Hootie the Owl
- vs -
Mini Morbid Basket Match!
It's like a casket match, but with a picnic basket!
"The Amazing" Ashley Ackles
- vs -
"The Sandman" Reggie Martin Internet Division Match!
The Boston Bruiser
- vs -
Raphael Blackwater No DQ/No Count Out!
ANARCHY CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT ROUND ONE
John Black
- vs -
Kuda
Sarah Lacklan
- vs -
Vita Valenteen Steel Cage Match!
The only way to win is by escaping the cage!
ANARCHY CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT ROUND ONE
Maxine
- vs -
Ruby
FOR THE XWF INTERNET CHAMPIONSHIP
Noah Jackson
- vs -
"Notorious" Ned Kaye
- vs -
"Beautiful" Bobbi London Internet Division Match!
Pyro flies and fireworks boom through the arena as Anarchy hits the airwaves once again.
Frantic crowd shots show rabid fans cheering and waving signs, holding up merch, and generally being their usual hooligan selves.
Eventually the camera comes to resat on Vinnie Lane at his ringside announce table, where he sits alongside the glittering XWF Internet Championship belt.
Vinnie Lane: "Ladies and germs we are LIVE from Laramie Wyoming! Tonight is the night as three lucky roster members get a chance to become the FIRST champion crowned on Anarchy, and I'll be presenting that title to the new champion later tonight personally! We'll also see a cage match between Queen of Anarchy Sarah Lacklan and the 24/7 Case holder Vita Valenteen, as well as two first round matches in the Anarchy Title Tournament AND the first EVER basket match! Before we get to that though, word is we have something going on in the parking lot... let's see!"
SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCHHHHHHH!
The screeching of tires is heard mere seconds before a hot pink convertible flies into view, the top down and with bright white hair flowing on the driver’s side and a veritable mass of tentacle-like black braids whipping on the right. The convertible slides as the brakes are jammed and comes to a halt at the front of the auditorium in Laramie, somehow defying all of physics and taking up THREE different blue-lined handicap spaces. In the driver’s seat, Sarah Grey-Lacklan calmly places a handicap placard onto the car’s mirror stand and then turns to the passenger.
Sarah: Ready, Beloved?
Next to her, Kenzi Grey-Lacklan’s eyes are so wide that the white shine like beacons of light against her caramel skin, and her hands grip the car’s window and dashboard with such intensity that her finger shake from the effort. Beads of panic-induced sweat dot her forehead and it takes several gulps of air before she can respond.
Kenzi: Um...um...oh...um...yes?
Sarah claps her hands in glee, fully unaware of the stark terror filling her spouse, and leaps from the car. She has her bags in hand, with a purse over her shoulder, in seconds, while Kenzi is still trying to force her fingers from their deathgrip on the car.
Sarah: For the love of...we don’t have all night, Kenzi! I have a cage match to win!
Kenzi eventually gets out of the car and ready to go, and Sarah takes a moment to admire the “precision” of her parking job.
Sarah: Like a GLOVE, Beloved! Oh em gee, I am SUCH a great driver!
Kenzi’s disbelieving stare is as plain as the freckles on her face, but it is smoothed away into innocence before Sarah turns back to her.
Sarah: Lets go! I need to let Roxy know where I’m leaving Vinniefred’s car!
With a swat to the “sweetest booty in ALL the land,” Sarah leads the way into the stadium. But as the doors close, a form of lime green and yellow plummets from a nearby rooftop into the most epic superhero landing there has ever been.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-----
The form stands up tall, arms on her hips.
RU-BYYYYYYY!
The hero to the masses sniffs the air with an upturned nose. After a moment, Ruby finds herself in front of the hot pink corvette, shaking her head at both the terrible parking job AND the fact that it was in handicap lanes. But her eyes find the handicap placard and relief washes over her face.
But then!
Oh no!
Her eyes narrow as she stares at it.
Ruby:I THOUGHT I smelled the foul stench of villainy! Its a good thing the RuMoByle comes equipped with wheel clamps!
With a swish of her cape, the Hero of the People runs off to serve justice!
Hootie the Owl
- vs -
Mini Morbid Basket Match!
It's like a casket match, but with a picnic basket!
When the cameras find the ring, Mini Morbid and Hootie the Owl are both already present, having made their entrances before the show hit the air. The bell sounds and the crowd goes wild for the start of another ANARCHY!
Mini Morbid sure thought he had a good idea, bringing his net gun to the ring with him. As soon as Hootie was trapped under the big net, Mini jumped on top of the wildly flapping bird as it was trapped on the canvas. Feathers were EVERYWHERE. All looked lost, in fact, until Mini moved his crotch a little bit too close to the net and… well, you know how birds are with worms. Men in the audience were openly weeping when they saw Hootie’s savage beak close its vice-like grip on the low, low, low abdominal region of Morbidcito.
Vinnie Lane: “Dude… I think I felt that. Like… one of my vas deferens might have just severed itself. I think my nads are trying to hide up inside of my pelvis!”
Mini Morbid, now curled up like a rolly polly bug and vomiting, offers almost no resistance while Hootie slowly frees himself from his net prison. Hootie then digs its claws into Mini Morbid’s exposed back, gripping him in his talons and flying up into the air while holding Mini like a dead squirrel. Mini wails in pain but not many people in attendance hear him over the piercing screech from Hootie. They arrive high atop the ring in Hootie’s next, where Hootie continues to scratch and stab at Mini with his talons, pushing him into a little birhouse next to his nest. Finally, Hootie rolls out of the birdhouse window where he dangles precariously over the edge of the nest..
Vinnie Lane: “Oh no dude… don’t do it! Midgets can’t fly! MIDGETS CAN’T FLY!!!”
