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Shawn Warstein · (04-17-2020)

The serpent struggles to free itself, clawing and biting at the restraints holding it to the ground. Cautiously I take a step towards it, and it doesn’t notice that I’m getting closer. I hold my hand out in front of myself, blade leading the way. With a deafening roar the beast rises and turns its attention towards my direction. To say I wasn’t scared would be a lie, but I pressed on, knowing I had but two options, the decision wouldn’t rest with me. Anything and everything that happens from here is at the discretion of the beast.

Each step I take the eyes get wider on the beast. I slowly reach a hand out to the beast. My hand rests on the deep green scales that adorn the entirety of the beast. As my hand falls, the beast thrashes back and both heads hiss and snarl at my presence.

“Easy there fella…” Again I lean forward, only this time I place a hand on one of the restraints. “If you calm down, I’ll let you get out of here.” The beast huffs and snarls as I grab one of the chains. Tentatively I begin to untangle the mess of iron at my feet, while not breaking my gaze on the serpent. Slowly the web of chains begins to unfurl, as a bead of sweat begins to drip down my brow.

As I toss the chain to the side, I focus on the one around the front head. As I glance towards the second head it seems to either be dead or asleep, judging from its lack of movement. My hand slowly reaches for the chain, as the serpent once again snaps, and I fall back towards the ground.

“Listen here you fucker…” In a huff I pull myself to my feet and begin to brush myself off. “If you would just simmer down, we both can get out of here in one piece. Now calm the fuck down and just let me get this chain off of your neck.” As I reach again, the beast bites down on my arm and rag dolls me across the cave floor.

As I slide into the rock wall my head hits the formation with an echoing thud. It takes me a moment to gather my senses. As I rub the back of my head it feels wet to the touch. I grimace as my hand falls into my vision, covered in a deep red, before I wipe my palm on the front of my pants. “This isn’t going the way that I had planned.”

As I walk towards the beast it turns itself to face my direction. I notice a greenish hue emanating from its chest, with what seems to be every heartbeat it dims and reilluminates. I search the cave floor and find the blade that was given to me, and I hold it in my left hand. With confidence I begin to approach the beast again, my heart beating a million miles a second.

“Now I don’t know if you can understand me, but that right there…” I point the knife towards the chest of the ‘animal’ in an exaggerated motion. “I’m thinking that’s what I have to get from you.” Palms up and a deep breath as I take my next few steps. “They said that you were a way to gain the favor of the Gods. One is to assume there was more than one way, but the way you’re reacting is telling me otherwise.”

A few more steps closer as the beast lowers its snout in a sign of submission.

“Maybe you can understand me.” I slowly remove the chain from around the neck and toss it aside. I take a huge sigh of relief as the serpent coils itself up and closes its eyes. With a loud puff the beast unfurls a cloud of dust from the floor of the cave right into my face causing a ferocious cough.

Rubbing my eyes to rod the debris I feel uneasy. Slowly I open my eyes, only to be met by the serpent standing tall over me, eyes glowing red. As it dives towards me, I dodge it with a quick roll and just as quickly hop up to my feet. Before I even had a second to catch my breath the beast had swung its tail with the second head my direction.

As I duck I roll forward towards the serpent, knife in hand as I swipe. The blade pierces the beast as it recoils. Blood begins to flow from the chest of the animal. A deep crimson liquid flows out of the wound, as I rear back and swing my blade again, connecting with the soft tissue of the animal and making the wound bigger. The beast begins to falter and lose steam. Falling on it’s back with a thud on the cave floor, once again causing the water droplets on the ceiling to fall cascading over the two of us in an impromptu rainfall.

I climb on the top of the beast with my blade firmly in my hand, as I stand straight up, raising the blade high above my head. With one final look at the beast as it struggles to fight back, I plunge the blade into its heart. One final breath and the body of the serpent goes limp. I begin to carve an opening into the chest of the animal. Wider and wider as the blue hue comes into focus. I reach down and grab a hold of it. I struggle to free it from the cavity. With the last of my energy I pull on the now visible blue orb and pull as hard as I am capable. The orb gives way, and sends me tumbling to the ground as I crash on the floor.

“Better luck next time…” As I pat the body of the slain beast and take a moment to catch my breath. Leaning up against the animal I inspect the blue orb. There’s nothing special about it from the first glance other than it glows. As I place the orb into my pocket I lean my head up against the animal.

