Is Dexter ill? Is Dexter ill? Is Dexter ill Is Dexter ill today?

Mr Kirk, Dexter's in school!

I'm afraid he's not, Miss Fishborne. Dexter's truancy problem is way out of hand. The Baltimore County school board have decided to expel Dexter from the entire public school system!

Oh Mr. Kirk, I'm as upset as you to learn of Dexter's truancy. But surely, expulsion is not the answer!

I'm afraid expulsion is the only answer. It's the opinion of the entire staff that Dexter is criminally insane…*echo*….insane….insane….insane….

On the main screen is a grainy image of an old television test screen. After the initial dialogue the sound slips into “Frontier Psychiatrist” by The Avalanches.




The following match is the finals of the XWF King of the Ring Tournament! Introducing first, from parts unknown, accompanied by his handler Madison Dyson and the NEW XWF X-Treme Champion... he is THHEEEEEEE ENGINEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!


As the offbeat tune picks up, the test screen fades and is instead replaced with a series of Rorschach ink blots. Each panel of ink blots at first looks innocuous, but soon slithers into the shadowy outlines of terrible scenes: a knife going through a head, a body with entrails spilling out before it, a bisected human torso, a figure whose face appears to be slipping off. Interspersed with the morphing inkblot tests are other images of rats flitting about in sewers and pictures of pleasant “whitebread” 1950’s families whose members have no faces. The white lights are now accompanied by small red lights panning all over the arena that look like droplets of blood in contrasts with the white lights.

The Engineer steps to the top of the ramp, his head ticking back and forth as he shoots the crowd paranoid, nervous glares and mutters to himself. He stalks to the ring and rolls under the bottom rope, whereupon he paces back and forth like a caged animal, still talking to himself, while he waits for the bell.


And his opponent... from ALL OVER THE WORLD... weighing 203 pounds... TEN TIMES BETTER... SETH! FUCKING! FEDERRRRRRR!!!!






Seth Feder walks slowly down the ramp, his ribs heavily taped after the match with Phantom Panzer earlier in the night. He has a smirk on his face showing through the Batman cowl he's wearing, which he removes and plops onto the top of his home corner after entering the ring and waiting for the match to begin.





There’s the bell, and the newly-minted X-Treme Champion, The Engineer, charges across the ring and right away tackles Seth Feder!

Feder’s heavily taped ribs are targeted right off the bat, with Engy ripping away at the wrappings and pulling them free from the damaged ribcage, all while burying repeated elbow and forearm strikes into the wounded area.

Seth Feder presses his hands into the face of Engy and forces him away just enough for Feder to manage to squirm out of his grip. Seth, in obvious pain but trying to mask it, winces and rolls out of the way of a wild knee dive from The Engineer.

Engineer has some seriously unorthodox tactics, Luca, I wonder how Seth Feder here will adapt?

…

Luca?

Oh! My bad, fam, I was on Bumble.

A dedicated professional, as always.

In the ring, Seth Feder kicks away at the thighs of Engy, trying to slow the champ down. After ducking under a wild haymaker of a clothesline attempt, Seth immediately turns and throws a dropkick to Engy’s knee, knocking Engy onto all fours. Feder then grabs Engy around the head and snaps backward in a short-DDT, but his ribs take a beating in the process and he has to clutch at the small of his back and grimace through the pain.

Seth slowly gets to his feet, but Engy has him by an ankle and drops him back down onto his belly, climbing onto his back and pummeling around the back of his neck and skull. Feder drags himself to the ropes and grabs the bottom strand, and referee Mika Hunt starts a five count on Engy.

1!
2!
3!
4!
… The Engineer begrudgingly releases his grip on the downed Feder and takes an earful from Hunt about respecting her authority as an official.

Important to note, folks, that although this match dos feature the X-Treme Champion, it is not technically an X-Treme Rules match! Engy here could get disqualified!

What a gay-ass way to end a tournament that would be though, JR. I say let them scrap!

Mika Hunt has already been very lenient…

Seth pulls himself using the ropes as Engy is still busy with the referee and he then struts over and plants a shin kick right between Engy’s legs. The Engineer’s eyes roll back in his head and he drops to his knees making a high pitched noise, and now Mika Hunt admonishes Feder.

Feder brushes it off, though and marches over to the still seemingly incapacitated Engineer, grabbing him and bringing him to his feet then reeling him in with a vicious short-arm clothesline, holding onto Engy’s arm. Feder then wraps the arm between his own legs and jumps up, dropping to his knees and bending Engy’s arm at a drastic angle. A loud POP echoes through the arena.

