[We see Christopher in an average looking kitchen that's made out of porcelain and wood. It also looks like a fucking mess, what with various food stuffs littered on the countertops, pots and pans on the oven, and various cooking supplies in a pile by the garbage pail. Chris is seen in a comically large chef's hat and his normal outfit of a black tee shirt and whatever jeans he can grab. He dons a stupid looking smile and stares at the camera with his eyes half closed, giving the viewer the belief that Chris is recording this while high.]

Christopher: Hey dudes, welcome to Dustin's kitchen. Why am I at his house doing this shit and not my own house? My oven broke down and I had to hire a mechanic to fix it. Besides, I don't have all that I need to make today's dish at home. Dustin, on the other hand, does. Wave to the camera, brah.

[Dustin turns the camera towards himself and waves at the camera with his free hand. He smiles while doing so. After a quick second of this, he turns the camera back towards his friend, who is showing teeth as he smiles at the lens.]

Christopher: Now I'm no chef and I'm sure none of you hopped on over to a website to watch a wrestler who can't cook make something, but I'm doing this just to appease Robbie and show him that his idea of cooking before a match is fucking stupid. So, today I'm going to cook up one of the meals Robbie suggested, a cheeseburger, while responding to whatever sort of trash he has laying in wait. So right now, I have to pull out the meat and let it thaw.

[Chris grabs the meat off of the countertop and showcases it to the camera.]

Christopher: However, letting the meat thaw would take longer than I'd like for this promo, so what I'm going to do is put it back and use a substitute meat.

[He then proceeds to walk away from the camera and heads towards the fridge on the left. The sound of a fridge door opening is heard as he places the meat back in the fridge and closes it for another day. The sound of a fridge door closing is then heard as Chris walks back into frame with a smile that shows just as much teeth as his last one.]

Christopher: And instead of actual hamburger meat, my friend and I cleaned the backyard up and found a delightful ingredient just laying there, waiting to be used. Come to think about it, the ingredient is starting to leave a...wonderful...scent for everyone in this house. You can smell it too, right dude?

Dustin: Yeah. I can smell it too.

[Dustin starts to cough and nearly starts to dry heave. Chris is almost starting to puke as well, so he reaches over the oven, making Dustin hand over the substitute ingredient. It looks brown and rather soft, almost as if you could crush it with mental thought alone.]

Christopher: So yeah, this is dog shit. It's rather warm and it's going to be our hamburger patty.

[As Chris starts to smash the shit onto a hamburger bun, Dustin proceeds to pull out his phone and loads up Robbie's promo. He skips the first half of the video before lowering it and looking over at his friend, who's leaning over the kitchen sink, almost losing his appetite from the stench the ingredient is leaving in the room. Dustin seems to be used to it now. This is probably because he isn't holding it nearby anymore.]

Dustin: Brah, by the by, he started his promo with his brother and mother just talking to each other about his wrestling career.

Christopher: That's kinda what we did a few years ago, but I don't really watch all of my older footage either. Besides, I don't stoop as low as making fun of someone's mother, brother, or whoever decides to show their face in front of the camera.

Dustin: Why's that, dude?

Christopher: Because I'm not fighting them. I know better than to insult how they look or what they come off as while the camera is rolling. Now my opponent? Yeah, I can say whatever the fuck I want about my opponent. If they can't handle what I say, then they should just get out and let the announcer call my name.

[Christopher moves himself away from the sink and towards the oven. His smile has returned with absolutely no signs of a lost lunch.]

Christopher: Right, well now that the dog shit is smeared all over the burger, it's time to pull out the cheese. Luckily, Dustin has some five month old cheese in the bottom shelf of the fridge that was just waiting to be used. Hand that over real quick.

[Dustin hands over a small, used block of cheese. Chris takes it and proceeds to cut a thick slice off of the block. While this is happening, Dustin plays the video on his phone.]

Some Idiot Who Doesnt Know How Cameras Work Said:What, Chris, no 'thank you'? I mean, not only did I actually film most of your last promo while shooting mine,

Christopher: No, that poor word choice still doesn't make you sound all that bright. Keep trying though, you'll eventually make sense.

Some Asshat Said:but it really seems like I'm the only reason you're even sniffing a shot at facing that monster at Relentless because I was able to do something you couldn't.

Christopher: Game Girl is a monster? When did this shit start?

Dustin: Around the same time the Phantom promised to go vegetarian and when Doctor D'Ville lost his Universal championship.

Christopher: So never?

Dustin: Pretty much, dude.

Christopher: I thought so. As for why I lost towards Ellis? Well I got cocky, brah. There isn't anyway around that. When I heard Ellis was attacked before the match, I decided that maybe I should go easy on him and let him take his time and heal up before I went in for the kill. Big mistake on my part. Now I come out of that match knowing not to go easy on anyone, even if they're left prone and defenseless.