“You see this is why you never tempt fate. It never seems to work out for the person tempting fate. So while I can sit back and be the bigger man and not respond… That’s just not my style now is it? I was more than content to allow you to stay silent in near the end of this race, yet you just couldn’t fucking help yourself could you? You had to fill your chest with air and blow hard. Well that’s nice and all but that’s not the route you should’ve gone there Chico.” As I press my fingertips to my chin and begin tapping^. “I mean we’ve been over this already, but you just didn’t get it. Maybe you’re just fucking too stupid to understand, or maybe the point went over your head…”

“Why the fuck are you still showing my face in your promos? I already told you that’s not the route to take, and yet once again I see my face. Please for the love of god if you’re going to do that then why not show the whole fucking thing? That’s right because you don’t want people to know what a real promo looks like, and then completely disregard everything you have to say. Spoiler Alert… They already do that.” I plug my fingers into my ears. “ La la la la I can’t hear you from inside my delusional head. I’m the best and I’ll show you on Saturday, It must get really tiring in your own brain. Imagining all the things you’ve accomplished, and then being woken up so harshly by that fickle bitch known as reality.”

“That’s just the point in all of this. I could stop right now, and not say another word, and what would you do? You’d still spit off the same shit for the what 6th promo in a row. Ahhh Chico you es a coward, Chu can’t beat me, I’s tha bestest Broken English aside, we have all heard it before. Not ONCE have I said I was running from you. The only thing you have is how I came across the title, but as I’ve stated we all know that’s just jealousy. Your brain is so broken that you have made it your sole focus to attack one thing and not thing only. Do you know what happens when people put all their focus on one thing?” I reach over my shoulder with my hand and point towards the beast with my thumb. “ They end up like this fella here. I tried to allow him an opportunity to walk away, yet like the mindless creature it was it didn’t take that as a blessing. No instead it continued to attack and I did what I had to do.”

“Right I forgot you were certified special. You see where I am right now, it’s called a dreamstate. /But Shawn what does that mean?’ I hear you mumble under your breath. Well, it’s a manifestation for wants, needs, and reality all combined into one. You and Grif are the beast.” I gasp and hold my hand to my chest in a surprised fashion. “It’s like the metaphor was lost on you. Want me to make it easier for you? The serpent had two heads. I am facing two unlikeable, unknown, and overall moronic jackasses. Is the metaphor starting to take hold in your pea brain? Well I suggest you wake up that pregnant gerbil and get it back up on that wheel or else it’s going to a bumpy ride for you the rest of the way.”

“So many thoughts coming out of your mouth, so little time. So where to actually begin? Well let’s start with the blatant misuse of the pride of Mexico, the piñata. Hanari did you do your research on that beloved children’s birthday gag? I’ll assume not. Since I’ve been a math teacher, science teacher and English teacher here, why not throw a bit of history out there as well?” I clap my hands together and continue on.“The modern piñata is known to be from Mexico, but here’s the kicker…”

“It actually dates back to the 1300’s in China, when Marco Polo saw it and brought it back to England. Then eventually it made its way to Spain, and somewhere in the 1400’s it made its way to what is now known as Mexico. So the piñata that you are comparing everything to is actually just you not knowing a goddamn thing. I didn’t expect you to look any further than what you’ve seen in a Party City, and on TV, but next time please just do us all a favor and stop trying so hard. Stop trying to act tough. Stop trying to act Mexican. Just stop trying. Not a single person on the known fucking planet talks like that, yet somehow you do.” As I shake my head in disgust, I begin to stand up. “It’s honestly insulting to me, to the fans, and everyone in the Latin community. Do you really think that little of the people you are representing? You are the living embodiment of a stereotype. It’s as if the only Mexican culture you have is what you’ve seen from Scarface. It’s really a disgrace, and it really pisses me off, so much so that when this is over, I will never step into a ring with you again.”

“What’s that? Hanari is already saying that’s a cowards move? Yeah I get it. We all know it’s the same song and dance with you. Honestly I’ve been rather patient with you. It’s one thing to say I won this title through nefarious means, which while true, doesn’t make me a coward. It means I’m smart. It shows for thought, something that you clearly have an issue with. It shows that because I waited I was able to reap all the rewards. You are chasing me, and I’m going to put you out of your misery like Old Yeller…” As I walk back towards the entrance of the cave, I kick a few stones on the ground, not really paying any attention to my surroundings. “Sorry I have to use broken Spanglish, I’ll put you down like an old perro. Yeah that should work. Again you keep rambling on and on about choosing my spot… I did. So let’s break everything down real simple for the last fucking time, because I hate repeating myself.”

