There's some scratching and shuffling as I turn on the tape recorder, this is how I have to do this shit. Like a fucking caveman. Hey fans, hope you like black screen because that's what you're gonna get for a few fucking minutes. Jesus.

Note to self, 'borrow' a camera.

I clear my throat and scratch the itch on my neck, catch the scent of stale blood in my finger nails. Need to remember to clean up before the other guy wakes up. Well, let us begin.

"Let's start with Robbie Bourbon. Mainly because who actually cares about the other two. At least this gelatinous cube of a man has actually took the time out of his busy schedule to do and say some shit."

"Rotund Robbie here wastes no time, starting up his very first promo with that hot topic in California. It seems Robbie has a lot to say about such a boring subject, good for him. I like a man who gives his view on current affairs dressed like a luchador. Maybe next time I speak up, I'll tell you all about what I thought about the cold war. Wouldn't that be great to see and hear? Listen to some bandaged up 'lunatic' talk about shit that doesn't matter? By the way, I don't like that word. Lunatic. It implies I have no motive other than to inflict pain and suffering, and I have plenty reasons. As the three men I will meet tomorrow will find out now."

I shuffle some more and click another tape deck. Lucky me, two tapes, zero cameras. Living the American dream.


"Hello MTV and welcome to my crib. Not only are we supposed to believe that this fucker has followers that dress up like him, we also has to believe his prick owns his own dojo. A fucking dojo. Shit, I feel sorry for the kids that go into Uncle Bourbon's rape cave and learn about really rassling. Shoving his pecker into children's assholes while he shows off his submission prowess, telling the children it's okay to scream, rassling is a tough business. You can't survive this you won't survive in the ring."

"I knew there was a good reason I'm facing you. Pedophiles make me sick. They are the worst of the worst and to show to the world you promote your own dojo, where you fuck these terrified small children is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. And you have a bar in your dojo! Get the kids hooked young right Robbie!? Nothing would fuck you sober so it makes sense the kids have to be wasted to before you feel right slipping in three inches of fear. Ugh, you make me sick you know that?"

"And not only is Mr. Bourbon a pedophile, he is also a slave owner! He has faceless men and women working tirelessly to serve him, and we don't know if they are paid or not. Hew wouldn't even give Larry the day off. Larry! I'm sure he works hard for Master Bourbon and this poor guy couldn't get a day off scheduled. Fuck you Robbie! And here's the kicker, Robbie is such a cunt, he doesn't even know who Larry is, he has no idea what he looks like! This evil mother fucker has everyone assigned by number! they all wear masks because they don't have identities anymore, they don't have lives, they just work tirelessly for Master Bourbon in his rape dungeon of drunken children!"

"Apart from learning what a horrible human being Robbie is, there isn't anything else. He just rambles and says he's going to China. Which reminds me, it's going to be tough to explain to killer how and why we're in China. Maybe he'll have a nice long sleep this time... Anyway, Robbie doesn't say anything else worth bringing up. Except this."


"Bracket, slash, color, close bracket. The fuck was that Robbie? some secret code huh? Are you a fucking robot!? I knew I couldn't trust you! You're just a cold, child molesting, slave owning piece of machinery! but I'll make you bleed, Robbie, believe me. I can squeeze blood from a stone, I bet I can make a robot scream in horror."

"Next promo. Titled, You're My Boy Blue. I get that reference, clever."


"I get that reference too. And I find it rich coming from Nacho Libre. Overweight, pedophile, slave owning robot trying to say I'm from a fucking graphic novel. Cunt."


"Thank you. I'll take back that cunt I said, and the robot part. For now... You know what I love, listening to someone talk about me but not being able to follow the conversation properly because this fuck won't put loudspeaker on and instead uses a earpiece like a douchebag. It's irritating really, just listening to a guy talk on the phone, waiting for him to finish so I can give some input. Riveting television."


"Goodbye Mrs. Bourbon, I'll be seeing you soon. And from Robbie, still nothing. Just boring shit. Next promo, boring shit. Fucking wonderful! Hahahahahahaha!! You would expect such a colorful man to be a little more fun. Instead we get a boring old businessman, running into whacky situations. It's like a bad sitcom that never gets a season two. And thank christ it won't get another season. Here I am, I'm bleeding for you people. I created music for you. I can open your eyes! And I get stuck with Robbie Bourbon. A man."

"Nothing else. Just a man. A boring stick in the mud."

"One of those type of people who wears funny t-shirts to make up for his lack of personality, you know what I mean? It's disgraceful."

"Then there's the other two. Hero made up an excuse to why he lost to another man no one cares about and the Hooded Man is some cunt no one cares about. Got a real show here. I'm happy all I need to do is keep this up for a little while until I meet the man I need to speak with."

"Goodnight and god speed."