08-30-2019, 12:31 PM
[Wellity, wellity… what do we have here?
I got the call out of the blue. “Oh haiiii…. I’m going to be appearing at the 20th Anniversary XWF show, and I need you to come back and do your thing”. Well the money was right, and the hours aren’t too bad so I obliged.
Please allow me to introduce myself (I’m a man of wealth and taste), not actually but hey can’t not chuck in a cheeky Rolling Stones reference. Let’s be honest something about this has got to be entertaining I suppose. I am the voice of the MR WS, Matt Sharp, the 5’[something]’ Boy/Man Wonder, Sharp Factor geezer. By voice I don’t mean that this is just the aforementioned speaking, I mean I’m the narrator. I set the scene, let you know what’s going on, where we are, I like to think of myself as the main reason for any (however little) success and entertainment had by my client (Brrrrooccckkkkk…. Sigh, I wish) Matt Sharp, today posting this under the reference of MR WS for reasons mostly down to the unlovable goof not remembering his login information for any alternatively named accounts.
I didn’t ask for this job, I wanted to be on stage or in the movies. But the main issue when being a voice of reason, is that there’s little work out there. Movie Trailers? Perhaps, I do a mean “COMING SOON” on request but it’s a hard industry to get into for someone as fabulous as me who isn’t willing to do the legwork for it. So I do this, narration to fuel the imagination of a largely imaginary character. It pays the bills I suppose, do you have any idea how much it costs to pay someone to type the dictations for an omnipresent being with no hands? Well not a lot really, but it’s a bill I could do without.
Anyway where are we, what are we doing? Personally I have no idea, last time I got this call he was all like “Yeah I’m coming back, it’s going to be huge, I’m going to accomplish all my life’s dreams. Well that lasted a week or two, blithering idiot (title). But as I understand it, this is some form of “Classic show” a celebration featuring the legends, the best in the history of this company…… and MR WS. Do you remember the trolling? God the trolling… the things he said about this place, the digs at Jonathyn back in the day. Now he’s all like “ooo look at me, I’m coming back for a classic show to a company where no sod has ever heard of me”. Well he wants narration, and damnit I guess that’s what I’ll have to do for now.]
Are you quite done yet?
[What?]
I said, are you quite done yet? Look you had one job, ONE job. I ask you to give us some narration, set the location, the situation and let me do my thing. Every time you go off on these rants and tangents about your desire to be a voiceover actor, or being in the movies. The next thing you know we’re this far in. Probably surpassed the length that any judge is going to actually bother going through and the next thing you know I’m on the losing end before I’ve even begun.
[We’ve been through this, I am the entertainment, I am the reason anyone bothers to tune into these. No one cares about what you have to say. If it wasn’t for me you’d be nothing, you’d stuck in a void with no surroundings, naked, rambling on. Now that is not something anyone is going to want to tune into.]
Look, just… just look. Do you’re darn job, give us some description and let me do my thing.
[If you insist, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
We open the scene on…]
Finally!!
[Shut up! We open the scene in the living room of Matt’s… are you Matt or MR WS?]
Same person… I’m the same person. Call me whatever you like
[We open the scene in the living room of Frank’s app...]
Frank?! Who the hell is Frank?!
[You said call you what I like, I like calling you Frank.]
Well don’t just call me Frank, that’s only going to confuse matters. Look just call me Matt…
[Right… We open the scene in the living room of Matt’s Appartment in Texas]
No we don’t!
[We don’t?]
Look around, look out the window for Pete’s sake. Does it look like we’re in Texas?! I don’t even live in Texas anymore
[A quick glance out the window leads me to believe we’re not in Texas anymore, Toto.
… Well where the hell are we?]
Oh for the love…. We’re at my apartment in Ashford… ASH…FORD in Kent.
[…..]
ENGLAND!!
[Oh…]
Honestly, just… if you spent less time taking about yourself and more time paying attention.
[Right… ok… We open the scene in the living room of Frank’s…]
MATT’S!!
[MATT’s Appartment. We open the scene in the living room of MATT’s apartment. Apparently in Ashfield]
ASHFORD!! Ugh just forget it.
[Don’t get arsey with me mate… I’ll plonk you in a cave in Afghanistan in a minute]
Fine… just, c’mon man. No one’s even here anymore, let’s just… try and get it right.
[We open the scene in the living room of Matt’s Apartment in Ashford… wait, where are you?]
Well I don’t know, you haven’t formally introduced me yet have you?
[Well… where do you want to be?]
I don’t care, just add me to the freaking scene!!!
[We open the scene in the living room of Matt’s Apartment in Ashford. Matt is casually laying across the dining room table sipping a martini]
What the hell am I doing here?!