“Why didn’t I do it at the Lethal Lottery? Because I was too busy winning the Lethal Lottery. Why didn’t I do it at Cuntfest? I was too busy, defending my title, winning the Main Event which was my second match of the night, running the show, commentating the show, and above all else BEING THE SHOW. You say I could’ve forced their hand? Hey moron… I did that when I cashed in. What aren’t you getting? Calling me scared? No I was too busy making titles that you can now go after more prestigious than they were when I got them. Look at them now. The X-Treme title was nothing. It was being passed around like a joint at Grif’s house, I knew I’d get a dig at him in here, now it’s around the waist of the FACE of the XWF. Then look at the Tag Team titles that you and Steven held for all of a cup of coffee. Now they are around the waists of a FORMER Universal Champion and as much as it pains me to say it, a LEGEND. So yeah Chico I was a little busy being ATLAS to this entire federation, keeping it relevant while I carried it on my back for six months.” As I get closer to the entrance the cave begins to illuminate from the outside. “So please tell me how I could’ve done more. Please tell me what I should’ve done differently, because we all know that if at any point during that time if you were in my shoes, you would’ve been left on the side of the road like the roadkill you really are.”

“I think that it’s really sad that you came here because of me. You looked up to me, and claimed to KNOW me. You stupid ignorant fuck, you didn’t know shit. You ASSUMED to know who I was based on what you saw on TV, much like your whole gimmick.” I begin pointing towards the front of the cave as we get closer and closer. “No Chico you’ve got it all wrong. You said that Shawn wants to be Fuzz? Are your listening skills that inept? You literally have my QUOTE right there and yet still somehow you fucked it up. Then again that just the story of your life isn’t it? All the “hype” and I say that word loosely only to come up a bit short when it really matters.”

“I absolutely loved how you compared my promos to Star Wars. You mean a mega hit? A Blockbuster? A Billion dollar franchise? Fuck man , thanks, I mean I knew something in that brain of yours wasn’t fried...wait you somehow meant it as an insult? Well that’s just stupid. I mean you say my promos have nothing on yours? Mine have depth, meaning, and doesn’t have to be translated from Spanish but I don’t even think that’s true. Honestly I don’t think you know how to speak Spanish and you throw that at the beginning of yours so people will think that you do, it's a clever tactic but I see through the facade.” I reach the end of the cave and emerge out into the open air. The sun shines down as I look towards the blue skies. “Hanari, you want to know why everyone makes fun of your accent? It’s because it’s faker than Roxy’s tits. It faker than Peter’s marriage. Seriously you’re better served begging Centurion for a Hart title shot when I’m done with you.”

“And that’s just it. Me basking in all of MY winnings. Walking around with my head held high. That’s the biggest difference between the two of us. While I’ve always won, you’re always looking for the next opportunity to show why you should be taken seriously. You know it, I know it, hell the entire world knows it.”

“You don’t deserve to be here with me at the same time. You talk about how you’re going to rip my arm off. I’ll bet you every peso that I have in the bank that I walk out of Savage limbs still intact because all you do is talk. When I said I was going to become the Universal champion, what happened? When I said I was going to get rid of the 5’2’’ Mafia, what happened? When I told the world that Engy would be afraid to face me in the ring, what HAPPENED when I took the title from him?” As I take a deep breath and a look of empathy comes across my face. “They all laughed and said that I wasn’t capable. Yet where are they all now? Gone. Poof. They all said the same shit that you are and guess what?”

“If it didn’t bother me when it came from them, it sure as hell isn't going to bother me when it comes from you. I’ve had better men and women try to take me down, and I’m still here. I have had better people try to belittle everything I’ve done and accomplished, but I still did it. Hanari I’ve fought, beaten and embarrassed better men and women than you. So please tell me what the fuck do I have to fear from you?”

I stand there for a moment when out of the brush a rustling is heard. I raise the blade in a defensive position and wait for whatever is approaching. As the scene fades.

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