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Lacklan · (05-13-2019)

Sarah Selena Grey-Lacklan, that gloriously amazeballs premier athlete (more on that in a bit!) whose frosty badassery is basically, like, six Galladrials combined (go check out that Blackwater promo), (wait, no really, go check it out), blinks several times as the pain in the side of her head melts away. She sniffs loudly, taking in smelly fat loser, and realizes the predicament she is in. She squeezes her abs and then pushes out, just getting the smelly fat loser off her. Rounding to a kneeling position, she takes stock of where she is, and then groans.

Uhhh…it WOULD be one of the fat ones....

She stands up with a grimace, brushes off her shoulders, whips her hair back while flashing that Billion $$$ smile, and clocks in.

Here’s the next reject in a cesspool of ne’er-do-wells hoping to gain ANY sort of achievement or recognition off my shine. Here is the reality, dearie:

My shine is too bright for you.

I GET that you are totes obsessed with me. Why wouldn’t you be?! But like a LOT of my stalkers, you only look at the outside. You only look at the BRILLIANT and AMAZEBALLS smile of the Marketing Genius which has brought a level of sophistication and a layer of awesomesauce so thick that six people have choked in a row on a mouthful. That’s not even including the stupid pig, the dude who runs and hides when challenged, OR the freakin’ owner! And you think that YOU, a dude who doesn’t understand the difference between “minion” and “intern/Legionette” and needs to drop a bunch of names no one...literally no one...has heard of, can be the one to tackle ME?

Here’s that reality, dearie:

Third time’s the charm? Please. You’re one failed title attempt away from being a shitty Kid Kool side character. Trying to win one of these titles with twenty seven attempts while being here for five seconds? Shit, you’re twelve seconds away from finding yourself in a preshow match with Kuda where the winner has to join in on a disgusting threeway makeout session with Rain and Snow. And you know why? Because you’re jumping up and down “NOTICE ME, SENPAI!” nonsense is as eyeroll-inducing and gag-reflex-fighting as Whyte leaping into every conversation with a pathetic attempt to be remembered two years after his last promo. Hell, you’re so needy for attention that you’ll probably volunteer to sit in the audience for Eli’s lame-as-FUCK kid show or ask Game Girl for seventeen banners before you’ve had three matches. You’re nothing but a little boy begging for the attention, and THAT’S coming from Mrs. Eyes On Me!

So here’s the dealio, Flubby McFlubberton: MY job in the XWF is to bring quality and class to this company! MY job is to show the entire WORLD what a TRULY elite athlete looks, sounds, trains, and fights like. MY job is to be the stars which little kids reach for as they grow through life. But you? YOU’RE the dude who doesn’t get a ring entrance. YOU’RE the dude who is already in the ring when we come back from a commercial break. YOU’RE the dude who the ring announcer hypes up as “And already in the ring...from Nowheresville, USA...some nameless jobber you won’t remember in five minutes!” YOUR job is to end up on the receiving end of everyone’s finisher in some XWF compilation on CoolTube.

So do me a favor: Stop wasting my time so that I can get back to producing a KILLER War Games promo as I do my BEST to DRAG my SHITTY-ASS TEAM out of the muck of mediocrity so that I can launch off their shoulders and win this damn thing all by myself!

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