Hootie pushes Mini out of the nest. Morbidcito falls, reaching terminal velocity REALLY quickly because of classical mechanics and Newton’s law of universal gravitation. It’s complicated, but by the time you google all that Mini has already bounced twice in the middle of the ring (RIP Owen Hart, 1965-1999) , leaving a bloody oval on the canvas. Hootie flutters down from the arena roof casually and lands on top of the unmoving Mini Morbid, then uses his claws to roll the poor little guy over to the apron, where a small wicker picnic basket sits on a red and white checkerboard cloth at ringside.
Hootie then shoves Mini in, where he gets stuck because of his bizarrely oversized head. The owl has to hop on Mini Morbid’s bottom a few times to get him to pop through and land inside the basket, then he slams the lid closed and holds his wings out triumphantly.
Vinnie Lane: “Still better than a Rain promo.”
Winner by Defenestration - Hootie
"The Amazing" Ashley Ackles
- vs -
"The Sandman" Reggie Martin Internet Division Match!
At the sound of the bell, Ackles is all business. There’s no sign of the pre-match handshakes or well intentioned sense of sportsmanship that usually are hallmarks of her partner, Ruby, when the two team together. Instead, there is only vicious, unrelenting assault. From almost the first second of the match, Ackles is on Martin like a cheap suit, hammering him with blows and knocking him to the ground with a single leg trip, then twisting his leg at an obscene angle while gripping him in a kneebar variant.
Vinnie Lane: “Ackles is no nonsense! Reggie Martin didn’t even have a chance to get his head turned around before he was on his butt! You have to wonder if Ashley Ackles cares more about getting her hand raised than she does about fair play!”
Ackles spins around in an Indian death lock and then drops down to the mat, snapping Martin’s shin between her legs. Martin yelps in pain and slams his fists into the mat trying to endure the assault as best he can. Ackles adjusts her center of gravity and turns Martin onto his belly, then crosses his other leg into a cloverleaf submission.
Vinnie Lane: “Reggie Martin really looks like he’s in agony here, I wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out he’s got some soft tissue damage to that knee…”
With a final twist, the crowd is met with the stretching, popping sounds of tendons and ligaments being torn away from their moorings. Ashley Ackles puts even more pressure into the hold and has Martin nearly bent in half as she adds even more torque onto his appendage, and Martin has no choice but to tap out. Unfortunately for him, Ackles does not immediately release the hold.
Winner by Submission - “The Amazing” Ashley Ackles
Vinnie Lane: “Hey dude, someone get Ackles to break that hold! The match is over!”
Referee Mika Hunt does indeed do her best to get Ackles to relent, offering a five count as well as physically pulling the woman back by her shoulder, but Ackles shoves her off. The bell continues ringing over and over as a second referee runs from the back to assist Hunt, but when Richard Wang tries to pull Ackles off of Martin he is also shoved away.
Vinnie Lane: “FINALLY here comes Ruby! Get your partner to chill, dude!”
Indeed, Ruby runs from the back and slides into the ring, immediately admonishing Ackles and convincing her to let go of Reggie Martin, whose legs fall limply to the mat as the Super Dear’Os exit the ring together.
EMTs quickly head into the ring to tend to Martin as the cameras focus on Ackles, walking down the ramp… with a smile on her face.
Vinnie Lane: “Let’s kick it to commercial everyone, we need to get some semblance of order back here…”
Vinnie Lane: “Welcome back to Anarchy, cats and kittens! We’ve got a big debut up next as both men are newcomers to the Anarchy ring! Although the Brothers Blackwater have been mainstays in the XWF for quite some time, this will be Raphael’s first foray into our neck of the woods… and his opponent made a HECK of a statement last Anarchy! Let’s take a look…”
Quote:Just then, a commotion breaks out in the crowd. Fans part like the Red Sea as a large, barrel-chested man holding a steel chair hurries down through the seats and hustles to the guard rail, hopping over and sliding into the ring before either competitor realizes he’s even there.
Vinnie Lane: “Pull the cameras back, guys, it looks like we have an unruly fan… a really big one at that… I guess he wants to get beaten by an entire locker room full of wrestlers and then dragged into court by awesome lawyers… wait… hold on… that’s no fan! That big sumbitch is Jon Brogan!”
Brogan dents his chair on the back of EDWARD’s skull, dropping the paleolithic prizefighter face first to the mat. John Rogan charges him but eats the edge of the chair right into his guts as Brogan drives the steel chair into his midsection, then slams it down onto his back after he bends over in pain. EDWARD rolls into a corner and drags himself to his feet but is crushed by a massive Avalanche running splash from Brogan, who then tosses Rogan into an opposite corner and repeats the move. John Rogan and EDWARD are both barely conscious and hanging onto the turnbuckles for dear life when the Boston Bruiser pulls EDWARD out by the hair and then snares him in a bear hug, lifting him up and around and crashing into the canvas with a 400 pound belly to belly suplex.
Referee Lawanda Sass has no choice but to throw the match out, and the bell sounds to declare an official No Contest.
Winner - NO CONTEST
Vinnie Lane: “This guy is out of control! We need security out here! He’s got a table!”
Indeed, the Bruiser has exited the ring and dragged a plywood table from underneath, setting it up diagonally from the top of the guard rail to the floor. He rolls back into the ring and grabs Rogan, tucking him down between his legs and then pulling him into the air for a powerbomb… the Bruiser takes three steps ad launches John Rogan over the top rope, sending him careening through the table at ringside!
Vinnie Lane: “Oh my god! Someone get some help out here for John Rogan! He could be dead!”
