"SModcast Caedus"




-Tuesday, May 2, 2017, 10:58 PM EST-

-Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash @ 35 Broad Street in Red Bank, New Jersey-


"Jim, you ready to do this? We go on in 2 minutes."

I exhale nervously, raising my brows in response, fidgeting with my precious XWF Universal Championship belt on the table before me. I clear my throat.

"Good to go, bro."

I'm in the SModcast studio with none other than "Silent Bob" Kevin Smith himself (Scott Mosier seems to be absent but who gives a fuck) mere moments away from a promotional appearance I'm all too unsure about taking part in.

This had all occured quite intentionally. As both a fan of Smith's films and the "nerd culture" I'd thought it a good idea to see if Smith would be at all interested in selling Ax3 Ts in his man cave comic shop, The Secret Stash. Once I'd gotten him on the horn, he _hadn't_ jumped on the opportunity in light of the highly publicized current controversy surrounding Ax3 member Micheal Graves. However, he HAD asked if I'd be interested in an exclusive SModcast guest appearance and without thinking I'd agreed. Now...I find myself less than confident in the decision.



I sit in silence as the MC Chris intro plays through, Smith making his introductions, wondering exactly what the fuck it is we'll be talking about. Was Smith even a fan of wrestling? Is this some sorta ambush simply intended to reel me in and lump me into the bad press? Guilt by association? As I understood it, normally the SModcast is relegated to Sunday nights/Monday mornings...this better not be a fuckin' ambush.

"...with me is Jim CAEDUS of the XWF, new Universal Champion. Jim thank you for agreeing to do the show."

"Thanks bro. Question: is cursing allowed?"

"Oh by all means, feel free to say whatever you need to. We'll take care of any problems in post."

"Right on. You know, XWF is a mature content promotion, you should upload an unedited version of the SModcast onto our official site XWF99.com. Sure to nab you a few more fans."

"Absolutely, sounds like a plan."

"So...I'm uh...I'm tryin' to figure out why I'm here, Kevin. I never pegged you as a wrestling fan, am I your first on the show?"

"No, no actually I had Foley on Plus One with the wife. Essentially I'm _not_ what you might label a 'wrestling mark', you're right, but I do occasionally tune in, off and on over the years, and every so often one of your ilk comes along that strikes me as a man with a fascinating story to tell. We heard all about the hard life you've led to get to where you are now, it's pretty inspiring. You're also known as one of the meanest mouths in the business. I like good talkers, Jim, you're a good talker. Plus I hear you've dropped numerous references to properties and franchises defined as geekdom territory, including, shameless plug, Dogma. Mosier has a list he was supposed to show you but unfortunately he wasn't able to make it tonight."

"What can I say, I am who I am and I like what I like. Never been ashamed to admit anything."

"On that subject...you've gotta tell me about going from a man with no money and no home to one of the biggest names currently in professional wrestling."

"Is it ok if we get into that a bit later? Half the people tuning in for this episode are probably wrestling fans and already know the ins and outs of my life I've revealed thus far. I'm actually in need of cutting a promo on my opponent for Wednesday Night Warfare tomorrow night. Everyone listening make sure to tune in, by the way, the XWF is number one in the business for a reason. Don't deny yourself any of the action."

"I think that's an excellent idea for the show! You'll of course be doing this in character?"

"I'm my own character, Kevin."

"You're always in character? You get method with it, huh? All right, that's cool with me."

"No I mean I don't play a character. I'm just me."

"Oh, I see. Well please, Jim, the air is yours. Who is it you'll be facing tomorrow night anyway?"

"Peter Gilmour."

"Oh right, right, the 'Suck My Dick' guy! He's been around the XWF for awhile hasn't he?"

"One of the longest ongoing tenures on the roster, yeah. We'll be battling it out in a steel cage."

"Is this a steel cage match for your title? Impressive by the way, is that real gold?"

"Yeah, it's real gold but no, it's not for the strap, just bragging rights."

"How did the match come about? Is there 'bad blood' between you two?"

"No, Gilly's a good guy, there's no personal problems between us. Like many others he has a bone to pick over my choice in stablemates, namely Micheal Graves and we won't be getting into that but as far as he and I are concerned this is purely professional. You ever view one of Peter's rants on YouTube, by the way? You should check it out."

"He has a YouTube channel?"

"He does, I highly recommend you and all listening to subscribe and enjoy. However, I'm not tryin' to blow that buttfuckin' , he IS my opponent after all, so if it's all well and good, I'd like to say a few words to him."

"Ladies and gentlemen...the first ever wrestling promo executed on the SModcast. History in the making. Go for it, Jim."

"Gillyyyyyyyy...do I smell pussy or an impending deadline bombing, bitch?"

"Deadline bombing?"

"That, Kevin, is when an opponent waits until the last minute to promo, saving up ammo to hit you with and not allowing you to respond. It's a tricky manuever I've used myself many times so I can't knock anyone for doin' it but when it's an opponent so outspoken of assured victory over me I'll always call 'em out on it. In Gilly's case, it's not all that shocking. See, normally the poor bastard is pure gung ho hatred on whoever he's facing. Where I'm concerned on the other hand, with the exception of his standard boilerplate cliché claims and comments, passive Pete didn't really come at me like the others."

