From Ruby’s Go-Pro

Ruby: “What is uuuuuuuuuuuuup, my guys??”

We meet our superhero-turned-generic-girl on the precipice of All Hallow’s Eve, her GoPro mounted to the wall as she stands in front of her apartment’s walk-in closet. She throws up a rather ridiculous gang sign that you’d normally only see being used ironically in a Fresh Prince of Bel Air throwback moment (which is exactly what it is), and leans against the closet.

Ruby: “Gosh flippin’ heck, eh? Quite the scary week it’s been! From #Anarchoween to Saturday Night SPOOKS, seems like you can’t escape it. Skeletons and ghosts everywhere! Hipster girls begging for some extra pumpkin spice in their moppa froppa chop choi lattes. It’s been fun! Halloween is a great time of year: a time of remembrance and charity. Of togetherness through jump scares, and camaraderie through laughing at each other’s attempts at a scary outfit. Not saying I look down on those people, mind you. Everybody who puts in an effort deserves recognition! I don’t see why people look down on participation trophies; heck, my cabinet is filled with them! But I digress. Back to Halloween and its merits!

“Or should I say: shortcomings? Because unfortunately it is also a time of severe tooth decay! Which is why I want to put out this message to parents of children great and small: brush those chompers properly, at least two times a day, folks! I was thinking about bringing out my own brand of toothpaste, but then Noah would probably bring out his own brand of C-word Paste and beat our butts at the upcoming show, before proceeding to claim how phenomenally inventive he is. So I didn’t. But more on that later! Back to Halloween!

“See, for some people Halloween means taking their kids around the block and get some candy while taking on some scares. Remember to brush! For others it’s cosying up next to one another and watch scary movies. For some unfortunate souls it means yelling at kids to get off their darn lawns! In any case, it means subjecting yourselves to a bit of horror. But God flippin’ darn it, I dare say that nobody has been subjected to as much horror as yours truly right here. Let me explain! See, I signed up for this Lethal Lottery thingamajig. I knew it was risky. There are some weird personalities on this XWF roster with which I didn’t think I would gel properly, but the prize offered was simply too great not to dive in head-first and take a bit of a risk. And then the draw came… I was excited, you know? Who’d I get? Rebel Star? Donovan Blackwater? Maybe even Vita Valenteen, my #Anarchoween teamie? The legend in making that is Jim Jimson?? But nope! I got Peter. Flippin’. Gilmour.”

Ruby takes a deep breath and shakes her head.

Ruby: “Now lookie here, buds. I’m not one to lose my enthusiasm quickly. I’m not one to slump her shoulders and get down in the dumps. I’m not one to complain about wrestling cards, demanding stipulations get changed or any of that sort of thing. And initially? I wasn’t. I didn’t know Gilly all that well, and thought that if anybody could turn that franchise around, it’d be little old me! And people seemed excited about the match at first, as well. I still remember Vinnie texting me a few minutes after the draw. I’ve never seen so many eggplants in one text, it was something to behold. And sometimes it’s the odd pairings that are the most successful. We can’t all be a 5’2 Mafia after all. So then I texted him. Which means he had my number.”

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. Another big, long gasp rolls forth from Ruby’s mouth as she leans her back against the closet and throws up her hands in the air.

Ruby: “BAD mistake, let me tell you! I’d… show you what he sent me, but there are a couple of reasons why I will not. Firstly because there may be children watching. Secondly, because he might get arrested and I still need him in my corner, believe it or not. Thirdly, I don’t want my vloggies marked with the ‘explicit’ tag, shudder the thought. And fourthly, because Vinnie said he’d pay good money to watch them in person and I could use some extra dough for stuff like running water and electricity. Of course, I’m talking about Super D Pics, as he likes to call them. A lot of them. A plethora of them. And it wasn’t a pretty sight. The weirdest thing was that he accompanied them with a message of how he could flip me all day and night whilst eyeing me up and down, but… how? With THAT thing? Gilly my guy, I ain’t one for bodyshaming but holy moly have my values been tested. I mean, how can I describe it? It’s like staring into the sun, meaning that it’s imprinted into your retina’s without actually being able to SEE anything! It’s also like a black hole, which everything gets sucked into but at the same time, there’s NOTHING! You know how eggplants are commonly used to represent the male genitalia? Well, his is kinda like a vegetable, but not an eggplant. More like a potato, except I can’t figure out if it looks more like a French fry or a heap of mash. I don’t know, I guess I’m fascinated by it? Weirdly? I’ve watched a lot of documentaries, you know? And this is some National Geographic ish, let me tell you. I don’t know all that much about his personal background, but I could swear he’s gone through some kind of Amazon tribe adulthood ritual. My closest guess is you have to chop it up into tiny bits and then piece it together with super glue except some bits are missing? Isn’t that how they make Pringles? Except you’d never pop THAT thing, although… it does look like a zit or blister, too, so I don’t know? Jeez, my guys, it’s really hard to keep this thing in PG territory. It might be my hardest challenge to date.”