[Well you didn’t define]
Fine, I’m casually laying across the dining table sipping a martini. Jesus Christ…
[Glad we could finally agree on something…]
Yes that’s right, your eyes do not deceive you it’s me the GREATEST INTERNATIONAL DIVISION IMPACT ONLY TITLE CHAMPION in HISTORY!!
[I.D.I.O.T…]
And when I saw there was an upcoming show to celebrate the long and successful history of this great company, I was…. Well I was waiting a long time for the phone to ring to be honest. I mean, the advertising was all about bringing back the legends of this company and everything. I was surprised I didn’t get the call. I gathered it was down to the move of address perhaps or the XWF having an old phone number on file. So I called up, spoke to James Raven let him know the 5’10” Boy Wonder, the WS Dudester, the SHARP FACTOR was ready and happy to join the show and help the PPV Buys and ticket sales. Well, he wasn’t really as excited as I expected but I imagine it was one of those situations where you know, he was playing it cool on the phone but dancing on the furniture around his office. I know James… well, I think I let him go first at the queue for catering once or something, he’s not one to get too het up about things if I remember rightly.
[… and you probably don’t]
Has the scene changed? Has anything happened?! No… so keep quiet for now, this is my time to speak. And get this Martini out my hand, it tastes like crap.
[Matt put the Martini down]
Thanks. So anyway after, not a lot of convincing I think I only had to call like 3-4 times a day for a few weeks. James finally I imagine, gave in to his excitement and booked me up on the show. When I asked about who my opponent would be, I wondered what legends would there be for me to compete against. I was going through the lists in my head, was it going to be Fuzz? Steve Jason? Maybe James Raven, in all his excitement would come out of retirement and have a tussle with me? Who did they get me? Well James goes “oh yeah, we’re thinking of Ryou Bakari Itemri” or whatever the name. A rival back in the day, and I suppose a valid option, but he’s long since retired from the business. So they’ve lined me up with my old friend, Barney Green. Dear old Barney, I believe he came into the XWF shortly after I did. Nice bloke, and a good opponent to be fair, we’ve been acquaintances for years but never locked up in the ring.
[He had some interesting things to say about you, you know, in his promotional video for the match]
Did he really? I must check this out, I’ve not seen it just yet. Hint hint…
[As if by magic, or by the power of my own narration the promotional video starts to play on Matt’s TV.]
I… I can’t really see it from the dining table by the way. Think you could maybe move me a little closer?
[Yes boss… Matt gets up from his casual laying across the dining room table and walks over to the sofa where he sits himself down and begins watching the promo from Barney Green. Quotes from the Barney Green promo will be highlighted in…. you guessed it… WHITE! ]
I’m coming to XX for one reason and one reason only and that is to face an icon of the XWF
[An icon? Does he actually know he’s facing you and not got you muddled with someone who… you know… actually accomplished anything in this company?]
I accomplished plenty, lest we forget I was the GREATEST INTERNATIONAL DIVISION IMPACT ONLY TITLE Champion!!
[I.D.I.O.T…]
Looking at Matt Sharp. Former I.D.I.O.T. Champion. The International Division Impact Only Title. A true relic of a bygone era and somebody I got nothing but respect and admiration for.
Y’hear that? A true Relic of a bygone era!
[You do realise that Google describes a relic as ‘a person or thing that has survived from an earlier time but is now outmoded]
Oh… Well, maybe he meant the Title. That got a bit out moulded over time.
[Outmoded… never mind]
This isn’t going to be a situation where I talk about how I am gonna kick his ass from one end of the ring to the other. He may have been gone for years but he was one entertaining motherfucker back in the day.
Oof… language Timothy. But hey, you see what he says… One entertaining Motherfucker!
[As previously stated, that is all down to me. Nothing you’ve ever done is entertaining. Look at you, you’re watching someone else’s promo to fill out your own. Who even does that]
One entertaining, true motherfucker of a bygone relic!
[Sigh]
He and Bob Fairway did their thing
Heyy!! Bob Fairway, I haven’t seen or spoken to him for years. Get him over here
[Well, I don’t know where he is.]
Look you made the TV turn on and dropped me on a dining table earlier, I’m sure we can get Bob Fairway involved.
[Suddenly, as if by magic again, Bob Fairway appears at the window. For those who don’t know what Bob Fairway looks like… I’ll save you the agony. But I can tell you he will be represented in YELLOW!]
WHAT THE RUDDY ‘ELL AM I DOING HERE?!
Heyy!! Bob Fairway, my old friend.
NOT THAT RUDDY OLD MATE, I’M ONLY 65. Trying to enjoy my ruddy retirement if you don’t mind.
