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Lacklan · (07-31-2019)

HIIIII-iiiiiiii!

Sarah Grey-Lacklan-

-MARKETING GENIUS-

-here from my SWEET kickass house in Lacklanland West (that’s in Hollywood, for those not paying attention at home) and I am HERE for the NEWEST batch of the #CoolRankings! I have had my beautifully-rounded group of number-crunching nerds look at how everyone has been doing through this cycle, and through 2019 overall, in order to determine the TOP TEN members of the XWF Roster! Matches are watched, wins are recorded (big fat zeroes for NOT winning!) and weights as thick as Roxy’s ever-growing waistline have been applied. Lets check out dem standings!

Rank	Name	#CoolPoints	Last Rank
10	Big D/Ned Kaye	19.07	10/NR
9	Mastermind	19.7	8
8	Drew Archyle	20.67	5
7	Vita Valenteen	21.84	4
6	Zane Norrison	23.14	7
5	Tony Santos	24.06	NR
4	Dolly Waters	26.43	3
3	Robert Main	31.5	2
2	Sarah Grey-Lacklan	36.25	6
1	Lux	49.67	1

Now way! That is some CRAXY movement in there! Now lets break it down and add some context!

Big D clings to his spot at the bottom of the rankings with a couple of good wins! He may not have been able to capitalize on his title match with Main, but he has shown a lot of variety by taking fights on both Saturdays and Wednesdays and put in a hell of a performance in the Leap of Faith match. And speaking of the briefcase, Nedward was able to squeak onto the board after his big win at Leap of Faith! I’d say that the sky was the limit for him...but I don’t want to make Baby Jesus cry...so let’s just say that I am SURE that he will do GREAT when he cashes in!

ROOOOOUUUUUUGH cycle for Mastermind! He only fell one spot, but the super tall dude went 2-7, which included a loss to a CERTAIN SOMEONE who was literally the cutest kumate/tai pai fighter ever. The memories of Double M being Television Champ seem a long ways away, and I think he is going to need to do a little soul-searching to figure out what’s next. Big M is taking some time off to mend a body part or two, and he sorely needs it.

Outside of BLATANTLY trying to woo my best friend Angelica Vaughn with STEAMY and SOLICITORY pictures online, Drew hasn’t done much of anything lately! He insists that he’s fine...that his head is okay...but much like the FAR more beautiful of the two Grey-Lacklans, I assume his “I’m fine” is as bullshit as hers is! Drew dropped a few spots as he only took one single match the entire cycle, and that was in a losing effort at defending his Tag Team Championships at Leap of Faith.

The biggest drop of any individual on this list from the beginning of the year to now is Vita. The one-time hot prospect has done little to nothing the last few months, with six straight Ls to her name. Like Mastermind, she’s in need of some rethinking time.

Our resident zombie Zane moves up a spot this week after a variety of wins! His 3-1 record includes a win on EACH brand of XWF, with his only loss as being one of the many MANY people to fail to rule Savage, and things are only going to get better for him if he stays focused in this time of change and upheaval.

Holy craxballs! TONY! This guy has been the MAN this cycle! He defended the Hart title FOUR times since he beat a drug wench for it before War Games, with TWO of those being in the Main Event! A Superstar of the Month honor helps push him up and we got someone flying towards that Top Three like a freakin’ bullet.

As a testament to the early success of that aforementioned drug mule/wench/passed-around-suck-doll, Dolly stays in the Top Five, but she should be gone by the end of this cycle! Well, assuming D and Ned don’t shit the bed for the next three months or she come back with a chainsaw on her arm and no bubble gum.

Robert Main didn’t do much this cycle...at all. Why? Can’t say for certain. Yeah yeah, he’s been battling this shitty “invasion” of shitty legends and having to deal with them. MEH, I say. MEH! I want to see my champ wrestling and not just being a personality who gets into fights with other guys who don’t axly wrestle. But! That being said, he’s STILL in the Top Three because when he DOES fight...its for ALL the marbles! This cycle included two main event successful defenses of the World Title, and that shit MATTERS! All of his matches have been for gold in the main event, and he’s won them all. Mediocre Ned is FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

What the? Who the? I’m #2? MEEEEEE?! Who EVER saw THAT coming?! Oh...I DID! Because while SOME people have been taking weeks off at a stretch, THIS ball of #SquatBooty has been fighting EVERY Anarchy AND picked up some fights on Saturday! AND Drezdin’s money! Seven wins this cycle brings my record to a MIND-BLOWING 14-1-1 since I graced this place with my heels and there is NOTHING anyone on Anarchy, or in that tag tourney, for that matter, can do about it.

And then there’s Corey. Blah blah 5-0-1 this cycle blah blah 4 fucking main event title wins et cetera et cetera so goddamn dominant on Saturdays that he’s cashing in his title to fight Main eventually yadda yadda holy shit Ned looks even MORE fucked by comparison YAWWWWWWWN

Welp, that’s it for this edition! I’ll see you after Relentless!

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