Ruby looks up at the ceiling for a second. She retches for a second before regaining control over her own body. A chill visibly goes down her spine as she shudders.

Ruby: “Yeah, very poor choice of words there. But maybe we should move on, eh?

“Let’s take a look at our upcoming opponents. Because for better or worse, Gilly and I will have to co-exist. It won’t be easy, but it wouldn’t be the weirdest thing I’ve seen since signing this XWF contract. We’ll be facing off against Liam Roberts and some other guy. I’ve seen a lot of disrespect being thrown towards poor Liam. But hey, he’s a twenty year old kid from the Canadian London. Cut him some slack, eh? I mean, we all remember being twenty. Unless you have early onset Alzheimer’s, which a lot of wrestlers seem to be suffering from. Isn’t that horrible? I should make a note of that, because it really deserves its own awareness campaign. But I probably won’t, because then Noah will probably start his own C-Word Awareness Campaign and win a world title or something. Something, to be honest, we’d all be happy to forget if that ever happened. But I digress!

“Yeah, this Liam Roberts kid, seen a lot of disrespect heaped on top of his body, which many seem to think is already decomposing. I don’t really know the guy, but many claim he’s SO terrible that his tag team partner, his name slips from my mind for a second here, would actually be better off if this was a handicap match. Because then he might actually pin Gilly! Granted, a lot of people have said the same about our team. About how Gilly is a weak link, etcetera. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in this company, it is never to take wins for granted. I’m sure everybody has lost a match and gone ‘How the flip did that happen?’ Trust me, I’ve been there. The one where you sit back up in the middle of the ring and can’t believe your own eyes and ears. So no, I’m not counting out Liam Roberts! Nobody should! I’m sure he’s a hard working fellow who tries his best, you know. We can’t judge him. It’s all too easy to be a detractor these days. Showing respect is apparently the hardest thing to do for a contemporary wrestler. I’m sure many XWF wrestlers claim that it’s because they are ‘old school’ and have an ‘old school mentality’. Flippin’ heck, my guys, old school is all about respect! Try telling your teacher in the 1950’s to go flip himself and you’d have a severe case of ruler-on-nekkid-butt-cheeks. Personally, I just think it’s entitlement. We all think the sun shines out of our own backside. Which is why you should treat ANY opponent with respect. And which is why I will treat Liam Robert like an equal. And as for his partner… Who was he again?”

Ruby quickly takes her phone, scrolls to the XWF website, spends five minutes browsing to find the upcoming card because how do you even find anything on there, and then snaps her fingers.

Ruby: “Oh, that’s right! Noah Jackson! Man, he completely escaped my mind for a hot minute right there. Not that I’m complaining. It’s pleasant to forget all about him. I wish I could do the same with Gilly’s genitalia. Maybe Noah and Gilly’s parts can get together for a whispering session wherein Noah teaches Gilly’s penis what it’s like to be forgettable and one-dimensional. If the XWF booking team is looking in on this, as they probably should, then all I can say is I hope you make that happen!

“Unfortunately this is still a glint in the booker’s eye, so back to the subject of Noah Jackson! We’ve crossed daggers a few times by now, not in the way he and Fuzz have, and it’s all been well documented how that transpired. No need to go over that again. After all, who wants to keep beating a dead horse with a stick, eh? Have you ever wondered how weird that expression is, by the way? I mean, how did that phrase make it into an expression? Was it a common thing back in the day? Did people of ages past beat dead horses with a stick to get them up and ploughing again? Or is that just what the XWF die hards refer to when they mean they’re ‘old school’? I think it’s a little bit of column A and a little bit of column B. But I digress. Back to the subject of Noah Jackson!

“He’s obviously a troubled kid. Which is why I don’t want to make fun of him too much. Imagine when you’re getting off the bus, and the lady in front of you is carrying a baby in her arms, all helpless and vulnerable. With the most careful of steps she gets off, but due to some unforeseen circumstance, she slips! She drops the baby, right on its head! Is that funny? No! It’s a tragedy! And probably what befell our poor Noah a few times too many when he was younger. So when I hear people ask me the question: ‘Ruby? Do you hate Noah Jackson?’ Then my answer is a resounding ‘NO!’! I pity him, if anything, because he lacks a fair few points in the brain department that is responsible for his vocabulary, and I’m starting to think I know why.