Turning his attention back to EDWARD, whos is slowly dragging himself on his hands and knees toward the ropes, the Bruiser walks over and straddles the cavalier caveman, then jumps up and comes down hard on the small of EDWARD’s back. EDWARD collapses, and the Bruiser drags him by the limp arm into a corner, then scales up to the second rope.
Vinnie Lane: “What’s this lunatic going to do? He’s nearly half a ton, EDWARD is about to get squashed like a bug!”
The Boston Bruiser bounces on the ropes for a few seconds, then jumps up as high as his body can go while he still holds onto the top rope. He comes down with a thunderous banzai drop onto EDWARD’s chest, and the coveter of all things shinny goes limp.
Vinnie Lane: “He calls that the Wicked Pissah, and it’s done the damage here tonight… listen to this crowd boo the decimation they see at the hands of Jon “the Boston Bruiser” Brogan right now, it’s deafening!”
In the ring, Jon Brogan stands and poses with his dented steel chair, smiling at the carnage he’s created. As security personnel finally arrive en masse, the Bruiser rolls out of the ring and escapes through the crowd from whence he arrived. EMTs check on EDWARD and John Rogan as the cameras shift back to Vinnie at ringside.
Vinnie Lane: “Not a great way to make friends on your first day, dude! Let’s hit the ring, because it sounds like the Bruiser is ready to make his first official entrance right here tonight!”
The Boston Bruiser
- vs -
Raphael Blackwater No DQ/No Count Out!
The Boston Bruiser’s theme song plays as he rumbles his way to the ring.
Vinnie Lane: “This match should be an interesting folks as The Boston Bruiser coming off a solid showing as a replacement for War Games will be making his singles match debut against Raphael Blackwater.”
All three brothers emerge, with Raphael in the lead. Pausing briefly, the brothers look around at the exuberant crowd, with immense entertainment. Sharing an amused glance to one another as the fans scream. From there they walk in unison to the ring, occasionally separating to approach a random fan that's losing their mind. Clearly, enjoying the effect they have on the crowd, the Brothers Blackwater continue onward. Once they reach the ring, two of the brothers hold up the bottom rope, as the intended participant for the fight slides into the ring. Raphael then takes his place in the squared circle and awaits his opponent, while basking in the cheers from the audience.
Vinnie Lane: “Looks like Ezra and Donovan will take in the match from ringside as well rather than returning to the back. I wonder if the guys go to the bathroom together. Anyone able to confirm that for me? Smoking Bob? Darius? Anyone?”
The two competitors circle around the ring for a few seconds squaring each other up before the Boston Bruiser lunges at his opponent and quickly gets him into a solid camel clutch. Raphael’s arms flail about as he tries to break the hold but the Bruisers strong height and weight advantage allows him to lock the hold in firmly.
Vinnie Lane: “The veins on the side of Bruiser’s head look like they are going to explode he has this hold locked in so tight. Someone better get the EMT’s on standby.”
Bruiser loosens up his grip and quickly follows up with a German Suplex. Raphael’s body thumps on the mat but before Bruiser could reach down for a follow up attack Raphael rolls out of the ring where he is immediately joined by his brothers.
Vinnie Lane: “As a reminder this match is a No DQ and No Count out so it looks like strength in numbers could play a significant role in this affair.”
Boston Bruiser walks over to the ropes and looks down at the trio and makes a throat slashing gesture at the group, clearly unphased by the fact that there are 3 of them and one of him. Bruiser climbs through the ropes and approaches the three men and is immediately attacked by Ezra and Donovan. The two brothers start wailing on the larger man with fists and feet of fury but Bruiser just shrugs it off like the fucking Hulk and instead grabs each man by the throat and tosses them aside.
Vinnie Lane: “Holy crap! Did anyone piss test this man before this match? Where is that Taylor chick…oh wait…We really need to replace here. Someone make a note ‘Replace Taylor.’”
The attack by the other two Blackwater Brothers allows Raphael to recover enough that he is able to spring up at his opponent and stun him with a well placed flying forearm smash followed by a devastating headbutt that busts Bruiser open across his forehead and at the bridge of his nose.
Vinnie Lane: “Well his blood is red so at least we know this mammoth man isn’t some sort of weird space alien.”
Bruiser keeps fighting off the Blackwater Boys as blood courses down his shredded forehead. Looks like that time spent on the indies might have left this man with rice paper skin to rival the great bleeders of our industry, like Peter Gilmour when he’s on the rag. With his vision now obscured by the crimson mask he wears, Donovan and Ezra are able to surround the big guy along with their brother and they take turns pelting him with pot shots until he begins to visibly tire.
Vinnie Lane: “This is like watching a bullfight in Mexico City… I wouldn’t expect any sort of fair play from the Blackwaters, but I’m also not sure Bruiser deserves it anyway! The rules are the rules, and in this case… there aren’t any.”
Bruiser manages to catch Raphael with a wild haymaker that almost decapitates the man, leaving him a drooling pile of unconsciousness in the ring, but he’s unable to capitalize as he’s still barely able to see a foot in front of his face. Ezra drops to his hands and knees behind Bruiser like they’re out on the schoolyard as Donovan slaps his brother Raphael back to the land of the living, then irish whips him into the ropes! Raphael rebounds and as he runs back, Donovan gives him a heave-ho boost that launches Raphael into the air, and Raphael sends both of his feet into the bloody face of the Boston Bruiser. Bruiser capsizes over Ezra and slams the back of his head into the mat.
All three Blackwaters pounce on the fallen Bruiser, each leaning onto his jackknifed legs and holding down as referee Lawanda Sass drops down for a count, no doubt relishing in the fact that she’s counting down someone who ruined the match she officiated last time!
1!
2!!
3!!!
