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**"Loverboy" Vinnie Lane** · (05-08-2019)

Vinnie Lane uses his skeleton key to enter Sarah Lacklan's private sleeping chamber. He sees what looks like an oxygen tent? Then peers inside and sees the reigning XWF King Queen of the Ring asleep on top of what looks like at least three dozen mattresses and surrounded by fluffy throw pillows, and with her crown still on her head as well as the Federweight Title on her shoulder.

"Aw. Look at her sleeping like a little angel! I can't believe Rox put me up to this... stupid bet..."

Vinnie then produces a tiny pea and sticks it underneath one of the mattresses closest to the floor. He then scampers up the ladder to the top of the bed... just in time! Sarah notices the miniscule discomfort from the pea under her 34th mattress and sits up dramatically, just in time to be whacked in the face by an official XWF Frying Pan swung by Loverboy.

CLANGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

Sarah flops backward onto the bed and Vinnie places one finger on her forehead and holds up his cell phone, reading from it like a teleprompter.

"Sigh... I hope Sarah doesn't get mad about me saying all this stuff. Alright here goes...

Sarah Lacklan calls herself the Blood Princess because she's on her period 364 days a year. Lacklanland cuisine consists of offal and tripe, mercury-laden shellfish, and something called a 'Lacklanland Pheasant' which somehow manages to be 110% fat. There are spiders the size of monster trucks, and she names them. Until she was 15 years old, these were her only friends. After 15? She was 'friends' with every boy in Northern Maine for 20 minutes at a time until her daddy locked her in a bedroom in a tall tower because he was afraid of her getting knocked up by someone who wasn't related to them. Every Lacklan's procreational goal is to have a thinner family tree than Charles II of Spain, because Jean-Paul was jealous of the Hapsburg Jaw. Christ Rox, what did you do, binge watch The Tudors before writing this?"

Vinnie pauses and makes sure that Sarah is still snoozing. She is. Loudly. She should probably get a CPAP Machine.

"Sarah is totes... ubes... obvs... NOT the leader of the CoolKids, which is why Roxy Cotton, who is way hotter, smarter, taller, and tanner than Sarah, is well on her way to being the better UGWC Cross-Semicircle Champion than she was. Also, Sarah has a lot of grey hairs. Like, a LOT. She just colors them. By the way, albinos smell funny. Like onions. Or maye it's because she eats a lot of onions, because she def does eat a lot of onions. She puts onions on everything. Especially fish, which she also eats WAY too much of. She has hammer toes and tries to hide them with expensive shoes, but all that does is accentuate her cankles, which she tried to tell me were there on purpose from all the squats, and I was like, uh, Sarah, that's like not even how squats work? And she was all STFU you don't do them right and then I was like I totally do but she was like whatever and so I was like whatever. Oh, and one of her boobs is even smaller than the other, which is already really small. It's like she has both kinds of chihuahua under her shirt, the deer head and the apple head. So weird. Thanks for taking her title, Vinnie, I'll give you a big wet BJ later on. Oh, don't read that last part out loud though."

Vinnie looks up with a grimace.

"Crap."

He then swipes at his phone and turns it around, showing a Facetime with referee Virginia Hymen, who starts the count.

1!

2!

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