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Robert "The Omega" Main · (08-23-2019)

It was a scorching hot summers day, a pristine day at the fair. The sky was aqua blue dotted with a few candy-floss clouds. Robert could see the entrance off in the distance as the crowd of people edged forward leisurely. Customers were becoming increasingly excited and impatient as they took a few steps forward every so often. There were sounds of faint music that could be heard from beyond the tall gates with the intermittent boisterous scream abruptly piercing the air. The closer they moved towards the entrance the mammoth structures of the rides could be seen for the first time. Drew’s eyes light up with glee, a rollercoaster, a Ferris wheel, among other rides. James chuckled to himself as he watched the younger children through his ray ban sunglasses. They stood in awe leering on from below, eating their sweets and snacks. Ice cream wobbled perilously over their waffle cones dripping down over their small fingers as they melted. Robert couldn’t help himself as he smirked observing some of the kids as they munched on brilliantly colored balls of soft sugar. The pink and blue strands dissolved on their tongues, sweeter than sweet, sticking to the teeth better than glue. A few ate too much and complained their bellies ached as their Mom’s and Dad’s rolled their eyes with a reply of “we told you so.”

Gentlemen, where to first?

I wouldn’t mind getting some grub and a beer before we hit the rides.

Robert?

What?

You can’t eat before you ride a roller coaster.

What in the ever-loving hell are you talking about, Drew?

Do you guys live underneath a rock or something? It’s state law.

Bull shit.

Drew becomes more serious waving his finger

They don’t want a couple of dicks eating a bunch of food and blowing chunks all over the place. It’s the law of attraction guys. We get kicked out of this red neck wonderland I'll scissor-kick you both in the gizzard and break your carotid arteries.

James rolls his eyes and turns away from Drew and back to Main.

So... we eat first, right Robert?

Robert nods with a snicker

Yeah let’s eat.

You two are going to be sorry. Mark my words.

The rich aroma of pizza wafted down upon the three as they each halted in their footsteps. Each of them couldn’t resist the delightful sensations that whipped up inside their memories at the mere thought of delving their teeth deep into the pulpy texture of pizza. Cheese spread atop in copious amounts and the wide assortment of condiments sprinkled in the perfect amounts blend to produce a taste unlike any other, salty, peppery, cheesy with a whiff of Italian cuisine and a tinge of Greek to taste. The three get in line behind a thick boned lady demanding ranch dressing for her pizza. Drew without warning chimes in.

It’s no wonder they call that ranch stuff Hidden Valley. Because if she takes one more dip her front butt is going to cover up her cookie jar.

James and Robert both look over their shoulders at Drew standing nonchalantly behind them. He mouths “what” when the lady at the counter turns around with a furious vengeance. Pointing directly at James who quickly raises his hands.

Whoa, whoa, whoa lady.. I didn’t say anything. I just want some of their finely crafted artisanal pizza... Or some grease-soaked cardboard with pepperoni. Whichever they offer.

Which one of you low life ass holes said that?

James sidesteps the woman as she’s now pointing her finger smack-dab at Robert.

It was you wasn’t it. You look like the type that would say something offensive.

Robert squints his eyes mystified

Uh, I honestly am not shocked you just assumed I was the one that had something to say. You should do the world a favor and be more kind to the people serving your food. But, hey who am I to judge right? Listen like my friend over there said. ( Robert points straight as an arrow towards Raven) All I want is some pizza. That’s it, lady. Ask the guy behind me I bet he has an answer for you.

Robert dodges the lady now standing with James to the side of the line watching intently because they both know what is about to transpire. Drew looks up seeing the rather large woman infuriated with her finger pointed right in Drew’s face. Without hesitation Drew barks snapping at her finger with his teeth.

BARK!

The lady lurches backwards placing her hand over her heart dumbfounded when Drew replies.

You'd better back up before you get jacked up.

Robert and James belly laugh simultaneously as Robert nudges James with his elbow

Here we go.

James grins from ear to ear

She’s got to have a Tamagotchi’s collection.

Robert shakes his head dumfounded. Unsure of what the hell James is talking about

First, what in the hell is a Tamagotchi’s. Secondly, how do you know?

It was a thing in the ’90s your too young Bob. I can tell by the body glitter she has smothered all over her body. That’s a 90’s thing too.

The woman begins shouting at Drew waving her hands wildly in the air.

Are you threating me? I’m a woman.

If these hands weren't registered downtown I would say it right to your face man.

I’m a woman.

I’ll buy pizza if she slaps him, you buy pizza if she kicks him in the giblets.

Seems fair let’s do it.

Hey babe, why don’t you give someone 5 minutes to pay at the pump? I’d give ya the pork pistol but I think you’d ask for a side of ranch with it.