Winner by Pinfall - Raphael Blackwater
Vinnie Lane: “Even after all that the Bruiser managed to kick out, just not in time! It took all three of the Brothers to hold this behemoth to the mat for three and a half seconds! WOW!”
ANARCHY CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT ROUND ONE
John Black
- vs -
Kuda
Vinnie Lane: “I can’t lie, I’ve been looking forward to this match all night, dudes! John Black is having a bit of a career renaissance as of late, and I think Kuda, the strong as heck rookie who made an instant name for himself among the Federweight ranks, is a great test for the oldhead.”
The lights goes down, and smoke starts to rise out of the entrance way. Then the drum kicks in, and the lights come back on and we see JB walking down the entrance, as he heads to the ramp he talks smack to the camera. He then rolls into the ring, and goes to the middle buckle puts his fist in the air. Then he gets towards the middle of the ring and waits.
Vinnie Lane: “And here comes the imposing Kuda… you know, for a guy who spent as long as he did stuck under a glacier or whatever, this guy has IMPECCABLY good skin. Look at that complexion! Black seriously does not crack.”
Kuda is led to the ring and rolls under the bottom rope, staring down JB the entire way. He backs into his corner and waits with a sneer.
The bell sounds and both me are quick to tie up in the center of the ring. John Black tries to break out of the headlock Kuda has him in and is almost successful until Kuda’s knee raises into the air to connect with John’s face before letting go of him. John takes a step back as he holds his throbbing face while Kuda postures for the crowd and begs John Black to “bring it”! John is able to get the upper hand once Kuda gets sloppy in his movements as John ducks a clothesline and dropkicks Kuda right in the back of that head of his to get him to chill out. Kuda isn’t appreciating getting manhandled by the aggressive John, especially when he happens to glance towards the audience while John is transitioning between double foot stomps and driving his forearm into Kuda’s face and sees a fine women sitting front row watching him get his ass beat. That pumps him up with motivation soon enough as he quickly rolls out of the way right when John is about to stomp on him again and hurriedly grabs behind him for the ropes to pull himself to his feet.
Kuda wants move on in the Anarchy Championship Tournament tonight and he refuses to allow John to take that away from him and plans to serve him that L. But John has other plans as he counters Kuda’s jumping Powerslam and slams Kuda so hard into the mat. The audience’s ooh’s dramatically at that as if they felt the back pain themselves while the camera zooms in on Kuda’s twisted up face while the merciless John approaches his opponent to finish the job. He pulls the hurt Kuda to his feet and kicks him in the gut so Kuda can bow down John hooks his arm around the head…
BLACKA JACKA BRAIN BUSTA!!!
NO!!!
KUDA SLIPS OUT AND LEVELS JOHN BLACK WITH A CHOKESLAM BACKBREAKER!!!
The audience pops because they really thought Kuda was a goner but Kuda refused to go out so easily. You can tell by John’s face that he thought he really had Kuda. John slaps the mat before pushing up to his feet. Kuda charges and calls for a test of strength. John raches out and locks hands with Kuda, but Kuda stomps on John’s foot! It actually works to his advantage as Kuda pushed John down to his knees and finishes with an Earth shattering knee to his face that seems to break John Black’s nose!
Kuda is feeling confident, he’s feeling that he has this match in the bag but John has other plans for him as Kuda gets him to his feet but is surprised by that swift European Uppercut that has Kuda falling back into the ropes. John wastes no time and capitalizes on the opportunity with a flurry of haymakers to the body when Kuda bounces from the ropes towards him. John follows that up with a spike DDT and falls down to the mat for the cover and only gets a two before Kuda kicks out!
Black grabs Kuda and tries to pull him to his feet, but Kuda knocks John’s legs out from under him and quickly crawls over to him, rolling him around onto his back so that he can mount him and try to tire him out with some ground and pound punches to the face. He didn’t even care about winning at this point, he had grown tired of John getting the upper hand over him. Once he felt John was weakened a bit, he ended the assault and rose to his feet to quickly dash to the turnbuckle and climb it. He waits for John to stand and think he’s about to have it in the bag with the Mammoth Killer but John moves out the way and Kuda gets a face full of mat instead. John wastes no time and pulls Kuda to his feet by his head and gets him in position before lifting him to his shoulders.
BLACKLISTED DEATH VALLEY DRIVER!!!
John drops for the cover!
1!
2!!
3!!!
KICKOUT!
Kuda kicks out, but the official says it was too late!
Winner by Pinfall - John Black
Vinnie Lane: “Wow, another kickout just a tenth of a second too late! I can’t remember the last time I saw competition this close!”
Sarah Lacklan
- vs -
Vita Valenteen Steel Cage Match!
The only way to win is by escaping the cage!
The cage door shuts behind the two women, an XWF referee placing a key into padlock and twisting before yanking and pressing on the door to demonstrate that it's firmly shut. Lacklan and Valenteen stare down, the crowd's roaring as they make their first proper confrontation in the ring.
Vinnie Lane: "This could be the start of an instant rivalry, folks. Two of the top female talent the XWF has seen, and they're locked inside ten tons of steel!"
The bell rings! Sarah quickly rushes in for a spinning heel kick, but Vita ducks underneath. Acting hastily, VV attempts to grab a hold of Sarah, but Lacklan moves just out of her reach. Seizing the opportunity, Sarah delivers a nasty knee strike to the side of Vita. Vita staggers backwards towards the ropes while Lacklan pursues. Lacklan goes for a palm strike, but Vita drops, holding onto the top rope! Sarah's palm hits the cage! She sucks air in through her teeth, wincing from the pain while Vita gets back to her feet with the spring of the rope, leaping onto the rope to launch herself at Sarah for a hurricanrana!