You managed to retire? That’s awesome!!
AYE, Some other bugger can go cleaning out phone booths now. Not my ruddy problem!!
You do know that Phone Boxes are like a thing of the past really now, with the invention of the mobile phone and everything?
Ya what?!
A true relic of a bygone era
[Matt looks directly into the camera and winks]
Ruddy ‘ell, why the bugger have I been out cleaning them all the ruddy time?!
Look that doesn’t matter anymore, it’s great to see you. I called round because, look, I’m recording a promo for the XWF. They’re holding a celebratory show, and I’ve got a match booked against Barney Green!
XW-ruddy-F, not that ruddy crap again laddie. I thought you were done with all that. Ruddy Jonathyn Ruddy Brown and his ruddy ‘You spin me round round, Jon Brown’ song. What you getting yourself involved in all that again?!
Look it’s good craic, come on in we’re just watching Barney Green’s promo for some inspiration.
Oh aye, I forgot I was still outside at the ruddy window. Standing here like a ruddy horse in a stable.
[Bob Fairway walks away from the window, after an acceptable amount of time he appears at the doorway to the living room and sits down next to Matt]
Aye come on then, show me what’s going on.
Matt Sharp. It’s not going to be unlucky for me. It’s going to be unlucky for you. May the best man win. I welcome the fight and will bring everything I got to you. No fear. Just determination
Well that’s not ruddy everything is it, the lying arsehole
Quiet... Bob. I see what he did there, using the old “Unlucky for you” catchphrase against me. Look here’s the thing, it’s 2019 now… the world of wrestling has changed a lot. It’s not about the trash talk anymore, it’s all about the respect. It’s not going to be unlucky for you, nor will it be unlucky for me. We’re both going to be so lucky to be able to face each other with the respect and admiration that is due. BFFs till the end, and regardless of the result I’m sure we will shake hands, have a little hug, who knows maybe a kiss on the cheek, raise each other’s hands and have a lovely meal after the show where we can recount all the wonderful times we had together.
[By this stage, the promo has been rolling in the background and we are at the scenes where Barney and RBI are talking in the bar]
Barney: I appreciate everything you have done for me. We may never be best friends, but know that without you being around as a rival, I wouldn’t have reached the barriers I have broken through. World Champion is something I never thought would have happened.
World Champion?! Wow Barney Green got his big boy pants ey? I wouldn’t have expected that, but it’s pretty awesome. Mind you if he’s saying his rival was RBI, I mean you would end up World Champion wouldn’t ya?
Ryou: Not a problem at all. The Warrior Of War may not wrestle anymore but I have no problems busting heads if I have to. What you need to know about Matt Sharp is he is a bit of an idiot and a goofball like you.
[Sharp frowns as he ponders for a moment]
Oh yeah? Well Mr. R You Bak ‘Ari… If that is your real name! If you’ve no problem busting heads if you have to, why did you reject James Ravens’ offer to return and face me. If I’m such an idiot and a goofball? Yeah… That’s right, the accuser has become the accused! As for you Barney Green, former World Champion, 265lbs of pure muscle…
265lbs of pure muscle? That’s nothing laddie, I’m 600lbs of pure Big Macs.
600lbs? And you’re 60 years old?
Aye…. All bought and paid for
But Bob, that means your BMI is going to be 69.5
[Quick maths]
That’s far from healthy, infact how are you even still alive?
No ruddy idea laddie. Infact I don’t even ruddy know for sure if I ruddy was before you ruddy invited me.
[Suddenly, as if by magic, the 600lb Bob Fairway disappears from the sofa leaving nothing more than a heavy dent in the sofa]
Well… bye then. Anyway, as I was saying. Barney Green… This weekend, Toronto Canada, XWF XX. We’re going to get into the ring, respect, admiration, BFFs, handshakes, kiss on the cheek. None of that matters, what matters is putting on the best show for the fans out there. I don’t know that we’ve ever competed before, or if we ever will again. So we have one shot, one opportunity…
[To seize everything you ever wanted]
Would you capture it… or just let it slip… Wait, stop distracting me. I’m trying to round this up, it’s been about an hour now, no sod it watching anymore. But I got to do a decent ending for all those who have fast forwarded it to the end.
Barney Green, this is our opportunity to go the dance. Respect, admiration, that’ll be there. But don’t think that because of all of that I’m going to give any less than I would in any other situation. We may steal the show, but I won’t steal the win. I fully intend to give you everything, to drop you with the Sharp Factor to get the 1-2-3, and even though after dinner we can get ice cream. It will still be… Unlucky… For… You
[Fade to black… at last]
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