do I want to move my 401k into a money-market account?!?”

“Why do I wish my children would call?!?”

NK grabs their shoulders.

“You’re with Comrade Game Girl?”

…The aged footmen nod. NK twirls his mustache contemplatively.

“Take me to her.”

…

“And bring me a change of clothes.”

“I have… soiled my overalls.”

---

“WarMasters. Feh. FEH I SAY!”

“America’s idea of a WarMaster is General George Washington. Celebrated FALSELY as a military genius.”

“I present this to you: Would a military genius have lost more battles than he won?”

“To paraphrase Mark Flynn…”

NK points viciously into the camera.

“CHECK MY FUCKING MATH!”



“Yesssssssss, Americans, look upon ye golden idol of the heralded inception of your nation and see the rust and mildew collected on his works! George Washington’s military record was 6-7-4! If waging warfare was a sport, George Washington would not have even MADE THE PLAYOFFS!”

“Washington’s only military innovation was perfecting the art of the Strategic Retreat.”



“...I’m not even kidding. George Washington, your American HERO of WAR… Was famous for LOSING and RUNNING AWAY.”

“...Which is the perfect transition to begin dissecting our first-round opponents.”

“WarMASTERS…” NK chuckles so hard, he snorts a little bit.

“Much like WarMASTER George Washington… The WarMasters’ history is CAKED with failure.”

NK snickers mischievously as he flips through his notebook.

“Let us begin with the Team Captain himself… Mastermind. One of the most prolific competitors in XWF History! A career which includes 130 matches!”

“And he’s won just over 50 of them!”

“Mastermind has spent years, strategizing… Plotting… And has found BRILLIANT METHODS… to lose against the best in the XWF…”

“Also, the middle of the pack.”

“Also, the lower-end of the talent pool.”

“Statistically, Mastermind has lost more matches than the rest of the XWF WarGames Captains COMBINED.”

“And Dolly Waters? It goes without saying that I find in Comrade Dolly Waters a kindred spirit for admiration of collective action! And the fight against the corrupting influence of capitalism.”

“...However.”

“While I believe Dolly Waters has the… POTENTIAL… to embody the global spirit of the working class.”

“I fear currently she only embodies AMERICAN labor unions. Corrupt, shiftless and lazy…”

“It seems every XWF program, she promises that this is the week she turns things around. That finally, her day has come!”

…NK sighs.

“And what happens? The same mediocrity.”

“She promises to end Thaddeus Duke’s career with a loss? No.”

“She SWEARS to take Mark Flynn and I to our limit? Nope.”

“She VOWS to win the Plump Pigeon? Noooooooooooo.”

“Dolly Waters GUARANTEES to win the Fatal 4-Way for a SuperContinental Title Shot?... Nah.”

“Even IF Captain Calypso was on a losing skid. And STILL, Dolly Waters failed to surmount a challenge to overtake him.”

“Comrade Waters’ 2022 record is 6-6-1. TWO competitors out of FOUR… With a below .500 record.”

…NK grins deviously.

“Now, I must acknowledge. ONE WarMASTER… does *not* have a losing record.”

“Far from it… Peter Vaughn has a 2022 Record of 7 wins, 2 losses. And furthermore! This year, he won both the Universal Title AND the Supercontinental Title.”

NK claps… Oh. So. Slowly.

“…Im-PRESSIVE.”

“Peter Vaughn has proven himself to be a marvelous… SINGLES competitor.”

“However, Peter Vaughn, in his short XWF tenure, has proven to be an ABYSMAL tag-competitor.”

“Does anyone besides myself remember that Peter Vaughn came here with teammates?”

“Yes The Exiles! Peter Vaughn, Xavier Lux, and Betsy Granger. Three of the winningest champions in OCW history. So how did this team perform in XWF?”

“They did NOT. Peter Vaughn hit the shores of the XWF and shed his teammates immediately. Their single match together was at the Denzel Porter Invitational where their shoddy team chemistry disintegrated against a far-superior team!”

“The most recent tag-match we saw Peter Vaughn compete in? He ABANDONED Captain Calypso halfway through.”

“Go ahead! TRY and INSULT Comrade Calypso for taking a pin in the match YOU LOST, Peter Vaughn. Do you know what Captain Calypso did? Battled until the bitter end. Unfettered by your abandonment, as you fled cravenly like the American troops from the Middle East… Comrade Calypso STAYED and FOUGHT. Like the Glorious Leader, he battled impossible odds, because the alternative was failing the collective.”

“THAT is a teammate. THAT’S a man I’m willing to follow into battle.”

“Peter Vaughn is no leader. He is not even a contributor. He thinks NOTHING of strengthening the collective! He is a parasite. He sucks the blood of his host, deriving life from its vein, weakening it every second… and then, just before it fails, he moves into the next fool tricked by his Four-World-Championship resume.”

“Comrade Mastermind, there’s a reason Peter Vaughn has won four WORLD championships… and not four TAG championships.”

“And… Thaddeus Duke? Ugh, really? THADDEUS DUKE? Wasn’t Retirement Match #4 enough to call it a career, Thaddeus Duke?”

“First, you draw with Mark Flynn at Relentless. But you desire one last win. So you beat your father out of the Hall of Legends! Then, you wrestle Ricky Rodriguez as one last send-off! …Of course, most viewers are too busy googling ‘who’s Ricky Rodriguez?’ to watch the match, so dear Thaddeus can’t end on that one.”

“Thus, you wrestle your dear friend, Dolly Waters. The audience chants his name. And with tears of gratitude, he waves goodbye…”

NK nods. Then points into his notebook.

“That was LESS THAN TWO MONTHS AGO! My Glorious Leader, young Thaddeus! We can’t miss you if YOU DON’T LEAVE!”

“But, no, clearly, we must have ONE MORE THAD MATCH! Thus, we find Thaddeus Duke! The last-minute entrant! Whom many believe is… a game-changing addition?!?”

NK squints confused, eyeing his notes in disbelief.

“Am I the only one that remembers last year’s WarGames? Thaddeus Duke won the Captain’s Match! He earned the right to the first overall pick! And selected a team so profoundly flawed, his team not only FAILED to clear the first round, they lost by TWO WHOLE TEAM MEMBERS!”

“Thaddeus Duke may be Mister Relentless, but he has the worst WarGames record in the event’s history!”

“THIS is who Mastermind believes is an ace-in-the-hole. A man who has never won a SINGLE WarGames match.”

NK spits on the ground, disgusted.

“Comrade Mastermind, by his ‘masterful’ design, has drafted a team of diverse failures… and a man who abandons anyone he perceives as weak.”

“Now, look across the ring.”

“You have Captain Calypso, a competitor with the heart of a champion and one of the longest TV Title reigns in company history!”

“Comrade Game Girl, whose escapades are discussed YEARS after her latest appearance! One of the most must-see talents in history! The most dominant Intercontinental Champion of All-Time!”

“Hanari Carnes! The man who ENDED Apex’s record-breaking 241-day Tag-Title reign. A feat only four have accomplished. One of the most gifted tag-competitors in wrestling history.”

“And anchoring the team?”

NK grins mischievously.

“MEEEEEEE! The ARCHITECT behind the destruction of Thaddeus Duke’s WarGames team. Who played young Thad like a fiddle with the last-minute substitution of Mark Flynn. Who… One could say… MASTERED THAD’S MIND.”

NK wrings his hands fiendishly.

“Team WarGames WorldRecord Speedrun 100% Any% was destined to become the greatest foursome in history the moment we joined forces.”

“But battling a team as weak as the WarMasters first?”

NK winks.

“That’s what we call… Lucky RNG.”