The lady rears back smacking the shit out of Drew, while Robert cheers raising his hands shouting, “free pizza.”

You lose James! Here’s mud in your eye.

Raven points.

Don't count the chickens yet, Bob. She’s not finished cracking eggs.

Robert and Raven both winch as Drew is kicked directly in the taters dropping to his knees like a sack of potatoes as the woman storms off Drew’s face becomes a brilliant shade of maroon.

OK, I'll admit it. She impressed me. Any rookie can hit a slap or a kick to the dick... but to pull off both? Wow. Just wow. So, who buys pizza now? Are we going Dutch?

Robert shrugs

I’ll but the pizza, with Drew here, we will both be spending a king’s ransom on shit none of us needs.

May I take your order?

Yeah, I don’t need ranch so don’t worry. Raven, what do you want? Do you guys sell beer?

Surprise me, Bob.

We have beer.

Perfect, give me two of the largest draft beers you have, Canadian if possible. My friends from up north. A large supreme pizza, extra everything and DREW? Stop being a pussy get up. What do you want?

Raven nudges Drew with his foot a few times as Drew groans getting to his feet trying to shake off a perfectly placed dick kick. James cackles slapping Drew on the back.

Ugh… You two are no help whatsoever. Ahhh.. I’ll have a large Hawaiian pizza. Nothing to drink. I haven’t been kicked in the nut sack in years.

Add a large Hawaiian pizza to the order.

Okay, I have a large supreme pizza with extra everything and a large Hawaiian pizza and two extra-large draft beers. The total will be 80 dollars.

Robert takes a step back about shitting himself.

Are you kidding me? 80 freaking dollars. I can get a case of Natural Light and order Papa John’s for 15.99. You’re a real gem guy!

Robert smashes his AMEX card down on the counter pointing at the cashier

This had better be the best God damn pizza I have ever had.

Robert swipes his card out of the cashier’s hand placing it back into his wallet grabbing the two draft beers handing Raven his and taking a small sip of his own. Alcohol made Robert’s fingers tingle down to his knuckles. Even before that beer touched his lips he got the smooth taste of the greatness that was to come, like his brain couldn’t wait another second for the fuzz of intoxication to begin.

Listen, James, I’m not trying to be an ass hole about this but what’s up with Cent? First Ned, now us in a match where everything is on the line? Don’t get me wrong brother, I love the guy and I honestly believe that healthy competition between us is a great thing. But… He’s kind of going against the grain here, isn’t he? You know the man way better than I do. I’m just not sure how to take this. Think about it for a second man. We could lose everything that we have worked so hard for in a matter of three seconds.

The three take a seat at a small table as James places his sunglasses on top of his head taking a swig of his beer.

This isn’t Canadian, but it’ll do. Bob, I understand your concern here, I do. But, Centurion and I go way back. All the way back to Crystal Pepsi which by the way was awful. Just wasn’t the same. He isn’t turning against us by any means, he agreed to Lux and he’s simply just standing behind it. He’s only as good as his words and Centurion’s words are solid gold. It seems as wacky as the Animaniacs, but, it’s just friendly competition between friends. Lux’s on the other hand well..

Drew slams his hand down on the table

Listen, if you get on a plane and you have the window seat and you open the window shade and then go to sleep, you’re a lunatic and you should be arrested as soon as you get off the plane.

Robert and James both take a drink of beer. Robert runs his hands through his dishwater blond hair then stares at Drew.

What?

This coming from a guy who threw a brick on a plane?

Had to Bob and you know it.

Robert shakes his head as the two large pizzas are placed on the table. The pizza was as big as the wheels on my truck. They were thick crust and supposed to be gourmet. Raven poked at the supreme a few times with his plastic spork before plucking up a slice. It looked like something from the nineteen seventies, too much dough, too little toppings. It was less appetizing than the metal pan it was sitting on. Around the edges, there was orange grease and it was soggy to the touch. For a moment Robert considered his options eat this mess on the table or drink. Robert grabbed his slice after downing the rest of his beer. Drew starts with the crust of his pineapple pizza.

They say there are four distinct personality types matching people’s pizza-eating techniques.

What’s mine?

Raven observes Drew for a moment folding his pizza in half taking a bite

People who start crust first are influencers, unconstrained and like to be different.

Robert laughs out loud

That describes Drew perfectly. He’s as impulsive as they come.

Then there’s me I fold it. Which is the only right way to eat pizza by the way. I’m considered a driver, multitasker. I want to eat my pizza and eat it while doing something else. For instance. (Raven holds his beer in one hand and the pizza in the other smiling) Then there’s you, Bob, you just pick it up and take a bite. Robert, you're known as the careful corrector. You like to plan ahead so everything turns out as expected. You two were just schooled and your welcome.

