In....THE HOUSE OF TRUTH!

As we return to our intrepid...well, certainly NOT a hero, we see that Madison Dyson and Elon Musk are once more fully clothed. The shot we open on is one of them from about mid-torso up, with the surrounding details looking a bit fuzzy. Madison is once again wearing the bitchin' shades from before, and we can tell that the insane neon lighting is back in force. Elon, seemingly unaffected by the lighting, is without shades.

So, this is the thing that's gonna give me powers?

Absolutely.

Madison looks unconvinced. Elon holds his hands out. Okay, okay, I can see you're skeptical, but after you hear this maybe you won't be such a Doubty Debby!

Madison mouths “Doubty Debby” and shoots Elon the stink eye from beneath the shades, but he plunges on ahead anyway.

Ten years ago I got a report of the people in a small village in Tunisia going insane after some kind of meteorite fell just outside their town. Using some of my connections, I made sure me and my team were the first ones on the ground to investigate. By the time we got there, the towns people weren't just going insane, they were MUTATING! Their DNA was being constantly recombined with everything around them...everything! It was horrific, some serious Cronenberg shit! I'll never forget seeing a 62 year old man whose arms were starting to turn into solid brick lose his fucking mind and start caving in the skull of a kid who was starting to take on the properties of an Oreo Cookie! I will never look at DoubleStuf the same way again!

Madison looks at him askance but he is once again undeterred. The shot starts to close in on his face, Elon's pupils dilate, and he starts to take on a more emphatic and excited mien.

When my team got to the site of the space object, I was ECSTATIC to find that it wasn't a meteorite at all, but GENUINE ALIEN TECH! There was a bit of a hiccup when two of my team members immediately suffocated because their faces sealed over with the same material their HAZMAT suits were made out of, but we were able to contain the anomaly and bring it back to the United States with only a minimal casualty count of 47.

Madison's eyes practically bug out of her head. The shot closes in on Elon more as his expression becomes even more fervent, his eyes still more manic and unfocused. Soon after we got stateside, something compelled me to sleep with the alien tech. Everyone warned me not to, said I was mad for even considering it given how dangerous it was! But somehow I knew....I knew IT CHOSE me. So I tucked it close to me that first night back like a lover, gently big spooning it and whispering sweet nothings into its pulsing nodules. Elon starts to sweat, and an eerie smile creeps on his face. And it rewarded me. It spoke terrible wonderful secrets to me, told me how its powers could be HARNESSED...CONTROLLED! It told me how to create a CHAOS ENGINE that could give mortal man power beyond its wildest dreams, the ability to shape our very DNA to our whims! When I awoke, the CHAOS ENGINE'S form and function were somehow KNOWN to me! Down to the tiniest detail! He licks his lips and his face tics. It was then, a simple matter of translating this unspeakable knowledge into tangible reality. He looks at Madison, as though suddenly remembering she was there. Oh! So....yeah....that's how....

Madison points to the Chaos Engine.



It's a fucking gumball machine! She prods it with her finger tip. And it looks old as shit. Those gumballs will probably give you cancer!

It's a CHAOS ENGINE! This is the form it spoke to me!

Madison rolls her eyes. Fine! So how does it work?

Well, it's simple really. Each of those recombination spheres....

The gumballs?

…..yeah. Each of those creates a different, discrete DNA mutation that gives you a random power. However, it only grants a single power at a time, so if you try one gumball and don't like it, you can just try another one to replace the previous power. We've also determined through extensive testing that the powers are temporary, they max out at a couple weeks or so.

Super convenient way to spitball numerous ideas in the same promo spot!

Huh?

Nevermind. Soooooooo, what's the over under on one of these things like turning my body inside out and killing me outright?

Well, we haven't had a fatality yet from the Chaos Engine DIRECTLY. He looks off to the side. Some indirect ones though....

Madison shrugs. Well, YOLO! Let's kick this fuckin' pig! How do you....?

Elon takes out a quarter and puts it in the Chaos Engine.

Naturally.

He turns the archaic brass dial and a green gumball pops out the mouth. Madison picks it up and takes a deep steadying breath before popping it in her mouth. At first nothing happens, but suddenly Madison starts to wring her arm in pain. And then, a pimple like orb starts to grow on her forearm. What?! EW, EW, EW! The pimple grows to about the size of a baseball before budding off and plopping to the floor. Madison and Elon take a step back from the fleshy sphere as it continues to grow and expand, finally taking a human like form. The features fill out and even grow clothes until what stands between them is an exact clone of Madison Dyson, except with a butch, short cropped haircut and a thick muff of unshaken arm pit hair.

