D is having some phone issues so posting this in his stead! He'll have his issues fixed before deadline for his individual promo, but figured this would help him out! Probs wouldn't even be an issue if he had a SWEET Windows Phone 🤔

(The scene opens to a commercial for XWF's newest video game, Warfare. On the screen is Big D, looking at the camera with a cocky smirk.)

"Hey boys and girls, do you want to be an XWF superstar, but don't have what it takes? Well you're in luck, because with the newest wrestling game, XWF Warfare, you can create your own Xtreme moments!........."

(It then shows an over the shoulder close-up of Big D enjoying the game. He's playing as himself against Ned Kaye. His character is outside of the ring with Kaye's, as he delivers a German Suplex against the ring post.)

"Or if you want, you can recreate some of your favorites! Like here's me reliving the moment I attacked Ned Kaye on Anarchy! Look at how realistic the physics are! You can ragdoll him and do whatever you please!"

(There's a fade out, with a fade back in to Big D still playing the game. He's again wrestling Ned Kaye, only this time, inside of a cage. D's character smashes Ned's face into the cage, repeating a comedic amount.)

"This game also allows you to play War Games! See how much fun me and Ned are having? It's so realistic, just like what'll happen at the Pay-per-view!"

(It then cuts to Big D standing against black backdrop, holding a copy of the game.)

"So get XWF Warfare now, BEFORE I break Ned Kaye so badly, they decide to remove him from the game!"

(The scene fades to black for a moment, before shifting to a new commercial featuring none other than XWF Federweight Champion, Sarah Lacklan)

HIIIII-iiiiiiii! This is Sarah Lacklan-

Ascending piano notes vill the air as Sarah flips back her hair and flashes that Billion $$$ Smile.

-Marketing GENIUS-

Her teeth sparkle and a DING! is heard.

-here to tell you of the AMAZEBALLS new downloadable content available for XWF Warfare! Now, we ALL know how the game is RIDDLED with bugs...which include a CERTAIN Xtreme Champion being able to kick out of backstage pinfall attempts without even needing to push the buttons alot...but THIS update brings LOTS of fixes! And! AND! Along with all of those CRAXY awesome fixes, it includes a few BRAND NEW characters to play with! We’ve got-

We see a bulky bearded man with an intense gaze and two ice cream cones in his hand.

-The Massachusetts Pissbaby! And the even included his “I get WAY too excited for ice cream trucks which has NOTHING to do with the crowd of kids that come with it, nothing WHATSOEVER PLEASE DON’T LOOK AT MY LAPTOP” finisher! And we also have-

We see a collage of motley crew of people, including but not limited to: A woman in a green and yellow superhero’s outfit, a girthy woman weilding turkey legs, a dark-skinned man covered in furs with crossed eyes, a shaggy-haired man with “CUNT!” written on 27 different places on his body, and an owl. Like, literally an owl? Or something?

-the majority of the Anarchy roster! Because, apparently, some of you out there wanted to see one dude murder someone on screen while a blatant and yet still somehow boring-as-FLAME Strong Bad rip-off fight to the death! But thankfully for EVERYONE out there, this update is ALSO here to provide you with THE BEST thing possible and the thing you LITERALLY begged for-

We see Sarah...because of course we do...in digital form.

ME!

And with a gleeful cackle, Sarah shows us the SIXTEEN version of her that are being included in the game.

Now, with every version of me you can play, you get to choose from FOUR different color schemes. My red and black is default of course, because my Beloved got PISSED when I switched over to green for a while, and you can also choose the green and gold, the blue and silver, and the black and lavender, which might axly be her favorite going forward. You get to play:

The screen shows the various version of her as she names them off.

The Blood Princess! The Queen of Anarchy! Prepped for Sexytimes! Cheerleader Sar! Valet Sar! Sarha, the Vampire of Lacklanland! The Dread Pirate Queen! The Great Miko! The Mysterious LENA! Darth Sarah! The Light Incarnate! AND SO MANY MORE! So get the update, download this SWEET new roster, and replay moments like me dominating Dolly or making Taco cry in a corner over and over again! Enjoy playing with me!

Sar gives an exaggerated wink and blows a kiss.

The scene cuts to a shot of Peter Gilmour standing in front of a black backdrop. He is wearing a black shirt and black pants as his hair flows down the sides of his beardly face. He has something in his hand but we can't see it just yet. Peter gets ready to speak to the camera.