Dear lord! Engy’s arm is clearly injured!

The Engineer flails on the mat, his arm bent and clearly dislocated at the elbow. Seth attempts to grab Engy by the wrist but Engy shoves him off into a corner, then grabs his own wrist and yanks on his arm.



The noise Engy’s arm makes as he pops it back into place causes Mika Hunt to lean out of the ring and barf on the ringside floor. What a snowflake.

Engy charges Seth feder in the corner but Feder slips out of the way and Engy crashes into the turnbuckles. Feder tries to take advantage, grabbing at the back of Engy’s head and slamming him face first into the top turnbuckle once, twice, three times… and then Engy slams an elbow back into Feder’s face, knocking Seth on his ass and shooting two red streams of blood out of his nostrils.

Engy turns then and runs at the downed Seth Feder, who spins his legs and trips up the barreling juggernaut. Engy hits the mat chin first and Seth quickly locks in a crossface submission, wrenching Engy’s neck and back. Engy grits his teeth but doesn’t seem to be anywhere near tapping out, and Feder’s damaged ribs are making it difficult for him to apply the proper pressure.

Then, without warning, Engy turns his head and bites down hard on Seth Feder’s face!

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN! Must be hungry!

Feder releases the hold and frantically grabs at his face, shoving Engy off of him. Blood and bits of flesh hang from his cheek as he rolls away…and Engy leaps right back on top of him! Engy goes for his face again, gnashing his teeth millimeters away from Seth Feder’s eyes. Seth throws his legs up and wraps them around Engy’s shoulders, pulling his head down and sinking in a deep triangle choke! Engy makes guttural noises while trying to maintain consciousness, but his knees buckle and he looks to be fading.

Then in a quick burst of desperate adrenaline, Engy pops up and lifts Seth in a powerbomb position, rushes toward the ropes and bombs Feder out the floor from inside the ring! Feder hits the concrete hard and skids to a stop next to the ring steps.

Engineer exits the ring and walks to the opposite corner from where Seth lay, waiting for him to work himself into a sitting position against the steps. Once Feder is in place, Engy runs forward with a huge head of steam and lowers a shoulder…

And crashes right into the steel steps! Seth Feder ducked out of the way just in time!

Seth grabs the top half of the ring steps and slams them down hard onto the already damaged arm of the Engineer. And a second time. Referee Mika Hunt barely begins a ten count before Feder rolls into the ring and gives her a slap on the ass! Hunt reddens but smiles.

What the… is Seth Feder having relations with that woman? Is that why she’s being so lenient?

Nobody’s business who people want to love, JR! Get woke.

Outside the ring, Engy gets to his feet slowly, cradling his injured limb. Hunt’s ten count is getting close to the end!


7!





8!






9!









ENGY GETS BACK IN THE RING!

Engineer rolls under the bottom rope, and Feder runs straight over laying the boots to him. Feder kicks and stomps away, targeting the purpled elbow area of the Engineer as much as he can, while Engy does his best to avoid the blows.

Engy turtles up on the mat, protecting his wounded areas, and Seth Feder grabs at him to pull him to his feet.

What the hell is that?!!?!?

Uhhhhh, that’s nasty. Like a fermented snowball.

Engineer spits a black greasy fluid into the face of Seth Feder, who flies back, clawing at his face. Engineer takes full advantage, grabbing Feder in a headlock and grinding his face across the top ring rope! He drags him all the way down one of the ropes and slams him into the turnbuckle, and Feder swings around and tags him in the jaw with a desperation right hand!

Engy doesn’t seem phased by the show, however, as he grabs Feder by the wrist and twists his arm back and around, then sends his free hand into Feder’s upper ribs in a devastating heart punch that sends Feder to his knees. Engy then scoops Feder up and hooks him upside down in the corner, locked in the tree of woe!

Engy walks to the far corner and comes charging back… DROPKICK TO THE CHEST!!!

Feder hugs himself, looking to be coughing up some blood after that big impact to his injured torso. Engineer moves to the corner and comes charging in again, but Seth Feder somehow has the wherewithal and gumption to perform a sit-up, avoiding the impact! Engy crotches himself around the corner while Feder frees himself from his unenviable position, still clutching at his ribs. He then takes the heel of his boot and rubs it roughly across the eyes of the Engineer, who kicks his feet and grabs at his eyes, blinded.