Fascinating!

The Madison clone is wearing an Indigo Girls shirt and she looks pissed! ALL MALE GAZE IS RAPE CULTURE! SUBSCIBE TO MY NON-BINARY FEMINIST BLOG “THE MUFF” OR YOU HATE WOMEN!

And she's an exact opposite of you! Elon marvels. Hold on, I need to record this!

This isn't a fucking power, it's my worst NIGHTMARE! FUCK THIS! Madison open palm slams another quarter into the machine and spits out the green gumball. She immediately replaces it with a purple one, and her woke clone collapses into a puddle of goo. Madison starts to chew, and then, all of a sudden, she sneezes. In fact, she sneezes so quickly she doesn't even have a chance to cover up and ends up sneezing right in Elon's face.

Thanks, Maddy. Elon starts wiping his face.

That one snuck up on me.

Do you feel any different?

Not...really? She screws her face up. But, over the period of a minute, you notice some subtle changes in her expression. A frown tugs at her lips, and her posture seems more downtrodden. In fact, Elon looks the same. Actually, I kind of am feeling.....weird.

Yeah...yeah....me too....

She looks to Elon. Say, you wanna like...hang out more? Like, invite a whole bunch of people? Maybe we could do a pot luck or....

….a board game night?

Yeah! Yeah, we could....and then, quite abuptly, both she and Elon burst into tears.

Oh Jesus, I feel so empty inside!

Me too! What is this feeling?! Why do I suddenly feel like I want to be around people?!

I feel the same way!

Like you want to hobnob amongst the common folk, even?

Yeah! It's awful!

What is going on?!!

Elon rubs a forearms across his tears, and it looks like something just dawned on him. Oh..oh! I think you got contagious loneliness!

Contagious loneliness?! Madison scoffs in between sobs. That's BULLSHIT!

Better than contagious homocidality. We've seen that one before! Quick, get another one!

Madison drops another quarter in and a yellow gumball is spit out. Madison drops that one down the hatch.

Well?

Hold on! I'm trying to... she works it around in her mouth. Yeah...yeah....I don't....


****BLAAAAAAAARRRFFFFFFFF****


Madison's body suddenly bucks forward and she vomits up a stream of BEES!

Oh my god!

FUCK ME, THAT WAS AWFUL! THAT WAS-


*****BBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRFFFFFFFFFF!!!*****

Her face goes beet red as even more bees get vomited up, a whole swarm of stinging angry little bastards!

HEEEELLLPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEEE!


*****BBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRFFFFFFFFFF!!!*****

She pukes up even more bees, in a gout of frenzied insectoid fury! The massing swarm goes after Elon, surrounding him and attacking him, he swats feebly at the attackers yelling and running out of camera range!

LATER!

We return to Madison and Elon, who are laying on the floor at the foot of the Chaos Engine. Elon is covered in bee stings. They both look utterly exhausted.

Elon, all of these powers SUCK SWEATY TAINT!

He winces painfully. Sometimes the results can be somewhat erratic.

Madison looks incredulous. This isn't “erratic”, Elon, it's DRIZZLIN' SHITS! We've tried over 20 powers and this one is the closest thing we've gotten to tolerable! And it's not even useful, it just isn't as actively awful as the rest.

The camera pans down to Madison's legs. She has her pant legs rolled up and it seems like her own legs have been replaced with the toned, and very very African American, legs of Olympic speed runner Usain Bolt!

What do you mean? This power is pretty good, you can run fast!

I have black people legs, Elon! I'm a walking 3/5 Compromise now! She pounds her fist on the floor. This blows!

Elon shifts his weight, drawing another painful grimace. Well, we just have to keep trying.

Madison groans loudly. She lifts herself up on her haunches, flexing her new powerfully built ebony calf muscles. Looking directly into the camera, she gives the universal signal for IT'S PROMO TIME!

Oh yeah, yuck it up you SHIT GIBBONS! Actually, you know what, scratch that, “shit gibbon” singular. Because we all know Cadryn's too busy gettin' his salad tossed at Brokeback Ranch to spare a word here.

So....Cavalry. This bitch right here thinks he knows me after doing a cursory read through of my write up on the XWF site and spending about two solid minutes Googling my allies while on the shitter in the Fortress of Solitude. Madison makes a jerking off motion. And then, upon remembering she's part black now, makes a jerking motion on an even bigger dick.