As Sarah regains her bearings on the mat, Vita gets to the nearest top turnbuckle and executes a mean-looking frogsplash. Despite looking like some air was knocked right out of her, Lacklan pulls herself up quickly and hits Vita back with a painful looking Pele Kick! VV drops to the ground, but it appears Sarah landed awkwardly on the hand she smashed into the cage! Through the pain, Lacklan gets up while Vita is still prone. She lifts Vita to a sitting position and the crowd begins to stir rapidly!
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOO-"
Lacklan slams her foot into Vita's back causing VV to fall back in pure agony!
"TOTES!"
Vinnie Lane: "Wow... this crowd is definitely feeling it here tonight! Looks like Lacklan has fans in the great state of Wyoming!"
There's a clear chance to start climbing the cage, but the Queen of Anarchy doesn't seem to be quite finished with Vita Valenteen! She drops to the ground and locks Vita into a cross arm breaker! Valenteen is writhing in pain as Lacklan keeps pulling, putting enough pressure that it looks like Vita's arm will snap in half at any moment!
Somehow, VV finds the strength in her free arm to push Sarah's legs up, but it doesn't look like it'll be enough! Sarah's holding on tight, but Vita forces her opponent's legs off her chest, moving herself in a better position to break her free from Sarah's grasp. Vita grabs Sarah's legs, one under each arm and uses the brute strength of her legs and hits Lacklan with a kneeling wheelbarrow driver!
Lacklan is clearly discombobulated by the impact, but her instinct pulls her up as VV hops up to sit on the top turnbuckle. In the moment that Sarah gets some of her bearings back, Vita jumps, landing a tornado DDT! Lacklan is dazed on the ground, but Vita pulls her back up to her feet!
Vita lifts up Sarah's body to the top turnbuckle!
Vita goes to the opposite corner of the ring, sprinting towards Sarah and leaping for a running corner double knee smash! Lacklan's back slams into the cage and she crumples onto the ground! Vita looks up and sees her opportunity!
Vinnie Lane: "Go for it girl! Make history here tonight!"
Valenteen starts climbing up the cage, not taking any chance to look back. But Sarah's lifting herself up with the ropes, rage covering her face! Vita's halfway up when Lacklan has stood up, but Sarah's quick enough to get over there! She hoists herself up on the bottom rope, grabbing Vita's hair, forcing Valenteen to turn around! Lacklan tugs on VV's hair to get her arm around Vita's neck! In one swift movement, Sarah Lacklan hits Vita with the brainbuster!
Sarah stomps on Vita's arm before turning her attention to the cage.
Vinnie Lane: "Oh dang, dude! That's the same arm Vita had injured earlier in the contest! How vicious!"
The Queen of Anarchy begins to climb, but the hand she hurt earlier seems to be giving her some trouble. She's not climbing as quickly as it seems she'd like. Vita collects herself as best she can and begins to climb up beside Lacklan. The two begin to exchange blows as they cling to the steel cage. Using the cage as leverage, Vita lifts herself up and strikes a fierce to Sarah's hurt hand! Lacklan's too focused on her hand's pain as Vita struggles to the top, hands grasping onto the top of the cage!
As Vita tries to pull her left leg up, she finds herself unable! Lacklan is gripping onto Vita's leg! Pushing off the top rope, Sarah uses Valenteen's leg to pull herself up! They're both at the top, but Lacklan's manuever seems to have put unneeded strain on Vita's leg! VV tries to grab onto Lacklan before she can hoist her body on top of the cage, but Vita's just milliseconds late! Lacklan pulls her legs over the edge and drops off! She sticks the landing and extends her arms triumphantly!
Winner by Cage Escape - Sarha Laglin
ANARCHY CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT ROUND ONE
Maxine
- vs -
Ruby
Vinnie: Dude! The next match is in the tournament to crown a first ever Anarchy Champion! And...ah man! She’s getting THAT entrance? Must have pissed Roxy OFF!
Indeed, THE MONSTER MAXINE is already in the ring, not having gotten an entrance or announcement or anything. The 6’2” behemoth simply stands stupidly in the ring waiting for her opponent. Though, she DOES take a moment to tweet out a picture of her left foot. I have no idea why. Does ANYONE have ANY idea why THE MONSTER MAXINE tweets what she tweets?
Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby
Do ya do ya do ya do ya
Know what your doing, doing to me
The crowd goes fucking APE SHIT as the Kaiser Chiefs play through the P.A. Clad in her eye-popping combination of yellow and lime green, the Super Dear’o BLAST out of the stage, flying through the air and landing with a super hero pose. As she stands up, her hands on her hips, her chest (...what little there is…) puffed out, her chin raised ever so slightly, she is PELTED with yellow and green steamers from the fans. She smiles and waves amid her cacophony of streamers...and then dutifully helps one of the workers pick up the trash before heading to the ring.
Vinnie: What a hero! Even though she got into a double count out with Sarah Lacklan last Anarchy, Ruby is still on a bit of a role! But can she deal with THE MONSTER MAXINE?!
Once in the ring, Ruby goes right up to THE MONSTER MAXINE and, with a smile on her face, offers her hand in friendship and good sportsmanship. THE MONSTER MAXINE, not exactly accustomed to being treated with respect by the people around her, is confused as to what to do. Ruby then gives a polite, though thorough, demonstration on a handshake, as well as how to properly sanitize with hand sanitizer afterward. As the OG of PG will tell you: You can never be too careful!
After having enough of this, the referee just shakes his head and calls for the bell.
DING! DING! DING!
THE MONSTER MAXINE simply clobbers Ruby over the head with a single chop and the Banana Girl goes down! The crowd cries out in surprise and shock as the behemoth simply shrugs her shoulders and places a foot on her chest.