Feder sits on the top turnbuckle as he waits for Engy to regain his senses, and as soon as Engy stands, looking around for Seth in his blinded state. Engy turns away from the corner, and Feder locks in a sleeper hold!

That’s the Silent Night! Seth Feder has his finishing hold locked in tight on the Engineer!

Engy struggles in the hold, and Feder arches back, trying to lift Engy off of his feet for extra pressure. Engy fights it, and Feder’s ribs can’t handle the extra baggage so he can’t pull him up. Instead, Feder hops onto Engy’s back!

Now he’s got him in a backpack version! The weight of his body helping to squeeze the blood flow of the Engineer! Engy doesn’t have a lot of time here!

An obviously groggy Engineer tries to reach back and over his own head to grab at Seth, but Feder tightens his grip, even adding a body scissor with his legs. Engy’s knees start to wobble, and he rams himself backward into the corner trying to shake Seth Feder loose!

But Feder doesn’t let go! He grits his teeth and sinks the hold in even tighter! Engy goes down to one knee and his arms look to be hanging heavy from his body… he’s fading fast!














Feder falls flat on his face!


What the hell?

Look, JR! Guppy Parsh is in the front row! He just chucked a batarang right into the back of Feder’s dome! Ahhhhhh sweet comeuppance!

Indeed, a metal bat shaped boomerang is next to Seth Feder’s head as blood oozes from his newly split wig. Feder twitches on the mat as Engy takes huge gulping breaths, getting his oxygen back… and then he makes his way to the top rope!

Seth Feder still hasn’t moved! Why not just pin the man?

Mika Hunt seems to finally notice the batarang on the canvas, but looks confused as to how it got there or what it is. She tosses it aside just as Engy flies off the top rope!


DOUBLE FOOT STOMP ON THE FACE-DOWN SETH FEDER!!!!



Good lord, he might have killed him!




The Engineer rolls Feder over and lays on top of him, laughing and snot bubbling.







1!































2!













































3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Winner, still X-Treme Champion, and NEW King of the Ring – THE ENGINEER!

Madison Dyson gets in the ring and celebrates with her ward, and Mika Hunt attempts to check on the well-being of Seth Feder, who looks comatose.


Then…

I WANNA ROCK!!!!!

The crowd comes to life as Vincent Lane, flanked by his fiancée Roxy Cotton, emerges from the back. Both blondes wearing jeweled crowns. Lane carries a third crown on a velvet pillow and walks down the aisle to the ring, entering through the ropes and meeting the heavy-breathing Engineer in the center.

“Engy…”

Vincent looks down at the unmoving body of Seth Feder, shaking his head.

“Engy, this isn’t what was supposed to happen here tonight. Seth Feder was my hand picked winner for this year’s tournament. I spent good money to bring him in off of the streets or out in the desert or wherever the hell this dude sleeps at night. And you… well, you almost killed him, it looks like. You won the match. You won the tournament fair and square, going through opponents I personally know are some of the best we’ve ever seen, like Trax. You won the X-Treme Championship here tonight as well. You’ve WON the King of the Ring.”

The crowd erupts into cheers, celebrating the climax of the months-long tournament. Madison Dyson smiles and nods her head with pride as Engy grunts and spits onto the canvas.

“But dude… look at you. You’re fucking disgusting. You’re a disgrace to professional wrestling, and to the human race as a whole.”

The crowd turns to boos, listening to Vincent dress down the tournament winner.

“I mean… we are a massive company! We have stock holders to worry about! And I’m the future King of England! Paparazzi track my every move, and I’m not one to take a Princess Di and crack my head against a bridge or whatever. You sir, are unfit to represent the XWF! So congratulations, dude… you won. But this right here?”

Vincent holds up the crown from the velvet pillow, a smaller one than the one resting on his own head.

“This is coming back to the back with me, dude. The XWF has only ONE TRUE KING, and that’s ME. You’re nothing more than a commoner. A street busker trying to get onto a Broadway stage. You’ve got peasant blood flowing through your veins, whereas I have dynastic genes that have been written about in history texts for hundreds of years! YOU AREN’T WORTHY. So NO… I do NOT recognize you as the King of the XWF, and instead choose to renew my own title for another year! THANK YOU LADIES AND GENTLEEMEN! LONG! LIVE! THE KING!!!”

Vincent’s music hits again as he leaves the ring, and a confused and angry Engineer fumes next to Dyson, who does her best to keep him calm and prevent him from attacking his employer.

What a piece of shit Vincent Lane is.

Duh. Told you Theo was the good one.