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Lacklan · (04-05-2019)

HIIIIII-iiiiiiii!

Sarah Lacklan here….

MARKETING GENIUS

And!

AND!

QUEEN of Anarchy!

to give unto you baby birds the BEST thing you have seen today! Because it is

#CoolRankingsTime!

That’s right, all you Fang Gangers out there, the #CoolRankings division of my Legion of Interns have CRUNCHED all the XWF numbers thus far put up in 2019, and I have the TOP TEN performers of the year thus far! And this isn’t one of those “I PUTS MY FRIENDS FIRST” lists, or, even worse, one of those “THESE ARE THE PICS I JERK OFF TO ON TWITTER” that you’d normally see. Oh no! The ONLY way to earn points in MY rankings is to win! You get points for winning, a bonus for title matches and main events and NOT ONE FUCKING THING for a loss. Because F that losing shit!

Without further adieu, I give you the very FIRST batch of XWF #CoolRankings, from the very FIRST show of the year through our very FIRST pay per view event!

Ranking	Name	Cool Points
10	Zane Norrison	10
9	Hanari Carnes	12.33
8	Donovan Blackwater	13
7	Lux	13.43
6	Sarah Lacklan	13.5
5	Drew Archyle	16
4	Vita Valenteen	16.11
3	Mastermind	16.25
2	Robert Main	18
1	Dolly Waters	23.14

Now, the REAL treat of the evening….LET’S BREAK IT DOWN!

- Zane Norrison barely makes the list, and he did so by starting the year off HOT! A 3-match win streak, which included two championship wins, but he hasn’t been active since February. Unless he shows up again, I expect him to be off the list WAY before the next edition comes out after War Games.

- Ha-Car also started off the year with a bang, getting three wins and two championship wins, but has since kinda cooled. Not getting booked for the PPV will do that, and I’m hoping she jumps onto the stage with some fire in her gut and goes after her title again.

- Fucktard Bro #938 is a bit of a polarizing figure. His record is kinda lame at 4-3-1, but THREE of those FOUR wins are title matches, including beating that dipshit Duke so bad at the PPV that the low-born Connecticut Hillbilly Trash spent half his promo time he other day saying “Yeah, well what did you expect? I only spent all week talking shit on twitter, that you’re not on, and then lost, I’m only 20, that was SUPPOSED to happen!” It’s gonna take some thought as to which one of these guys is the bigger idiot.

- Lux spent most of the year thus far getting rimmed out by the straw-eating Connecticut Hillbilly, and that seemed to lube him up pretty well. Edging out D-Black by less than half a point, Lux has a pretty solid record of 5-2 and has shown that he can go with the best of the semi-finalists of the world.

- Well, well, well. After only THREE shows, the HOTTEST chick in the world is right in the middle of the pack! The importance here, for those not paying attention, is that winning high-profile matches REALLY count for your points, merch sales, marketing opportunities, and the like. I’m 4-0 thus far, with a main event and title win, so these points are RACKING UP. Just wait until I win ANOTHER main event match at the new Anarchy show!

- Speaking of making the matches count! The Apex DOMINATED everything they have done thus far, and the Drewmeister is a great example of that. His record of 3-0 includes all title matches and two main events, AND two promo-of-the-month nods. Killer!

- Vita has done a GREAT job thus far this year! Her record isn’t EXACTLY something to send a pigeon home about, since she’s lost almost HALF her matches, but those wins! FOUR title wins! AND a couple of main events! She only edged Drew out by the narrowest of margins, but that’s what being a fighting champion will do for you.

- Speaking of fighting champions, the Master(bater) from Down Under has spent half the year defending titles, including taking Vita’s the other day. A couple of main event wins helped elevate him just past Vita and into the Top 3, and the sky is still pretty much the limit for the dude. Well, if it wasn’t for the two people in front of him…

- Main is the MAN! I mean, I pride myself on being somewhat of a special attraction, but I ain’t got SHIT on this dude! Literally EVERY match he has had thus far has been for either the Universal or Tag Titles in the main event. He is epitomizing what it means to be a draw, to fill out a house, and put on a show that sends everyone home and happy they spent their money. Just CRAXY output!

- I am SO proud that my padawan, my Dolly, is the first-ever NUMBER ONE PLAYA on the XWF #CoolRankings. Since she came back, she has been on FIRE In a way that NO ONE else has. She has taken on a LOT of matches, and amazed a truly craxy 9-2 record, won THREE title matches, AND dispatched that gross-as-flame Graves. And with ME to teach her lessons in iife, its only a matter of time until we get to see Waters vs. Main. Count on it!

Welp, that’s it for this edition! Stay tuned for MORE #CoolRankings and my EXCELLENT and FLAWLESS insight into the hows and whys!

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