Peter: Hey Gilmourholics! Want to take it to the Xtreme just like your hero does every time on Warfare or PPV? Well now you can. It's the latest game from 2k sports. Its XWF Xtreme Warfare. You can play as yours truly and beat the shit out of assholes like CCP and James Raven. You can whip out your super dick just like I do. It's the perfect gift for the gamer in you. So Gilmourholics, I strongly urge you all to get XWF Xtreme Warfare out now on all consoles. Buy it now or I'll super dick punch you to the moon just like I did Doc D'Ville. GET THE FUCKIN GAME AND TAKE YOUR GAME......... TO THE XTREEEEEEEEEEEEEEME!!

Peter gets up real close to the camera and breathes heavily as we cut to the next commercial

(The camera opens to a clean looking, beautiful apartment. Five kids are gathered around the TV set, smashing each other to bits on the brand new XWF video game... SUDDENLY, the door is broken apart and splinters fall everywhere... the kids begin to scream in fright. The roof is torn off and a harsh rain storm begins to flood the room... the rain slowly becomes blood red as the children continue to wail in terror, their parents off blowing their cash at the nearest casino. Demonic growls filter from the static filled tv screen.... thunder and lightning quake in the distance as visions of Rain and Snow appear in the sky above, the two Wiccan siblings tongue-wrestling. Blood pours down the walls, the room is now infested with worms, flies, maggots, spiders, snakes and roaches. The five children try their damndest to escape this hell, but they’re unable to find a way out. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, the demonic sounds intensify, metal scraping against metal, a low moan is heard as if from the mouth of a dying woman... Static once again breaks through the screen, before we find a picture of the brand spankin’ new XWF game, with a notice at the bottom; )

Warning: May cause death.
Welcome to the realm of Xtreme.

---

---

After the last commercial for XWF Warfare, we see the group of individuals who filmed them. It's 4 of the 5 members of Team Big D, all gathered around after a rough day of shooting the advertisements. Right as the camera crew leave, we see Bearded War Pig come rushing in.

BWP: "Alright, I'm ready to shoot my commercial."

Big D: "It's too late, they just wrapped for the day."

BWP looks disappointed as his teammates awkwardly look around. These wrestlers weren't all too familiar with each other, some didn't even really want to team together. But this was the way the cards fell into place, and they were gonna have to make the most of it.

Big D: "So, in preparation for War Games, I came up with an idea: why don't the 5 of us hang out together? I was thinking we could each pick an activity we like and share it with each other. You know, as a way of team building."

Sarah's eyes go wide and she gasps at Big D's suggestion.

Sarah: "Oh em gee! LET'S GO TO THE MALL!"

Peter Gilmour, BWP, and Rain all look at Sarah as if she just insulted their mothers. They turn from the Federweight Champion to the leader of Team Big D, hoping he's not gonna give Lacklan her way. Big D slowly grins and gives his teammates a shrug.

Big D: "You heard her, boys, last one to the limo's a worse wrestler than Ned Kaye!"

Peter: "Wait....... You rented a limo before you knew we'd say yes?"

Sarah: "FINALLY a little class. You sure you can afford this on your salary as a peasant who sells his own body parts for bread? Eh, whatev. Shotgun, LOSERS!"

Rain: "You want to sit in the front seat...... of a limo?"

Lacklan straight up ignores Rain's remark as the five members of Team Big D make their way outside where, sure enough, there was a limo waiting for them. They all get in, Sarah Lacklan taking shotgun as she rightfully called, for whatever reason. Inside the back of the limo was a stoner's paradise: pre-rolled joints, blunts, already loaded pipes, and even an over the top looking bong. The three members of the team in the back with their leader look completely shocked, Gilmour's look also being one of disgust.

Peter: "What the fuck is all this?"

Rain: "Uuuuuum, weed, obviously."

Lacklan: “Its ‘obvs,’ bb.”

Gilly gives Rain a look like he'd kill him right there on the spot if he wasn't on his team. Big D laughs, ignoring the tension between his team.

Big D: "This is my FAVORITE thing: marijuana."

Big D lights up a joint and takes a deep inhale. BWP instantly reaches for the ridiculous bong and begins taking huge hits off it, while Rain casually smokes a bowl. Peter covers his face in horror, to Big D's confusion.

