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[REC]

Christopher: Hey, Dustin, you want to shit talk Gilly one last time before the show starts?

Dustin: I don't see why not, brah. Where should we start, though?

Christopher: Let's go over some of the points I failed to mention from his first promo that I didn't address in my earlier one. There was quite a lot I could make fun of, but didn't because listening to this guy is like listening to some toddler bitch about losing in Candyland. It starts out funny, but then it just gets grating, ya know?

Dustin: Alright, Chris, let's see what else he had to say.

Some Loser in Denial Said:SUCK MY DICK BITCH!

Dustin: Hey Chris, remind me again what happened to Peter's ego.

Christopher: Sure thing, Dustin! Luckily I printed out a picture just in case he said to suck his now useless penis.

[Chris pulls out a small sheet of printing paper from his left jean pocket with a large smile plastered on his face. He proceeds to unfold it and walk over to the camcorder, seemingly giggling as he shows him just what came out of Dustin's printer.]


[After holding that image there for what seems like forever, Chris bobs it left and right at different angles.]

Christopher: It's a very little penis and I'm very happy to say-

Dustin: -It's a little penis come to visit you today!

[Chris and Dustin laugh at Peter's expense as the wrestler folds the image back up and into his pocket.]

Christopher: Admit it, Peter, you had that coming for you ever since it was cut off in that Evil as Fuck match you and Morbid set up. Expect more of this when you and I square off again. How do I know? Well you'll bitch to the higher ups for a rematch. After you lose that one, you'll do it again. And again. And again. Ad infinitum.

Some Boring Tard Said:Home of the best vodka in the world. Not that I drink any of it mind you.

Dustin: How much do you want to bet he read that on the internet, brah?

Christopher: If I gambled every time Peter Gilmour was involved in a bet, I'd be wearing velvet for the rest of my life. Seriously brah, hearing what things taste like from others isn't a reliable source to find out if you like it or not. Jesus, it's like having you stand in front of Dim and asking him if you look fat. Trust me, brah, that shit ain't reliable.

Some Dunce That Doesnt Know How Insults Work Said: You talk about me beating Calypso, going after the Tag and Universal Titles and am not all there. Thanks for letting everybody know my itinerary you stupid fuck.

Christopher: So you admit that you're the first in history to go after the tag titles and the Universal title at the same time? I bet you have no idea what you just owned up to, but whatever, I'll milk it 'til the last drop falls into the bucket. I never really knew that the XWF allowed people with no basic grasp of the English language to fight for their top title. Stammering like that makes me wonder how all the reporters will manage before they put the straitjacket back on you and take you to your padded room.

Liar Liar Pants For Hire Said:I am 235 pounds of muscle and every woman knows when I flex them, they cum in their pants.

Christopher: Hey, Dustin, think you can change that to something more truthful?

Dustin: I can try, but I don't know if what he's saying is worth translating.

[Dustin gets his best Peter Gilmour impression ready by clearing his throat and attempting to lower his voice a few octaves.]

Dustin: Duuur, I weigh 532 pounds of blubber and when a woman sees me piss myself, they laugh so hard they shit their pants.

Christopher: I swear, I can imagine you with a small propeller hat and a shirt five sizes too small when you do that voice.

[Dustin laughs his ass off after hearing his friend's quip.]

Someone With Very Low Standards Said: It's just a shame you will never have that opportunity, let alone fuck a real woman!

Christopher: Nah, brah, I'm better off not having a woman than having to bone that skeleton you call a wife. Seriously, is she even alive or are you propping her up like a puppet? Save some food for her instead of starving her every time she's at band practice, dude. Maybe then you'll have something to hold onto without fear of breaking her in a million pieces.

Patrick Said:And my ear has healed up nicely thank you.

Christopher: Are you part starfish, brah? That's the only thing I can come up with for your ear growing back and saying that it's fine. Or is that another one of your lies and it rotted away for the seagulls to eat? I'm willing to say it's the latter. Same with the whole dying thing, too. Archives exist for a reason, ya know? I can go back and look up the match where you were force fed shit by a man in a Batman costume in Moscow. As humorous as that is, the castration is enough gross out humor for me today.

Dustin: By the way, Chris, Pete just uploaded his final promo.

Christopher: Well don't just stand there like an idiot, brah, load it up!

[Dustin taps on the video on his phone with his thumb. He proceeds to skip the bits where Peter insults Russia for no good reason.]

Dustin: Someone isn't going to win over the crowd on Wednesday.

Christopher: I don't think anyone has been excited to see him ever. Why should Russia be any different?

Dustin: Maybe they'll throw trash at his face when he walks down the ramp, I dunno.

Some Xenophobe Said:Chris, you think you got this match in the bag huh?

Christopher: Actually, I know I have this match won, but you're getting close to actually admitting it.

Someone Who Should Have Been Put Down Said:While you've tried to fluster me with your hateful words, they've just gone over my head-

Christopher: Looking back at some of the other shit you made, that's not the only thing that flew over your head. BURN, BITCH!

Someone With an Awful Taste in Music Said:And you said you was about to listen to some shitty music like Eddie Murphy?

Christopher: If it got your attention when I let it play in the video, yes. It doesn't matter if Rick James, Michael Jackson, Justin Timberlake, or even Skrillex helped him out with his music, Eddie Murphy is not a musician and he never will be. Party All Night was one of the dullest and most soulless songs I've ever heard.

Dustin: Something tells me he wasn't listening to the same song, brah.

Christopher: Yeah, that has to be it. There's no way he thought Eddie Murphy made good, serious music.

Someone Whos Hurting Me Just by Speaking Said:See, if they listened to oh say SLAYER, they're IQ would rise and they wouldn't have depression and other things.

Christopher: Here's the kicker, Pete; music doesn't affect a child's brain development at all.

[Dustin gasps, as if stunned to find out what he's hearing s true.]

Christopher: It's true! You can let your children listen to Strauss or Opeth and their brains will stay the same. It's one of those old wife's tales that Peter managed to believe in. Well now he managed to learn something else besides what a Tapir is. Two in one week, impressive!

Dustin: Hang on, I'll have to skip this next bit. He's repeating himself like a dumbass.

Uuuuuuuuugh Said:Chris, it's funny how your friend Dustin has to do most of the talking in your promos.

Christopher: Yes, people at home, even though you see my mouth moving and you're hearing my voice come out, Dustin is doing most of the talking. That was as bad as Darth Punisher making fun of my name, brah, and that shit was pretty bad. You know what, it's getting so bad, that I don't want to hear anymore of this bullshit. Just cut the promo right here and let my actions in that ring on Monday speak for themselves. If your wrestling abilities are like your promos, my job is going to be inanely easy.

[The scene cuts to black.]