1!
2!!
Thre-SHOULDER UP!
Her eyes fully glazed over, Ruby is able to sneak up a shoulder, possibly out of pure instinct. THE MONSTER MAXINE shrugs again, leans down, and hoists Ruby up by her shoulders, lifting her high up into the sky. Ruby shakes her feet, which are a full foot off the ground, but THE MONSTER MAXINE just sets her feet and launches her to the other side of the ring! Ruby is USED to flying through the air with her GoPro strapped to her head, but not like this! She CRASHES into a turnbuckle shoulder-first and then crumbles to the mat once again.
The ring shakes as THE MONSTER MAXINE makes her way over to Ruby, who shakily gets to her feet, and then shoves her into the corner. Ruby barely has time to breath as she is crushed by a shoulder block to her chest, pushing her deeper into the turnbuckle. She shakes her head, trying to clear her senses, as another shoulder drives her backward. A third takes the wind from her! And then she is suddenly up in the air once more, one giant paw holding onto her shoulder, another latched onto her inner thigh, as THE MONSTER MAXINE hoists her up with a military press. Ruby is then lowered back down...and then back up! THE MONSTER MAXINE presses our intrepid hero three...four...FIVE times, showing her immense strength, before FINALLY slamming Ruby to the ground! The Masked Ottawaian’s entire body arches off the mat, only her heels and the tip of her head touching the mat, from the impact from the slam, and again a giant foot is placed on her chest for a pinfall.
1!
2!!
THRE-KICK OUT!
Again, Ruby is able to force herself up off the mat, saving her place in the tournament. In response, THE MONSTER MAXINE growls down at her, doing her best to inspire fear in the Masked-but-not-cowled Crusader of justice...but Ruby makes her save! Instead of finding FEAR in the growl of THE MONSTER MAXINE, she finds INSPIRATION! Ruby rolls to her feet and then rolls again, trying to put distance between herself and her opponent, taking in deep breathes to try to steady herself. THE MONSTER MAXINE lumbers her way over to Ruby, massive arms reaching for her, and again Ruby dives forward into a roll. But then Ruby keeps going, rolling to her feet and hitting the ropes in a run, coming back hard and fast at a giant who can’t comprehend how fast the 5’1” Zero...er...Hero, can be. Ruby LAUNCHES herself at THE MONSTER MAXINE, but wisely aims LOW. Her entire body SLAMS into the legs of her opponent, which causes a pained cry and a partially buckled knee.
THE MONSTER MAXINE growls in anger and swipes at Ruby, but the quickness of the Super Dear’o finds her sliding under the lumbering giant, setting her feet, and leaping backward with a pele kick to the back of her head! Stunned, THE MONSTER MAXINE takes a few steps, and Ruby takes the advantage. She runs to the ropes, leaps on the middle section, and flings herself backward, turning and missling her body to connect with a dropkick to THE MONSTER MAXINE’s back. Another unsteady wobble and the giantess seems dazed! Ruby jumps up and down, waving her arms in an attempt to get the crowd’s support. They follow suit, cheering for their hero, and just as THE MONSTER MAXINE turns towards her, still unstead, Ruby launches herself forward and hooks the giant’s head by the neck, looking to drive her down with a Ruby Cutter.
But she’s caught! The great strength of THE MONSTER MAXINE shows her holding Ruby in midair, holding onto her hips! Ruby shakes her head in defiance as THE MONSTER MAXINE ROARS and LAUNCHES Ruby towards a turnbuckle. But the bodyguard-for-hire throws her TOO high and the acrobatic superstar is able to land on TOP of the turnbuckle, wobbling for balance. She performs a little hop, turning herself around, just as THE MONSTER MAXINE comes jogging toward her. Ruby LEAPS up as high into the air as she can-
-and comes down with both feet right on top of THE MONSTER MAXINE’s head! The Ruby in the Rough connects! The giant’s eyes glaze over at the precise impact and she falls to the ground like a doll who’s strings have been cut! Wide-eyed behind her mask, Ruby runs right back up to the top rope and comes crashing back down with a second Ruby in the Rough for good measure, and then covers THE MONSTER MAXINE.
1!
2!!
3!!!
Winner by Pinfall - Ruby
Vinnie Lane: “Ruby did it! Wow, what heart this kid has… I thought Max was gonna tear her head off, but it looks like the Dear’Os and Mad Rhymes are 1-1 in singles competition against one another! Wait what’s that? Folks I hear we have something happening outside the building, let’s take a look…”
Outside the arena, Sarah Lacklan runs to the pink corvette she parked earlier in the night. Still in her gear from her match with Vita Valenteen, and still sweating from her race against the 17-year-old wunderkind (which she may or may not have won!). She is in DIRE need of something she left in her car, which MAY be a velvet bag containing something PERSONAL which she suddenly has need for. She stops to admire her AMAZING parking job but then her perfectly-shaped eyebrows furrow in confusion.
Sarah: What the-
She notices the locks on the wheels of the car. She gives one of them a swift kick with one of her heeled wrestling boots and grunts in frustration. Then she notices a letter, folded neatly in three in the traditional style, placed underneath the windshield wiper. Curious, she pulls it free, unfolds, and reads:
Dearest Laclon
We all make mistakes in life, girly. In the end, you're only human like the rest of us. Yet my vigilant eye fell on a clear violation of crystal clear parking laws.
While I understand your predicament after your incident, please do take note that even disability placards need replacing. Even yours. An expiration date of 05/25 simply will not do, missy!
But as I'm but a watchful guardian and not an uncaring monster, I will remove your wheel clamp with the greatest of pleasure once you replace your expired placard with a signed and approved, non-expired version.
