From Ruby’s Go-Pro

Ruby: “Hey, you know what? I think I’m starting to turn this franchise around, my flippies.”

We meet our Lethal Lottery semi-finalist out on the streets. She’s wearing a fluorescent, sleeveless vest on top of her hoodie, and has a trash bag slung over her shoulder. Not that you can see that, with the camera attached to her safety helmet, but you can see the waste grabber in her other hand, its pincers picking up the bits of litter people have oh so carelessly left by the wayside. Down in the garbage bag they go. Making the community a nicer place one piece of trash at a time.

Ruby: “See, I used to serve this community here, ya know? Running over rooftops, catching bad guys and giving them a taste of their own medicine. The banana lime terror of each and every crook this side of the Potomac! But there are different ways to serve the people, and definitely not all of them involve violence! Sure, it’s extremely effective to choke out a handbag thief with his own belt until he goes blue. If his life flashes before his own eyes, he can re-examine his own mistakes and maybe learn a thing or two, analyze where it all went wrong and maybe take up a decent trade or go back to school! Take up plumbing for example! But I don’t do that stuff anymore. Nah, I’m serving the community by cleaning up these streets in a very different way. Proper tidy, this. And I’m not just doing that, I’m taking a page out of the book of my fellow XWF Superstars.”

Ruby arrives at a wheelie bin and opens the lid before throwing the bag inside. She slams it shut and taps on the cover, slowly nodding a few times, happy with her own effort.

Ruby: “I am, of course, talking about recycling! We all do it in our different ways. I make sure this waste gets processed by the cult of sustainability, giving new life to used materials to help make the planet a nicer place!”

She sighs, taking off the helmet she’s wearing as well as the GoPro attached to it. She aims it at herself. Her cheeks are a bit flushed and her hairline moist from the sweat, but the twinkle in her eyes is there.

Ruby: “Unfortunately, most of the XWF guys just recycle their promo’s. Pity, that. Think of all the beer cans some of these guys go through on a daily basis! And I’m PRETTY sure Peter Gilmour flushes his used condoms through the toilet, even though legend says he wouldn’t be caught dead wearing one. …he probably won’t. And I’d be very surprised if Amjetkun Socio doesn’t just throw his steroid needles out onto the street. I think I picked one up earlier. That’s not the way to get swole, my guy! Anyway, I digress. Recycling promo’s! Of course, not everybody’s guilty of this, but it’s hard not to get a severe case of déjà vu five minutes after getting the “Noah Jackson has just uploaded…” notification in your inbox. C-word, c-word, c-word… by the looks of him he doesn’t even both with the rinse… and repeat! Lame-oooo! Of course I subscribe to all the material that my fellow wrestlers put out, but after a while you just wonder why you even bother. But hey! Professional courtesies are the bomb! GO professional courtesies! And just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean it isn’t the right thing to do!”

Ruby chuckles as she recalls what she actually has been wanting to say all along. She blows a strand of hair out of her face and tries to stop herself from snickering but is entirely unsuccessful. It evolves into a giggle and crescendos into as much of a belly laugh as her washboard abs would allow. She doubles over and gets to her knees, keeping one hand on the lid of the bin to stop herself from completely keeling over.

Ruby: “Hah! Man. Man oh man…”

She wipes a tear from her eye and shakes her head.

Ruby: “I’ll give you guys this much… sometimes it’s entertaining as all motherhecking flip! I can see why Brian “The Box Office” O’Haire has gotten his name, because he certainly shouldn’t be called “Brain Box”. My guy, that cascade of drivel that you tortured our eyes and ears with last week, what was that all about? Funnier than 50% of comedy movies in cinema’s right, and ten times funnier than Pixels, although that’s still not saying much. I’m really trying not to be a condescending anal stain here, but guys like you are the reason King Leonidas barred Ephialtes from joining his ranks. One weak spot and the phalanx shatters, right? I’m sure Tony Santos is regretting he didn’t have the same choice, because it looks like he’s going to have to babysit you big time, and not even be allowed to take what he wants out of the fridge or order something on Pay Per View. That’s cruel, bud.”

Ruby straightens her back and recycles her earlier monologue break up movement by wiping another tear from her eye and shaking her head. Isn’t it ironic?

Ruby: “But don’t get me completely wrong. I appreciate you stanning the flip outta my promotional work. Must’ve been stuck to that screen, taking notes with every movement of my lips, scribbling down clever comebacks every single time I uttered your name. I mean, it’s the only reason I can think of why almost everything you said was in direct response to me. I’m not sure that’s how it’s supposed to work… one might think you don’t have any original idea’s! You wouldn’t be the first guy I’ve encountered in this federation who lacks those, but holy ishing flipperballs, did you lay it on thick. I’d like to say Tony Santos made more sense than you. Buuuuut…”

She rubs the weariness out of her eyes before sighing.

