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Johnny Legend · (10-02-2020)

In some dank basement, Johnny Legend sits in front of a chalkboard, his back facing it. Adoring a pair of glasses, snazzy button-up shirt, and black tie; Johnny smiles into the camera and raises his arms up in excitement as a single light-bulb swings in the air above him.

"YES!"

"Another main event for good ole' Johnny Legend!" Johnny smacks his chest proudly. "And this time I'm tagging up with Thunder Knuckles! That guy is so badass! I know he'll give it his best. I just know it!"

"I mean..." Johnny with a nervous chuckle as he pushes up his glasses, "He's the current Television champion here! Of course he has to give it his best! WHY AM I YELLING!?"

"Sorry, just so excited!" Johnny calms himself, straightening his tie, he stares into the camera, "I know I'm suppose to hate on my partner because he holds a title I'm next in line for. I know this. Yet... Come on. Who can hate a guy like Thunder Knuckles!? He's funny. He's cool. He's.... He's from Ohio?" He shrugs.

"That's good, right?"

Johnny stares away from the camera, looking down at the ground, asking himself, "People from Ohio know how to wrestle? Right?"

"They enjoy hot dogs and buckeyes... Right? That combination makes for great wrestlers... RIGHT!?"

A single rat runs across the top of the chalkboard, unbeknownst to Johnny Legend; who can't quite keep his mind on track as he pictures himself with Thunder Knuckles.. So cool.

"Alright, now I'm asking too many questions. Let's get back on track..."

"..."

"What was I talking about?" Johnny asks, confuse as he stares into the camera.

"OH YEAH!"

"Yes sir, I am one lucky duck. I have the King of Mini-Events here in XWF."

"Mini-events. You know... That stupid shit some blockhead thinks of before some of these shows. Whatever you want to call them!? The Pokepedo tournaments. The Shot-Put thingies...WHATEVER YOU CALL IT! He's the KAAAANG of those."

"So yes, I am lucky. I need that sort of man to defeat the likes of Jim Jimson and "Lacklan's abortion in flannel" Charlie Nickles."

"Did that sound cool?"

"No?" Johnny says, holding back the tears from such a lame joke.

"Dammit. I'll never be able to sit at the cool table here with stupid fucking jokes like that!" He pumps his fists.

"I'm trying soooo hard to be like Thunder Knickles. I mean, Knuckles. He just has that badassness about him. Like, he's a walking Mountain Dew commercial from the nineties."

"HE'S SO FUCKING COOL! NOT LAME AT ALL! NEVER GET ANNOYING OR PLAYED OUT! NEVER!!!" Johnny yells, waving his arms side to side in the air for no reason.

"His coolness tickles my insides. Thunder Tickles. I shall whisper that into his ear when we are in the ring together. Maybe he's cool with two guys tickling? Nothing square about that?"

Johnny turns to the side, away from the camera and utters to himself, "Shut UP, Johnny! You'll scare him away with that weird shit!" He turns back to the camera with a smile across his face.

"Look. I'm sorry this had to happen to you guys, Charlie and Jim. I know Charlie is down in the dumps after his loss to Sarah Lacklan, but this is his chance to pick things up and move on. Move on from the little taste of glory XWF teased him with until they realized.. This guy... This isn't our guy. And chuck him back down to mediocrity with us blockheads... Except for Thunder Knuckles. I really think that guy should be next up against Sarah. I feel like he would give her a run for her money. I mean, who here would love to listen to Thunder Knuckles talk down to a woman for hours? His haircut alone would drive Sarah to orgasms the likes she have never felt before. That's probably the only way to defrost that pussy of hers."

Johnny shakes his head, "This is why I'm glad to have Thunder as my partner. People won't even care what I have to say. They'll just listen to Thunder Nickles and be like, ""WOAH! That was badass!"" And I'll just be like, ""RIGHT! HE'S MY PARTNER!" Which in turn, will make me cool by association!" He cheers for himself like a fucking moron.

"Now. Let's get serious for a bit. Jim Jimson. This man is really who I should be worried about. You ever stare into his eyes? It's like looking into death itself. This man has demons. YES HE DOES! I know. I see plenty of demons. Especially around this time of the year."

"You watch. Jim will explode one of these days. And when he does... Well.. I just hope it's not during this match. I couldn't take losing Thunder Knuckles when Jim... Wait.. Aren't these two friends? I swear I saw him in one of Thunder's promos when I was looking at the tapes."

Johnny rubs his chin, "Hmm."

"Should I be worried about this?"

Johnny takes a moment.

"Nah." He shakes his head.

"Thunder Knuckles has no friends. Well, he has me... But it's not official yet. IT WILL BE! WE WILL BE FRIENDS! Just like Andrew Logan is my best friend. I think? He let me sneak off with a victory at Ruthless Aggression. I mean Relentless. So... This would mean Johnny Legend has TWO friends?"

Johnny wipes imaginary sweat from his forehead, as it was completely dry. "All this news is overwhelming my poor brain."

"So many things are happening in my little world. I get the BlueRay title shot soon... I mean... Television. Yeah. That's it, right? Either way, Johnny gets a chance at gold. Johnny loves gold. It's really the only color that goes with Legend, to be honest. So I have to like that color... Why the fuck am I talking about what color I like?"

"If I keep sounding like a dork, Thunder will never take me as a friend. And if I have only one friend here in Andrew Logan... What's the point?"

Johnny says with disappointment, "You know, this bit was suppose to be about how clear headed I can be. Instead, I'm talking like a fucking moron." He takes his glasses off and sets them aside, "I may be old. I may have the attention span of a hummingbird, and enjoy watching Step-Mother porn a little toooo much. I am, however... Uh.. What was I getting to?"

"OH YEAH!" Johnny snaps his fingers.

"I am... NOT.. A douchebag."

Johnny Legend smiles and stares above the camera, "Was that good?"

A few seconds go by, "Hello?" Johnny walks over and behind the camera to see no one around.

"What the fuck?" He looks down at the camera, "This fucker wasn't even recording! WHAT THE FUCK!"

Johnny kicks the camera. "DAMN CONTRAPTION!"

"I'm not doing it again. I'm not." Johnny tells himself, as he paces back and forth in fit of anger.

"I mean.." He chuckles to himself, "Who cares?"

"I'll just blame the alzheimer or dementia, whatever gimmick I'm playing to lower these stupid blockhead's guard."

Johnny rubs his hands together, "Soon.. I will GET what I want. All this time away. XWF had to deal with a fake Johnny Legend after me. Soooon... Soon, they will ALL be aware of what I can AND will unleash upon this pathetic fucking federation. Muah.... MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

The camera cuts to a rat watching Johnny Legend from on top the chalkboard. The camera zooms into one of the rat's eyes, with Johnny Legend laughing in the reflection, as the scene fades to black... Yet.. The audio is still running somehow, on the camera Johnny kicked, as the regular camera crew left after the shot of the rat's eye.

"Alright.. What do I do now? Think, Johnny. Think. I could get something to eat? I think I played that part of the gimmick up enough? The whole not eating and yet I'm still a fat fuck."

"Ugh."

"I'm not good at this shit." Johnny says, as we hear him light up a cigarette and the sound of a belt unbuckling to ease his waist.

"Thunder Knuckles is gonna whoop my ass when we fight."

Static begins to rise until Johnny Legend's voice becomes unrecognizable and suddenly cuts out to some blockhead on a skateboard.

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