Big D: "What's wrong, Gilly, you don't approve?"

Peter: "I think weed smells like shit."

Lacklan: "I axly agree with Gilly, SHOCKER."

Big D(chuckling): Well you've obviously never smelled MY weed.

Peter rolls down the window and sticks his head out the back, not caring that the smoke seeping out makes it look like Willie Nelson is in town. Big D shrugs, continuing to enjoy his joint, before heading towards the front where Lacklan sits ignoring the rest of them. He reaches down and picks up a gas mask, which he proceeds to hand to Lacklan.

Big D: "You might want this."

Instead of taking the gas mask, Lacklan stiffens up. D is confused by her reaction, but tries his best to convince her it's in her best interest.

Big D: "It's okay, it's, uuuum, ultra filtered...er...DESIGNER air that will make it so you don't have to smell the pot."

Big D gives her a fake reassuring smile, but hearing the great news that she won't have to deal with the smoke causes her to instantly take it and throw it on. Little does Lacklan realize, this mask is a WEED gas mask, with a bowl loaded with the green stuff at the end that she doesn't notice. Big D sparks a lighter and proceeds to move it for the bowl, which causes Sarah to notice and freak out. She tosses the mask off her face and shrieks, causing D to jump back where the other 3 teammates are. Lacklan rolls her eyes, and begins to roll up the divider.

Sarah: "Ugh, it WOULD be stink weed...shit’s not even a real drug...amateurs..."

The window goes up and D, BWP, Rain, and Gilmour are left in the back by themselves. As the three willing participants continue to smoke, Gilly is almost hanging out the limo window to avoid the smoke.

Big D: "I just want you guys to know I'm counting on all of you. Everywhere I've been, I got overlooked for a title shot for far longer than I deserved, and this match means everything to me."

Rain: "We won't let you down."

Peter(yelling from outside the limo): "YOU will, but the rest of us won't."

BWP goes to add in his two cents, but instead begins to choke on the insane amount of smoke he inhaled. Rather than speaking, he just coughs out a shit ton of clouds.

Big D: "I'm serious, though, we can't let Ned's team win. If he gets ANOTHER Universal Title shot, I'm gonna feel like I'm reliving my WWF days. A time period where the same few people kept getting shots at the Champion over and over again, never making room for better competition. We all saw how bad Ned flopped in his shot, he's nowhere close to deserving another one."

The group make small talk, with Rain constantly bemoaning how he would MUCH rather be at home making Shane proud by making out with his sister instead of doing something worthwhile, until they arrive at the mall. The five shuffle out, Sarah from the front, Gilly climbing out the rest of the way out of the window, and the three stoners alongside a billow of pot smoke as the doors open.

Sarah: It’s MAAAAAALLLLLLL TIIIIIIIIIIIME!

Big D, Bearded War Pig, and Gilmore shuffle their feet as Sarah sashays, literally sashays, towards the wide double doors leading to the mall. Rain starts to skip behind her, because of course he does, in his desperate need to catch some of her shine. What happens next, all caught by the cameras of both the XWF team following the War Games group and the Dark Goddess Productions team just about always with Sarah, is a cacophony of idiocy which could only be presented via montage with some generic 80’s music playing.

The music is played, of course, by Vinnie Lane himself. Dude is fuckin’ SHREDDING on his hot pink double electric guitar with the harmonica attachment.

~~Everybody come and play~~

Sarah finds herself in the designer shoe store, pulling box after box off the rack, until she is swimming in a pile of shoes like Scrooge McDuck in his vault. Off to the side, Big D has his head down, his face in his palm, while Gilmore asks every worker in the store if they would like ever so much to see his Peter. Rain is trying on a pair of heels which do NOTHING for his calves, to which Sarah will admonish him for before too long, and War Pig does his best to sneak his way over to a bedazzled pair of work boots that just so happen to be in his size and match his eyes. He makes a killer Stealth check, being able to get the boots to the cashier without the boys noticing, but Sarah’s eagle eye for fashion catches him. He looks abashed behind the massive beard, but Sarah just smiles and busts out a certain metallic black credit card.

Sarah: Lets buy ALL the shoes!