Ruby: “Yeah, I can’t even do that. Look Tony, my guy, I understand your troubles. I’m anything but unsympathetic towards them. But what’s this utter tripe about ‘your opponent not knowing struggles’? You don’t know half of the stuff I went through. I could go on and on about them, but that’s neither interesting or relevant at this point in time. Contrary to popular belief, people rambling on and on about their past does not necessarily make for quality entertainment, you know. You said I hide behind a façade to hide my shortcomings? My guy, I took OFF my façade, precisely because I felt inadequate! I had to become me again, before I felt I was worthy of becoming something more. Honestly, did you just blurt out hollow, generic phrases, hoping they’d stick or make sense? Did you just ball up some assumptions and tried to hit a cheap home run, thinking you wouldn’t be called out on it? Is that really how little you think of me? Son, I am disappoint. And yes, I intended to say it that way because it feels like I just gotta cross into meme territory in order to get a point across with some of you guys. I mean, you get an A for effort, but also an F for effort, you know? This ain’t jazz, you can’t just rely on your skills and improvise in order to score a hit. This is wrestling, fam. Classical music. Jazz is great for clubs, but we’re out here in the Royal Albert Hall of pro wrestling, and this audience is expecting Mozart. I’m not trying to liken myself to history’s greatest composer, although I have a weak spot for Haendel. Baroque is so underrated, don’t you guys think? Music for the Royal Fireworks just might be my favorite piece ever written, although The Blue Danube is one heck of a guilty pleasure. And…”

Ruby’s eyes trail off for a second before looking back into the camera.

Ruby: “I’ve lost you guys, haven’t I? Anyway, if you’re still watching I just wanna say you’re the real MVP! Go, you!”

Ruby winks at the camera, and she grabs the waste grabber she’d left standing next to the bin.

Ruby: “Anyway, I’m signing off for now and am gonna clean up a few more blocks. If you liked this video, don’t forget to leave a comment, and feel free to like, share and subscribe! You can follow me at @ruweby on Twitter, or send some fan mail to the XWF head offices! And if you’re feeling particularly awesome, go out the door right now and do some plogging! Stay fit, clean up the planet! See ya!”

*the scene cleverly fades to black. Clearly done in post-production! If only more scenes would fade to bl… oh wait, every single one seems to do that already. Man, how do you end these things originally? If you know of something, please let us know in the comments down below. We read every single comment and it’s great inspiration. Not as much inspiration as waiting for your opponent to put up their promo so you can respond to it entirely, but then again ‘cold open’ sounds like it was invented by communists, right? Is this thing still on? Oh, and be sure to be on the lookout for Brian “Box Office” O’Haire’s SECOND reaction promo!*

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For as much as people liked to refer to wrestlers as ‘circus artists’, Ruby sure did have a hard time juggling. Responsibilities, mostly. She never had expected to be where she was right now. When signing up for the XWF, she had welcomed her return to pro wrestling, but it had never really been her plan to return full-time. Anarchy had been ideal. One show every two weeks, leaving plenty of room to do other stuff. But her enthusiasm had overtaken her. And before she knew it, she was on the verge of challenging Sarah Lacklan for the (real) Anarchy Championship, and one match removed from the final of the Lethal Lottery. She had had to train almost non-stop to return to peak physical health, even at the cost of her mental one. It was hard not to lose her sense of fun, which could do a number on you if you weren’t careful, but she was determined to see this Lethal Lottery through for as long as she could.

She tossed the sweaty towel to the side after having finished her last superset. Hard work was often its own reward, and yet Ruby felt something she hadn’t felt in a long time… ambition. The will to do more than just win and entertain. As she unscrewed the cap of her protein shake filled bottle, she realized she wanted to be successful again. And this Lethal Lottery was a golden opportunity. A sign that she could be a team player, but also a way to impose her will on the rest of the roster. She realized that last bit sounded a bit villainous, but she knew it wasn’t intended to be anything like that. She just wanted to show her colleagues that there was another way. That you didn’t have to be a scat-loving potty mouth to make a name for yourself. That you didn’t have to bump your monologues with neverending profanity to hide the fact you never really had anything to say to begin with.

She chugged the shake, remembering to take in some amino acids in a bit. Her regime was tough, but she knew that it no longer sufficed to be the hardest worker in the room. Everybody worked hard at this level, and anyone who claimed they worked harder than everybody else was just a fool looking for a cheap catchphrase. Because as much as people liked to make fun of guys like Gilmour or Drezdin, even they were the results of years and years of arduous training. Sure, some guys openly admitted to taking steroids, and it surprised Ruby that they hadn’t outright been fired yet, hello XWF drug policy are you alive? But maybe XWF was just weird like that. A reason for its popularity no doubt, and a lifespan that literally encompassed decades. But surely even that grew boring? Maybe it was time for something a bit more… wholesome.

Ruby grinned, realizing how futile these thoughts would be if she crashed out in the semi-finals. And how ironic it was that about 50% of her future hopes and dreams in this company were riding on Mastermind, of all people. Now, as far as ‘lesser of evils’ figures in XWF went, Mastermind wasn’t a bad partner to team up with. He seemed committed, if nothing else, and if he came up short it wouldn’t be for a lack of trying. At least he had guaranteed he wouldn’t make excuses, which was a breath of fresh air in this landscape. The blame game was played as frequently as the upcoming show would allow, with very few superstars actually willing to look into the mirror to try and figure out exactly why they’d taken that L. Why do that if you could point your finger, and shift blame? But those were the same people who usually had just another defeat waiting in store for them. Ruby wasn’t going to fall into that trap any time soon.

She sat herself down in her couch, sweat still dripping down her back. She was going to do this. Mastermind and her. Win or lose. Success or failure. But whatever would happen… there could be no excuses.