Someone Who Thinks Ellis is Peter Said:Man, really good work, Chris, you have our pal Dim's number one psycho buddy and you let him off the hook.

Christopher: No I still pick on Peter whenever I get a chance to. And if the fat fuck has a problem with it, he can ask management for another match and I'll settle things then and there. Oh you mean Ellis? I gave him kudos for winning and let him on his way. Why is that a problem?

Dustin: He's a cheater, brah! He doesn't know what sportsmanship is!

Christopher: Fair enough.

[Christopher then places the moldy strip of cheese on top of the dog shit, letting it sit there for who knows how long while Chris grabs the next ingredient, a head of lettuce.]

Christopher: Next, we have to add the vegetables on our burger. Now since I don't want to waste anything fresh on this burger, as you already know, I decided to go outside and pick up the first leaf I saw.

[Chris hands the lettuce head over to his friend and holds up a large, brown, unattractive leaf.]

Christopher: This one, in fact. Now I just gotta place it on the burger like so...

[Chris drapes the leaf over the cheese and shit carelessly. Some of it cracks and falls either away from the burger or just barely on it. ]

Christopher: And our burger is almost complete. But before I add the other ingredients, let's respond to some more trash.

Some Jackass That Thinks Cooking is Quality TV Said:Now, I'm sorry if you're disappointed in me for what I selected for this Wednesday. I mean, you could have had a say in what match happened, but you fucked that up, not me.

Christopher: I probably would've picked a stipulation that only benefitted me and no one else, like a 'Who's Skinnier' match. So no, I'm not mad that you got to choose the stip, brah. I'm disappointed that you have to make the viewers sit through a fucking Martha Stewart cooking special because you wanted your mother to watch one of your matches for a change. You know what else I'm disappointed in you about? Thinking that people would actually like a cooking show as the main fucking event of the night. Screw the weapons you get for making a good dish, the fact that people have to watch people eat food instead of fighting is bullshit! That's Vince Russo match making, man!

In short, you're nothing more than a Saturday Morning Cartoon villain that doesn't know how revenge truly works.

Dick Dastardly Said:If you think for a second that I'll cheat, well, congratulations Chris. That there's some evolutionary thinking, right there.

Christopher: Look, you know I don't want Thing hands, so I believe that you're going to reverse sabotage my meal by replacing it with something good. Besides, I've seen your other matches before we squared off, and I know you're as dishonest as a fucking snake. Good job, Robbie. Your whole point about not cheating is null to me.

[Chris then holds up and returns a tomato to Dustin. Chris then reaches over with his other hand and is given two red pasties. With a look of confusion, he looks over to his friend with a look of confusion.]

Dustin: Those are courtesy of Monica after she found out I was smoking koosh. I swear, that chick doesn't know how to party.

[Still somewhat confused, Chris drops the pasties onto the makeshift burger and motions him to keep playing the promo. After a few seconds of awkward silence, he obliges.]

Americas Worst Heel Said:I mean, frankly, besides me how many bulletproof-Americans do you know?

Christopher: You mean besides Clark Kent, Batfink, Phoenix Jones, and who knows how many other people I'm missing in that list of superheroes? Not very impressive, brah. And even though Superman was bulletproof, he still got his ass kicked by Muhammad Ali, and that fucker had only boxing gloves to defend himself from Supe's strength. Try again, and this time try not to think of whatever I get to use on you as guns.

Someone Who Doesnt Hear Himself Talk Said:I don't have a losing record.

Christopher: I have five wins and two losses. You have three wins and two losses. Sure that's not a losing record, but mine sounds much more impressive than yours, brah. Admit it.

Captain Exploitation Said:You tried to entreat a sensitive side in me by showcasing your mother. I get now that you're just exploiting the woman, getting your revenge on her for the life you've had by showing the world what you had to put up with.

Christopher: Brah, I didn't know vlogging my life meant that I was exploiting my mother for money that I spend on food. Shit, then that means I have to delete all the clips I recorded three or so years ago. That also means that you should isolate yourself from your family, friends, students, and anyone else from the outside world because by your logic, you're exploiting them for your own gain. See how bullshit your own logic is, brah? Besides, I want my mother to get better so she can appreciate the life my dad wanted her to live; away from the bottle and exploring the world.

Throw accusations like that and I'll make sure the only way you get to talk is through Speakonia.

Dustin: You gonna finish making that burger, brah?

Christopher: I'll finish it tomorrow. Besides, I don't want to cook when someone ruins my buzz.

[With that, the scene cuts to black.]