“But hey! Whatever may or may not have happened to weird little Noah back when he was a child, at least he’s got a few things going for him now. Just look at the bond he’s built up with little Fuzzywuzzy! I do get enormous Oedipus or Electra vibes, not sure which, off of that relationship to be honest. But hey, they’re not related biologically they claim, so if they find love in each other’s arms I certainly won’t judge! And apart from the fact that Noah likes to spend a whole lot of time with Fuzz near sensual candlelight, he’s amassed quite a bit of a following! It IS a bit suspicious, not gonna lie. After all, I’ve heard people heaping praise upon Noah for a while, in the same way they’ve heaped shade on Liam Roberts. But I’ve always suspected… are they doing this ironically? These people proclaiming ‘Noah is always so funny and entertaining and one of the best things going! Star of the month, nay the year!’ I always ask myself if they’re being disingenuous or not, because it’s a bit of a ridiculous statement, like saying the current climate change isn’t man-made, or how Bernie Sanders shouldn’t have been on the ticket in 2016. But let’s not get too political here! After all, this is wrestling, and we all know there are zero politics in wrestling, eh? Let’s just say I wouldn’t be surprised if Noah ends up being XWF’s Johnny Manziel: win the Heisman, become a CFL Free Agent.

“But that’s enough about that! I think it’s time we skip to the reason I decided to record this little vlog in the first place, because I don’t usually rant on about things in this way. It’s almost like I have less stuff to say for an Anarchy match than I do before one that takes place on Saturday Night SPOOKY! Weird! But I digress again and I’ve been doing enough of that these past few… has it been minutes or hours? So I wanted to record this to show you off my Halloween costume. Yes, yes, you all saw what I dressed up as for #Anarchoween, and I’m sure everybody assumed I’d be donning the old lime and green plus mask for All Hallow’s Eve. But that’d be too easy! After all, those colors aren’t a costume to me. They’re an identity I need to win back, so I won’t trivialize that pursuit by using them as a carnival trick! No, I’ve got something better in mind, and as it happens, purely by coincidence of course, I am standing next to my walk-in closet! And now, I am going to change. I AM going to have to step inside and blur a bit of this out in post-production because unlike my tag team partner, I don’t do my vlogs without a shirt on. Let’s go!”

And thus it happened that Ruby Debuchy hopped into her closet. Clothes were flung outside, letting the spectator to believe that she was, indeed, butt nekkid. And THEN! A voice over, obviously also added on in post-production, befell the viewer.

THIS CITY… ISN’T WHAT IT USED TO BE. IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST. EVERYTHING WENT TO POOP. IT’S LIKE THIS WHOLE CITY’S SENSE OF MORALS JUST DISAPPEARED. THE BAD RATINGS GOT TO THE BOOKERS AND UPPER MANAGEMENT. SOON, EVEN SHOWS DIDN’T AIR UNTIL DAYS AFTER THE EVENT. THEN, VINNIE LANE STARTED HIS OWN SHOW. HE WAS SUPPOSED TO CHANGE THINGS… HE DIDN’T. WITH MORE AND MORE OF THE XWF’S ROSTER TURNING TO CRIME AND VIOLENCE AND PETTY INSULTS… THE FEDERATION BECAME GRIPPED IN FEAR. DARK TIMES… THE COMPANY NEEDED PROTECTION. THERE WERE A FEW WHO TRIED… BUT THE BANANA LIME COLORED HERO THAT STOOD UP WAS VANQUISHED INTO THE LOWER MIDCARD AND FORGOTTEN IN FAVOR OF MORE GENERIC CANDIDATES. BUT THERE’S ONE ANIMAL WHO CLEANS UP TRASH AND DEVOURS THE GARBAGE. SO TO CLEAN UP THE TRASH OF SOCIETY SHE HAS CHOSEN TO BECOME MORE THAN A WOMAN, LIKE IN THE BEE GEES SONG. SHE HAS BECOME THE HALLOWEEN COSTUME THIS CITY NEEDS AND DESERVES. SHE HAS BECOME…

Ruby: “Yeah, that’s right! Y’all like it? I’m sure you do! I know of one particular albino whose complimentary tweets I can’t wait to receive as she sees my sweet mask, my cool claws, my fiery red cape and fantastic disposition! She is, of course, our Anarchy Champion, who I’m never going to have a meaningful one on one match with at this rate. But that’s okay. The shortest way to that is through the Lethal Lottery. But even though I am facing little old Robert Liams and his partner whose name I’ve forgotten again, all alongside Peter Flippin’ Gilmour, I’ll let nothing distract me from my next goal!

“Well, my next goal is handing out celery sticks, carrot bites and cauliflower flowers, because let’s put a stop to tooth decay! But AFTER that, I’ll let nothing distract me from Lethal Lottery! I’ll carry Gilly’s bottom into the next round if need be! Bet on that, my flippies. Because the RubiCoon has declared the die has been cast!”