~~Throw every last care away~~

The crowd within the mall gave way to the path of the odd quintet, leaving a wash of confused and interested faces in their wake. Sarah led the charge, a single bag from the shoe store in her left hand to balance the purse over her right shoulder, Big D was doing his best to not seem like he was stuck with the psychopath, Gilmore accosted yet a few more people with opportunities to view his infamously glorious Snake of the Trousers, Rain was loudly lamenting that he couldn’t be making out with Snow since this was a “no significant others” trip, and the behemoth War Pig was stuck carrying the mountain of boxes of shoes from Sarah’s purchase, which included the boots he couldn’t WAIT to try on.

The group makes a sudden turn as Rain LEAPS into the anime store and the group follows. Rain finds himself in the hentai section...because of course he does...perusing for the Aki-Sora special edition...because of course he is. Big D raises his eyes when he sees a comic that has a little girl with bright hair and red eyes holding a whip on the cover, and Sarah nonchalantly hides behind War Pig for an unrelated reason. Gilmore...again...offers the girl at the counter the chance of a lifetime to enjoy his everlasting gobstopper.

~~Lets go to the mall, today~~

A starving War Pig got them pressed towards the food court. Sarah pouted the entire time about there not being a SINGLE quadruple certified organic spot offering nothing but free range cage free chicken which spent a lifetime being pampered by loving and dedicated servants, like seriously, why the hell not?!, but she eventually got over it when she RAN to Rain’s side and slapped the ice cream cone out of his hand. Rain was about to dive into what seemed to be a ball of yumminess, but the sign above the store, Massachusetts Pissbaby’s Ice Cream! got her Creep Senses tingling. Big D and War Pig loaded up their trays over at the Mongolian BBQ joint so high that the poor worker behind the counter’s eyes went so wide that his pupils disappeared, and Gilmore found himself over at the Hot Dog on a Stick. After an unnecessarily lengthy conversation, the nice girls told him that, no, they were NOT interested in “dipping his dog” and that, no, they were NOT interested in doing that jumping up and down thing with the lemonade for him. Sarah MAY have frowned at that, too.

~~Lets go to the mall everybody!~~

The doors of the mall burst outward as Sarah dances away, spinning and hoping, as if she were in a musical. In fact, she DOES start to sing, and a flock of birds come to her, each landing on her outstretched arms as she leaps upon the edge of a fountain. Rain is behind her, and he too tries to sing, which just brings a couple of disinterested rats out of hiding. Out the door comes Big D, who looks exhausted from the adventure, and War Pig, who is now carrying even MORE bags and boxes. Apparently, there was a sale on purses and Sar HAD to have a “few.” Gilly McNasty is last, as he holds open the door for some women to enter in. He, ever the gentlemen, gives them a nod of his head and a slight bow as they pass, BEFORE offering them the rare and unique opportunity to “ride Gilmore Mountain.” SUCH a gentleman!

After they all get to the limo, War Pig finds himself unloading all of the many, MANY new purchases on Sarah’s credit card into the trunk, and Big D looks around.

Big D: Well...now what? Any ideas?

Rain’s face immediately brightens.

Everyone: NO!

His face falls but Gilly is there to be a hero.

Gilmore: Lets get fucked up?

TO THE BAR!

Before long, the five War Games teammates were sitting around a circular table within a dark bar filled with pool tables, fluorescent lights, and the stench of sadness that accompanies the regulars of a bar. A waitress, a young and pretty brunette with a chest falling out of her top, comes up to them and asks for their orders. Gilly has already made a comment about his super dick, Sarah was trying so hard to NOT stare at the woman’s exposed bosom that it was painfully obvious, and Rain was muttering under his breath that he wished the waitress was actually his sister because they could find a corner to make out in. Thankfully, D and War Pig are here to move the story along.

BWP: Got any grog?

Confused look.

BWP: What about mead?

Confused look.

BWP: Um...beer?

LOTS of that, thankfully. Big D nods in approval.

Big D: Blue Moon.

The waitress writes down the orders and turns to the rest of the table.

Gilmore: Jack and Coke.

Sarah rolls her eyes and mutters something about the Gilmeister being a pussy.

Sarah: Whiskey. Dirty.

The waitress turns to Rain but then just kinda slips away at the look in his eyes. Small talk occurs as the waitress returns with:

Round #1

Everyone cheers and clinks glasses, offering toasts to kicking some royal Team Ned ass during War Games. War Pig and D work on their beers. Gilmore sips his Jack and Coke while Sar chugs hers. Rain does Rain things.