"And why is that?"

"Fear, Kevin. Period."

"Wait...but, and please don't get angry when I ask this...isn't wrestling storylined?"

"XWF is the only promotion that treats their product with respect. No, we ain't storylined, Kev, we're expected and encouraged to legitimately beat fuckin' fractures into each other. What you see on TV every week isn't choreographed, it isn't planned out...it's real. This is why Peter Gilmour is afraid of me. He knows what I do and what I'm capable of in the ring. He doesn't wanna experience me losing it during the match and desire to take advantage of the no DQ rules in the most terminal sense possible. I've already threatened to show him into the cage by mashin' him through it like a hunk of flesh in a motherfuckin' meat grinder, his imagination I'm sure is runnin' wild at this point, theorizing possible scenarios, perhaps one where I get my hands on somethin' sharp enough to open 'im up from stem to sternum and suck his intestine out like I'm slurpin' spaghetti."

"That's...graphic to say the least. Of course you don't mean to literally MURDER the man, you'd get thrown in prison."

"Oh, if the necessity arises, I very much _do_ mean it. In every wrestler's XWF contract there's a stipulating 'no fault injury' clause that basically protects a sick sunuvabitch like myself from retribution over causing harm to an opponent. People have died in the XWF ring before, it doesn't happen often but it does happen. Hence...Gilly's lackluster growling at me with tail firmly tucked 'tween 'is legs. I'm the "Star Killer", Kevin, and Gilmour is one of the most 'esteemed' stars on the roster. He doesn't wanna end up as an image on the XTron while Nipsey Russell gives the bell ten strikes before a moment of silence and a slew of sad stories from the talent. He wants to get this over with as quickly and painlessly as possible and I don't blame 'im. He's got a bright future as enhancement talent for the rising stars on the roster."

"Ouch. Enhancement talent doesn't sound like a particularly desirable position."

"Oh, it can be quite a Godsend I'm sure for people like Peter. Give 50%, fart out a few futile phrases, get your swiftly swelling fat ass handed to you in the ring and collect your check. Pin Me, Pay Me as they say. That's Gilly's bread 'n butter. I'll make 'im earn that dough come the conclusion of the match when I pop his skull off his spinal column with Katabasis and make my way outta the cage."

"Now...I've seen this guy fight a few times, he isn't all that bad. It won't be as cut and dry as you describe, right?"

"Gilly can bring it when he wants to, sure. You don't earn all the titles and honors he has without slammin' souls methodically to the mat. He's also larger than I am in every way so yeah, I expect him to give me some depth of diffculty in defeatin' his deadbeat bitchass. Thing is...I have a tendency to overcome and outlast even the toughest of targets in competition and as good as Gilly HAS been in the past, he's no longer capable of conquering killers, least of all a killer named Caedus."

"Is there anything you'd like to say to him directly? You started to earlier but I admittedly led you astray down the interview route. Sorry about that."

"Yeah, I'll close it."

"Cool, get real Caedusy with it, go out with a bang, man."

"No pressure there, bro, I appreciate it." Kevin laughs. "Gilly my final rundown is as follows... You used to be runnin' at full throttle; turnin' heads, stackin' cred, impressin' the likes of Boss Lane 'imself and buildin' up that, again, sincerely stupendous list of accolades. For whatever reason, you suddenly couldn't hack it anymore and you've failed since then to reclaim that energy and ambition that led you to become, despite the disrespect and ridicule you now consistently receive from nearly every man, woman and child on the roster, the staple, the living legend, THE Peter Fuckin' Gilmour of the XWF. Though you may or may not realize you're now nothin' more than the most decorated curtain-jerkin' joke of a jag-off in the promotion you still possess enough ego and crave enough attention to opt in for bookings in which you inevitably start out or end up losing interest and adding another loss to what must be by now as staggering a statistic as your multiple title reigns. It fuckin' sickens me that you'd squander what you have while you desperately halfass your way around in pursuit of remaining relevant. I'd kill, and will, for a tally sheet like yours and when I've attained it...I won't be slowing down. Fuck settling and fuck a settlin' sack o' spineless shit. I'm Jim Caedus. 'Big Dick Daddy'. The 'Star Killer'. I spent too many years starving after success to stop now. I'm not like you, Pete, I want more...and I always will. They'll have to pry the contract from my cold dead hands before I ever hang it up. You, you're dead already and tomorrow night I'll be deliverin' you to your fucked up fate post haste. The week after that, I'll be pissin' on your grave."

"Aaaand _scene_."

I stifle a roll of the eyes before Kevin plows ahead steering me towards filling HIS fans in on my background. As much as I adore talking about myself, I'm not in the mood to rehash my past. I'm looking forward to the future, to the earning of legendary status in the XWF...and every single smartass soldier and superstar I have to power through to achieve it. Next in line...Peter Gilmour...you're number is up. If you're planning to deadline bomb me you better make your words count...or they'll be your last.
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