Weirdly, it all kind of makes sense.

Here’s something for ya, you guys know a raccoon is the only animal that can give you the finger.

All three chuckle

Ya know, the world needs to witness the truth one more time as we move forward to bigger and better things. Here we have a match against a comrade-in-arms and a man who…. Well, woman… Hell, whatever Lux is, at the moment. Here’s the thing most people are not seeing the clear picture. Take three-card Monty for example. Everybody knows three-card Monty is a swindle am I right?

James nods folding his second slice of supreme pizza.

Us. (Robert points to James, Drew then himself) We are that game, yet time and time again they each come back to the table because they believe that they can outsmart us. No matter how stacked that deck is against them. People like Lux thinks he/she can demolish anyone on any given day, frustration keeps a gender-neutral person like Lux playing this humbling game. We hold every single damn card in the deck and have since jump street. There’s an alternative though.

What is it?

Robert takes another bite then washes it down with the rest of his second beer.

It’s a simple method, and it stops all the agony they continue to put their selves through. Do you know what it is?

Raven speaks up

Stop playing the game.

Bingo! These simpletons need to just stop playing the game altogether. Stop testing the waters that know they will be drowned in. I’m not trying to bull shit here and say Lux isn’t a top-notch athlete because if I was. It would be a flat ass lie. But there is a vast difference between facing myself and you James. (Robert points at James who winks) You are a certified legend, the people’s G.O.A.T. a man with a list of accomplishments longer than most people’s dicks. We are not the curtain jerkers down there in the Television Championship division. That declaration right there isn’t disrespect either, what Lux has done is extraordinary, but this little thing here. Where the Tag Team Championships & Universal Championship is on the line. This is a step up, this is big league shit. When it’s for all the marbles,APEX PROPHECY pulls out all the stops. I’ll be dammed if I let these three Championships fall through the cracks at Savage. We will become the longest-reigning Tag Team Champions In XWF history, and I’ll become the longest-reigning Universal Champion to boot.

James begins clapping nodding his head sensing Robert is fired up.

The only way our adversaries walk out of this thing still breathing is simply lay down their arms and walk away. I know Lux might believe there is no other alternative, but if transman wants to continue to wrestle for a living there needs to have a come to Jesus moment. Walking away is the only solution that doesn’t get um broken in half. Centurion though, he is our colleague and a walking legend, I want the best for him, I don’t hold any Ill will towards him he deserves this shot. Hell, I’d take a bullet for the man. But if he is going to obtain all the gold we carry over our shoulders he’s going to have to earn it against his family, the people he breaks bread with. I know neither of us is going to lay down in that ring because James there is just too much on the line. We are one of the most dominating stables in XWF history and everyone else perceives that they are the ones calling the shots. Little have they known we’ve been sitting back comfortably dealing the cards, and the deck is stacked against them.

Bob.

We are not the type of people who need to shout from the rooftops, we have never screamed into any camera that had the red light on. Why? Our accomplishments speak for themselves, our actions speak better than our words. In a world filled to the top with antipathy people like us sitting here eating pizza are the good guys. We don’t wear capes, were just trying to make the company we know and love a better place. We sit and watch, we listen to everything that is going on around us. We’ve never needed to stroke our egos, we have nothing else left to prove. Now here we are once again where everyone believes our backs are against the wall with the wolves knocking at the door threating to take everything that we have worked our asses off for. Savage history will repeat its self-one more time as we advance into the next round of this tag team torment titles perched right where they belong. I hope this time the world watches, wrestlers from yesteryear and the people on the current roster. They need to learn from others mistakes.

Bobby!

We are the world-shattering change people like Lux need. This might sound prideful and maybe a bit selfish but when it comes to facing us. I want the opposition to remember what just went down, how we wrestled circles around them, how we dissected them physically and verbally. I want the very last thing they see before it’s lights out, the last image they remember after they wake up is us.

Robert.

Drew knocks the pizza out of Robert’s hands.

What in the hell is wrong with you?

Well, Bob I’ve been trying to talk but you’ve been on your soapbox for damn near 20 minutes. Do us a favor and climb down from the ivory tower for a second.

Drew remains serious as dick cancer while James laughs out loud. Robert snarls grabbing another piece of pizza.

Fine, dick. What do you want?

I’d like to go and play some games, maybe get a candy apple, then ride some shit. Or are we going to just sit here and eat terrible pizza and rant about Savage?

Robert sighs

Drew you are a huge pain in my ass. Oh, and Raven, seeing how you think this is so freaking funny remember the deal. I bought the pizza. You get Drew’s next adventure.

Robert grins as the smile falls from Raven's face.

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