I merely have the safety and comfort of the people in mind. Thanks in advance for your understanding.
Glad to have been of service!
Ruby
Sarah crumbles up the letter in a clenched fist.
Sarah: OH EM GEE! My placard is LITERALLY just FIVE DAYS out of date! I HATE that trash panda SO GODDAMN MUCH!
She smooths open the letter and rereads it.
Sarah: And why in the HELL can NO ONE in this damned company spell my name right?! Sweet BABY Jesus, its not that hard! I cannot even-
She kicks one of the locked wheels again.
Sarah: Its not even MY car! Roxy is going to KILL me!
She tears the letter into many pieces and throws them to the ground in a cascade of white paper and yellow lettering.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-----
Sarah pulls out her SWEET Windows phone at hearing the notification and sees a text before her:
Ruby:The great state of Wyoming fines up to $1000 for littering, missy!
Sarah throws back her head and lets out the loudest and most petulant scream in the long history of spoiled brat tantrums.
Vinnie Lane: “Oh DUDE that is a serious annoyance! Do you have any idea what those boots do to a car’s alignment??? I think we need to get one last word from the sponsors out of the way before we go to tonight’s main event, so let’s do that!”
FOR THE XWF INTERNET CHAMPIONSHIP
Noah Jackson
- vs -
"Notorious" Ned Kaye
- vs -
"Beautiful" Bobbi London Internet Division Match!
Vinnie Lane: “Here we are dude! The main event and the very first title match in Anarchy’s young history. Two awesome talents that have really made a splash in the XWF and also Ned Kaye. All three will be in the ring tonight but only one will leave with the brand spanking new Internet Championship. Looks like we’re ready to go!”
The entire stadium goes black as the song begins. Slowly, the X-Tron begins to show scarce, glowing embers, the light of each one illuminating smoke growing at the entrance of the ramp. As the song continues, more embers are seen until a large fire is displayed on the screen. The ramp then glows Ned's famous blue, revealing a silhouette in the smoke. Slowly stepping from the fog is none other then Notorious Ned Kaye. He stops for a moment, calming himself in front of the clamoring crowd. He lifts an arm, eyeing the stands to watch the many audience members who follow suit. With a single smile, he drops his arm and rushes towards the ring, slipping in from under the bottom rope, picking himself up immediately.
Vinnie Lane: “Cool, there’s Ned. OH RAD HERE COMES BOBBI!”
“The Sickest C*nt” by Enkay1er begins to play as the lights turn up all through the arena. Bobbi emerges through the crowd, microphone in hand as she sings along with the words to her rather obnoxious and crude theme song. She prompts the fans to sing along with her, to the delight of the young fans and shock and embarrassment of the older people and parents, who attempt to cover their children’s ears. Bobbi slowly rolls over the barricade as she finally climbs into the ring, continuing to rap and dance terribly as the fans go wild.
Vinnie Lane: “Bobbi is a heck of a football player and a heck of a person. She once came in first, second, AND third at the same hot dog eating contest!”
Noah Jackson runs onto the ramp with a burst of energy, taunting to the crowds. He walks towards the ring going to high five fans before faking out and giving them a dab like a dick. He rolls into the ring and rests in his corner.
Vinnie Lane: “Now here’s a dude who really gets heads turning. Usually the other way to puke in a trash can because the homie doesn’t believe in deodorant, but he gets a reaction one way or the other, people. This match is going to be sick as heck… three evenly matched top draws right here in front of us to close the show! WICKED!”
The bell sounds and Noah and Ned start to jaw jack, approaching one another in the middle of the ring. Bobbi rushes the two men with a double clothesline attempt but only hits home on Ned, sending him flipping out over the top rope! Noah Jackson had seen the freight train headed his way and dropped down at the last moment, even having the presence of mind to drag the top rope with him to ensure Kaye went up and over.
Noah is back to his feet quickly, sending a series of hard kicks to the inner and outer thigh of Bobbi London, who immediately is stumbling and bumbling due to the assault on her hamhock. Noah makes a mistake, however, thinking he can hook the big beaut in a vertical suplex. He gets her a few inches off the mat but when London adjusts her position halfway up she ends up on top of Jackson, who finds himself having to squirm free from a pinning predicament very early in the match.
Luckily for Jackson, Ned Kaye wasn’t prepared for the match to end without himself getting a shot at the title. He grabs Noah’s ankles and forcibly pulls him out from under London who slams her fists into the mat, making a “this close” gesture with her fingers. At ringside, Ned blasts Noah in the face with an uppercut, then wraps an arm around his shoulders and performs a jumping STO, planting Noah into the ring apron. Jackson slides to the concrete floor and leaves Ned to focus on Bobbi… who flies out of the ring with a tope suicida!
Vinnie Lane: “Jesus! Bobbi just went for the Flying Gordita and nearly took out the front row!”
Indeed, all three competitors are now splayed on the floor as Bobbi London has decimated Ned Kaye and Noah Jackson has yet to recover from the STO. London gathers herself and manages to shake the cobwebs long enough to get to her hoovesfeet, and she eenie meenie minie moe’s until ultimately landing on Noah to roll back into the squared circle. Noah ends up on his stomach and Bobbi enters the ring, lines up her shot, then drops a huge elbow onto the small of Jackson’s back. Jackson arches, gritting his teeth in pain, and Bobbi takes advantage by locking in a crossface. Noah is in big trouble as he’s nowhere near the ropes, although a break wouldn’t come into play under triple threat rules regardless. The extra leverage could help him, but he might as well be miles away at this point. Bobbi cranks that like it’s the Soulja Boy, and it looks like Noah might be on the brink of tapping when Ned flops on top of London with a double axe that breaks the hold.