Round #2

D, Gilmore, and Rain make their way to a pool table. Sar downs a second shot as War Pig looks at the seemingly slight girl with a newfound appreciation.

Round #3

D, unphased by his beer consumption, has won three games of pool. Gilmore is holding a pool stick between his legs and promising all the girls that his super dick is MUCH bigger, and Rain is wistfully thinking about how much the pool table holes look like his sister’s holes. Back at the table, Sar has a third shot glass turned upside down and War Pig has added one to his two empty beer bottles.

Round #4

D and Gilmore have taken over the karaoke station. D has a shockingly beautiful falsetto while belting out some Def Leppard tunes, though that pales in comparison to Rain’s deep base. Gilly, meanwhile, is changing every third work to some childish form of “penis.” Back at the table, Sarah grins at War Pig, who is beginning to waver in his seat, as she raises yet another glass to him.

Round #5

A standing ovation from the crowd as the three men finish their rendition of “America...FUCK YEAH!” Sarah’s eyes are slightly glazed with drink while War Pig has passed out on the floor.

Round #6

Sarah now sits on top of the slumbering War Pig as the rest have returned to the table.

Big D: So….um...now what?”

Rain: I GOTTA GO!

Rain leaps from his seat and runs for the door. Sarah, D, and Gilly all look to one another, each VERY aware of where their partner is going. With shrugs around the table, they all take one final shot, attempt to wake their slumbering War Piggy, and follow Rain to the limo.

Why the hell not, right?

The limo arrived at Rain's place and everyone made their way in. As they did so, Rain jumped for joy at the sight of his love: his sister, Snow. The rest of the team groaned and complained, even leader Big D, at the sight of Rain tongue wrestling his sister.

Peter: "Nope, no way!"

Peter instantly turns to walk away, as Bearded War Pig just stares at the siblings. Big D grabs him by the arm, but Gilmour yanks it away. At this point, Lacklan was already out the door, to which Gilly followed.

Big D: "Guys, he's our teammate!"

Lacklan: "He's a fa-REAK!"

Big D turns and looks at the incestuous couple, frowning. He then addresses the team as a whole, standing in the doorway between BWP and the Perfect Storm on the inside, and Gilmour and Lacklan on the outside.

Big D: "I think we've learned that we're all different people. Some of us smoke weed, others enjoy a drink or two......."

Peter(eyeing Sarah): "Or a hundred."

Big D: "My point is, we don't have to like each other. Once War Games is over, we don't even have to interact anymore. But from this point, until Sunday, we HAVE to work together. I'm not gonna get my title shot without you guys, and one of you isn't gonna get an Xtreme Title shot without the rest of us."

Peter(mumbling): "I'm already getting an Xtreme Title shot......"

Sarah smacks Gilly in the back of the head. He turns to swing at her, but Big D stops her. This entire time, Rain is still all over Snow, while BWP watches on curiously.

Big D: "Regardless of who does or doesn't get shots, this match is about more than that. The entire world is gonna be watching each and every one of us. They're either gonna see Rain as a loser who wants to bang his sister, or as a War Games champion who wants to bang his sister. People are gonna know Bearded War Pig as either an American Hero who lost his team War Games, or a true soldier who stepped it up and lead his squadron to hell and back. Will we see Sarah Lacklan continue to show the world exactly why she is the Queen of XWF AND the Federweight Champion? And will Peter Gilmour show the world he's more than just someone with a super dick?! I think we're ALL gonna go out there, put Ned Kaye on his back, and make sure he knows his place. Can you guys help me get there?"

Big D puts his hand out, waiting for the rest of his team to join him. Peter sighs, knowing his captain is right, and puts his hand on D's. BWP takes a few steps towards Big D, eyes still fixated on Rain and Snow's make out session, and outs his hand in. They look at Lacklan, who rolls her eyes and puts her hand in, making sure not to make any body contact or hand touching. The four of them, because Rain's too preoccupied, put their hands in the air in a team effort, ready to put down Team Ned Kaye come War Games. Afterwards, they all awkwardly stand around for a minute, before BWP breaks the silence.

BWP: "SOOOOOOOO, are we NOT taking turns on his sister?"

Fade to black.