So, what? You trying to run a train on my fee-fees by telling me what I believe is abhorrent? You think I don't know that? Honey, for as long as you've been in the super heroing business you still don't know a fucking super villain when you SEE one?

My awfulness is on the LABEL, you NONCE. And my awfulness gets shit done. Because for as much as you like to deride me as some lowly towel fetcher, the fact is I have managed not one but TWO XWF Universal Champions. And before that, I was a champion of my own across FOUR different promotions. But apparently despite having super strength and flight you're still not able to find your way onto page two of a Google search result.

But yeah, I've taken a back seat in my own career to serve others. And considering the sheer power and promise of the people I've chosen to serve, I'd say I've traded up from scrabbling about on wrestling shows fighting witless Becky's for the right to call themselves champion. You know, you try to make it out like it's a bad thing to hitch your wagon to something MORE than you. Now, maybe the reason you don't understand this is because you're a secret alien or some shit, but that's pretty much the story of human history. People affixing themselves to a cause is how things change, it's how upheaval happens. If it wasn't, we'd still be picking our assholes with our fingers and waiting for Enkidu to make it stop raining.

And despite all your virtue signaling horse shit, the cold hard fact is that bastards like ME make this world go round. Maybe that's not how it was on Alpha Cuntari, but on Earth? Stepping on faces is the surest way to get to the top. You think people get in the history books by bending over backwards for others? By letting the meek cut in line, or being quick to say “I'm sorry”? Hell no, boy scout! You wave that big dick around, slapping faces left and right with that mushroom stamper and proudly announce to the world “fuck you, got mine”! Madison flips the camera the bird with aplomb..

Now let's talk about this whole “fear” thing sweetums. Let's talk about how the great and mighty Cavalry, that space faring, evil thwarting, shining beacon of truth, justice and Unisom consumption is here on Earth...beating up humans. I mean, for a guy with your abilities, shouldn't there be some kind of, I don't know, intergalactic tournament where you can fight big fuckoff aliens that are more your speed? But noooooo, here you are slummin' it up with mere mortals. People you can probably turn into diaper shitting quadriplegics with nothing but a limp wristed slap. Heh. Yeah, seems like kind of a BITCH move to me.

Oh, but I'M the one living in fear? The one WILLINGLY stepping into the ring with a living God?Sure, bitch. And see, that's the problem with people who see the world in simple black and white like you do. Shove those silver age era comic books right up that impossibly sculpted ass and lose those pretensions of what you think the bad guys are SUPPOSED to be like. Just because I'm EVIL, doesn't mean I'm COWARDLY. I don't live in fear, I MAKE the fear! I've spent my entire life flaunting those “shouldn't” and “couldn't”'s. Saying the things that most people just think but are terrified of speaking aloud. Living my life exactly the way I want while giving exactly zero lickity SHITS about what anyone thinks.

I'm gonna crib something from my client The Engineer, here. He's particularly fond of the saying....



Mmmm...yeah, that's the stuff. Now look, we already know you're not a GOOD person, Calvary. If you were a good person would you feel the need to show boat your unnatural abilities in an arena largely composed of people who have no hope of matching them? Nah, you're a petty self serving git looking for an ego stroke.

So what does that leave? You just lack the courage to be evil. Jesus fucking KEEE-RIST, man! You could do almost anything you want. Take whatever you want. BE whatever you want. You could even pull a Dr. Manhattan and just go decide to hang out with your wang out someplace a bit less tropical. But no. You play the pretense of being a good guy. It's kinda funny, there's actually a lot of parallels between you and The Engineer's last challenger, Robbie Bourbon!

But the point is this. Get off your high horse. You're a narcissistic bastard like the rest of us. Why else would you even be here? But you're too scared to be what YOU are. Too scared of what a bunch of easily breakable TOYS would say about you. See, I don't have that problem. And I don't even have the luxury of having super powers. Yet.

Madison pops up onto her feet with ease thanks to her sprighty new legs. Alright, Elon, up and at 'em! I'm not afraid to keep forging ahead! We'll find a decent power yet! She looks down at him. ...Elon?

Elon seems to have swelled immensely, his face red as a berry. A tiny wheeze is all that escapes from his throat. Madison makes a “welp” face.

Go go gadget, “Living Epi Pen”? She drops another quarter in the Chaos Engine and hopes for the best!