Once again all three athletes are on the ground, but this time as Bobbi slowly regains her vertical base, Ned meets her with a quick nip up and starts tossing quick jabs into her chin(s). Ned hits the ropes but Bobbi wasn’t as bad off as he’d hoped, as she catches him in a release belly to belly suplex that sends him all the way across the canvas. Bobbi sees her chance and rushes him, throwing a cannonball somersault at him as he reclines in the corner but misses the mark when Ned smartly exits the ring in the nick of time. When Ned moves to re-enter the ring, though, he’s met with a running boot from the revived Noah Jackson, sending Kaye crashing to the guard rail outside. Jackson sees London floundering on the mat and scrambles up the ropes, leaping off with a double stomp that lands right on London’s midsection. The action comes to a sudden halt as everyone in the arena hears the flatulence that Noah’s impact forced from the bowels of Bobbi London. A second later, Noah starts laughing hysterically and points at Bobbi’s backside.
“Mate I think she sharted!”
“I did not you wanker!”
“She did! She shit her pants!”
“FUCK OFF!”
Bobbi throws a hard right hand at Jackson, whose attention was diverted as he continued to mock Bobbi to the laughing crowd. Jackson teeters back but looks like he’ll stay on his feet, that is until Ned Kaye slides in behind him and scoops him down into a roll up, holding his shoulders to the canvas!
1!
2!!
Bobbi London has no choice but to save Noah Jackson, and she does it by scooping Ned into a back suplex. Ned is up quick but once again gets dropped when Bobbi is quicker on the draw of a lariat. As Bobbi reaches to pull Ned up once again, Noah Jackson hits her from behind (damn right) with a drop kick, sending London tumbling through the ropes to the outside, where she lands hard. Noah attempts to capitalize by also pulling Ned up but Ned trips Noah into a small package!
1!
2!!
Noah kicks out!
Noah Jackson rolls through the pinning attempt and catches Ned with a rugby kick that sends the April Star of the Month collapsing to the mat like a ton of bricks. Noah leaps on top with a lateral press!
1!
2!!
Ned gets a shoulder up!
Noah stays on Ned, peppering him with heavy shots and causing Kaye to roll onto his stomach to protect himself. Noah grabs Ned by the wrists and drags his arms back, keeping his foot on the back of Kaye’s head. He lifts Ned up and then releases the arms, snapping him face down in a standing curb stomp that rattles Ned’s veneers. Rather than make another cover, Noah pulls Ned to his feet and flings him into the corner, shaking the buckles. Noah follows him with a splash, but Ned ducks away! Noah crashes mouth first into the top turnbuckle and slumps in the corner, allowing Ned Kaye to charge in with a clothesline that hits home.
Vinnie Lane: “So many twists and turns in this match! I can’t keep track of who’s got the upper hand but it sure looks like Ned is in control at the moment!”
Ned follows up with a few hard shots to Noah, but Noah comes to his senses and returns fire. Jackson gets the upper hand in the pugilism display, grabbing Ned and tossing him into the corner, reversing positions. Noah unloads on Ned until Ned sags in the corner, and Noah screams in triumph, pounding his chest like the world’s skinniest silverback gorilla. Running back into the corner to dish out more punishment, Noah is caught when Ned lifts his boots up and clobbers the charging Jackson with his own momentum. A dazed Noah stumbles in a semicircle, and then eats a sling blade from Ned Kaye!
Vinnie Lane: “How much more can they have left?!”
When Ned lifts Noah off the mat, Noah greets him with a sudden inverted atomic drop! Ned winces and staggers back, leaving Noah to once again shove him into the corner and set him up for a big running attack… and this one lands! Ned eats a big boot from Noah, who wears the face of a man who feels things moving in his direction. Noah sets Ned up, lifting him in a front face lock for a suplex, but drops him instead to where he straddles the top buckle. Noah then climbs the ropes to the second and hooks the arm around his head again, setting up a superplex.
Vinnie Lane: “This is it! The endgame is upon us! Thanks for spoiling that movie by the way, Noah. I didn’t forget…”
Noah pulls for the superplex but Ned holds on. Noah tries harder but Ned still won’t release the top rope. Instead, Ned drives his fist into Noah’s short ribs, buckling the c-word lover. Ned then stands on the ropes and steps up to the top strand, pulling Noah up with him! The two men stand at the top of the corner buckles throwing hands until Ned catches a lucky left right on the button, which sends Noah falling down crotch first, landing on the buckles with his little dingus. Ned smells blood in the water and pulls Noah up almost instantly, then sets him up… spanish fly!
Vinnie Lane: “Holy crap! He got all of that one!”
Noah hits the mat hard with Ned right on top of him, and Ned hooks the near leg for a cover that seem almost inevitable!
1!
2!!
THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER!!!!
Bobbi London drops a huge leg drop on the back of Ned Kaye’s skull, causing him and Noah to crack craniums together and breaking up the pin! Bobbi rolls Ned out of the ring like she’s tossing out the day’s rubbish, then leaps onto Noah Jackson and covers!
1!
2!!
3!!!
Vinnie Lane: “Bobbi London did it! She’s the first champion of the Anarchy brand! HOW COOL IS THAT?!?!”
Winner and NEW XWF Internet Champion - Bobbi London
Vinnie Lane stands from his announce position and rushes into the ring with the Internet Championship belt, handing it to Bobbi who immediately wraps the Loverboy up in a massive hug and smiles from ear to ear.
As London’s music plays and she celebrates in the ring with her new title belt, Anarchy fades to black.
Special Thanks To:
Ned Kaye
Sarah Lacklan
Darius Xavier
Vita Valenteen
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